


Displaced

by AmdelMari



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Character Death, Dealing With Loss, Despair, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Family tension, Infidelity Aftermath, Inquisition Canon Divergence, Loss, Moving On, No M.E. Andromeda, Recovery, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Some drug references, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, post reapers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-31
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2019-07-04 20:36:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 79,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15848898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmdelMari/pseuds/AmdelMari
Summary: The Inquisition Failed.The Milky Way Succeeded.One world ended while another world was saved.One man's destiny is about to be tested to the extreme.  How much does he need to endure further in order to fulfill his purpose of existence?  What more must he give up?  What more will he gain from the only person that can truly understand his pain?  And can they band together to stand against the threat that comes for them all?(Warning, this is not a light and fluffy fic.  There WILL be some fluff...eventually.  But it's a long dark road until then.  I'm too lazy to update tags.  So, feel free to read at your own risk.)





	1. For There is Darkness, and Death, and No Maker's Light

_And so is the Golden City blackened_  
With each step you take in my hall  
Marvel at perfection, for it is fleeting  
You have brought Sin to Heaven  
And doom upon all the world

* * *

Corypheus won.

 

The Inquisitor failed and died facing him.

 

Now the rest of the Inquisition, those not slaughtered in droves by the corrupted followers of the false-god, fled to the only place left that could be considered a modicum of safety.  The Deep Roads. 

 

Days turned into weeks.  Numbers dwindled down to the hundreds.  Weeks turned to months. The numbers dropped further to the single digits until they were less than twenty, fifteen, ten...until all that were left were Cullen, Leliana, and Cassandra.  Hawke fell just three days before. The Wardens fought to slay the living instead of the tainted. Including the King and his Queen. The world was done. 

 

Cullen was so tired.  So fucking tired. He could hardly hold his blade up any longer.  He and his silent companions stood in an alcove. At this point, they were biding their time.  Leliana stiffened as the familiar skittering sound of Darkspawn approached. She looked to them, nodded once, and saluted them with a fist to her heart. 

 

“It was an honor, Cassandra, Cullen.” The spymaster slid out and ran toward the Darkspawn.  She was giving them the opening to run. Her battle cry was drowned out as the two warriors used the moment to run.  They ran for what felt like miles before they skid to halt. The ceiling had long since caved in. Cullen and Cassandra turned to look at one another.  This was it. Turning with blades held high, they took to either side of the cavern. They came. Climbing on walls, ceilings, running, screaming, roaring...they came.  The last stand came at last. Cullen was pushed back into the wall. He snarled and stabbed out with a slash. His sword was finally wrenched free from his hand. He cried out as his balance gave out.  He toppled backward through a tiny opening in the stone. He waited for the ground to hit him. 

 

The air was ripped forcibly from his lungs.  He was thrown violently down a fluctuating, pulsing chasm that pained his eyes from the swirling colors.  He slammed his eyes shut. 

 

_ This is it… _

 

_ This is how I end.  Maker forgive us. Forgive us all. _

* * *

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, yes. I know. Another fiction. The others are all done besides this one. Just working on posting them as well. 
> 
> This crossover is a brain child that my muse wouldn't let me ignore. And I really didn't want to. There's just something so...mmm...yummy about Cullen in space. With a gun. And N7 armor. Yup. My brain just can't handle it. So thus it must be written. 
> 
> This is, again, purely for my own amusement. I just enjoy sharing too. This, unlike others, will be a rather slow burn, so hang in there. Love you all! Oh! And my playlist...
> 
> Hurricane by Thirty Seconds to Mars  
> Feel Invincible by Skillet  
> Hand that Feeds by Nine Inch Nails  
> BURN IT DOWN by Linkin Park  
> Believer by Imagine Dragons  
> The Island Part 1 (Dawn) by Pendulum  
> I Can Walk on Water by Basshunter  
> Monster by Skillet  
> Don't Stop by Innerpartysystem

**Strangers at First Sight**

* * *

Jane Shepard was assumed dead.  How could she not be? The Commander had fought until the end, activating the Crucible, and was still on it when it made the plummet to Earth below.  When her body was recovered from the wreckage, it was beyond believing that she could be alive. But there she was. In the ICU, alive. The woman was one hell of a survivor.  She was a role model to every little girl in the entire galaxy now. But she had always been one little girl’s role model. 

Shawna Shepard, the younger daughter of Hannah and Michael Shepard, sat beside her sister’s bedside.  Her battle scuffed armor still on. She held her older sister’s hand, ignoring the grime that coated her.  She hadn’t left Commander Shepard’s side since she’d arrived after her mother’s communication reached her. That was a week ago.  

“We’ve got a live one.”

“Another?”

“Yeah, but this one’s...off.”

“How so?”

“You’ll have to see yourself.”

Shaw glanced out the door as the nurses and doctors wheeled a gourney past.  The injured man wasn’t necessarily what made her stand up and walk to the door for a better look; it was the really weird clothes she thought she saw him wearing.  She had to check to see if she’d seen that correctly. As she peeked her head out of the room, they turned the stretcher. She got an eyeful of a very medieval style dressed man.  And he looked like he’d taken on an entire platoon of Reaper mutated forces single handedly. Then he was out of sight. She stared after them for a long time before she turned and stepped back into Jane’s room.  She stared at her sister bemusedly.

“You would have made a wise crack at what I just saw.” Shaw sighed, moving to fluff up the dying flowers on the bedside table.  “I’m losing it in here.”

A beep on her omnitool made her look down.  She flicked it up and opened the call. “Hey, mom.”

“How is she?”

Shaw turned so that Hannah could see her eldest.  “Same as before. Breathing.”

“They’re still looking for the Normandy and crew.” 

“I hope they find them soon.  If anyone can convince Jane to wake up, it’ll be her crew.”

Hannah sighed, rubbing her face.  “How’re you holding up, Shaw?”

“...I re-fluff dying flowers every hour.”

Hannah stared back at her youngest, hands paused mid-rub.  “You...re-fluff...flowers?”

“That or talk to myself.  Last time I did that, I got some funky looks from the staff.”

“Oh, honey.  I wish I could come relieve you.”

“I know.  You’re still weeks out.  Just be safe and  _ actually  _ get here.” Shaw flicked her gaze back to her sister.  “She’s been stable for the last four days.”

“Is there somewhere you can go there for a shower and some food?  Maybe some sleep?”

“Have you  _ seen _ the vids, mom?  Earth is…” Shaw stopped, shaking her head.  “No. I mean, I  _ might _ get a shower somewhere here in the hospital.  As for food, I’ve been living off of random protein paste packets.”

“Shit.” Hannah dropped her hands on presumably her desk.  “Hang in there. Do what you need to. If you can’t find supplies or what not, call me.  I’ll see what I can do.”

Shaw snorted at her mother.  “Yeah, because  _ nobody _ will be butt hurt over me using my mom’s name to get supplies.  I’ll be fine.”

“Okay.  I’ve got to go.  I only managed to slip away for a few minutes.”

“Go.  Seriously, I’m  _ okay _ .”

Hannah nodded finally.  “I...I know.”

“Just focus your worries at Jane.  Bye, mom.”

“Bye, sweetie.” The call disconnected and Shaw dropped her hand to her lap.  Well, that was that. She stood up and decided to try and find those showers that she was sure were around.  Now, just to pray the Reapers didn’t take out modern plumbing while they were busy fucking up their world. 

…..

“For the love of--would you stop pacing already!” Ashley snapped at the turian wearing a rut into the metallic flooring.  Which said a lot.

Garrus shot her a glare.  “Sorry, am I bothering you?  Didn’t mean to get your pants in a bunch.”

“It’s ‘ _ panties in a wad’ _ and you’re not doing any good like this!” Ashley pointed out.  “We don’t even know if the comm we got is legit or just some...I don’t know...buoy relay issue?”

“The extranet was mostly untampered.  I believe any communications we manage to get are actually believable.” Liara spoke up from where she sat, nursing a cup of Thessian tea.  

The elevator doors hissed open before Tali rounded the corner.  She sank into a seat beside Liara. “Is it true? That they found Shepard in the rubble?”

“As true as we can trust for now.” Vega said, throwing his tactical knife into the wall once more before retrieving it.  

“You know, if Shepard sees those holes in her ship...she’s going to kick your ass, Vega.” Garrus nodded to the gashes in the wall.  Vega snorted.

“That  _ before _ or  _ after _ she hugs us for surviving?”

“Before.” Tali answered.

“Definitely before.” Garrus agreed with the quarian.

“How much longer this gonna take?” Vega groaned.

“We just got the communication four days ago.  Without the relays…” Liara sighed, turning her cup.  “It could take us weeks, possibly months. It all depends on  _ where _ we are.”

_ “Oh ye of little faith.”  _ Joker’s voice came over the line.   _ “I’m about to figure out where we are.  As soon as I figure out which star  _ that _ one is...oh...there’s two...well...that narrows it down to around three hundred solar systems.” _

“Just keep trying, Joker.” Garrus said as he continued to tread the same ten foot spanse of flooring.

…..

Shaw finally found civvies.  Her armor was heaped in a corner of the hospital room.  She’d taken to going out in the mornings and helping people comb through rubble, find ways to nearest shelters, and fix whatever she could.  It was tedious work, but it was something to keep her mind off of Jane. Another week ticked by. She was choking down yet another protein packet.  When it was done, she tossed it into the compactor and rose to take her evening shower. At least the Reapers  _ hadn’t _ destroyed the plumbing.  Or heating. Hey, it was the little things.  She stripped down and stepped under the hot stream of water.  

A loud speaker came on overhead.  She froze. Listening carefully to the code they called out, she sighed, relaxing.  It was the code for a combative patient. She raked her fingers through her hair, tipping her head back and scrubbing the grime from her scalp.  The door to the bathrooms opened. She ignored it. It was normal for others to step into the bathrooms for a shower at this time of the evening.  Humming softly to herself, Shaw turned around to get her face washed. She blew the water away from her mouth as it cascaded over her. She stepped back.  A ridiculously strong, not to mention hard and cold, arm banded over her naked chest. Her eyes flew open as a leather gloved hand covered her mouth and the obvious man started trying to walk her backwards.  He had another thing coming. 

Shaw waited until he was mid step to drop all of her weight at once.  Her would-be captor made a short cry of dismay before she used his own weight against him.  He flipped up over her naked back to smack onto the tiled floor with a wet thud. The sound of metal slamming into the floor echoed with his grunt.  

She dove for her clothes and pulled out her pistol, aiming at him.  He rolled to his feet and crouched like he was ready to pounce back.  That’s when she recognized him. Sort of. 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing, freak!”

“Freak?  I’m just trying to escape this...this  _ place _ !  They won’t let me go!  They won’t even  _ listen _ to me!” He growled back.  He stared at her pistol warily.  He looked both confused and intrigued.  Then his eyes focused on her and he turned his head away with a blush.  “Would you put something on?”

Shaw blushed as well but grabbed her towel and draped it over her.  “Hey,  _ you _ grabbed  _ me _ , pal.  Talk fast before I call for the security guards.”

He looked back at her, narrowing his eyes as he weighed his options.  She noted his eyes were the color of amber whiskey. He also had a scarred lip.  She frowned at him. He hadn’t felt like some weakling when he’d grabbed her. She  _ knew _ now that if she’d not taken him by surprise...there was no way in hell she could have flipped him like that were he aware.  

“I fell through a crack in the Deep Roads and when I awoke, I was here.  Wherever  _ here _ is.”

“Uh...London?”

He frowned at her.  “London?”

“Seriously?  Do you have amnesia or something?  You even have a classic Londoner accent.”

“I’m afraid I don’t understand.  What is this London?”

“...the...the city we’re in.  The city the Reapers just about obliterated along with everywhere else?”

“Reapers?  What do you speak of?”

Shaw nearly dropped her pistol.  He really didn’t know. His face and his voice...no one was  _ that _ good of an actor; she would know.  After all, she was one of the top interrogators of the Alliance Navy.  She lowered the gun. “Where the hell have  _ you _ been?”

“As I said, the Deep Roads.  In Thedas. How has Corypheus’ corruption not spread here?  How are there people  _ alive _ ?” He looked at her.  “Non-combatants were the first to be murdered.  So...how are there people here? Healers, no less?”

“Who is Corypheus?”

He stared back at her incredulously before barking out a bitter laugh.  “Wonderful.” He dropped his hands and shook his head. “Did I fall into an Eluvian?  Or something else down there? And...why  _ me _ ?”

She heard the anger rising in his voice.  “Look, you’re on Earth. London, England to be more precise.  This, here, is a hospital. You were found, probably in the wreckage out there.  They brought you in and treated your wounds.”

“I gathered as much.  But when I asked them how, what manner of magic they were using, they refused to answer me.  The began to try and...stab me. With needles and oddly affixed potion containers. I refused and fought.  Thus why I’m here.”

“...those are called syringes.  How do you not know these things?”

“I should think that rather obvious.” He stated dryly, looking at her blankly.  “I’m not from this world. At least, that much is what I’m coming to gather.”

“No shit, Sherlock.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“...oh for--” Shaw stood up, clutching her towel.  “Well, turn the hell around! I’m going to get dressed and then find you something to wear.”

“What’s wrong with what I’m--”

“You don’t fit in.  At all.”

“I…” He looked down at himself.  “Suppose that is a valid point.” He stood slowly and turned his back to her.  “Thank you. For helping me. I know I don’t deserve such blind trust after--that.”

“Let’s get this straight, bub.  I  _ don’t _ trust you.  But I also can’t have you running about causing chaos around here either.  So, like it or not...you’re stuck with me until I figure out what to do with you.” She finished yanking her clothes on.  She turned and shoved her boots on while shutting the shower off. “Come on.”

He turned and stared at her, his eyes scanning her form.  “I see your point now.”

“Yeah, well, remember.  Eyes up here.” She pointed to her eyes and passed him.  She paused at the door. She looked back at him. “You know what, stay here.  I’ll go get some clothes and then return. Don’t go anywhere.”

He obviously didn’t like that plan.  His jaw clenched but he really didn’t have a choice.  So he nodded stiffly and moved further into the bathroom out of sight.  Shaw heaved a sigh and stepped out. It took her around twenty minutes before she found some men’s clothing.  A pair of jeans, a grey t-shirt, an N7 leather jacket, and a pair of combat boots. She really hoped they’d fit since she’d not had any other luck.  She also hoped he wouldn’t notice the lack of underwear. She slipped back into the bathroom and opened her mouth to call out to him. It struck her then that...she didn’t know his name.  

“Hey, asshole.” 

He stepped out with a less than amused look on his face.  She held out the clothing. He took them, “thank you.”

He stepped around a small partition and began to disrobe.  As he did that, Shaw turned her back to the partition and leaned back on it.  She dropped her head back to stare at the ceiling, crossing her arms, and propping her foot on the partition wall.  “You didn’t tell me your name.”

“Nor did you tell me yours.”

“...touche.”

“...I don’t think I’ll bother asking about that phrase either.”

“It means fairly played.” Shaw pursed her lips.  “Shaw Shephard. My name.”

“...Cullen Rutherford.”

“So, Cullen, I’m guessing this Thedas of yours isn’t very advanced.”

He stepped out from behind the partition.  He glared at her. “I’m beginning to believe advanced is merely based upon perspective.  Do you have magic?”

“...we have biotics.  But that’s based on science and implants.  Why? Do  _ you _ ?”

“Yes.” He answered quickly and easily.  She looked at him then.  _ Really _ looked at him.  She had to say, she was happy she found those clothes.  They looked really good on him. This man was made to wear jeans.  

She snorted at his answer.  “Really? I doubt that.”

“I don’t doubt that you do.” He sighed, looking further irritated by the second.  “But unless you face down a mage with fire blasting at you from their fingertips or have them ice the ground beneath your feet, I truly don’t believe you’ll understand.”

She studied his face.  She frowned. “You really believe that, don’t you?”

He looked at her sharply, his face twisting in anger.  “I am not delusional. Believe whatever you will. But I know of what I speak, Lady Shepard.”

“Shaw.  God, please just Shaw.”

“...Shaw.”

“There, not so hard, is it?”

“How do we get out of here?”

Shaw kicked the door open and gestured.  “You walk out.”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah. I'm a huge Shakarian girl, and I needed a lovely spitfire for Cullen...so...thus Shaw was born. Though she kind of kept coming up in my brain over and over again before I started writing this. So, I guess she just needed the right story to come out in. I swear my lovelies, you WILL get both Cullen Love and Shakarian Love. Just hang in there!


	3. Chapter 3

**Nightmares for Company**

* * *

 

There was no way to sleep.  He’d tried. Every time he closed his eyes, all he saw were the images that haunted him.  He sat in a chair tucked into the corner of the hospital room. His gaze was distant as he stared out the window into the night outside.  His brows were lowered as he tried _not_ to think.  Not to dwell.  Not to remember.  Especially not to remember.  But as with all things, he was a failure.  He couldn’t keep the memories at bay for long.  Like a horde of Darkspawn, they pounded at his resolve until they flooded through the cracks and ripped the door wide open.  Flooding into his mind, they filled him with such agonizing sorrow, anger, and devastation.

 

_“Commander!  We must go_ **_now_ ** _!”_

 

_“I love you, you know that?”_

 

_“Maker watch over you.”_

 

_“She’s fallen...Maker save us...Evelyn has fallen…”_

 

Cullen ground his teeth against the voices flitting across his mind.  Everyone he held dear, every friend... _Evelyn_...they were all gone.  Or worse, enslaved. He bent forward and buried his fists against his face.  The beautiful, freckled face of his love taunted him. Her face laughing, nose crinkling, and eyes sparkling with humor.  Her naked body in his hands as they moved together. Her sighs, her tears, her kisses, her touch, her very soul…

 

A choked sob left him.  She was forever gone. And he couldn’t even hold her one last time.  She was hundreds of feet up in the air. Up there, so high, out of his grasp when Corypheus ripped her still-beating heart from her chest.  Crushed it in his mangled hand. Dropped it to the depths below. Cullen shook as he muffled his weeping.

 

A sound made him freeze and tense.  He quickly smothered his tears and hastily scrubbed their evidence away.  Looking up, he scanned the room for any threats. The odd beeping thing in the corner continued away.  The sound came again and he was drawn to look at the red haired woman who’d helped him without real reason to; laid bent on the odd bed where another red haired woman slept.  She shifted and the faint light from the hallway glinted off of fresh tears flowing from her closed eyes. Tiny cries and whimpers came from her. He stared at her, knowing exactly what the pinched look to her brow meant.  The way she tensed and flinched.

 

Nightmares.  Something he knew all too intimately.  He tore his gaze away. It wasn’t his concern.  Her sorrow was her own to dwell in without prying eyes watching.  He’d not stand it well if someone watched him wallow in his own. He turned his gaze back out the window and pushed the woman’s sounds from his mind.  

 

…..

 

It took several days of asking, but eventually there was a place for the displaced family of those who were locked up in the hospital.  A mostly intact hotel across the broken, cracked road was cleared for the most part of debris. At least there was power in most of the rooms and the plumbing still worked.  Shaw snuck Cullen out of Jane’s room and over to the hotel. She explained her situation. It didn’t take long for her to realize that due to lack of space and the way things were being handled all around, Cullen would either have to go it alone out in a world he obviously didn’t understand...or stay with her in a single room.  She didn’t care about propriety. So she led him up to their temporary abode. The room was fairly well kept all things considered. Only a few shattered lamps to clean up and some ripped wallpaper hung. All in all, she’d seen worse when the galaxy hadn’t been busy being ripped apart.

 

She nodded to the bed.  “You should get some rest.  I’ll snag a shower and then find us some food.”

 

Cullen shook his head.  “No. I’ll be fine.”

 

Shaw shot him a disbelieving look but just left it alone.  She couldn’t begrudge him. She stepped into the bathroom and started the shower.  She closed the door and stripped down. A glint at her neck reflected at her in the mirror.  She reached down and pulled the silver necklace up to inspect the ring dangling from the tiny chain.  She ran her fingers over the silver band and the small diamond studding its surface. She felt the weight of loss begin to crash down on her.  Dropping the necklace, she shook herself and stepped under the lukewarm spray. It didn’t take long before she was done. She dried off and dismally picked up her underwear.  Making a face, she dunked them into the sink and scrubbed them with hand soap before she wrung them out and hung them up on the back of the door. It wasn’t the first time she’d gone commando.  It wouldn’t be the last. She shoved her clothes back on and stepped out. Cullen stood, leaning by the window. He was staring off into space.

 

“Why don’t you take a shower?  It’ll probably feel good after all those days being confined to a bed.”

 

Cullen looked at her as though he’d just realized she was speaking.  “I assume this shower is a bathing mechanism?”

 

“Uh…” She blanked.  “Yeah. It’s like a bath but sprayed on you.  I guess kind of like a controlled waterfall? Like how you found me originally, in the hospital...”

 

Cullen nodded slowly turning away from her.  “I see.”

 

“Do you want me to show you how to--”  


“I don’t need coddling.  I’ll learn faster if I do it myself.”

 

Shaw glared at him.  “Fine then. Do what you want.”  She turned and stormed out. She took the fire escape steps down, two at a time.  Idly she heard a teasing voice in the back of her head.

 

_“Don’t break your leg, now.”_

 

She missed the bottom step and pitched forward, slamming into the wall.  She gasped as she clenched the ring through her shirt. She kept her eyes shut tightly and tried to ignore the lancing pierce through her heart.  Taking a deep, steadying breath, she pushed herself up to stand and rubbed her palm. She’d have another bruise later. She shouldered open the door and stepped into the lobby.  She walked up to the officer in control of the area for now. He turned as she approached.

 

“Hey.  Lieutenant Shaw Shepard.” She held out her hand.  He blinked as he recognized her surname.

 

“Wait...like... _the_ Shepard?”

 

“Jane is my sister.” Shaw bit her cheek to keep from making any unpleasant faces.  “I’m curious if there are any rations I can get my hands on?”

 

“There’s a box there in the corner of protein pastes and a few stale MREs.” He pointed.  “How many people are you needing for?”

 

“Just two.  My companion is up in the room.”

 

“Then take four.”

 

“Thank you.” She snagged the amount she was told and jogged back up to the room.  She stepped inside to the sound of the shower running. She scoffed, bitterly thinking, _‘guess he figured it out.’_  She tossed two packets of paste on the table by the window.  She ripped open hers and choked down her own slowly. The door to the bathroom opened and Cullen stepped out, toweling his hair.  She barely flicked a glance at him. Instead she sat, facing the wall next to the door. The tacky printed picture faded from sun exposure and the glass cracked from all the craziness just outside the building.  

 

“What’s this?”

 

She didn’t bother turning.  “Protein paste. Food rations for now.”

 

The sound of the packet being turned about before ripped open preceded a sudden disgusted gag.  “ _This_ is edible?  I thought our rations in the Order were bad.”

 

She shrugged, tossing her empty packets into the trash bin.  “It’s packed with the essentials needed. Doesn’t stop it from tasting like shit.”

 

A tense quiet fell over the room.  She reached up blindly without thinking to toy with the ring on her necklace.  She took a deep breath; holding it for ten seconds before releasing it slowly. She repeated this practice until she felt a modicum of calm.  

 

“Who did you lose?”

 

She dropped her hand and her gaze.  “My fiance. You?”

 

He sighed, “my love, my family, my friends... _everyone_.”

 

“It doesn’t stop hurting, does it?”

 

“...no.  No, it doesn’t.  How long?”

 

Shaw ticked off the time on her fingers.  “Two months ago? Maybe? You?”

 

“Seven months, give or take.”

 

She frowned and turned then, leaning on her left hand.  “Was it this...Corypheus dude you talked about?”

 

Cullen’s eyes turned down to the shitty carpet on the floor.  “Yes and no. He killed my love, yes. I never even--I never got to see her body.  I never got to bury her. Then my family, I assume, was murdered from the demon army that swept over my homeland.  The last of my friends died in the Deep Roads as we just fought to survive long enough to spite the asshole.”

 

“Jay died in my arms.” Shaw confessed.  “After he pushed me aside.”

 

The shared misery didn’t forgive the animosity, but it helped soothe the tension between them.  Cullen didn’t look up as he rubbed his hands together between his knees. “That woman in the infirmary...is she related to you?”

 

“My elder sister.” Shaw shoved off the bed and began to walk around aimlessly just to move.  “She’s the reason the Reapers stopped. The reason we found a way to stop them period.”

 

“What are these Reapers you speak of?”

 

“Sentient machines that come out every several thousand years to annihilate every single space-faring species that embraced their leftover technologies.  Or so we’ve concluded.”

 

Cullen lifted his head to frown at her then.  “Machines? Like...trebuchets? Siege equipment?”

 

Shaw paused to stare at him.  She glanced toward the window.  “No. Come with me. I’ll show you.”  She turned and opened the door. He rose and did follow her.  They left the hotel and picked over remnant rubble and pockets of debris so large they had to be very careful.  Cullen took it all in like a student in a lecture. She topped a heap of toppled building and turned to look at him as he climbed up after her.  She pointed to the giant mechanical monster, still and unmoving on the horizon. He topped the pile and his face suddenly went from curiosity to stunned horror.  

 

“That...is a Reaper.”

 

Cullen looked like he couldn’t breathe.  He stared at the monocled tower of destruction, forever powered down.  She then pointed further down to the rotting corpses of Reaper Indoctrinated beings.  He followed where she pointed with his eyes and took it all in muted awe.

 

“...and...you defeated them?”

 

“With a bigger machine.  The Crucible. Jane activated it and it sent a shockwave of... _something_ that shut the Reapers and all of its creature creations off.  Killed them. But everything you see, all this destruction, is from just _that_ one.  There were hundreds in London alone.”

 

Cullen turned to look at her then.  “One of these beings killed your lover.”

 

She nodded once in affirmation before she turned and began to climb back down the pile.  She didn’t wait to see if he was going to follow. She began to walk away. She was halfway down the street when he caught up to her, running.  He didn’t say a word to her as they walked back to the room. The sun set and she settled down to revisit her nightmares. Cullen sat in the corner, watching the stars in the sky.  Neither spoke another word for the rest of that night.

 

…..

 

_Fingers trailed over his naked chest.  A head of chestnut, unruly hair lifted as twinkling hazelnut eyes looked up at him.  She shifted and rested her arms on his chest, propping her chin atop them._

 

_“You’re thinking hard again.”_

 

_“Oh?  You think so?” He chuckled, looking down at her in adoration._

 

_“Oh, I_ **_know_ ** _so.” She giggled, scrunching her nose in that way he loved so much.  “You have that ‘I’m Commander Cullen and I’m busy thinking again’ look on  your face.” She mimicked a deep voice._

 

_Cullen laughed and flipped them over.  “You sound ridiculous when you mock me.”_

 

_“‘You sound ridiculous when you mock me.’” She teased him again.  He sat up on his knees and set his fingers to work upon her rips. She screamed and wiggled, trying to escape his tickling hands.  “C-Cullen! N-n-nooo!!” Her laughter echoed around the tower. He laughed along with her._

 

_His hands stilled and he leaned over her, “I love you.”_

 

_Catching her breath, Evie grinned back up at him.  “I love_ **_you_ ** _.”  She lifted to kiss his nose._

 

Cullen woke with a start, looking around frantically and finding himself crumpled uncomfortably in a chair, in a dusty room, with a woman he hardly knew.  His heart lurched painfully at the fading dream that was more memory than anything. He stood and forced his muscles to stretch and his joints to pop. At least here...he wasn’t plagued by the desire demons.  He also noted his lyrium withdrawal wasn’t nearly as crippling. He turned, crossing his arms, and stared out the window once more.

 

“No…”

 

He turned halfway as Shaw thrashed on the bed, whimpering and crying in her sleep.  Whatever she was seeing, or more aptly...reliving, was vivid in her sleep. She clawed at the blankets, tossing onto her side and gasping loudly.  Her breathing became suddenly loud and sharp as she turned to bury her face in the pillow. She sobbed as quietly as she could as though she worried he was asleep.  He forced himself to turn away. It wasn’t his place to try and say something or help her. What the hell could he say anyway? It would get better? He’d be a liar.

 

“Sorry…”

 

He turned again, surprised.  She was sitting up, her back to him.  “For what?”

 

“I know I’m not quiet when I...dream.”

 

“I wasn’t sleeping.” He shrugged as though that was enough explanation.  

 

Shaw raked a hand through her hair.  Her right arm suddenly glowed orange.  Cullen started at the sight. She moved her arm down and used her opposite hand to start... _touching_ the light.  He couldn’t help the curiosity now.  He walked close to see she was poking at a screen.  It was part of a translucent device _imbedded_ in and around her arm.

 

“What is that?”

 

Shaw looked up, her red rimmed eyes flicking between his face and her arm.  “This? It’s an omnitool. Everyone uses them in our galaxy.”

 

He could have sworn she mumbled something akin to, _what world are you from?_  “What purpose does it serve?”

 

“Communications, locking and unlocking doors, the extranet…” She ticked things off that made little sense to him.  He understood communications. And the locking, unlocking of doors.

 

“This world is so very different from my own.” He shook his head and straightened from where he’d leaned over to study the device.

 

“...yeah, well, if you’re going to be here even semi-permanently, you’ll have to get one of these to survive.”

 

“And how does one go about that?”

 

Shaw turned her arm over and showed him the underside of her forearm.  She deactivated the device. Running a finger along a tiny scar she tapped it.  “It gets surgically implanted here. It communicates with your brain directly through the nervous system.  Takes a little getting used to, but once you do...it’s just another piece of you.”

 

“...and I will need one?”

 

She nodded.

 

Cullen stared down at her arm.  “I suppose if it’s necessity…”

 

“Speaking of, you seem very militaristically trained.  What’s your rank?”

 

He rose a brow at that.  Then he had to remember, he wasn’t known here.  At all. “I was last Commander of the Inquisition.”

 

“Commander?  Wow. That’s...pretty hefty a rank.”

 

He didn’t know what to say to that.  He cleared his throat, “well, I wasn’t always.  I started at the bottom of the barrel. Then only by coincidence and...circumstance, I became Knight-Captain in Kirkwall.”

 

“Knight-Captain?  What kind of military uses that title?”

 

“Templar Order.  Those tasked with overseeing mages under the Chantry.”

 

“...templars?  As in, swords and shields, knights in shiny armor?”

 

Cullen looked at her in surprise.  “Yes, actually. A bit more detailed than that but there is the base of it.”

 

“You really are a fucking knight.  It wasn’t just...some weird costume, was it?  That was _real_ armor you were wearing.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Holy shit.”

 

Cullen snorted and looked away.  “You seem so shocked. It was commonplace where I’m from.”

 

“It _was_ commonplace _here_ , thousands of years ago.”

 

He raised his hand and rubbed his neck.  It was still store and stiff from how he’d been sleeping in the chair.  Shaw’s face suddenly lit up.

 

“You’re from another galaxy.”

 

He paused in his motions to stare back at her.  “Pardon?”

 

“There are galaxies beyond our reach even with our technology, that are theorized to have electromagnetic fields so thick and volatile that our most basic devices would just fizzle out and no longer work.  If life exists on any planet in those galaxies...then it would make sense for them to not advance their technology further than what we call medieval.” Shaw stood up and faced him. “You must have found a wormhole or something.”

 

“Wormhole?  Electromagnetic?  What--” Cullen didn’t get to finish.

 

Shaw began to pace.  “Electromagnetic means the combining of electric currents or fields and magnetic fields.  It fries electronic devices with a forced combination of the two forces.”

 

“All right, electric being...what?  Lightning like?”

 

“Yes.” She pointed at him.  “Actually, _a lot_ like lightning.  Just more focused and contained.  Sort of. Then magnetic...like gravity.  The force that pulls us down when we fall.  But with two ends pulling each other toward one another with unending force.”

 

“What is a wormhole?”

 

Shaw paused in her pacing.  “Like a tunnel.” She walked to the trash bin and pulled out her two empty protein packets.  She set them on opposite ends of the bed. She gestured to space between. “Okay, like this. A tunnel from this point to this point.  But all through here, the middle, is space and time. It’s been theoretical for...well, ever...but we based a lot of ideas in our mechanics around here on the theoretical sciences.  If you happened to find one from your galaxy to ours?”

 

“That might answer one question.  But it then opens up a vast number of others.”

 

“Such as?”

 

“Could someone or something follow me through?”

 

Shaw looked at her crude diagram and drummed her fingers on the bed.  “If they had, I would suspect they’d already be here. But then again, maybe...maybe something had to open our side?  Like a key in a lock. Like…the Crucible firing.”

 

“You believe it pulled me through?” Cullen asked, skeptically.

  
“Maybe not intentionally.” Shaw stood up.  “But it was an event we’ve _never_ experienced before.  And if there’s one thing I’ve learned in this mess of a Reaper war...it’s that the unexpected is usually the most accurate thing to plan on.”

* * *

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Waking in a World Changed**

* * *

A hard day’s work was something Shaw was finding she really appreciated.  Sitting around and waiting for Jane to wake up or someone to show up was far more draining than heavy lifting.  It also helped that her current room-mate was damn near as strong as a krogan. He could lift things that most of the other men around had to gather up to budge.  It’d been a good three weeks since she’d wound up with him as a room-mate. She wasn’t sure what to make of him still. He seemed like he wanted to be friendly but was holding back.  Like the idea of having a friend was terrifying. Then again, she couldn’t blame him. She’d asked him one night a week before about what happened to his world. She’d been left in tears as he numbly and emotionlessly described in detail how his world was completely shattered and destroyed.  He’d gone from a destroyed world to a newly saved one. 

She wiped her brow and resecured her hoodie jacket tied around her hips.  She stared out at the mess they were clearing. The first two days hadn’t seemed like much progress was being made.  Cullen joined their efforts on the third day. They were on the sixth day and it was damn near cleared. Shaw returned to the task at hand.  She grabbed a piece of sheetrock and began to shove it up to roll toward the junk heap they were piling up out of the way. Her neck jerked painfully right before a metal ping sounded and the sudden slack around her neck made her cry out loudly.  She dropped the sheetrock in a panic and slapped her hand to her chest. The chain slipped from her hand and she ignored the slam of the slab she’d been lifting on her shoulders as it fell back again. 

“No!” She yelled and dropped to her knees, her hands frantically shuffling around.  “No, no, no, no!!”

Cullen was beside her, kneeling down.  “What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

“My ring!” She blurted out, tears blurring her vision.  “It caught on the slab and broke off!”

Cullen looked over the area.  He turned back and rose. He moved to the sheetrock and lifted it up, shuffling it aside.  Shaw scurried under it without care. She bumped it and offset the balance Cullen had on it.  He grunted and lost his grip.

“Shaw!” He called out.  She ignored him and continued shuffling under the sheetrock.  She was suddenly dragged back by the back of her pants. She shrieked in anger and rolled over right as the sheetrock slammed back down next to  her, missing her by inches. 

“What are you doing?!”  She scrabbled back to the slab.  

Cullen stared at her like she’d gone insane.  “What do you think  _ you _ are doing?!”

“I have to find my ring!”

“It’s not worth your life!”

“Shut up!   _ You _ don’t understand!!”

Cullen growled and yanked her viciously away from the pile of rubble.  “Don’t you _ dare _ assume that.   _ You _ got to keep  _ something _ of him.   _ You _ got to hold him one last fucking time!   _ I didn’t get to see her die.  I _ had to  _ hear about it _ .”

Shaw stared into his dirt and grime covered face, the tears on her cheeks cooling.  She felt something inside of her snap. She fell forward, burying her face against Cullen’s chest.  She sobbed loudly and brokenly into his shirt. Cullen didn’t move for so long. She was afraid she’d just offended him before he shifted and pulled her to him, almost too roughly.  She felt him shudder and shake with his own silent tears. 

They stayed that way for so long that their legs went numb.  They stumbled to their feet and leaned on one another all the way back to the room.  Shaw waved Cullen on to get his shower first. Once the door was closed between them, she slid to the floor and stared at the walls.  She felt empty. Even if she wanted to cry more, she didn’t have anything left to cry. She almost felt raw inside. After Cullen finished, she dragged herself to the shower and scrubbed her skin until she was red.  She dried off and shoved on the second pair of clothes she’d managed to find around. She flopped on the bed. Cullen sat uncomfortably in the chair, trying to find a way to fall asleep.

She smacked the bed next to her.  “Sleep here.”

Cullen stared at her for a long moment, but she didn’t acknowledge it.  She was just about out when the bed sank with his weight. She passed out soon thereafter.

An obnoxious beeping sound woke her.  She dragged her right arm in front of her face, flicking the omnitool on.  She groggily stared at the screen.

“What?”

“They’re here.” Hannah Shepard spoke smoothly.  “And so am I. We’ll be heading over to the hospital as soon as I’m done speaking with you.”

Shaw sat up, shaking the sleep off.  “I’ll meet you at Jane’s room.”

“See you, sweetie.” Hannah hung up.  Shaw dragged herself from bed. 

“Do you need me to go with you?”

Shaw looked over her shoulder at Cullen.  “No. But thank you. I’ll be back...sometime.”

She stood and shoved her boots on, tying them with years of practiced ease.  She shrugged her hoodie on and stepped outside. The walk across to the hospital was brief.  She was at Jane’s room before she knew it. She kissed Jane’s forehead.

“Your crew is coming, Jany.”

The monitors bleeping were the only answer Shaw got.  She pulled back and flopped into the same chair Cullen sat in all that time ago.  She leaned her elbows on her knees and waited. It was roughly forty-five minutes later that a bustle came from the hallways.  Shaw watched as Hannah Shepard burst into the room like a whirlwind fury. She bent over Jane and did something Shaw hadn’t seen since her father’s death.  

Hannah Shepard cried.

Shaw sat there, unseen as each of Jane’s unmatched crew greeted her.  The one that made Shaw flinch and have to leave was when the turian bent to press his brow plates to Jane’s forehead.  He mumbled something about being back at her six. Trembling, Shaw quickly slid into the background and out the secondary door.  She gulped air as she fought to keep her emotions under control. She was clenching the handrail in the hallway, when a hand settled on her shoulder.  She turned and made a tiny cry. 

“Hey kid.” Joker smiled at her.  She turned and flung her arms around the one crewmate that Shaw knew.  Since he’d been assigned to Jane’s crew, he’d been the one to buffer her calls to her sister.  And in turn, they’d gotten to know each other. He was like the brother neither girl ever had. “Careful on the fragile man!”

She snorted and pulled back.  “I’m glad to see you’re in one piece.”

“No thanks to the famous Commander Shepard.” Joker teased before looking back at the room.  “But, seriously now, how are you?”

“...Jay...he…”

Joker looked back and his face showed his sympathy.  “Damn.”

“She’s been stable but...the doctor’s say she might not wake up.”

“...she’ll wake up.” Joker sighed, leaning on the railing beside her.  “Her other half is here. If anyone can get her out of that coma, it’s Garrus.  As they always say, there’s no Shepard without Vakarian.”

It took so much effort to keep the pain and the sting of jealousy from showing.  “Good. She needs to wake up.”

“Where are you holed up?”

“Across the street.  There’s a hotel for family.”

Joke peeked out the line of windows.  “Uh...the half falling apart roach motel?”

“...that’s the one.”

“You  _ do _ know we have room on the Normandy, right?”

Shaw looked out across the street.  She opened her mouth to argue.

“With  _ real _ food.”

She snapped her mouth shut.  She glanced at him. “Coffee?”

“We were super stocked up before the last push.  Thank god for that. So we’ve got food, water, not dusty and rickety old beds, and yes...coffee.”

Oh, what she wouldn’t give for real food.  “There’s a complication. I have a plus one with...again, more complications.”

“...yeah?” Joker looked at her.  

“Yeah.  He’s um...not from Earth.”

“Oh, well that’s kind of a normal thing on the Normandy.   _ You _ saw her crew.”

“No, Joker.  He’s not from the Milky Way.”

Joker stared back at her hard.  “How...he’s not...involved with the Reapers right?  Because I’m pretty damn sure Shepard succeeded and--”

“No.  No. Not like that.  Like I said, complicated.” Shaw shrugged.  “I can’t just leave him to figure this all out.”

“What do you think Shep would say to this?”

“Before or after she asked what the hell I’d gotten myself into now?”

Joker smirked, “after.”

“...get my ass onboard and we’d sort through the shit later.”

“Then get this mystery guy to the Normandy.  Shep’s covered. Garrus won’t leave her side until she wakes up.” Joker pushed away and pat her back as he moved away.

Shaw sighed, watching the sun rise.  She glanced into the room as she passed by it.  He was right. Jane was covered. Shaw had started outside and walked toward the hotel.  A grunt came from down the street. She frowned and looked that way. A figure was climbing around the debris they’d been clearing yesterday.  Her brow furrowed as she tried to make out what kind of person was out there digging through the mess. A flash of blonde hair made her heart speed up a bit.  She turned and walked down the street toward them. She paused at the edge of the pile and tried to see into the mess. A thud and a curse sounded. 

“Hey, you okay in there?”

The man popped up and looked over at her.  Shaw’s eyes widened. Cullen’s face was almost grey from all the dust.  “Uh...yes.”

“What the hell are you doing in there?!” Shaw chastised, moving to climb into the pile as well.  

“I was looking for this.” Cullen held up his hand, a small circular object pinched between his forefinger and thumb.  She froze, her heart in her throat. He turned it back into his palm and climbed out and slid down the stack to her. He held it out to her.  She took the ring and felt her hands trembling. “That  _ is _ it, right?”

“Y-yes.” She croaked out.  “How did--?”

“After you left I got up and came out here.”

“That was over two or three hours ago!” She looked up in disbelief.

Cullen shrugged.  “It’s all you have left of him.  I would give anything to have something left of Evie.”

Shaw’s lip quivered before she threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly.  “Thank you.”

Cullen hesitated before hugging her back.  “What I said yesterday...I was wrong to say.  You have every right to feel the way you do. I lost Evie five months ago.  You just lost your love a month and a half ago.”

Shaw shook her head and stepped back, sniffling.  “You were right. It’s just a ring. But, I can’t...not that easily.”

“Why are you not still with your sister?”

“Her crew is here.  And we have a place to stay.  With real food.”

Cullen’s eyes sharpened at the word  _ food _ .  “Not more protein packs?”

Shaw laughed for the first time since her life went to hell.  Cullen smirked back at her. “No. No more protein packs.”

“What are we waiting for?”

…..

Garrus sat beside Shepard.  His hand covering hers. At some point, everyone else sidled out.  The only one he’d really registered was Liara when she squeezed his cowl gently and stepped out.  He released a breath he’d not realized he’d been holding and leaned over to rest his head by her hip.  She wasn’t dead. That was a start. Everything had to start from  _ something _ .  He wasn’t even entirely sure what all he was expecting.  Waiting for her to wake up? Sure. But after that? Hell if he knew.  

He passed the days by, revisiting stories from their shared past verbally.  He answered emails and ran, re-ran, and ran again several calibration calculations until even  _ that _ had his head so full he couldn’t see straight.  Each crew member came and went periodically. Liara especially.  But even he knew she came for him just as much for Shepard. Bringing him fresh clothes, food, tea, whatever she somehow intuited he’d need.  

What caught him most off guard though, was when Shepard’s mother introduced her other daughter to him.  He remembered Shepard mentioning younger siblings and their troubles once before when he’d been pacing with head spinning over Solana and his dad’s safety.  But he hadn’t really expected to meet her. At least, not like this. 

He lost track of time.  He was vaguely aware of the date only due to emails.  He rested his head once more, just for a moment. He was asleep before he knew it.  He woke up to hand on his fringe. He groaned softly and tilted his head toward the hand.  Spirits but did he need a good fringe scratch. A soft chuckle sounded and slowly he froze into place.  His eyes opened and he turned his head to look up, unsure what he’d see.

Warm, green eyes stared back at him with that damnable smirk he loved so much.  “Did I wake you?”

Garrus’s mouth plates twitched into a turian grin.  “Only a little.”

“Oh, really now?”

“Mm.  But then again, you seem to have a knack of keeping me awake if I recall.”

“Do I now?” Her voice was hoarse from misuse, but it was all Shepard.  “Sorry, but not sorry.”

He sat up and moved to press his brow plates to her brow.  “Welcome home, Shepard.”

“You know what they say, ‘home is where the heart is.’  But I have to say...the bar up there? Sucks without you.”

He chuckled despite himself.  “I’ll write them a letter. In detail.  On how they need better service, better drinks, and music to tango by.”

Shepard laughed then, pulling his mouth down.  “Come here, you.”

He obliged without hesitation.  His mouth parted and his tongue swept up into the familiar dance with hers.  They parted after a while. “How do you feel?”

“...like my ass was handed to me by a Reaper.”

“Well, you’re not  _ wrong _ .”

She snorted and sat back against the pillows.  “If you’re here, I’m assuming everyone else isn’t too far off.”

“Normandy is docked just a mile away.  Everyone’s okay. Your mom and sister are even here.”

Shepard looked up at that.  “Shawny’s here? Is she okay?”

“She’s fine, Shepard.  Maybe a little worse for wear, but we all are.”

“Have you gotten ahold of your dad and sister?” 

Garrus nodded.  “Yeah. Actually, been keeping contact with them.  Once comm buoys were re-established, communications lit up across the main systems.  The extranet is booming. You should hear what they have to say about you.”

She rolled her eyes.  “I’m not sure I want to know.”

“All hero worship, I assure you.  And there’s even some praise for that dashing turian you seem to like to keep around.”

“Oh?  All widely embellished, I’m sure.” Her green eyes twinkled with humor.

“Mostly.” He agreed, shrugging.

“I missed you.”

“Yeah?  I’m kind of missable, aren’t I?”

“Garrus…”

“I missed you too.  More than you know.”

Shepard sighed and laid her head back.  “I’m hungry.”

Garrus laughed then, shaking his head at his so-typical Shepard.  

* * *

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Avoiding the Elephant**

* * *

News of Jane waking up was met with a rush to the hospital.  Shaw sat on her bunk in the starboard observation room. She didn’t even care that Cullen’s bunk had been shoved in there too.  Joker had said it was temporary; basically until Jane found out her baby sister was bunking with a man. She’d rolled her eyes at Joker and lightly punched him.  Cullen was currently in the med-bay. He’d had his omnitool implanted. Due to the fact he’d never undergone this kind of procedure before, he’d been put under by Dr. Chakwas.  In the meantime, Shaw was using her connections with her particular job in the Alliance to find an identity she could adopt with a few tweaks here or there. She’d pried his age and full name out of him after a bit of work on her part.

“Aha.” She said as she found a file on a deceased man in the Alliance.  He had no family to speak of. He was thirty-one exactly and he actually had credits in the bank, untouched.  She felt a bit of guilt as she stole the file and reworked it. But, to be honest, he wouldn’t be using any of this ever again.  He’d been confirmed deceased a year ago. She downloaded the file and rose from her bunk. She moved to the elevator and exited. She walked straight to the back war meeting room.  She found a console with Alliance links and started to work her magic. She uploaded the file and began changing information. The officer’s name was scrubbed and Cullen’s was placed there instead.  She fudged some details, like place of birth, yadda, yadda, yadda. She had everything settled faster than she’d thought possible. She cracked her knuckles as she pushed the button to replace it into the Alliance files.  

It seemed to replace smoothly.  Now, all she needed to complete it was a dna readout.  She then set to work hacking into the medical files onboard.  The first firewall was nothing. The second, however, was bit more complicated to navigate around.  Whoever built the second one was really good. She had difficulty but finally punched through. She found the readout she was looking for.  She took a copy and then placed it in the file she’d created for Cullen. Now, as far as anyone would know, Commander Cullen Stanton Rutherford of the Alliance Navy was a thirty-one year old Londoner who had been assumed M.I.A.  Until they saw his files and matched his new omnitool. There would be questions, but she had confidence she could help him answer them with the least amount of suspicion. After all, Jane came back from death twice now. 

She reset the firewalls and walked out nonchalantly.  A key part of getting away with such a ridiculously large criminal act was to pretend you were where you were supposed to be, doing what you were supposed to be doing.  She returned to her bunk and flopped back, a breath rushing from her. If she ever got caught from what she’d just done…? 

“Goodbye Shaw Shepard.  Hello space-jello.”

…..

Cullen’s eyes opened slowly.  He blinked blurry eyes several times before he grunted and pushed to sit up.  He felt a bit of discomfort in his left forearm. He looked down and saw the pale line of scarred tissue.  He frowned, a bit of panic rising. How long had he been out for this procedure? The doctor, a woman with a damn near Ferelden accent stood up and walked over.

“Good, you’re awake.  How do you feel, Commander?”

He looked up at her, almost taken aback by the formality.  But then again, he  _ was _ a commander, wasn’t he?  He just hadn’t heard his title in so long… “Uncomfortable.  How long was I out?”

“Twenty four hours.  The sedative wore off just a few moments ago.”

“Only a day?  But...how is this already sealed and healed?”

The doctor paused and eyed him oddly.  “Medi-gel. Do you have a form of amnesia as well?  I’m surprised I couldn’t find evidence of your last implant.  Not even scarring. Do you recall anything from before you were found in the London hospital Shepard is admitted in?”

Cullen stared at her blankly.  Then it clicked. His new identity.  Well, damn. Shaw must have actually done what she’d said.  He frowned, deciding to play it safe. “I don’t recall anything really.  I feel almost like I’m from another galaxy at this point.”

“Don’t we all.” The doctor sighed, accepting his answer.  “Your memories  _ might _ come back with time.  But there’s no guarantee on that.  I’m afraid the best I can offer is that you are fit as a fiddle.”

“Thank you, doctor.” Cullen flexed his arm.  “Remind me again how to activate this?”

The doctor smiled like a patient mother.  “Focus on what you want it to do. It will take a few days to get used to.  But once you get the hang of it, it will be like spreading warm butter on toast.”

On cue, Cullen’s stomach growled.  He flushed with embarrassment. The doctor, however, laughed and lightly pat his thigh.  She informed him he was clear to go. He didn’t wait to be told twice. He was out the door and crossed to the kitchenette where he’d been shown how to get some food and heat it.  It was still really foreign but he was slowly getting the hang of everything. Once he had food to eat, he turned only to draw short. A dark haired woman stood on the other side of the counter, eying him.  

“Uh, yes?”

“Just wondering where you came from.” She shrugged. 

Cullen schooled his features.  “Where we all come from.”

She laughed, “that’s a rather obvious statement.  I meant, you sound like you’re from England but I don’t recall even meeting you before.  Are you in the Alliance?”

Cullen really needed to get back to Shaw.  He had to figure out what the hell she’d set up.  “Not to be rude, but I’m very tired and hungry. Perhaps we can revisit this conversation later.” He bowed politely and walked away.  He ignored the puzzled look on her face. He slipped into the shared quarters with Shaw and sagged against the door. He cast a dark look in her direction.  She looked up at him in surprise.

“You’re awake.  I thought you’d be out for at least another couple of hours.”

“I’m resilient.” He stated as though that was answer enough.  “What exactly is this story you’ve concocted on my background?”

“Oh, has it come up already?”

“Yes.”

Shaw shifted on her bunk.  She relayed the details to him as he sat on his bunk and ate.  He finished and listened to the rest of what she had to say before he frowned.  “The doctor had mentioned something about amnesia?”

“Did she?  That...actually works in our favor.  A  _ lot _ .  If you supposedly can’t remember anything before waking up in London, it would definitely be in our favor to cover the fact you’re actually not even from our galaxy.  Are you prepared to start training?”

Cullen set his empty plate aside, casting her a loaded look.  “I hardly believe training is going to be an issue.”

“You’re a  _ commander _ .  Meaning, you should have a pretty damn good muscle memory of fighting.  The first time you’re out there facing mercs or pirates, you’re going to come up short in the type of fighting  _ we _ do  _ here _ .  We don’t use swords and shields here.”

“I assure you...I will manage whatever you throw at me.”

“Famous last words.” Shaw sighed before she unfolded from her bunk and walked over to the crate he’d noticed upon coming back in.  “While I’m thinking on it, I managed to get you some more clothing.”

He rose and followed her.  She opened the metal crate and stepped back.  He peered inside and reached in, pulling out a deep red shirt and some more pants.  Boots and what looked like smalls but cut very oddly. He held one up to inspect it.  “I believe this is smallclothes...but I’m hard-pressed to understand how.”

“Just like pants, I guess?” She shrugged, looking at a loss.

“Hm.” He tucked them back in.  “Thank you.”

“You needed it.  I’m working on getting you some battle gear too.  We’ll work on your marksmanship and basic battle drills tomorrow.”

“Why are you doing all of this?” Cullen asked, finally caving to his desire to know.

She looked at him.  “The way I see it is this...you have nobody.  You’re in a new world in a new  _ galaxy _ .  I’m guessing your world is...gone.  If I didn’t help you, who was going to?  Besides, my father always told me to help others when I have the abilities to do so.  If I don’t, what’s the point of having abilities in the first place?”

Cullen stared at the woman before him.  A newfound respect growing for her. “Your father is a wise man.”

“Was.  And yes.  He was.” She smiled faintly before turning and grabbing some clothing from her own crate before she turned and left him alone in their shared quarters.  Cullen rubbed his neck awkwardly as he sighed and began to change into clean clothing as well. 

…..

The automatic rifle she’d given Cullen took him barely an hour to figure out.  Once he had, he hardly looked like it was the first time he’d ever held a gun. The pistol was next, then the shotgun, smg, and lastly a sniper rifle.  He had a natural affinity for the rifle and pistol however. She pegged him right. He was also slowly getting a bit more acquainted with his omnitool. It  _ was _ funny to watch it activate randomly without his meaning to.  He’d grumble and curse and focus  _ so hard _ to get it back under control.  They ran a few miles every morning for the next two weeks.  She taught him the basic Alliance drills and he, in turn, showed her ways to improve them for herself.  She was impressed. She could also see how he was commander in his world. His eye was critical but accurate.  

She purposely busied herself, dealing with Cullen, so that she didn’t have a spare moment to go see Jane.  It wasn’t that she didn’t  _ want _ to see her sister.  But she...couldn’t face her.  Not yet. Not until the anger, jealousy, and resentment subsided.  She knew it wasn’t fair to Jane. But it wasn’t exactly like she could just easily get over her feelings.  Cullen really didn’t need her help anymore. She knew that. 

Cullen turned to her as they returned to the ship.  “You need to go see her.”

She glanced over at him.  “Nosy much?”

He sighed, stopping and pulling her to a stop as well.  In the last several weeks, a tentative friendship had begun to grow.  He leveled that serious look at her. “I have--had--two sisters and a brother.  If any one of them were in a state such as yours, I wouldn’t hesitate to go see them.  Even  _ if _ I felt...animosity toward them over something.”

“I don’t--”

“Don’t lie to me.”

Shaw snapped her jaw shut, glaring at him.  He continued anyway.

“You feel anger toward her.  Even I see that. But you  _ need _ to see her.”

“Why?  She didn’t need me.”

Cullen’s expression softened a bit.  “Who do you think kept her tethered here before anyone else came along?”

Shaw stared up at him.  She’d...not thought of that…  She grumbled and turned to march back up the ramp to the Normandy.  “Fine. You win.”

She washed up, changed, and ate a quick bite before she had one of the shuttle pilots take her to Jane’s hospital.  She came to stand outside Jane’s room, her nerves keeping her from finishing her journey. Jane looked good. She was sitting up against her pillows, her bandaged face, arms, legs, etc all looking better.  She was currently laughing at a joke being told. Her green eyes caught sight of Shaw. Her laugh died down and a warm smile replaced it.

“Hey, Shawny.”

Several sets of eyes turned to her.  Shaw swallowed thickly, stepping into the room. She felt like she was on display.  Jane lifted her hand toward Shaw. And just like that, all the years between them melted away.  She was four years old, holding Jane’s hand as they stood over their dad’s grave. Shaw sobbing against Jane while Jane pulled her close and told her,  _ ‘I’m always going to be here, Shawny.  You can count on me.’ _

The dam broke and Shaw walked the rest of the way, hardly able to see through her tears.  She didn’t know who moved and didn’t care. She dropped, hugging Jane as her sister wrapped her up in her injured arms.  Shaw sobbed into Jane’s shoulder. 

“I told you I’m going to be here.” Jane whispered and Shaw nodded dumbly, unable to say a word.  

* * *

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Unfamiliar Faces**

* * *

Cullen sat on his makeshift bunk across from Shaw.  She was watching him with an apprehension he wasn’t sure about.  He flicked his gaze down to her omnitool, active and glowing. He braced himself.

“I know this is necessary,” she started, “but it’s going to be a lot to take in.  I mean, I’m sure you’re used to dealing with only humans on your world.”

He frowned at her.  “We have elves, dwarves and those we call qunari.”

Shaw blinked disbelievingly at him.  “Elves and dwarves? Seriously? Wow, your world really is like the fantasy fairytales from our world.  Just tall tales. What are qunari?”

He knew she was stalling.  He decided to let her have this distraction this once.  “Well, honestly? Like...large people with horns.” He rubbed his neck as he plucked out something he remembered Bull mentioning once upon a time.  “There were some strange rumors that perhaps they had dragon mixed into their breeding long before. But their people are an oddity to the rest of the world and very tight lipped about their origins.”

“Okay, one...people with horns?  That’s kind of...I don’t know, cool.  I don’t know if I’d piss myself or grin like an insane person if I saw one.”  Cullen chuffed out a snicker at her statement before she continued. “But, two...you have  _ dragons _ too?”

“Had.” Cullen gently reminded her.  “And yes, but not many that I know of.  Are we quite finished reminding me of my dead homeworld?”

Shaw flinched, sympathetically nodding.  He felt guilt lance him. She didn’t deserve his snappy tone.  She shifted and projected an image into the air before them before he could apologize.  Whatever he’d been about to say died on his tongue. A blue woman with...strange...what in the Maker  _ were _ those upon her head?  

“Asari.  They are an all female race.  They are also the longest living race I personally know of--”

“All female?”

“Yes.”

Cullen frowned, “but how is that possible?  Unless they mate with other races. And if so, do they all look different than  _ that _ ?  And what in the Maker are  _ those on her head? _ ”

Shaw snorted out a giggle.  He stared at her, surprised by the way her little sound made his pride boost ever so slightly.  “Yes, they  _ do _ mate with other races.  It’s actually rare and frowned down upon when they mate with each other now, according to Liara.  But, that aside, their mating isn’t like what  _ we _ know as humans.  They have to meld minds or some weird shit like that.  Only then can they conceive. Other than that oddity, and their  _ head tentacles _ , they’re pretty much the same as a human female.  Breasts and vagina.”

Cullen made a face at her.  He couldn’t believe she’d just...blurted that out!  He wasn’t a prude, by any means. But to be so...so...bold!  He blushed and shifted uncomfortably. Shaw gave him a loaded look that said she found his reaction rather adolescent.

“Really?  The word vagina makes you uncomfortable?”

“It’s not something one would just  _ blurt out _ in my world!” He argued back.  She stared at him before sighing and nodding.  

“Got it.  But still, it’s just a term.”

“Maybe for you…” He grumped to himself.

“Are you ready for the next?”

He swallowed and nodded.  “Yes.” He’d seen charging qunari before.  What could she possibly show him that was stranger or more terrifying than that?

He was wrong.

“This is a krogan--”

“Is that...a  _ giant armored toad?! _ ” He blurted before he could stop himself.

Shaw’s lips twitched.  He instantly felt ashamed of himself.  He needed to work harder on his control.  Apparently he’d grown slack in his time here.  Then she made an odd sound before she doubled over laughing.  He stared at her in stunned silence. She finally regained herself and slowly pushed up to face him, wiping tears from her eyes.

“Giant armored toad...hahaha...that’s...that’s awesome.  No, they are called krogan. They live a couple hundreds of years.  They are heavy hitters. And try not to insult them when dealing with them.  They are battlemasters and aggressive to boot.”

“I shall keep that in mind.”

The image flickered to another.  “This is a turian. They are soldiers through and through.  Their lives pretty much revolve around some form of military service.”

“I can respect that.” He studied the image.  “They...look avian to me.”

“Somewhat, I guess.  They have a lifespan like ours.”

“I caught glimpse of someone the other day that...she didn’t look quite like us?  But she was hooded with I believe a helmet like the one you showed me for battle armor.”

“Oh, you probably saw Tali.  No, she’s not human. Quarian.”  Shaw typed a few things into her omnitool and the image changed.  As with the other two that had separate genders, it flickered between the two.  “They are very, very good engineers. They _ have _ a home planet, but they mostly live in a series of spaceships called the Flotilla.  They actually just recently regained their homeworld. It’s...a complicated story. It would probably help if you read up on them in your spare time.”

The next one that Shaw showed him made his eyebrow quirk.  “I’m beginning to believe qunari are the most normal looking beings I’ve seen.”

Shaw smirked, “salarians.  They have a very, very short lifespan.  So they tend to think, act, and speak fast.  They are amazing scientists usually. They are also the most amphibious of the species.  Their females lay eggs and their males fertilize them.”

Cullen fought to keep his face neutral.  “I...see.”

“They aren’t the strangest yet…” Shaw grinned at him but it was the kind that made him dread what was coming.  

…..

The look on Cullen’s face when she finished with the hanar and vorcha for all the sentient species in their galaxy was priceless.  She almost lost control of her bladder when she showed him the hanar. She finished up with her task and decided they needed some food.  She led the way to the mess. She was halfway there when she heard her name called. She turned to see Dr. Chakwas beckoning her over. She shooed Cullen on without her and met the doctor.  Dr. Chakwas stepped into the infirmary and closed the door behind Shaw. 

“Joker.” The doctor spoke.  

“Yes’m?”

“Turn off the recorders in here.”

“You got it, doc.” Joker’s voice cut off then.  Chakwas turned to her.

“I’m impressed, Lieutenant.  Your work with the files was almost perfect.”

Shaw felt her gut fall out.  Shit. “Almost.”

Chakwas smiled and motioned to an open seat beside her small desk.  The doctor sat down as Shaw did. “You have nothing to worry about, Lieutenant.  Although, it  _ is _ protocol to turn in such...activities.  Lucky for you, I can see you have good reason.  He’s not from our world, or galaxy for that part.  His DNA is...quite interesting. Human, yet...not quite either.  Something we would not find in the Milky Way.”

Shaw leaned forward.  Even though she understood the levity of her situation, she couldn’t help it.  Her father’s science genes had come to her. “So, his DNA  _ is _ different after all?  How obvious is it?”

“Only a very trained eye would see it.  A very slight deviant in the chromosome pattern.  But enough that he is definitely not from around here, shall we say?”

“Did I mess up the file?”

“Hm?  No. Actually, it was just a small hiccup I caught.  Years of working with files will do that to you. I fixed it, by the way.  There should be no further inquiries. I don’t know why you chose to help him and become his lifeline here, but I respect it nonetheless.”

“So, the amnesia bit?”

Chakwas smirked, “you caught that, did you?  Easiest way to explain away his poor knowledge of this galaxy and what came before he arrived.”

“Thank you, doc.”

“Commander Shepard would have done the same thing.  You’re more alike than either of you would ever admit.”

Shaw rolled her eyes.  “Great, just like big sis.”

“Most people would take it as a compliment.  But, as a younger sister myself, I sympathize.”

“As a doctor...do you think she’ll be up and herself fairly soon?”

“Shepard has  _ always _ been a resilient woman.  She will have lasting damage in her legs.  Perhaps a bit of a limp for the rest of her life.  Her left arm will almost certainly have trouble with gripping things firmly and perhaps some trembling under too much stress.  Like it or not, Cerberus’ implants are the only thing that kept her alive after the Crucible exploded and fell.”

Shaw’s brow lowered and she breathed out slowly.  “So, Cerberus saved her again.”

“Twice back from the dead.” Chakwas mused.

“She really did it.  She saved the galaxy and  _ still _ lived.  Jane is the hero I always knew she’d be.”

“She’s still just your Jane, Lieutenant.  The bond of siblings will always supercede the galaxy’s admiration.”

Shaw smirked wryly.  “Thanks, doc.” She pushed to her feet.  “For everything.”

“Don’t mention it.  Preferably to anyone else.  Besides Joker.”

Shaw frowned at her, “why Joker--?”

“Because he never stopped listening.”  Chakwas sighed. 

“...damn.  And here I thought I was sneaky.” Joker’s voice came over the comm.  “Recording  _ was _ off though.  Pinky swear.”

Chakwas laughed at the look on Shaw’s face.  “Trust me, with all the things Joker’s overheard over the years, he  _ can _ \--in fact--keep a secret.”

“Ugh...you have  _ no _ idea…” Joker groaned over the comm.  

Shaw nodded and sighed in relief, stepping out of the infirmary.  She looked over to see Cullen sitting at the table, talking with Liara of all people.  He looked up at her approach.

“Ah, there you are.  Is everything alright?”  She read the  _ other _ meaning in his question.  She nodded.

“Yeah.  All good.  Just catching up on my files.” 

Cullen’s eyes darkened for a second before he nodded.  He lifted a cup of steaming tea to his lips. “Lady Liara was kind enough to share some tea with me.”

Liara and Shaw both stared at him.   _ Lady _ ?  Liara smiled first.  “Please, Commander Rutherford.  Just Liara is fine.”

Cullen inclined his head and set his tea down.  “Forgive me. Old habits die hard it would seem.”

“No need to apologize for having impeccable manners.” Liara responded smoothly.  She looked up at Shaw. “Almost otherworldly, wouldn’t you say, Lieutenant?”

“...oh fuck.” Shaw grimaced, and closed her eyes.  “ _ That’s _ why I remembered your name.  Liara T’Soni, the newest Shadow Broker.”

Liara’s lips smoothly turned up into a smile.  “I helped Dr. Chakwas... _ smooth _ over the files.”

Cullen frowned, “so she knows then as well.”

Liara inclined her head.  “As well as Joker. I assume it won’t be long before the rest of the immediate crew to Shepard knows.  But you don’t need to worry. Those that  _ need _ to be kept in the dark will be.  I’ll make sure of that.”

“What is a Shadow Broker, exactly?” Cullen asked.  Shaw slipped into the seat beside him. 

“I deal in information.”

“She knows  _ everything _ and what she doesn’t, she knows how to  _ find _ .”  Shaw added, blinking as Cullen slid a small plate of food over to her.  “Er, thanks.”

“You said you were hungry.” He shrugged.  “So, you’re like a spymaster then. Leliana would have loved to pick your mind.”

Liara looked at him closely and smiled in a way that said she’d heard the slight pain in his voice as had Shaw.  “Was she a good friend?”

“She was a good companion.” Cullen acknowledged.  “I’m not certain of how many attempts on my life she thwarted over the years.  I knew of very few of them personally. But I’m certain there were several.”

Shaw picked up the small sandwich and nibbled a bite.  A quiet fell over the table as Liara and Cullen drank their tea and Shaw ate.  Shaw finished her meal and sat back. Just as she did, a turian walked around the corner.  He looked exhausted. She glanced at Liara askance. Liara, however, was watching Cullen. Shaw glanced over to see Cullen’s face was drained of color.

“Hey, Liara.” The turian greeted with a tired wave before he paused and looked at Shaw and Cullen.  “Uh...hi there.”

“Garrus,” Liara greeted back.  “You’ve met Shawna Shepard, correct?”  

“Er, yeah.  At the hospital.  Shepard’s sister. And this is…?” Garrus looked at Cullen pointedly.

“This is Commander Cullen Rutherford.  He and the Lieutenant found one another in the aftermath of the Crucible firing.  They’ve been aiding one another since.” Liara smoothly filled in the gap.

“Oh, I see.  Well, thanks.” Garrus sighed, looking at Liara.  “She kicked me out. So I’m going to get some shut-eye and a shower.”

Liara smirked.  “I’m surprised it took her this long.”

“Har, har.  Asari jokes are bad, you know that?” Garrus snorted and waved as he walked to the main battery room.  

“Turian jokes are worse.” Liara threw back in good humor.  She giggled at the obscene gesture the turian gave over his shoulder before the door shut between them.  She turned back and looked at Cullen. “You can breathe now, Commander.”

Cullen breathed in sharply.  He turned to Shaw. “I reiterate.  Qunari are fast becoming a very normal race to me.”

Shaw chuckled at his expense.  “If this is how you react to a turian in person, I’m actually getting eager to see your reaction to a hanar in person.”

Cullen glared at her.  “Don’t push your luck,  _ Lieutenant _ .”

“Ooh, pulling rank.  So scary!” Shaw giggled and stood, walking over to the kitchenette.  She grabbed a glass of water and chugged it. “Ready for some more practice?”

“Yes.” Cullen rose and  _ bowed _ to Liara.  “Thank you for the tea, La--Liara.”

“You’re most welcome.  If you ever fancy more, feel free to ask.  Besides Dr. Chakwas, nobody here ever really drinks it.”

“I’ll remember that.” Cullen smiled and turned, gesturing with a nod of his head that he was ready to go.  

* * *

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Out in the Open**

* * *

His world fell into a familiar pattern in a foreign land.  Wake, eat, train, eat, read up on information, eat, sleep, plagued by nightmares.  He hardly noticed that two months had passed since he’d boarded this strange vessel he was beginning to call home.  His time with Shaw was an added bonus. She may not have been  _ from _ his world, but she  _ understood _ his need to have moments to mourn it.  Or talk. Or give him space to vent his anger.  Or just...be the friend he hadn’t realized he’d needed.  She listened. She corrected his less than savory emotional outbursts when needed.  She teased him. And she drove him insane. He was informed that morning that this Commander Shepard was being released from her hospital abode to return to the ship.  Since then, Shaw had been acting irritable and off. They stayed out for training outside among the rubble for  _ far longer _ than usual.  He sat on a broken piece of wall, drinking from the water bottle he’d grabbed earlier.  His new battle armor fit comfortably. Much to his surprise. The first time he’d put it on, he’d sneered.  It was tight. Confining. And not heavy enough to be considered armor in his opinion. Until he’d been out training.  It was actually not as restrictive as his metal plate armor had been. It was lighter and easier to duck, roll, or strike out with.  

Shaw struck out at a pillar with a yell.  He raised a brow at that. She huffed and backed up, shaking her hand out.  It was the only outward sign of her pain she gave off. 

“What did the pillar do to you?”

She glared at him.  He raised a hand as though to defend against her look.  She rolled her eyes and turned back around. “I’m practicing punching.” 

“Bullshit.” He called out.  She whipped around.

“Excuse me?” 

“I said, bullshit.  You’re upset. You  _ have _ been since this morning.” He sighed, capping the water bottle.  “Do you not wish your sister to return to the Normandy vessel?”

“...ship, Cullen.  It’s called a ship.” She looked way, clenching and unclenching her fists.  “I...it’s her ship. She can come back to it whenever she wants.”

“You’re deflecting the question, Shaw.”

“What the fuck do you want from me?” She snarled, turning back.  “Some heartfelt confession as to why I’m pissed? Some cooked up story on why I’m angry at her?”

“If that’s what you want to say.” He shrugged at her.  “But if we are to continue baking in this sunlight, I would like to know a decent reason why.”

Shaw made a sound of frustration before she turned back around to the pillar.  She was quiet for a long time. He was about to give up and just head back without her.

“I’m alive because of her.”

Cullen settled back, cocking his head to the side.  “Is that such a bad thing?”

“I  _ wanted _ to die out there.”

He had to strain to hear her.  But he  _ did _ hear her.  He closed his eyes as he realized what she was really saying.  “You’re angry at her because you feel she denied you the death you wanted.”

Shaw nodded.  “I was right there.  The Reaper beam was about to shoot us.  Jay was already dead in my hands. What else was there?  I was ready to die. I  _ wanted _ to go with him.  And then...the wave came.  The Reaper died instead. It robbed me of my heart and then once again robbed me of the death I  _ deserved _ .  And now...now I have to face her and pretend I’m okay.  Pretend I’m not angry. Pretend I’m not…” 

“Broken.” He sighed, opening his eyes.  

“Yes…”  She turned and looked at him again.  Her bright eyes were open in such honesty.  He stood up, walking up to her. 

“You know she didn’t do anything to you on purpose.”

Shaw closed her eyes, her lips quivering.  “I  _ know _ that.”

“She would have saved you even if she knew your last wishes.”

“... _ I know _ …”

“She’s your sister, Shaw.  She loves you. Maker knows I’d give  _ anything _ to see Mia or Rosie again.  To hold my nephew I  _ never _ got to meet.  To clap my brother on the shoulder once more.”

Shaw opened her tear filled eyes.  “I’m such a fucking asshole. Here I am, bitching about my sister while you…”

“Hey.” Cullen grabbed her hand.  “You are as responsible for my family’s loss as I am for your lover’s.  Come on. I’m hungry and you need a shower.”

Her face changed at that.  She glared up at him then without  _ too _ much anger.  “Are you saying I smell bad?”

“No.  I’m merely implying it.” He smirked down at her.  Shaw shoved him away playfully and turned to march toward the Normandy.

Cullen felt something bubble up from his chest.  He laid his hand over his chest as he felt the feeling almost break free of him.  Was that...a laugh? He shook his head and started after the red-haired spitfire head of him.

…..

Shaw scrubbed herself clean.  She really wanted to take the bar of soap and chuck it at a certain blonde haired man’s head right then.   _ Implying _ she smelled bad.  She huffed to herself and shut the shower off, toweling off.  She tucked the towel around herself and leaned on the counter, staring at her foggy reflection.  She wiped the condensation off, leaving streaks behind. She frowned at the woman looking back at her.  She’d lost weight. Not that losing weight was a bad thing, but she had already lost weight before the war.  Stress. She looked at the ring dangling from a leather cord she’d fastened. The diamond glittered in the poor lighting.  She closed her eyes, and grabbed it.

_ “Hey there, beautiful.” _

_ Shaw smiled as two arms slipped around her from behind.  The beach beyond their little balcony was sparkling. There were lots of people mulling about along the pale sands.  As far as shore leave went, this was how to do it. She leaned back and spotted a figure that stood out from the rest.  It was an old woman just standing there, watching the others pass by. _

_ “That’s kind of sad, don’t you think?” She mused, pointing to the woman.  “Being alone out there, watching everyone pass you by…” _

_ “Hm.   _ Or _ , she’s absorbing in the details of a place she loved.  Maybe where her husband proposed? Or where her kids played in the same waves?  Or maybe even just enjoying seeing young families play together?” Jay spoke as he rocked them subtly back and forth.   _

_ “Optimist.” She smirked over her shoulder. _

_ He grinned back.  “Pessimist.” _

_ “Realist.” She grinned at him.  He slipped around her and backed her up toward the hotel bed.   _

_ “Then let’s get real…” His voice dropped as he sealed his lips on hers.  She moaned and wrapped her arms around him. He pushed her back until she sat.  He pulled back then. She frowned at him, leaning toward him but he knelt down. His hands moved a little blue box out and opened it up.  Shaw’s eyes went wide, flying from the ring up to his face. “Be my wife?” _

_ “...s-seriously?” _

_ “Dead serious.” _

_ “...yes!” She shrieked in joy, lunging at him.  They both hit the floor hard, giggling and laughing as she put the ring on and kissed him repeatedly.   _

Shaw shook her head, dispelling the memory.  She dropped the ring and turned on the cold water.  She splashed her face with the icy cold liquid. Her tears swirled away with the water.  She looked back up and glared at the miserable redhead looking back. To keep herself from putting her fist through the mirror, she turned away sharply and yanked her clothing on roughly.  She threw the towel in the laundry shoot and left the women’s bathroom. 

“Lieutenant Shaw, Commander Shepard is aboard and asking for your presence on the command deck, the conference room specifically.” Joker pinged her from the comms.  She paused and fought the urge to sigh. 

“Be right up.” She replied and turned to the elevator.  She rode it up and stepped out. The CIC opened up before her and she turned a sharp right.  Walking into the security checkpoint, she stood still as the thing scanned her repeatedly. The private facing her nodded her through.  She walked through the second door and saw a decent sized group gathered in the conference room. She stepped in and spotted Cullen standing in a back corner.  He looked a bit relieved upon seeing her arrive. 

“Shaw.” Jane spoke up as she stepped fully into the room.  

“Commander Shepard.” Shaw returned.  Jane gave her an odd look. 

Seeming to pick up on the formality Shaw was laying down, Jane turned back to the people gathered.  “Lieutenant, you joined us just in time. You’ve met Major Ashley Williams, Doctor Liara T’Soni, Admiral Tali’Zorah vas--”

“Normandy.” Tali interjected with an amused tone.

Jane smirked back.  “Normandy. General Garrus Vakarian, and Lieutenant James Vega.”

Shaw nodded, “we all met back at your room.  Not very long for some of us.” She stood with her hands behind her back at attention.  

Jane turned to look at Cullen.  “I was informed there was an Alliance Commander aboard that went MIA during the Reaper War.  Glad you made it, Commander. I’m sure Admiral Hackett will be pleased to know another one of our men made it.”

Cullen inclined his head, clearly unsure of what to say.  Liara, bless her tentacled head, stepped in. 

“Unfortunately, he’s dealing with some amnesia, Shepard.”

Jane looked at him.  “I’m sorry to hear that, Commander.  Well, until further orders are issued, you’re welcome to stay aboard my ship.  Right now, I think the Alliance is just running ragged, trying to figure out where to go from now.”

“Thank you, Commander Shepard.” Cullen spoke, keeping his tone respectful.  

Jane leaned on the table.  “I have a guess what we’ll be asked to do next.  I’m going to give everyone the option to walk away from it now.  But if I’m being honest, it’s probably going to be one of the least exciting tasks we’ve been dealt before.”

“Aw, come on, Shepard.” Garrus drawled, “nothing is easy when you’re around.  What should be simple will definitely be complicated.”

“Agreed.” Liara sighed.

Tali nodded, “never, ever easy.”

“Tell me about it.” Ashley grumbled.

Vega grinned, “I’m down, Lola.”

Jane glared at them all.  “It is  _ not _ always complicated!”

“Uh, yes.  Yes it is.” Garrus argued.

“It  _ is not! _ ” Jane blurted back. 

“So what is this not complicated, but most assuredly going to be complicated, task you’re speaking of?” Liara asked.

Jane huffed, rolling her eyes.  “Oh ye of little faith,” she grumped, “I’m guessing we’ll be sent to assess the relays.  With our particular set of skills and our rate of success given the circumstances...we’re probably the best equipped team to handle this.  Not to mention, the Normandy is still the fastest vessel in Alliance and Council space. We may be blindly going through space between solar systems.”

“And  _ that’s _ not complicated?” Ashley asked, shaking her head.  “Basically, we’d be going out into blind space with  _ no _ idea if we’ll even have a fuel depot further out or even a supply dock?”

“...compared to fighting Reapers?” Jane asked, looking at her pointedly.  “No, it’s not ideal. But let’s be blunt here. Who  _ else _ could do this?  And what if there are other vessels out there?”

“How far out was the Normandy before it returned to Earth?” Shaw piped up, frowning at the table.  

“At least a month of flying.” Joker supplied from the comm system.  

“So?” Ashley stared over.  “That’s one month opposed to who knows how long?”

“If we make it from the first relay to the second, it could theoretically  _ take _ under two weeks, maybe three.  Then on the other side, as long as we are diligent, we can assess the damages there.   _ If _ there remains any fueling depots or supply stations left...we could then move to the next.”

“And what happens when we find the one,  _ theoretically _ , that  _ doesn’t _ have those things?” Ashley said, gesturing with her right hand.

“Perhaps I misheard, but didn’t Commander Shepard preemptively start this conversation with the preface of this being optional?” Cullen cut in, looking pointedly at Ashley.  “If it is such a hardship or difficult decision to make, then simply turn it down and walk away.”

Ashley bristled visibly.  Jane, however, cut in before Ashley could speak.  “Ash, if you’re not comfortable with this, I  _ won’t _ ask you to go.  You, of all people, have the most reason to walk away.  You’re a council spectre. You could probably get your own ship and crew and stay here to help out Earth and whoever else is in need.”

Ashley sighed, crossing her arms.  “Look, I’ve been with you since Eden Prime, Shep.  I’m not walking away now. I’m just trying to point out the ways this could go wrong.  And let’s be fair,  _ it’s going to go wrong. _ ”

“This is all speculation still.” Garrus pointed out.  “But, Shepard has a point. We’re the best team to do this.  We have the only crew in the galaxy with interests that line up with just about every race.  That’s not going to be overlooked.”

“I’m not saying it  _ can’t _ go wrong.” Jane stood up straight.  “Hell knows we’ve seen enough things go  _ wrong _ .  But, I’m planning to agree if asked to do this.  I can’t sit back and watch the galaxy try to pick itself back up without  _ doing _ something.  In the meantime, while the other races attempt to make their journeys back home, we can at least try to find a way to maybe fix the relays.  Who knows? Maybe we’ll figure it out.”

“Well, we  _ did _ figure out about the Reapers in the first place.” Tali added.  “Who is to say we cannot figure out these relays too?”

“Who else can hear this exploding in our faces?” Garrus made a face.

Jane tossed him a bemused look.  

“When are you planning to contact Hackett?” Shaw asked, looking at Jane.

“Tomorrow.  I think the galaxy can wait a day before it needs us.”

“Spoken like a true hero, Lola.” Vega chuckled.  

“Dismissed everyone.  Except you, Lieutenant Shepard.”

Shaw stepped back and let everyone shuffle out.  Cullen flashed her a quick concerned look as he passed.  She nodded she was okay just enough for him to catch it. He returned it and stepped out, walking away with the others.  Shaw knew it didn’t go unnoticed by Jane. Jane, in fact, watched both of them with a very critical eye. Not to mention a hefty dose of disappointment.

“Care to explain, Shaw?” Jane crossed her arms in  _ that _ stance.  The ‘don’t-bullshit-me-kid’ stance.  

“Explain  _ what _ , Jane?” Shaw asked, tiredly as she walked over to the table and leaned her right hip on it facing her sister.

“Did you forget about your fiance, Jay, overnight?  Who  _ is _ this guy?  And where  _ is _ Jay?  Does he know you’re  _ bunking _ with another man?”

Shaw tried, very hard, not to visibly flinch.  But she failed. Epically. She recoiled as though Jane had slapped her.  “Jay is  _ dead _ , Jane.”

Jane paled and dropped her arms.  “Shawny…”

“Oh, don’t play the pity card on  _ me _ , Jane!” Shaw snapped, pushing off the table and facing off with her sister.  “Don’t  _ even start _ !”

“Shaw--”

“No!” Shaw slammed her fist on the table.  “ _ You _ don’t understand!  How  _ could _ you?!  Jay was shot by a marauder, then biotically slammed into rebar by a banshee!   _ I  _ had to pull him down!  I tried to pump my own armor’s medi-gel into him but it...it wasn’t enough!  He died! Right there! And then the reaper _ right there _ was powering up to shoot us!  And you know what, Jane!? I  _ wanted it to!  I wanted to be with Jay!”   _ Shaw gulped in shuddering lungfuls of air as she continued.  Like a floodgate opening and she just couldn’t stop it from overflowing.  “I  _ wanted  _ to die!  And you know what happened?!  Right as I accepted it, my defeat on the battlefield, a  _ soldier’s death _ , the Crucible fired!  That death, that path, that desire...was ripped from me!  I couldn’t just eat a bullet either! That would’ve been a dishonor to Jay.  The only death I could have taken gladly was  _ taken from me!” _

Jane stood watching Shaw with an expression of anguish.  She stepped forward and punched Shaw. Shaw staggered and grabbed her jaw.  She looked up in shock at her sister. Jane glared at her with tears in her eyes.  

“Jay...wouldn’t have wanted that.   _ You _ know that.  Blame me all you want, Shawny.  But if given the choice...I’d do it all over again.  Especially knowing that.”

Shaw cast her eyes down in shame.  “I...know. I don’t  _ want _ to blame you.  I’m  _ trying _ not to.”

“This hasn’t been a damn cake-walk for me, kid.”

“No shit.” Shaw looked up. 

“...I won’t apologize for saving your ass.  But...I  _ am _ sorry you lost Jay.”

“There’s...we’re just friends, Jane.  Cullen and I. He’s lost...everyone. Literally everyone he loved is gone.”

Jane sighed, nodding slowly.  “I’m in no position to judge you either way.  I know that. But I can’t just stop being your older sister.”

“I never asked you to stop being my older sister.  I just ask that you let me be a grown ass woman too.”

“You know that’s hard for me.” Jane smirked at her, stepping closer to give her a one armed hug.  “I’m sorry about Jay. I know you two had been close since kids.”

Shaw rested her head on Jane’s shoulder.  She awkwardly hugged her sister back. The Shepard girls had never been known for being the touchy-feely kind.  And it showed in their strange side-hugs. But nonetheless, Shaw was grateful that her sister was there right then.  After a bit, they parted. Shaw made her way back down to the crew deck and turned right, heading to the port-side rec room.  She rummaged around the booze cabinet until she found a bottle of good old Scottish Whiskey. She snagged a glass and made her way to the game table.  She poured herself a glass and sipped at it while she perused the selection of tabletop games that were available. She settled on simple chess and set it up.  Playing chess against herself was stupid, she knew that. But she didn’t care right then. She propped an elbow on the table to rest her head on that upturned hand.  Between lifting her whiskey and moving a piece, her right hand did all the moving. She crossed her legs, leaning to the left. 

The doors hissed open as she poured herself a second glass.  She looked up as Cullen spotted her. 

“There you are.  I was beginning to worry that you’d been, what’s that term called…?  Space-ended?”

“Spaced.  Shot into space.”

“That, yes.” He paused.  “Is...is that chess?”

“Yes it is.  Wait, how do you know that?”

“We have chess in Thedas.  In fact, it’s one of the few pastimes I had.  May I?”

She swept her right hand out over the board.  “Go for it, Commander.”

Cullen slid into the seat across from her and reset the board.  “How did it go?”

“She questioned why we were sharing a room...reminding me about Jay.”

“...I... _ had _ wondered when that would come up.” He sighed, moving his first piece.  Shaw stared at the board to analyze her next move. He hummed, “I apologize.  It is partly my own faulting that you were in such an awkward situation.”

“Don’t worry about it.  We’re both grown adults.  She knows that.”

“Yes, but strange men in a sister’s quarters would raise questions for any elder sibling.”

Shaw flashed him a look before shrugging.  “It’s none of her damn business.”

“It  _ is _ her ship.”

“...okay, so maybe it’s very minimally her business.” 

“Mm.” Cullen nodded, watching as Shaw moved a piece.  He studied the board and moved his next piece. They sat there, moving a piece every several minutes.  The time passed by without seeming to affect either. Shaw got up and retrieved a glass for him at some point.  She reached over and refilled his glass as he stared at the board over his knit fingers. He barely glanced at the newly filled glass.  He smirked and sat back with a smug look. Moving a piece, he pinned her with a look. “Check.”

Shaw squinted her eyes at the board and saw it then.  She swore softly under her breath and set her glass down.  Tapping her fingers on the table, she scanned for a way out of the check.  Yet, every move she could see would simply put her back into check, prolonging the inevitable.  She took her king and laid him down.

“I concede.”

“Well, that’s a first.” He said with the tiniest chuckle. 

“Hey now...no need to rub it in.”

He put his hands up placatingly.  “I would ask for another game, but I believe we’ve both had a bit too much whiskey to properly focus.”

She snorted.  “You just don’t think you can beat me again.”

“...was that a challenge?”

“Do you think it was?”

“Prepare the board, Lieutenant.”

* * *


	8. Chapter 8

**A New Mission**

* * *

The flickering image of Admiral Hackett was the type of shock that Shaw hadn’t anticipated quickly enough for Cullen.  It had really only been a few days before the Alliance had called. Jane was about as surprised about it as an asari matriarch was surprised to see another year pass.  As it stood, Jane, Shaw, Ashley, and Cullen were the ones called in for a conference call. 

“Good to have you back, Commander Shepard.” Hackett’s hologram spoke.  

Shaw shot a look at Cullen who stood beside her at attention like she’d taught him was the Alliance way.  His jaw was tensed and his eyes almost imperceptibly widened. Those were the only outward signs of his surprise at the visual before them.  She had to give him credit, he was adapting to their world of technology quickly. 

“Good to be back, sir.” Jane replied with a smooth nod of her head.  “As you know, I have among my crew Spectre Major Williams. I’ve also picked up Lieutenant Shepard from the Special Communications Unit and Commander Rutherford.”

“I got your message.” Hackett turned his head to regard Cullen.  “Good to see you made it, Commander.”

Cullen nodded back.  “Just lucky, ser.”

Hackett didn’t seem to notice the very slight variation in speech.  He looked at Shaw next. “I heard about Colonel Matthews, Lieutenant.  My condolences. If it helps, the Matthews’ family made contact with us a week ago.  Which brings me back around to why I’m calling.” He looked back at Jane. 

Cullen eyed her and she could feel his question.  She swallowed thickly. Jay’s parents were alive? That was a bit of good news.  

“We’ve had contact with Omega these last two weeks.  They were hit hard by Reaper forces around their perimeter, but it is still intact and very much up and running.  A contact of yours, personally, Commander Shepard...sent us word. An Aria T’loak?”

Jane smirked.  “So, the Queen of Mercenaries is back home?  What is she asking for?”

“You.  Specifically.  There’s some talk about mapping out the downed relays and seeing which systems are completely lost and which ones may have survived.  This journey would help ease some minds of the upper brass. If the Normandy can get to Omega, then there is hope of other systems and the various species who aided us on Earth to get home as well.”

Jane managed to stay very straight faced.  “You want us to go out there and inspect the relays and systems as well.  Omega’s not exactly close…”

“No.  That’s why we will be equipping Normandy with a secondary fuel tank reserve.  I’m right to assume your crew can properly adjust the Normandy’s systems to accommodate such a change?”

“I do.  The best the galaxy has to offer.”

“Good to hear.” Hackett nodded to Cullen.  “Given Commander Rutherford’s Special Tactics background in his file, we’ll be assigning him to your crew for the time being.  It’s been noted that his background in field strategy will be highly useful should you face some unknown opposition out there. Commander Rutherford, you hold the same rank as Commander Shepard.  However, she holds Spectre status as well. Can you defer to her judgment?”

“Are you asking if I can follow orders, ser?” Cullen asked smoothly.

Hackett’s hologram damn near smirked.  “Semantics, Commander. Will this be an issue?”

“As long as my orders are not directly in opposition to my personal moral code, no.  I can defer to the Commander’s judgment under those circumstances.”

Hackett looked at Jane.  “Will this suffice, Commander Shepard?”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.” Jane agreed.  

“Then that is settled.  Major Williams, we would ask that you return to headquarters so that we can get you assigned to a task management crew on Earth.”

“Wait...what?  With all due respect, sir, why?” Ashley frowned back.

“As the only two human Spectres we currently have, it wouldn’t due to send both off into the unknown.  Especially should something go...wrong.”

“So sending Shepard off is  _ okay _ ?  Because she’s already died once and damn near twice?” Ashley snapped back.

Hackett raised his brow at her tone.  Jane however stepped in. “Ash, go. He’s right and you know it.  Risking both of humanity’s Spectres with such vague parameters isn’t wise.  I’m willing to do this. You don’t have to. I  _ want _ you to stay.  You’re the only one I trust to handle things on Earth.  And keep me informed on the  _ real _ situation.”

Ashley frowned but sighed, hanging her head and clenching her fist.  “Yes, ma’am. Yes, sir.”

“Was there anything else, sir?” Jane turned to Hackett.

“No.  Godspeed, Shepard.  And on behalf of the galaxy...thank you.  Hackett, out.” Hackett’s image fizzled out.  

Ashley growled and stormed from the room.  Jane sighed, lifting her right hand to tiredly rub her brow.  Shaw noticed her left hand’s fingers twitching oddly. 

“You should take a minute to rest.”

Jane looked up at her.  “I’m fine.”

Shaw gave her a loaded look.  “Yeah, because your left hand is supposed to act like that.”

Jane moved her left hand behind her back as if that would hide it.  “Just shut up and walk, soldier.”

Shaw rolled her eyes, turning and nodding at Cullen.  He stood there after she passed. She crossed the war room area, the conference room, and went back through security.  She didn’t breathe until she was in her makeshift room. Sinking to her bunk, she dropped her face into her hands. She took several deep breaths before she dropped her hands and searched for the dog-tags she’d kept tucked in her boot.  She pulled out the dog-tags and ran her fingers over the name. 

_ Jay Asreth Matthews _

“Shit.” She lifted her eyes to stare out at the docking station.  She both could and couldn’t wait to see stars flying past that same window.  Then she wouldn’t have to shutter the windows at night. It wouldn’t matter. Not like the personal mission she now faced.  Telling her once-upon-a-time future in-laws that Jay was gone. 

…..

Cullen waited until Shaw had left.  Jane watched him expectantly. He turned to face her at that point.  “I am assuming this family of Matthews are Jay’s own?”

“Yes.”

Cullen frowned.  “Are you certain this is...wise for her to do?”

“What do you mean?”

“Facing the people whose son did not make it...the  _ guilt _ of being the survivor?  It is...difficult to handle.  No matter how seasoned a soldier is.”

Jane eyed him speculatively.  “You sound like you’ve handled such things before.”

He nodded, looking to the side.  “I have. It  _ never _ goes the way one hopes.  The  _ best _ she can hope for is that they simply break down into their sorrow before her.  But, they may place false blame on her shoulders. I don’t know about you, but I’m not certain she can handle that.”

Jane sighed then, a tired sound.  She put her hands on her hips. “No, I don’t think she can.  Is this coming from the place of a concerned friend...or more?”

Cullen’s gaze snapped back to hers.  He couldn’t cover his surprise then. “A concerned friend.  And as a person who has faced this as well. Multiple times.”

“I’ll see if I can talk her out of it.  Or, more likely, to take someone with her when she does face them.  Thank you, Rutherford.”

“Of course, Shepard.” Cullen bowed his head in respect before mentally cursing himself.  He saluted her instead as Shaw had also taught him. 

Jane snorted.  “You don’t have to salute me, Rutherford.  We’re the same rank. Spectre just changes my class.”

“I’ll remember that from now on.  Until later, Shepard.”

He turned and left that area of the ship.  The security officers both whispered to each other about him, thinking he couldn’t hear them.  He ignored them, however. His feet took him down to the crew deck. He spotted Liara making tea in the mess hall.  He hesitated. He could really use a cup of tea to clear his head. He eyed his shared room where Shaw was undoubtedly hiding.  Deciding to give her space, he moved over toward the asari. 

“Would it be terribly rude of me to ask for a cup?”

Liara turned and smiled warmly.  “Absolutely not. I was about to take a cup to Dr. Chakwas as well, so I have plenty to share.”

“Thank you, Liara.” Cullen moved to lean on the kitchen counter as she continued her task.  

“What is it you need to ask me about?”  Liara asked with a knowing tone.

Cullen chuckled.  “Am I just that obvious lately?”

“No, but I have an eye for things.  Is it the special tactics your file holds?”

“...you listened in?”

“My business is to know things, Commander.”

“Special tactics where I’m from are generally spy work.  Some teams that scout ahead and report back.”

Liara turned, holding a mug to him.  She gestured for him to follow. He took the mug and took the second one for Chakwas.  They walked to the infirmary. Chakwas looked up with a large smile at the sight of the tea.  She took it from Cullen with a soft thank you. Liara tapped away on a console and then turned to them.  

“Special tactics in this galaxy, and for most species, are just about the same.  For humans, it is usually spies, yes. But mostly information specialist. Generally, special tactics are often looped up into the black ops group as well.”

“Black ops?” Cullen inquired, sitting on an examination bed.  

This is where Chakwas cut in.  “Groups that specialize in the secret political assignments.  Everything from getting information to assassinations. And yes, before you ask, your  _ former life _ was indeed involved in both aspects of the special tactics units.  He specialized in getting in and out of highly volatile areas unseen.”  She sipped her tea watching Cullen. 

“...so I’m a spy.” He laughed with no humor.  “Leliana would have bloody hay-day over that knowledge.”

Liara sat in the seat across Chakwas.  “It  _ does _ give credibility to your...well, lack of other background information.  Special ops and black ops tend to have limited background information out where anyone can hack into it.”

“What kind of information should I know then?”

“Lucky you, having amnesia.” Chakwas smirked at him.  “Nothing from your years before the Reaper war.”

Cullen made a relieved grunt at that.  “So, battlefield strategy? That...I actually  _ can _ do.”

“You’ll be fine, Commander.” Liara gave him a reassuring look.  “You’re highly adaptive. As a survivor, you know how to mould yourself to your surroundings and interconnect as well.”

“Why have neither of you informed Shepard of my...predicament?”

Liara and Chakwas shared a look.  “Some things are really better to be kept in the dark until the right moment.”  Chakwas answered. “Shepard is a woman of action. If she sees what you are capable of, she’ll respect you better.  Once she sees your mettle, she gauges her opinions off of that.”

“Shepard is understanding enough given the right circumstances.  Right now, with so much stress, and the title of ‘hero’ shoved upon her shoulders rather unwantedly, it is  _ not _ the time.” Liara swirled her tea thoughtfully.  

“Why does she seem opposed to being a hero?”

“She warned everyone about the Reapers for years.  She first discovered they were coming and no one listened.  In fact, they all but openly shunned her. Until they really did show up.  And started to destroy the galaxy. Only  _ then _ did everyone start listening.” Liara sighed and frowned.

“Isn’t that how it always goes?” Cullen asked, bitterness in his tone.  “I’m ashamed to say I was one of the idiots like that once as well. I didn’t listen to Hawke when I should have...but that was another lifetime.” He shook his head to rid himself of his sudden swell of emotion.  “Thank you. You are both aiding me without cause. I will not forget this.”

“See?  This is why I adore him.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Shepard too...but at least  _ this _ Commander is a real gentleman.” Chakwas smiled at Liara before winking at Cullen.

Cullen felt his cheeks color and decided it was best to take his leave now.  Liara laughed and bid him goodbye. He returned the shared space and found Shaw gone.  He shrugged it off. She’d return when ready. He picked up the data pad she’d found for him and showed him how to use.  He sat down, kicking his boots up onto the small table before him as he settled into reading the various bits of information he’d found thus far.  He was in the middle of an intriguing historical telling of an incredibly epic battle among the turians when Shaw came in. She was toweling her hair dry and flopped dramatically upon her bunk.  

He looked over at her before returning to the story.  If she wanted to talk, she’d talk. He moved the page farther along.  He read a piece that had him making an impressed sound. 

“What?” Shaw asked, not looking at him.

“This turian general, Adamus, he ordered his men to circle the enemy on the field of battle while he strode out to face them.  While his men closed in with their long range rifles trained on the enemy forces, he negotiated a cessation of hostilities. The other forces laughed it off and moved in to kill him.  He took down three single handedly before his men finished off the rest. The size of the pair on that general…” Cullen mused aloud before realizing what he’d said in the company of a lady.  His face went hot with his blush.

Shaw, however, giggled.  “Well, I suppose you could ask Garrus if their balls are generally large or small compared to humans…”

“What--!?  NO!” Cullen grimaced at the idea.  “That’s a  _ terrible _ idea.  For  _ very many  _ reasons!”

“Did the story tell you who Adamus faced?”

“Hm?  Oh...I believe a mercenary group?”

“Led by a krogan battlemaster and a nasty pack of vorcha.” 

Cullen stared back down at the story and felt his opinion of the general raise further.  “He took out their leader first...from what I’ve read, these battlemasters are very strong and very hard to kill.”

“ _ Very _ .  The stories only tell part of the truth.  They are facing an entire platoon of battle hardened men in armor...in one  _ huge _ tank of a beast.”

“Have you fought many?”

“...one.” Her voice fell quiet.  “And I have the scars to remember it by.”

“Oh?” Should he ask?  She seemed...sobered if he was to go by the sudden change in her tone.

“It...was a stupid night full of stupid mistakes.” She seemed to be done speaking.  He wanted to ask further but chose not to push any further. Just as he picked up his data pad, she spoke again.  “I went out seeking a fight and got the fight of my life.”

He couldn’t leave it there.  “Why?”

“...I was pissed.” She waved her hand above her as though to bat the talk aside.  “Jane’s killed like...fifty to a hundred of them. She’s got some serious skills on the battlefield.  She’s the soldier.”

“If your training is to say anything, then you cannot be too terrible a soldier.”

“Eh.  I’m decent.  I can keep myself alive.  I prefer to use tech to really fuck up my opponents.  Do most of the work for me, you know? Then it’s just a couple shots from my gun to finish it up nicely.”

“I should like to see that.” 

“You just might, Cul.  You just might.” She huffed as she rolled over.  He took that as the signal the conversation was officially over.  However, he was left feeling strangely happy by the stupid nickname.  He turned back to his reading as she activated the shudders on the window.  

* * *

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Oddly Placed Luck**

Shaw was too busy helping with the tech end of things with the extra fuel tank being added.  It was busy work, but it kept her occupied. Out of all of her work between engineering and the main battery, Shaw came to a conclusion.  She really liked Jane’s crew. Garrus was sarcastic and witty. Tali was an adorable nerd that Shaw could understand and also sarcastic. Liara was sweet but she was not to be underestimated.  She was cunning as hell. Vega was a muscle man with bad jokes and far too much like a human krogan. Joker, she already knew, so that was helpful. Chakwas was a very perceptive woman. The only crew member Shaw wasn’t sure about was leaving that day.  Major Williams was a bit hard to be around for Shaw.

 

Shaw finished up a patch into the electronics panel.  Tali stood off further into the engineering bay. She slid the panel back into place and rolled out from under the console controls.  “So, you heading up soon to bid Williams goodbye?”

 

Tali turned to regard her.  “No. She and I aren’t...the friendliest.”

 

“No?  How come?”

 

“...erm...well...she is a good soldier.  But she tends to think more about, well, species than others…”

 

Shaw’s mouth formed an ‘o’.  “She’s a bit of a xenophobe?”

 

“...yes…”

 

“I see.  Well, that’s too damn bad.  She’s missing out on some pretty cool people if she’s only going to look skin deep.” Shaw shrugged.  

 

Tali made a soft sound of amusement.  “You know, the more you’re around, the more I see how you and Shepard are related.”

 

“Except  _ I _ can dance.”

 

Tali burst into giggles.  “Keelah! She can’t dance to save her life!” 

 

Shaw giggled with her.  “Oh, she’s tried around you?  It’s  _ so bad _ .”

 

“I  _ know _ !” Tali mimicked it.  “What  _ is  _ it that she does with her arms?”

 

_ “You know I can hear you two talking about me down there, right?”  _ Jane’s annoyed voice came over Tali’s omnitool comm-link.  

 

Tali chuckled, “good!”

 

_ “Uh-huh.  Well, I’m going to see Ash off.  Will you two be done making fun of me and actually done working down there when I get back?” _

 

“Who the hell do you think you’re talking to?  We’ve been  _ done _ for hours.  We’re just making sure it’s all finessed and refined for take-off.” Shaw defended.  

 

Tali nodded her head at Shaw’s statement even if Jane couldn’t see it.  “You know how quarians work, Shepard.”

 

_ “That’s what I like to hear.  Shepard out.” _

 

Sharing a look, both took the moment to imitate a dancing Jane Shepard before dissolving into laughter again.  

 

…..

 

Cullen wasn’t sure what to make of this procedural run.  He stood to the right side of what he’d learned was called the CIC.  Hands clasped behind his back, he waited for whatever was coming. The busy weeks of work preparing the ship had been some of the most daunting he’d had.  He felt utterly useless until he’d been taught a few basics by the turian, Garrus. He had to admit, learning basic algorithms was refreshing. It wasn’t  _ that _ different from his home.  Number wise, at least. Add to the fact Cullen was an incredibly fast learner…?  He was pleased to get more information from the other male. It helped that Garrus easily let him hang around.  They talked often and Cullen could admit to feeling a bit of camaraderie with the alien. It amused him to no end when Garrus began to talk about his mate, Shepard.  There was always a hint of exasperated longing in the male’s voice. The banter the two shared through comms also was endless comedy. 

 

Garrus came up to the command deck and nodded to Cullen, standing there as well but definitely not at attention.  

 

“Rutherford.”

 

“Vakarian.” 

 

Jane strode in, rolling her eyes.  “Ugh...everyone ready to do the galaxy another favor?”

 

“Aw, and here I thought killing the Reapers  _ was _ the best favor we could give them.” Garrus drawled, sighing dramatically.

 

“Apparently not.” Jane stepped into the CIC.  “Joker.”

 

“Coordinates to Omega locked and loaded.  Ready when you are Commander.”

 

Jane took a deep breath, looking around at the crew on the command deck.  “Last chance to walk away.”

 

“No way, Lola.” Vega grinned back, crossing his huge arms on his chest.  

 

“I didn’t take the title ‘vas Normandy’ lightly, Shepard.” Tali looked at Jane.

 

“You should already know the answer, Shepard.” Liara smiled.

 

“I go where you do.” Garrus spoke seriously.  

 

Jane looked at Shaw who stared back just as intently.  “All right then. Joker, let’s go.”

 

“You got it, boss.” 

 

Cullen felt the hum of the engines firing up.  Joker spoke several things as the ship began to move, but Cullen really couldn’t focus on any of them.  He was too busy finding out how strange it was to be in a ship that literally defied gravity. He forced himself into a calm and knew that this was just part of the new life he was living.  At least  _ some _ of his templar training could come in handy here.  

 

“Are we all ready for the first jump?” Joker asked from the cockpit.

 

Jane released a slow breath.  “Punch it, Joker.”

 

The only response came from the sudden jolting motion.  It seemed slight to everyone but Cullen. He literally stumbled a step and grabbed the wall.  Garrus looked sideways at him.

 

“You okay there, Rutherford?”

 

“Uh...yes. Just…”

 

“He’s been a ground operative for a long time.” Shaw interjected.

 

Cullen nodded and righted himself.  “A long time.” He tried not to feel the sting of embarrassment.  Jane turned and faced her crew. 

 

“Step one in the long haul.  As of now, we are mission bound.  Once we reach Omega, I’ll be meeting with Aria T’Loak for more information.  In the meantime...let’s make sure Normandy continues flying without hiccup. Water rationing begins now.  No longer than ten minute showers. Are we all clear on that?”

 

Sounds of acknowledgment came from all around.  Jane dismissed them and they all went their own ways.  Cullen sidled up alongside Shaw. 

 

“Thank you.” He murmured to her.  She nodded at him.

 

“No worries.  Got your six, Cul.”

 

“My what?”

 

“Your six.  Your back.” She smirked and waved her hand.  “I’ll explain better later.”

 

“Ah.  Right.  Odd terms again.” He pressed his back to the wall of the elevator as Tali, Liara, and Vega slid in too.  Shaw stood so that her back was to him and she leaned to the left side wall. 

 

“So…” Vega looked over at Cullen.  “First time aboard a ship in a long time, eh?”

 

“Yes…” Cullen had hoped it would just be dropped.

 

“Aw, don’t worry ‘bout it, kimosabi!  We all never expect the first jump.”

 

Cullen cleared his throat.  “Thank you…?”

 

“Don’t mention it!” 

 

Clearly, Cullen wouldn’t.  Ever again. 

 

…..

 

“You’re getting better.”

 

Shaw flicked her gaze up at Cullen.  She considered her next move carefully.  “You can’t win  _ all _ the time.”

 

Cullen’s smug smirk said it all.  He didn’t believe it for a second.  She fought the urge to roll her eyes.  She tapped her nails on the table before she spotted her move.  She moved the piece. She sat back, a smirk on her face. Until she saw that damnable twinkle he got when she did  _ exactly _ what he was guiding her to do.  He moved his piece.

 

“Check.”

 

“Fuck!” She spat, shaking her head.  “How the hell--”

 

The doors hissed open and both Jane and Garrus walked in.  Jane paused, seeing them already there. 

 

“Chess?”

 

“Yes.  And he’s too damned good for his own good.” Shaw huffed sitting back.

 

Garrus snickered.  “You still talking about chess?”

 

Cullen chortled softly.  Shaw picked up a pawn and chucked it at the turian.  Garrus caught it with a laugh. Jane elbowed her mate gently.  

 

“Don’t be an ass.” Jane said but still wore a grin.  “You two up for a game of cards? I already pinged the others to come in.”

 

Shaw shrugged.  “Sure. At least cards I’m  _ good _ at.”

 

Jane snorted and walked over to the booze cabinet.  “Garrus, what’s your poison tonight?”

 

“Surprise me.”

 

Jane shot him a wicked grin.  The turian, if possible, paled.  She leaned on the counter, giving him a side view of her body.  “You sure about that?”

 

Garrus audibly gulped, “you know what?  I’ll just take a brandy.”

 

“Aw, are you feeling intimidated, Vakarian?”

 

“...you know  _ damn well _ what I’m feeling right now.” Garrus growled out much to Jane’s apparent amusement.  She straightened and started setting up glasses. 

 

Shaw rolled her eyes at her sister’s antics.  She stood up and started to pick up the chess board.  Cullen held his hand up and the pawn she’d thrown at Garrus flew across the room back to her partner’s hand.  He caught it and handed it to her. She flashed him a small smile and finished putting their game away as the others came in.  

 

“I’m just sayin’!  It’d be a  _ really _ big help for me!” Vega was speaking to Liara.  

 

Liara rolled her eyes.  “I am  _ not _ hitting you with a warp, Vega!”

 

“Come on, Blue!  It’d just be a small one!  So I can really test my skills!”

 

“No.”

 

Shaw walked back over to the table as Jane walked up, handing her a glass of something blue.  Jane handed Cullen another one. He took a tentative sniff of it before he sipped it. He froze and stared into his glass with an odd look.  Shaw turned so that she was a kind of wall. She looked down at him. He looked up, the slightly haunted look in his eyes slowly bled away. 

 

“You okay?” She whispered to him.  

 

“Y-yes.  It just...reminded me of something I...left behind.” He frowned at the glass.  “Although I know this isn’t it, it  _ almost _ tastes the same…”

 

“It’s a type of mixed drink.  I think asari in nature. It’s alcohol, I promise.”

 

“I trust you.” He looked back up at her and she felt her heart stutter.  She could see the truth in his eyes. She nodded and slid to the side, removing her gaze from him so that she didn’t dwell too much further on  _ that _ .  She didn’t miss the way Cullen set the drink aside.  They all settled in for a game of poker. Just after a round or two, Cullen picked up on it quickly.  He looked amused and a bit apprehensive. As though waiting for something to happen. 

 

As with all things involving alcohol and cards, stories began to flow.  Laughter filled the rec room. Joker even piped in with many stories from the cockpit comm system.  Their evening dragged on and eventually they all decided to throw in the towel. As Shaw walked back to their shared quarters, Cullen chuckled behind her.  She turned to him as they stepped into their room. 

 

“What?”

 

“Oh, just...last time I played a game like that, I wound up naked and running through Skyhold back to my quarters.  I bet  _ far too much _ on a stupid idea that I could see through Josephine.” 

 

“Oh, that was fairly tame.  Strip poker is a thing too.”

 

Cullen rolled his eyes.  “I’ll sit that particular game out, thank you.”

 

Shaw laughed, sitting on her bed and unlacing her boots.  “I get the feeling Vega would be the one losing that game.”

 

Cullen snorted, sitting across the room on his own bed.  He started to unlace his boots only to stop. Shaw looked over at him.  He was staring out the window at the stars racing by. He looked...entranced.  She smiled and turned back to her task but took the moment to appreciate the stars as well.  

 

“Odd how beautiful something so cold and empty can be.”

 

“It’s not empty.” Cullen spoke, sounding far away.  “Every star out there is a sign of life somewhere. Hope elsewhere in the vast universe.”

 

Shaw glanced over at him.  “Cullen…” He turned to look at her then.  “If...if there was a way to get back to your world...would--”

 

“No.” Cullen frowned and sighed, looking down at his hands.  “There’s...nothing left. Nothing worth saving. Thedas is lost.  Forever. At least I can rest assured in some semblance of peace that...if what you told me and I’ve read into is true, the electromagnetic forces that surround the galaxy my planet is in will not allow anyone to enter.  Or leave. Corypheus may have his fucking world, but he won’t ever get to  _ leave _ .  In an odd way...it’s also his prison of sorts.”

 

Shaw rose and crossed the room to him.  She sat beside him and grabbed one of his hands.  “You may not be from this galaxy, but you deserve a fresh start more than anyone else.”

 

“You speak so confidently.” He stared down at her hand, covering it with his other.  “But you still don’t know everything about me. I’m starting to believe I’m cursed. Everywhere I go, disaster follows.”

 

“You survived.  Surviving, though it may suck sometimes, is a blessing.  Not a curse. I wouldn’t have met you or seen Jane live if I didn’t survive.  I lost Jay. And that will probably never stop hurting. But at least I gained a really good friend out of it all.”

 

Cullen looked back at her and smiled.  “I am lucky I met you, Shaw. Most others would have kicked my ass or killed me for grabbing them while naked and vulnerable.  By the way, I  _ am so sorry _ for my lack of propriety then.” He grimaced.

 

Shaw laughed and stood up, releasing his hand.  “You can make it up to me someday by making the naked dash of shame to the barracks after poker.”

 

Cullen’s face fell.  “Ha, ha. You’re hilarious.”

 

“I know!” Shaw snickered and crossed back to her side of the room.  They finished settling for the night. 

* * *

 

* * *

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Living the Lie**

_****_

* * *

Words and letters scrolled over the datapad screen.  Jane chewed a thumbnail thoughtfully as she paced while reading over the information.  She didn’t even look up as the door to her room opened and shut. She only paused as two arms circled her waist and one three-fingered hand took the datapad from her grasp.  She made a sound of protest, reaching for it. The feel of mouth plates against her neck made her decide the datapad could wait. She turned her head, exposing more of her neck to her mate.  Garrus hummed in approval, nipping lightly along the pale flesh. 

__

“I was reading that, you know?” She sighed, not even all that concerned about it anymore.  She was more focused on the sudden heat pooling lower in her belly.

__

“It can wait.” Garrus purred in that dual-toned voice that made her knees feel akin to jelly.  A weakness she’d never admit to. Out loud. She turned and grabbed his right shoulder beside his cowl and jumped up.  Garrus caught her thighs with practiced ease as her ankled locked behind him. Her mouth crushed against his mouth plates, their tongues fighting for dominance in a never ending duel between them.  Garrus carried her to the bed and crawled onto it. He dropped her onto the mattress while holding her legs in place. 

__

Jane grinned up at him, her eyes alight with desire.  Garrus growled at the sight and quickly set to work, stripping his mate.  Jane not only let him, she shed his armor piece by piece that she could reach.  She reluctantly released his waist as he pulled her lower garments free of her body.  She shifted to roll up onto her knees and began to nip and lightly bite his own throat.  The warm, leathery but soft flesh there was perfect for her to run her tongue over. Garrus groaned and moved with haste to finish disrobing.  He then pounced her. She laughed, falling back as he yanked her legs back up around his waist. Her laughter faded into long moans as his tongue dragged over her nipples, paying special attention to each one.  His blue eyes watching her closely. She couldn’t turn her gaze away from his. He held her enraptured. Her breathing was heavy. Garrus chuckled darkly before he sat back, trailing his clawed hand down over her body.  Jane arched into his touch. 

__

“So sensitive…” He mused, tweaking her left nipple.  Jane gasped and glared up at him.

__

“I can  _ feel _ your cock.  If it’s not inside of me by the count of three, Vakarian--”

__

Garrus laughed and shifted.  She was right though, his plates had already released his heavy length.  He surged into her with one long thrust. They both moaned loudly. Jane sighed in pleasure, her eyes fluttering shut.  He growled warningly at her.

__

“It’s been too damn long for you not to keep your eyes open, Jane.”

__

Her eyes slid open, hooded and a teasing smirk on her lips.  “You’re right, Garrus.”

__

He scoffed in good humor, “of course I’m right.   _I’m_ _always_ right.” 

__

She opened her mouth to retort as he pulled back and slid back into her.  She forgot what she was going to say. And she didn’t care. She pushed up onto her elbows and rolled her hips into his as he rocked into her.  Their pace quickly morphed into a frantic, hard rush. Sighs, growls, moans, grunts, and the sound of sex was all that was left in the room until Jane reached that peak for the first time.  She dropped back, arching her back and moaning his name out to echo in the room. Garrus slowed and moved them so that she had her left leg curled around his left side and her right pinned between his knees.  He pressed his left talon thumb against her nub before he began to surge inside of her again. Jane cursed loudly at the new angle and rush of ecstasy through her body. Her toes curled. She didn’t take long before she was there again, crying out Garrus’ name once more.  He was panting now, leaning over her and catching his breath. 

__

“What?  Done already, Vakarian?” She teased him, shifting so that she was facing the wall her bed was against.  She sent him a challenging look over her shoulders as she pushed to sit on her knees. 

__

Garrus hooked his arm around her waist, dragging her back against his harder chest.  “Really, Shepard? Going to test me  _ right now _ ?”

__

She licked her lips in anticipation.  He was growling. That  _ always _ ended really,  _ really _ well for her.  She wiggled her hips back against him, feeling his arousal pressing almost painfully into her lower back.  He snarled and lifted her with the arm around her, his other hand just barely aligning his tip with her drenched entrance before he speared her onto him.  She screamed out, throwing her head back into his cowl. He held her tightly to him as he fucked her hard. His movements were sharp and precise until he reached that precipice.  She  _ knew _ he was just about to explode inside of her by the way his hips began to mercilessly tenderize her muscles and that control he held onto was gone in the blink of an eye.  She grabbed the short bit of headboard for support and dropped her other hand down to flick, rub, and tease her clit. 

__

“ _ Jane _ .” It was only a low growl, hardly recognizable as her name and mostly hissing sounds.  But it was enough. She came hard, squeezing his member as he rocked a few more times before he stilled.  She knew the drill. She forced herself to be still as he flooded her with his release. She moaned long and low as his sharp teeth teased over her pulse point.  She didn’t feel fear. Quite the opposite. It turned her on. She felt his cock engorge briefly at the end, stretching her just  _ that tiny bit more _ , before he shot off the end of his load.  His member slowly softened and retracted back.  The drag of him through her dripping folds was always such a release in its own right.  She felt his groin plates shift back into place after his flaccid length had been fully retracted.  They both shifted and flopped onto their sides. She cradled back into his chest while his arms wrapped around her tightly.  

__

“I missed this.” Jane sighed, feeling her exhaustion coming on.  

__

“Me too.” He sounded just as tired.  “Hey, no sleep yet.”

__

“Mm...why not?”

__

“You have to wash off and let me put that chafe cream on.”

__

“I’ll do it tomorrow.”

__

“No...now.” Garrus pulled away, rolling to his feet.  She groaned and threw a pillow at him. He grunted and threw it right back.  She shoved it off and stood up. The sudden heat of their combined juices down her thighs made her snicker.  He looked at her with a raised brow plate. “What?”

__

She pointed to her thighs.  “Look what you do to me, Vakarian.”

__

His eyes sharpened as he purred at her.  “Am I supposed to feel ashamed by that? Because I  _ really _ don’t.”

__

Jane laughed and walked across her cabin.  Her gate was a bit off between the perpetual hitch in her right leg and then the fact she’d been thoroughly fucked.  She activated the shower and pulled him in with her. They washed each other quickly so as not to use too much water.  

__

“If we’re taking a shower together, does that mean we  _ technically _ get  _ twenty _ minutes?” Garrus asked, sliding his hands over her after they’d both rinsed off properly.  

__

“...mm...interesting thought.  But wouldn’t that be confused for preferential treatment and an abuse of power?”

__

“Anyone who thinks you  _ don’t _ have at least a  _ little _ preferential treatment for this bad-ass turian, they’re pretty damn stupid in my opinion.” 

__

Jane snorted and kissed his nose before turning off the shower.  “Doesn’t mean I have to push it. No matter how tempting.”

__

“Alright...I’ll drop it.   _ This _ time.” He laced their fingers together in that unique way that was just theirs and followed her back to bed.  He rummaged around the bedside drawer for the special cream they kept on hand since before the Collector base mission.  He made her open her legs. The pads of his fingers spread the thin, paste-like cream over the reddening areas on her milky flesh.  He recapped it and set it aside once more. They settled back as they had before. He pulled her into his arms and breathed freely. He always felt right when she was nestled against him.  

__

“Think we’ll ever get to retire?”

__

He grunted, “who the hell knows?   _ I’d _ sure as hell like to find somewhere warm, remote, and with  _ lots _ of space with  _ no one _ to over hear us.”

__

Jane smiled, running her fingers over his fringe.  She watched his eyes close. “How much do you want to bet Joker recorded us unknowingly?”

__

“What makes you think he  _ unknowingly _ recorded us?”

__

“...because if I ever find out he purposely does that...he knows I’ll kill him.”

__

“And you are terrifying.” Garrus chuckled.

__

“Damn right I am.”

__

…..

__

It’d been around a month since leaving Earth’s orbit when Omega came into view.  Jane had briefed them upon approach. She, along with Tali and Garrus would check into what Aria wanted.  Liara was going to check her network contacts and see if anything useful could be gathered from the huge space station.  Vega would look into supplies. And Shaw...Shaw had her own little mission to attend to. One Cullen would accompany her on.  Everyone prepped in their armor and gear. If one thing was still clear, Omega was  _ not _ safe without being armed and prepared.  They disembarked and split off.

__

Shaw followed the directions to the lower living area.  Passing by the market, she wound her way around the winding hallways to the apartment zone.  Cullen walked behind her and kept looking around. She reread the map coordinates for the hundredth time before she spotted the door.  There was a small courtyard area with a single, poorly kept raised garden bed in the middle of the opening. Four different apartments sat in the square.  Shaw took a deep breath and looked at Cullen.

__

“I’ll just wait here.” He nodded to the planter, leaning back on it with arms crossed.  She nodded and didn’t say anything. She wasn’t certain she  _ could _ speak.  She moved passed him toward the door on the farthest right.  She pressed the bell.

__

The wait wasn’t very long, technically.  But that’s not what it felt like. The door opened and a familiar face looked back at her in shock.  

__

“Shawna?” The older woman asked, as though not believing it.  

__

“Y-yes.” Shaw managed to croak out.  She followed as she was ushered into their home.  She stepped into a living area and felt confusion explode within her.  A small baby sat in a bassinet and a dark haired woman sat beside it, looking just as confused to see her.

__

“You’re alive.” Mrs. Matthews spoke.  Shaw looked back at her, wondering how to take her tone.  She seemed...not entirely pleased. “How are you alive?”

__

“I…” Her voice nearly gave out.  She took a deep breath. “Jay, he…”

__

“We know.” Mr. Matthews spoke from where he stood by the couch.  “We’ve already been informed that Jay is dead. What are you doing here?  Informing us of what we already know?”

__

“...I, well, I didn’t know you knew.  And I--”

__

“You what?” The dark haired woman snapped.  “Thought you’d rub it in further? That we’re without him?  Who  _ are  _ you anyway?”

__

Shaw looked at her with a frown.  “What? What do you  _ mean  _ who am I?”

__

“Shawna is Jay’s best friend from childhood.” Mrs. Matthews sighed, shaking her head.  “Thank you for coming all this way, but you--”

__

“I’m  _ more _ than his best friend!  I’m his  _ fiance _ !  Of  _ course _ I came here!  I thought you deserved to know  _ how _ he died and to return his tags to you!” Shaw finally bit out.

__

It was like a lead balloon had literally exploded in the room.  All eyes turned to her before anger turned toward her. Mrs. Matthews was the first to speak.

__

“I  _ know _ you always had more feelings for Jay, Shawna, but this?  This is uncalled for! Nania is not only his fiance but the mother of his child!”

__

Shaw stared at her, a hot lance spearing through her heart and gut at the same time.  “W-what…?”

__

“Wait... _ you’re _ the woman who drunkenly fought a krogan to get Jay’s attention!” Nania pointed at her.  “He had told me about you! I had just told him I was pregnant with our baby and he’d proposed that night!”

__

“H-he…” Shaw felt the burn of tears gathering in her eyes.  She felt so betrayed, hurt, and lost. She shook her head, clenching and unclenching her fists.  She reached up and without hesitation, ripped the necklace from her neck as well as the dog tags.  She didn’t care that her neck now burned from the force she used. She held them up. “He  _ proposed to me _ , a month  _ before _ that.  We’d gotten into a fight and I...I needed to fight  _ something _ .  It wasn’t to get his attention.”

__

“That’s  _ not _ possible!” Nania stood, glaring at her.  “You lie!”

__

“That’s my grandmother’s ring…” Mrs. Matthews gasped, eying the ring.  She looked up at Shaw. 

__

“What?” Nania echoed, “he said he’d lost it and had to buy me something new!”

__

Shaw dropped the necklace and dog tags to the floor.  She turned on her heel and ignored the call of her name as she walked out.  She approached Cullen and nodded once before continuing on her way. Cullen fell into step with her as she ignored everything.  She had to get away. They were all the way to Afterlife club when she spotted Jane. Jane saw her and turned. 

__

“How’d it--” Jane started but Shaw interrupted her.

__

“Tell me you have something to shoot.”

__

Jane paused before she nodded.  “I do. Coming?”

__

“Yes.”

__

That was all that needed to be said.

* * *

__


	11. Chapter 11

**Anger Management**

* * *

Cullen was unsure of how to handle Shaw’s sudden...clamp down.  She was deadpan and rather blank. He could tell that Shepard had noticed but had chosen to take them along on their little mission anyway.  He leaned on his knees as Garrus flew the shuttle they were in through Omega. 

“What are out targets and objective?” He asked, looking to Jane.

Jane was busy checking over her pistol.  “The usual for Omega. Mercs. They’re stealing supplies from the citizens.”

“And pissing Aria off.” Garrus added from the pilot seat.  “Hence the call to us.”

“Yes.  That too.” Jane sighed.  “The Mercenary Queen is being challenged by the merc groups that used to listen to her every whim.”

“Uh...Shepard?”

“What?”

“We’ve got company.” 

Jane snorted, “what else is new?”

Right after that statement, the shuttle was hit  _ hard _ .  Garrus swore loudly before the hull of the shuttle was hit with what sounded like gunfire.  The shuttle jolted violently. 

“Annnnd there went thruster one.  Crash landing anyone?” Garrus said.

“Everybody brace up!” Jane called out.  

Tali groaned.  “ _ This _ is why we don’t let you drive, Garrus!”

“Hey now!  I’m not seeing how this is  _ my _ fault!”

They didn’t get to say much else as the shuttle smashed into the docking bay below.  The loud scrape of metal on metal before the last  _ slam  _ of the shuttle crashing into a wall of crates signalled the end of their ride.  Beeping consoles, screeching alerts, and the sound of crackling flame outside drove each passenger to start evacuating the shuttle.  Garrus kicked open the pilot’s door. He ran and ducked behind cover as they began to be fired upon. Jane and Tali ran for a crate and dove behind while Cullen followed Shaw to the secondary cover closer to the dock edge.  They slid into the cover and pulled out their weapons. 

He activated his rifle as he’d been taught.  He shoved his helmet visor down and nodded to Shaw.  As soon as their cover paused in the pelting bullets, they both popped up and started shooting back.  Shaw threw something from her omnitool. A ball of light flew over and hit a merc, igniting them into a blaze.  She then hit them with two shots to the head and chest. A blue orb of energy that made his spine twitch flew out from where Jane was under cover.  It pulled three into it and crushed them. Cullen spotted Garrus moving to higher ground. Tali summoned a little turret.

“Go Chattika!” 

The turret flew off and began to cause havoc for the merc forces.  Cullen took aim and shot down two mercs before he spotted Shaw throwing herself over their cover and rolling into the next further up.  

“Scratched one!” Garrus called out as one of the merc’s heads suddenly gained a rather sizeable hole through his helmet and hit the ground.  Cullen was impressed. He’d only ever seen Varric hit a mark so accurately from afar. 

A wave of the blue energy from Shepard that set Cullen’s teeth on edge rolled over the area, taking down another two.  “Five!”

“Wait?  We’re keeping  _ count _ now?” Garrus shot again and laughed victoriously.  “Two in one! Aw, yeah! That makes...four for me!”

Tali moved forward as Shepard moved along the left side of the battlefield.  Shaw was creeping up the right side. Cullen moved up the middle with Tali, taking down another set.  Tali’s cheery tone came over their comms. “Six!”

“No way!” Garrus argued.  Another shot. “Ha! Six!”

“Seven.” Shaw blurted out before she shot a pistol with a strange ammo that stuck to her target.  A count of three passed before they blew up. 

“Is that a Scorpion pistol?” Shepard asked over comms.

“Yup.” Shaw’s reply was still flat.

“Damn.” Garrus spoke.  

Cullen tallied up his kills.  “Eight.”

They continued this, jumping from cover to cover.  Cullen ran and slid into a cover just to the left of Shaw’s.  He popped the heat sink out and slammed in another one. A beep caught his attention, looking as something flew over them and landed to Shaw’s side.  She looked down and her face suddenly contorted as she yelled out.

“Grenade!!”

Cullen watched her throw herself back from it, he slid around the cover’s side just in time as it blew.  He quickly rounded back to check on Shaw. She was laying, knocked back on her ass, on a piece of dock flooring.  She met his gaze and rolled to her feet. A groan echoed and then a clank. The flooring suddenly gave beneath Shaw.  She screamed, hitting the floor and sliding down the angled metal hunk. Cullen swore loudly. He heard several cries from the other three but he didn’t hear their words clearly.  He was moving as fast as he’d ever run before. He dove over the edge, sliding on his stomach, hand stretched out. Shaw reached toward him. His heavier mass aided him in this task.  He slid within reach of her hand, snagging it with his right, he flipped himself so that he was going feet first. The edge was so fucking close. Open air just mere yards away. He activated his omnitool and flipped the blade out, stabbing it into the platform and slowing their descent.  They finally dragged to a stop. Right. At. The. Edge. Cullen was holding Shaw’s hand with a deathgrip. She was dangling off into space, looking at him wide eyed. He heard the metal groan again. He glanced quickly up once and saw the hinge connection of the platform begin to bend under their combined weight.  He looked back down at Shaw, she’d followed his line of vision.

“I--”

“Don’t!” He snarled.  “I’m  _ not _ letting go.”

She stared at him.  A shuttle flew around to them, leveling the door with them.  Shaw swore colorfully.

“Blue suns!  Fuck!!” She tried to level her pistol at the shuttle as the door swung open.  Jane grinned at them. 

“Hanging in there?”

Shaw put the pistol back on her hip clip before she reached for Shepard’s outstretched hand.  The sisters clasped forearms tightly, Shaw putting her left boot along the rung of the shuttle.  She released Cullen’s hand. With Shepard pulling her and Shaw pushing up with her left leg, she rolled into the shuttle.  Shepard quickly stretched out for Cullen’s now free hand. He repeated the same as Shaw, forearm grabbings, and using his leg to push up.  He deactivated his omnitool as he lunged forth and rolled into the shuttle. The metal panel made a jolting screech before it snapped off completely and fell.  Garrus slid the door shut on the shuttle then. Tali maneuvered the shuttle up and away from the bay. 

“That was one hell of a catch, Rutherford.” Garrus helped him up so he could sit on the side bench.  

“I’ll say!” Shepard sat back with a laugh.  “Damn good shot too.”

“I got ten.” Tali chimed in from the cockpit.  “What did you guys end with?”

“Nine.” Shepard cleared her gun before she settled it back in its holster.  Garrus sat beside her and snickered.

“That it?”

“Okay, smartass, how many did  _ you _ get?”

“Twelve.” Garrus was obviously proud of himself.  Shepard shook her head.

“You had the high ground advantage.” Shepard pointed out before glancing at Cullen.  “How about you, Rutherford?”

“Nine as well.”  He answered. Shaw glared at the floor, leaning on her knees.

“Not enough.” She said, hardly above a whisper.  Cullen looked at her. Whatever had happened back at the Matthews’ residence had really upset her.  

Shepard looked at her sister closely.  She turned toward the front of the shuttle.  “Tali, will you hail Joker? Inform him we’re friendlies and not to fire.”

“Already on it, Shepard.” Tali spoke as she set to do just that.  

The mood in the shuttle was suddenly rather morose.  They flew into Normandy’s docking bay and waited for it to reseal before they dropped out one by one.  

“Is there anything else for now, Commander Shepard?” Shaw asked, her voice tight.  

Shepard eyed her before she sighed.  “No, Lieutenant. You’re free to go.”

Shaw didn’t wait for her to reconsider.  Cullen watched her go. Shepard cleared her throat, gaining his attention.  “You should go make sure she’s okay.”

“I’m not certain she wants company right now.”

“She trusts you.” Shepard added with a sad smile.

Cullen felt guilty at the sight.  He knew what it felt like to have issues with siblings.  He inclined his head and took his leave. He pulled his helmet off as he caught the elevator just in time.  Stepping inside, he leaned back to Shaw’s left. Her helmet was still on. He didn’t know what to say so he said nothing.  They reached their floor and walked to the quarters they shared. He was wracking his brain for something,  _ anything _ to do or say that could possibly help.  As soon as the door was shut, she ripped her helmet off with an enraged scream.  She literally chucked it across the room toward her side. It slammed into the floor and bounced up loudly, clacking against the far wall.  She sank to her knees, punching the floor. Cullen dove forward, grabbing her arm to keep her from breaking her hand on the unforgiving floor.

“ _ Let go of me!!” _

“No!  You’ll hurt yourself if I do!”

“ _ FUCK it ALL!” _

He sighed, “you don’t mean that.”

“Yes, I do!  He was cheating on me!!  He had  _ another woman! _  And a fucking  _ baby!! _ ” Her voice broke as she pitched forward, hitting her forehead on the floor.  Cullen was stunned. He let her arms slide free of his grip. “He proposed to  _ her _ too...a month after me.  After we...fought. And I ran off to fight that fucking krogan.  He lied to me. He  _ lied to everyone _ .  And I...I wanted to die for him?”  She gasped and shook as her emotion came bleeding out of her.  

Cullen felt anger crush his mind.  He shifted to sit adjacent to her. “If you promise not to break yourself, throw whatever you feel like you need to.  Scream. Whatever you need, Shaw.”

She inhaled sharply before she let out another scream of rage.  He found that unlike most women he’d met, her scream wasn’t shrill.  It was almost gravelly and raspy. He leaned back on his hand as he just sat beside her.  He didn’t touch her. He just...was there. She threw several items within her reach before she finally began to calm.  She just laid there on her knees, face pressed to the floor, armor that she hadn’t unclipped and chucked around the room bunching uncomfortably against various parts of her body.  Her hair, the color of drying blood, was spilled out of the bun she’d shoved it into earlier like streamers of the life-giving liquid. He stared at her hair, fascinated by the brilliant shade.  She gave a shudder sigh, pushing up to flop back on her ass.

“You saved my ass…” Her voice was hoarse.  

Cullen looked back at her, noted how her hazel eyes were more green with golden flecks than brown.  “I don’t handle losing soldiers well.”

She made a scoffing sound, turning away.  “You could have died.”

“I apparently have a habit of being in life threatening situations, yet seem to be the one walking away.”

“I don’t know what to do now.”

Cullen frowned at the broken, lost sound in her voice.  “You fight. Is that not what you do?”

She looked back at him.  “You’re so fucking sure. How?”

“Because some crazy naked woman in a shower didn’t kill me when she had the chance and instead chose to help me.” 

Shaw snorted suddenly, the sound so very unladylike.  Cullen found it endearing all the same. She wiped at her face and nose.  “I’m such an ugly crier.”

“Hardly.” Cullen rolled his eyes.  “Trust me, I’ve seen  _ much _ worse.”

“Yeah?” She laughed, almost too softly to hear.  “Who?”

Cullen smirked, “me.”

She blinked before she snickered and reached over to punch his thigh without any force.  “Ass.”

“You asked.” He shoved to his feet and offered her his hand.  “That place earlier, with the loud, boisterous music? That was a bar, yes?  I could use a beer or two.”

Shaw sighed as though he’d just told her the best news she’d ever heard.  “I could go for five.”

“I’m not carrying you back here.  You’re heavy.”

She glared at him.  “Gee, thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” He chuckled as he nodded to her trunk of clothes.  “You should change since your armor is already mostly slung across the room.”  He grabbed a spare change of his own and stepped out. He changed in the men’s room and stepped out just as Shepard and Garrus rounded the corner.  

“Hey, Rutherford.” Shepard greeted.  “We’re heading to Afterlife to give Aria her information and also grab a few drinks.  You down?”

“I was actually heading there with Shaw.”

Shepard smiled at him.  “Good. See you there.” Garrus mock saluted him as they stepped onto the elevator.  Cullen returned the gesture in good humor before he returned to his shared room. He looked up and swore.  He spun around. 

Shaw was half dressed, pulling a shirt over her head.  “It’s nothing you haven’t seen before.” She shot at him.

“I wasn’t paying attention  _ then _ !” Cullen hissed.  

“Huh.” She moved about, “you can turn around now.”

He turned and sighed as he saw she was in fact dressed.  But it wasn’t her usual civvies. He ground his teeth. She wore a tightly fitted pair of pants tucked into her boots with a nearly transparent top that covered only the front part of her chest to her navel.  She was busy shoving her hair up into a messy bun. 

“You ready?” She asked him, walking toward the door.  He  _ did not _ watch the sway of her hips.  He tossed his armor aside. 

“Yes.” He answered shortly and quickly passed her so that he wouldn’t have to  _ watch _ her walk in front of him.  Why she chose such an obviously revealing outfit was beyond him.  He sank against the wall of the elevator as they rode up to the exit leading onto the Omega docks.  She jutted one hip out and crossed her arms. He stared up at the ceiling. They reached the command deck and walked together through the exit and docks.  Cullen wasn’t blind. His friend was a very attractive woman. In more ways than just physical. But that...was definitely not in his favor tonight. Her shapely hips, decently ample chest, thin waist, strong legs, and that hair...she was definitely  _ not _ hard on the eyes.  

The music from the bar was vibrating even the walls of the lobby as they approached.  He took a deep breath and choked. He shot a glance to the side where a woman stood just inside the door.  Her perfume was so bloody strong. He turned his face away in distaste. He remembered Evelyn’s perfume was also light and easy.  Although it still wasn’t something he preferred. He preferred the natural smell of a woman. He thought about how Shaw smelled. She always smelled clean and uniquely just... _ Shaw _ .  Where Evelyn had been a lady first then a fighter, Shaw was a fighter and not an ounce of lady.  She also didn’t play politics like Evelyn seemed to enjoy. He nearly stopped walking. When did he start comparing the two women?  He frowned then, troubled by where his thoughts were leading him. They stepped up to the bar then. He nearly sighed in relief. 

“Two beers, chilled.” Shaw ordered.  The turian behind the counter nodded and moved to fulfill her order.  She turned, leaning her back and elbows on the counter. “You can buy the next round.”

“Of course.” He agreed, leaning on his elbows.  

“What are you so deep in thought about?”

He looked over, somehow not that surprised she could read him.  “Evelyn.”

A look of understanding crossed her face.  “Ah.”

“I…” He sighed, running a hand over his hair.  “I confess I haven’t...thought of her as much recently.”

“No?”

“No...and I’m unsure if I should feel guilty about that, or relieved?”

“You can remember someone and not have it completely rule your life from there forward.” Shaw answered, watching the bar.  He knew what she was doing. She was analyzing everyone there for potential threats. He smirked, once again noting a difference in her from Eve.  Shaw trusted no one unless given reason to. Eve had been rather trusting often. It usually worked in Eve’s favor. But how much of that had been luck?  

Their beers were slid over to them, Shaw paid with her credit chit.  They sipped at their respective drinks. He was lost in thought again when Shaw spoke up again.  “You’re doing it again.”

He laughed despite himself.  “You seem to have a knack for watching me.”

She shrugged.  “It’s what partners do, isn’t it?  Watch each other’s back.”

He smiled and nodded.  “Yes. You’re right.”

“I’m  _ always _ right.”

“That...is not true.” Cullen turned around, mirroring her stance.  “Who here has caught your eye?”

“Hm?” She glanced over before turning back.  “That guy in the corner there, is a sleeze. Probably dealing red sand too.  He’s sweating while trying to look cool and collected. But under the table, he keeps checking his omnitool.  Either for a deal or a hooker. But they’re late. So he’s starting to think he’s been had. His other hand is twitching toward his holster.”

Cullen watched everything she said and made an impressed sound.  “Alright, how about that woman up there. The asari dancing.”

Shaw looked up, studied her, then leaned over to Cullen.  “She’s here to forget about her problems. She probably lost people during the war.  She’s looking for an escape. You can see the desperation in her moves. There are dried tear stains on her cheeks that only show at just the right angle under the lights.  She’s also intoxicated.”

Cullen decided to play with fire, licking his lips.  “And what do you see when you analyze me?”

Shaw dropped her gaze back to him, studying him strongly.  “I see a man trapped. Not sure where to go from here. You’re hesitating about something.  Your fingers are twitching, your breathing is elevated, and you want something. But you’re afraid of what it is.”

He stared back at her, his gazed flicking all over her face and then back to her eyes.  “What do you suppose that is?” His voice was lower. 

Shaw swallowed and her own breath seemed to speed up.  Was it just him or was the space between them closing slowly?  Her lips parted slightly, her eyes beginning to lower. 

“There you guys are!” 

Like ice water on a fire, they shifted subtly away from one another, taking a drink from their beers.  Tali nearly bounced over. Shaw smiled at the quarian.

“Let’s  _ dance _ !  We saved the galaxy and now we should  _ dance!”   _

Shaw snorted but let out a small yip of surprise, barely setting down her beer in time as Tali yanked her toward the dance floor.  Cullen laughed, shaking his head as Shepard and Garrus took seats to the left of him. Liara was with them alongside Vega and Joker.  

“I swear, Tali is the happiest drunk I’ve ever known.” Shepard chuckled, drinking from her strangely swirling beverage.

“Still can’t get over that  _ ‘emergency induction port’ _ comment.” Garrus joined Shepard in chuckling at Tali’s expense.

“Neither of you have much room to talk.” Liara pointed out with a teasing smile.  She took a drink from whatever she had.

“Hey, at least my mind is still very in tune when I’m drunk.  If I can  _ still _ do calibrations while inebriated, then I say I’m a damn fine drunk.” Garrus boasted.  

“You need to redefine  _ ‘damn fine’ _ , Scars.” Vega shook his head before he turned to watch the two dancing.  “Hey, Lola...is Little Lola taken? Or is she on the market?”

Cullen frowned at the terms.  Market? What was that supposed to mean?

“She lost her fiance during the war, Vega.” Shepard said, a slight warning edge to her tone.  Cullen felt shame rush over him. Even knowing what he did, he still knew better. What was he thinking, even teasing at that pool of temptation?  Where could it go but wrong? 

“Besides, I don’t really think you’re her type, Vega.” Garrus commented.  

Vega snorted, “I’m  _ everybody’s  _ type, Scars.”

Liara made a soft sound, looking away.  Joker looked at Vega with disbelieving look.  “Yeah...you’re really not.”

Cullen turned so that he didn’t have to watch Shaw dancing with Tali.  He drank his beer and held his hand up to order another two, pay for them, and finish his second quickly.  He pushed away from the bar. 

“Going somewhere, Rutherford?” Shepard asked as he stepped away.  

“Back to the ship.  I’m a bit tired.”

Shepard didn’t believe him.  He could see it in the way she watched him.  She shrugged and turned away. “See you later, Rutherford.”

“And you, Shepard.” He nodded to the others and quickly made his escape.  He shoved his hands in his jacket pockets. Cullen reached the docks without too much issue.  A few drunkards tried to accost him for credits, but he’d just easily shoved past them. He sealed the Normandy entrance once more and made his way to the elevator.  Stepping out onto the crew deck, he moved to his shared quarters. Once inside, he stared at the empty room. He leaned back on the wall beside the door. 

“What the bloody void am I doing?” He sighed, hitting his head against the wall behind him.  He shed his jacket and boots on his way to his bunk. He pulled his shirt off and flopped onto the bunk, tossing the blanket over himself.  He forced his mind to blank and quiet like he’d been taught all those years ago before he’d ever been stationed at Kinloch. His mind slipped into that place that normally bordered the Fade.  But there was no Fade here. He didn’t even hardly have nightmares any longer. They were faint, distant, haunting remnants of memories. He hardly dreamt of Evelyn any longer. It didn’t take much before he slipped into sleep.  

* * *

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That fight scene was in my head for WEEKS before I could get it placed into the story at the right place.


	12. Chapter 12

**Changing of Opinion**

* * *

_ “Cullen?” _

_ He blinked, opening his eyes and sitting up.  He was in Skyhold, in his bed. A frown tugged at his brow.  He...could hardly remember this place much any longer. He shifted to roll over, planting his socked feet on the floor.  He stared, taken aback by the texture of his pants. Jeans. He looked up to watch Evelyn standing across the space from him.  Her eyes scanning over him critically.  _

_ “Evelyn.” He spoke, wondering why he dreamt himself here and with these clothes.   _

_ “You...look different.” _

_ He felt an odd spike of alarm.  These were dreams. Things just... _ were _.  How could she tell a difference?  She laughed in that soft, lilting way that used to draw an awkward smile to his lips.  “What...is going on here?” _

_ “You reached out to me.”  She shrugged as if that answered everything.   _

_ He felt agitation rise.  “What does  _ that _ even  _ mean _?” _

_ Evelyn sighed and slowly crossed to him.  It was then he really took in the sight of her.  She was still in the same armor she’d worn the day she’d rode off to face Corypheus.  Blood stains still splattered her face and clothing. She stopped before him. “It means, somehow, you found me in the Fade.” _

_ “This...but…” He looked around and saw it.  It  _ was _ the Fade.  Had it really been  _ that _ long since he’d dreamt in the Fade that he didn’t even realize it?  And why now? _

_ “For some reason, you needed to talk to me.” _

_ “I...don’t recall--” _

_ “Yes, you do, you silly templar.” She sighed, sinking to her knees and looking up at him.  “The Fade is simply harder to reach from where you are. But you are from here, so you still have a connection.  However faint. You tethered yourself to something here, I assume it was the memory of me.” _

_ “You’re dead.” He blurted suddenly. _

_ “Yes.  I am. Very much so.  But my spirit, my mana...was always tied to the Fade.  I’m afraid that...non-mages will not be reachable. Unless they were alive and dreaming.” _

_ “So...Mia, Bran, his little boy, and Rosie...they’re forever lost to me.” _

_ Evelyn grimaced and dropped her head.  “Yes.” _

_ “...I suppose...I can understand why.  Mages were as much a piece of the Fade as the Fade was a piece of them.” He sighed, rubbing his face.  “I--” _

_ “I’m not going to hate you.  I never would, if you moved on.  You  _ should _ move on, Cullen.  What we had, was wonderful.  But you have a chance. Another chance with a life in a new world.  Take it.” _

_ He looked up, through his fingers.  “Just like that? How do I know this isn’t simply my deep seeded consciousness trying to excuse myself here?” _

_ “In all the time you knew me,” Evelyn rose to her knees and cupped his face, “would you believe that I would want anything but happiness for you?  With or without me?” _

_ Cullen felt the truth in her words.  He raised his hands to cover hers. “No.  You would have wished happiness for everyone no matter the cost to you.” _

_ She smiled warmly at him.  “See?” _

_ “I  _ did _ love you, Eve. With my everything.” _

_ Tears gathered in her eyes, she pressed a soft, chaste kiss to his lips before settling back.  “And I you. I always knew my templar loved me with his all. But it’s time to let go. Thedas is  _ gone _ and will never come back.   _ You _ can never go back.  So you need to live here, in  _ this _ place.  You have much to give and share here.  Be the man I know you to be.” _

_ He sighed, leaning his forehead to hers.  “I’m...terrified.” _

_ “As you should be.  But nothing worth having is easy to attain.  Consider it a blessing in disguise. There is  _ no magic _ ,  _ no lyrium _ here.  There is hope.” _

_ “There is  _ something _ like magic here.  I can feel it--” _

_ “Hush.  Worry-wort.” She teased him, standing and stepping back.  “You need to go. Let go of Thedas, Cullen. It’s gone. You’re clinging to death.” _

_ He frowned at her and reached toward her.  She took his hand, squeezing it lightly before she suddenly disappeared.  He blinked. _

The ceiling of the Normandy room was what greeted him.  He raised his left arm and brought up the time on his omnitool.  It was very early morning in the Earth time-cycle. Around four am.  A quiet snore made him look to the other side of the room. He stifled a chuckle at the sound coming from Shaw.  He sat up and pulled his red long sleeved shirt back on. He crammed his boots on and ignored the ties for once. Rising, he walked to the door, pausing by Shaw to look at her.  She was out cold. Her tiny snores coming from time to time, her blood colored hair spilling out around her face and head in a riot. Her right leg was hooked over the blankets and her arms draped comically above her head and off the bunk.  She hadn’t even bothered to remove her boots the night before. Probably too drunk to think straight. Her nose kept scrunching as a stray lock of hair kept tickling her. He leaned over to push the hair off her nose and tucked it behind her ear.  He realized how that looked and snapped his hand back. He shook his head and quickly fled the room. 

He made himself a mug of tea as per the instructions he’d found through the extranet on his omnitool.  He decided to sit in the rec room with the chess board out. He was toying with a pawn between his thumb and forefinger when Liara walked in.  He quirked a brow at her. 

“Saw you head in here.” She smiled, sliding into the seat across from him.  “Forgive me for interrupting your game.”

He chuckled, moving the pawn back into line.  “You didn’t.”

“You are troubled.”

“Yes.” He sighed, resting his head on his left upturned hand.  “May I ask you something?”

“Anything, Commander.”

“What was that magic Shepard used on the battlefield earlier?”

“Magic?”

“Blue, it pushed and pulled and…” He drew lazy circles in the air before him with his right hand.  “I can’t describe it better.”

“Oh, her biotics.  It’s not magic. It’s an ability through an amplification device powered by a substance called Element Zero.  Or, more commonly, Eezo.”

“It  _ felt _ like magic.” He tapped his right index on the table top.  “Well,  _ mostly _ like magic.  There was something missing.  A...melody of sorts?”

“A melody?” Liara inquired, curiosity lacing her tone.  

“In my world, mages use magic.  They enhance said abilities with a substance called lyrium.  Consequently, those trained in the Order, templars take it as well to enhance their abilities to counter or more aptly... _ deny _ a mage’s spell from becoming reality through the Fade.  It is blue, glows, and has a very distinct taste and...melody.  It, for lack of a better term, sings. Like a soundless song that vibrates at the back of one’s head like a quiet hum, yet when denied, becomes a deafening roar of need.”

Liara frowned, “it sounds almost like a drug…”

“It somewhat is.” Cullen sat back, dropping his hands into his lap.  “I was a templar once. I took it. It...took very long and hard to fight when I stopped taking lyrium.  The withdrawals were the worst thing I thought I’d experienced at the time. But it was a trade off I was willing to make.  Even if it killed me as it had so many others.”

“Do you still suffer these withdrawals?”

“Oddly enough, no.  It seems once I was cut off from the Fade, for the most part anyway, that they dwindled until they become such a phantom that I hardly even know I ever took it.  Until yesterday. The feeling of the biotics...it was...almost frightening. Shaw...she had a theory. That my world, my planet, was part of a galaxy with an electromagnetic force field so strong that technologies such as  _ this _ ship and  _ this _ omnitool...would simply not work.  That perhaps that’s why we developed the way we did.”

Liara hummed, “that would in fact make a great deal of sense.  Your DNA was also just variated enough to stand out to Dr. Chakwas and myself.”

“I’m an alien then.” He asked drily with a bemused smirk.  

“No more than I.” Liara looked back.  “Your DNA is far closer to human than any other species in this galaxy.  It is only by a tiny, almost unnoticeable trace amount of something  _ else _ in your chromosomes that makes you not quite human via this galaxy’s standards.”

“I...think it would be wise to share this with Shepard.” Cullen knit his hands together and laid them on the table before him.  “She deserves to know.”

“I would hope so.” 

Liara turned quickly, actually looking surprised.  “Shepard!”

Shepard leaned against the open door, arms crossed and an unreadable expression on her face.  “So, you’re not really from Earth after all.”

“...no.” Cullen didn’t know if he should be relieved or worried that she’d overheard.  And quite a bit, if he wasn’t mistaken. “I am not from this galaxy either, apparently.”

“Huh.” Shepard shot Liara a  _ very _ loaded look.  She looked back, tilting her head.  “Does Shaw know?”

“Yes.  In fact she’s the first person  _ to _ know.  She actually came to the conclusion that I was from another galaxy before even I did.”

“That’s why Chakwas put in a report that you have amnesia.  Because you weren’t  _ here _ during the Reaper war.  You came after. That’s why you have no damn clue about the way things work here.” Shepard spoke, not asking.  She was tying it all together. “Are you really a commander?”

“Yes.  I did, in fact, lead an army into battle.  I  _ do _ , in fact, deal strongly in battle strategy and I am no stranger to fighting.”

“I know.  You can’t fake battle instincts and you have the reactions of a man used to war.” Shepard moved away from the wall and had the door shut behind her.  “Who else knows?”

“Dr. Chakwas, Liara, Shaw, and I believe Joker.” Cullen answered openly and honestly.

“So, now I’ve got crew keeping secrets from me.” Shepard almost looked hurt for a moment before she seemed to shrug it off.  “But I can’t blame them. If I’d been told this  _ before _ I saw you out there yesterday, saving my sister’s life without a giving a damn about the danger to yourself...I probably would have spaced you myself.  Which would have been an injustice.”

“You’re taking this oddly well.” He shifted in his seat.

“Look, if anyone in this whole fucking galaxy has dealt with the weirdest shit, it’s me.  I had to fight a damn  _ plant _ that was controlling people’s  _ minds _ .”

Cullen gave her a look of confused horror.  “It...what?”

“Yup.  Exactly.  Oh, and cloned an asari so many times the original turned green rather than blue.” Shepard shrugged.  “My point  _ being _ , that dealing with otherworldly people isn’t so far out of my realm of supposed expertise.  And there is no one on this ship beside me that I can see caring for and looking after Shaw the way you do.  I won’t ignore her trust in you. She doesn’t trust easily. Hell, I don’t even think she really trusts  _ me _ that much anymore.  But  _ you _ ... _ you _ she trusts completely.  She didn’t second guess you when you saved her earlier.  She didn’t freak out. She just knew that you had her.”

Cullen dropped his gaze to his hands.  “I don’t leave soldiers behind…”

“No.  But you’re also not just seeing a soldier when you see Shaw.”

Liara was failing to hide her knowing smile.  Cullen shot her an annoyed glare. “I’m not  _ blind _ .  But I also understand that her heart is not ready--”

“Let  _ her _ decide what her heart is ready for or not.” Shepard spoke with firm conviction.  “Besides, once she’s downed a few beers, she’s  _ very chatty _ .”

He looked back up at Shepard.  “Oh?”

“She spilled her guts about what happened at the Matthews.” Shepard’s jaw tightened as she spoke.  “If he wasn’t already dead…”

“Then Shaw would handle it herself, Shepard.” Liara teased.  “She’s still a Shepard.”

Shepard snorted and smirked, nodding her head.  “True...I’d probably have to cook up the story on how he  _ really _ died and find somewhere to hide the body.  Truth is...I always thought he was a bad choice for her to marry.  They grew up together. Best of friends, yeah. But it seemed just  _ too _ expected,  _ too _ easy.  And I don’t know if Jay ever really  _ wanted _ to get married.  He wasn’t a  _ bad _ guy, just not the wisest.  And apparently he really couldn’t keep himself tied to one relationship.” 

“He didn't deserve her.” Cullen said before he could think it over.  “He obviously took what he had for granted.”

“Yes, he did.” Shepard tapped the table. “As far as Alliance brass goes, you’re safe.  I’ll make sure your cover story stays air-tight. But my crew...will know. They need to know who’s at their back.  But I promise you, they are the best of the best. They will hardly bat an eye at this. If I trust you, they’ll trust you.”

“I--” Cullen was suddenly reminded of how quickly Shaw turned to help him.  It must have been a family trait. He smiled. “Thank you, Shepard.”

“Don’t mention it.” She turned and walked toward the door.   “And Liara, quit being so damn sneaky!”

Liara giggled, “it’s part of the title, Shepard.  I can't help it.”

A snorted chuckle was the answer before the door shut behind Shepard.  

…..

The hair on her face woke her up.  She scrunched her nose, too lazy to brush it off her face.  She was about ready to grumble and do something about it when she felt warm fingers drag it across her face and tuck behind her ear.  As soon as it happened, fingers were snatched away. She heard Cullen footsteps quickly retreat. She opened her eyes and looked over, her face flushed as she watched his back before the door shut between them.  She forced herself to breathe again. Did he just? She moved her right arm from off the bunk and touched where she could just barely feel the fading touch of his fingers on her face. She pushed to sit up and regretted it instantly.  Her head throbbed and her stomach rolled. Too many beers too fast. She took deep breaths and worked hard to resettle her protesting organs. Once she managed that, she very slowly moved to sit up. She reached over to her emergency pack.  A little trick she’d learned back in basic… She pulled out a stim shot and stabbed her thigh with it. She took a deep breath and felt it kick in. The queasiness faded and the headache dulled greatly. 

She grabbed for her boots only to frown down at the empty air.  She glanced at her feet then and made a scoffing noise at herself.  “Dumbass.”

She pushed up and trudged her way to the bathroom.  She stepped inside and relieved herself. She splashed her face with some cold water and popped her neck.  She knew she needed to get some food in her belly before the stim shot began to react to an empty stomach. She stepped out of the bathroom.  She saw Jane’s back as she walked to the rec room. She frowned, spotting her sister step inside and stop, using her omnitool to keep the door open.  Shaw felt her curiosity spike. Jane stepped out of her sight to the left. What was she up to?

Shaw pulled out all the stops on her sneaky meter and crept up to the room.  Pressing her back flat to the wall just on the other side from Jane, she listened.  The moment she realized what was happening, she nearly jumped inside to explain to her sister.  But she didn’t need to. As soon as she was prepared to jump to Cullen’s defense, her sister blew her away.  She eavesdropped on everything. She covered her mouth in horror as Jane revealed that she’d blurted everything drunkenly.  She took that as her cue to flee but before she could, she heard Cullen speak up.

“He didn’t deserve her.  He obviously took what he had for granted.”

What…?  She knew she had to move.  She darted for the closest door she could think of that should be empty.  She ducked into the Life Support room. She hid in there until she heard the elevator activate and rise.  She still hung back until she felt it was a decent amount of time that had passed. She stepped out, checking the walkway.  She was clear. She strode back to her room and quickly climbed back into her bunk. What the hell was happening? And most importantly of all...why did her heart skip a beat when she heard Cullen say that?

* * *


	13. Chapter 13

**Building Up Tensions**

* * *

“Joker,” Jane stepped into the cockpit, “what’s our status?”

Joker spun his chair around.  “Both reserves refueled, supplies boosted to the max carrying capacity, and spare parts for...you know... _ just in case _ are properly stashed.”

“Excellent.  Any trouble with fueling or supplies?”

Joker scoffed, making a sweeping gesture with his arm.  “Are you kidding? They practically  _ handed _ them to us.  ‘Specially when the name Commander Shepard was dropped.”

Jane sighed, giving him a look.  She crossed her arms. “Joker…”

“I  _ didn’t _ use your name as currency!  I just mentioned who I was shopping for since they  _ asked me _ !  Apparently you saved the galaxy or something.  Who knew?”

Jane rolled her eyes, “alright, alright.  Ping everyone and tap into the conference room comms.  I want everyone there in five.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Joker saluted, earning him a half-assed slug to his shoulder.  He grunted and grabbed his shoulder. “Hey, made of glass here. Remember?”

“Don’t make me play that classical song,  _ Heart of Glass _ ...again.”

Joker glared at her back.  “You are seriously cruel, you know that?”

She waved over her shoulder.  She was stepping into the conference room in less than a minute later.  She walked to the end of the table furthest from the door. Her crew slowly sidled in.  When they finally were all present, she looked over each side of the table. With the exception of Joker up in the cockpit, Garrus, Liara, Tali, Vega, Chakwas, Cullen, Shaw, and a new face she didn’t recognize stood before her.  She quirked a brow at the newcomer.

The man caught on quickly, saluting her.  Alliance. “Ma’am. It’s an honor. Your crewman, Lt. Vega here recruited me at the supply depot.  Told me you were out a shuttle pilot. That’s my specialty. Ensign Romero Alvarez.”

“How did you wind up on Omega, Ensign?”

He looked pained.  “My vessel I was assigned, the SSV Ulysses, was hit by Reapers right as we jumped into the relay.  Our...our captain...uh...he was fleeing. We didn’t want to, the crew. But we didn’t have much say.  By the time we reached Omega, our ship was pretty much done for. Besides me, only five other crew survived.  I took a shuttle and abandoned ship before we too were lost, ma’am.”

Jane watched him closely, she turned to Shaw who’d also been watching him closely.  Shaw turned to nod at her. Jane returned her gaze to the man. “Welcome aboard Ensign.  Did Vega brief you on our mission and the risks?”

“Yes, ma’am.  I’d rather be helping and serving even if I could die doing so.”

“Well then, on to what I called you all here for.  I recognize that I’m the one in charge here. But, seeing as how everyone here has something to be gained and lost.  I want to hear suggestions on where to go next. We met our first mission parameter. We made it to Omega and got information from Aria.  She has a few different mercenary bases she’s in contact with around the galaxy. A good sign for us. That means we aren’t out here blindly.” Jane tapped into the console before her, bringing up a galactical map with highlights.  “These are where the communications came from. These three ports.”

Garrus leaned on the table.  “That’s near Palaven.” He pointed out the Apien Crest system.  

“And that one is near Illium.” Liara pointed out.  

“The last one is in the same system as Virmire…” Tali looked over at Jane then.  

“Not a place I thought we’d return to.” Garrus added with a somber tone.  

“No.  Me neither.” Jane sighed, controlling her features.  “What do you think? Which location seems the to be the wisest course of action?”

“Given that we are closest to Illium in the Tasale cluster, my vote is there.”  Shaw spoke.

“Wherever you lead, Lola, I’m good.” Vega shrugged.  

Garrus drummed his three fingered hand on the table before he jerked his head toward Shaw.  “I agree. Illium is the closest. We shouldn’t gamble too much fuel on a longer shot.”

“I agree with Garrus and Shaw.” Liara turned to Jane.  “Illium is closest and I will be able to work my...talents...there to re-equip us once again at little expense to us.”

“You mean you’ll threaten them into giving us what we need.” Tali intoned with no small amount of humor.  

“I do not threaten, I trade information.  Savory or otherwise.” Liara defended smoothly.

Jane snickered, turning to Tali.  “What do you think, Tali?”

“I think Illium is a good idea as well.  Beside the supplies Liara can get us, we can also plan better from there.”

Jane took the answers and looked at Cullen.  “What do you think, Rutherford? From your viewpoint?”

Cullen looked at her, almost seeming surprised to be asked.  But it was gone almost as soon as it had appeared. His eyes slanted to the holographic map.  He studied the three points. “Illium is closest. Logically and tactically, start with Illium and work your way toward this Virmire.  It will conserve the most supplies and resources.”

Jane looked at the Ensign.  He shrugged. “Just tell me where I need to fly the shuttle, ma’am.”

“Alright.  You hear that Joker?”

“Loud and clear, Commander.  To Illium.”

“You have my clear to leave, Joker.  We have a trip ahead of us, folks. Buckle up.” Jane said to her crew.

…..

Shaw sat, reading her datapad, trying to ignore the lingering boredom another flight across open space was becoming.  She felt the need to exercise rise up within her. They were still roughly a week away from Illium. It had already been a week.  She’d occupied herself by falling back into the familiar routine of friendship with Cullen. She didn’t dare touch the strange feeling blooming inside of her when in his presence.  Not unpleasant, but definitely not entirely welcome either. They played chess and cards with others. But she found herself somewhat avoiding their shared room until absolutely necessary.  She knew he noticed, but he gave her the space she needed. She both thanked and cursed him for it. 

She shoved up to her feet and tossed the datapad aside.  She grabbed a change of clothes for working out. She quickly swapped her outfit and made her way down to the cargo bay.  Shaw spotted Jane and Garrus already down there. They were standing off to the side in sparring clothes with the sparring mats laid out.  Jane was drinking from a water bottle.

“Hey, looks like we weren’t the only ones with the idea to stretch out.” Jane grinned.

Shaw shrugged and started to stretch her arms.  She popped her neck. “Yeah, well, I feel like I’m going stir crazy here.”

“How did you last a month last time?” Jane mused, moving onto the mats opposite her younger sister while tossing her water bottle to Garrus.  He caught it without effort as he took a swig from his own. Shaw finished stretching and moved into position across from Jane. 

Jane rolled her shoulders before dropping into a fighting stance.  They slowly circled before Jane lunged. Shaw dodged to the side. She dropped and swept her leg at Jane.  Jane rolled out of reach and took the momentary break in Shaw’s movements to press her advantage. Shaw dropped and threw her elbow up into Jane’s chest.  Jane grunted but grabbed Shaw’s elbow, turning her arm back and up. Shaw made a sound of muted pain. Jane held just long enough until Shaw smacked the mat.  Jane stepped back and lightly kicked Shaw’s hip.

“You’re distracted, kid.” Jane chastised as she sauntered back to her starting position.  

Shaw glared at her sister, getting up and rubbing her shoulder.  “Just thinking about stuff.” 

“Yeah?  What kind of stuff?” Jane cocked her head to the side.  She was baiting Shaw. 

Shaw rolled to her feet and put her back to the elevator.  She didn’t bother waiting. She ran at Jane, but right before her sister, dropped to slide on the side of her right thigh.  She grabbed Jane’s left leg and rolled. Jane made a cry of dismay before she corrected her fall and rolled, kicking out with her right leg.  Shaw yelped as her sister’s knee caught her in the ribcage. She shoved away and both quickly rose to their feet. They both lunged, throwing hits and punches while dodging most of the other’s.  Shaw, however, lost her focus as she spotted who came in from the elevator. Stars exploded in her eyes as she took a right hook to the jaw. She stumbled and hit the mat on her hands and knees. Rubbing her jaw, she spat out a little bit of red tinged spittle.  

“That kind of stuff, huh?” Jane smirked, crossing her arms.  Shaw pushed up to her feet and threw Jane an angry look. Jane turned to look past her.  “Hey, Rutherford! Come show me your hand to hand skills.”

Shaw glanced over as said man quirked a brow at them.  He strode over to them. “I’m not certain we use the same style…”

“Good.  I need to see what you’re capable of.  Lieutenant Shepard, you’re up.” Jane nodded to Shaw and ignored the betrayed look on her sister’s face.  Shaw wanted to throw something, possibly a giant lug wrench, at the back of her sister’s head.

Cullen moved up to the mat, scanned her before removing his jacket and draping it with care over the nearest console area.  He stepped onto the mat and seemed to be analyzing the area. Shaw turned to face him, she stepped into place and dropped into a defensive stance with hands up.  She didn’t know what to expect of him, so she really didn’t want to be taken by surprise. He seemed completely unprepared. He didn’t even look like he was preparing to spar.  He simply moved back and forth, stalking the edge of the mat, watching her. She frowned, watching him closely for any sign of his intended attack. She kept shifting subtly to angle herself toward him as he paced like an animal.  

It hit her then.  He  _ was _ pacing like an animal.  An animal toying with its prey.  She met his gaze and saw the glint of smug humor.  Her eyes narrowed at him. She clicked her tongue against the back of her teeth in irritation.  She gave in and darted at him. She closed the space between them and struck out. He turned faster than she gave him credit for, grabbing her wrist and spinning so that her arm led out and away from her body and he pulled her into an upraised knee.  She threw herself over at the last second, using her free hand to catch herself and rolling over his leg. She rolled to her feet, prepared to defend herself only to see he’d simply stood back watching her expectantly. 

“If you keep smirking like that, I’m going to punch you.” She snarled back.

Cullen’s smirk only grew.  “If you can touch me.” 

Okay.  Now he was just being a overconfident prick.  She stood up from her crouched position. She ran through her head all the different ways she could mess with his head to get him to break his concentration.  The two she knew would probably have the most effect were the two tools in her arsenal that she would  _ never _ use on an ally or more importantly, a friend.  She wouldn’t bring up his dead family or friends to hurt him.  And she sure as hell wouldn’t use her body against him. Growling out an annoyed huff, she realized she just had to try and find a way around him.  She shifted as though she was going to the left. His focus sharped on her. He noticed it. Good. She made a fake start and darted to the right. She ran at the large storage freight.  She kicked off it just as Cullen closed the gap between them. She flipped herself up and grabbed his shoulder to catapult off of. He turned as she landed behind him. She kicked his side.  He grunted but grinned. His arm clamped down on her leg and kicked her other leg out. She cried out in surprise, slamming back into the mat with her head and shoulders. 

“Ow…”  Her leg dropped as he released her.  

“No wonder you’re still a lieutenant…” He sighed, obviously goading her on.  “With as wimpy a kick as that...”

She spun her legs around and attacked.  She threw herself into him, knocking him to the mat.  She laid her shin across his neck. “Watch it.” She growled out.

Cullen smirked up at her.  “So you  _ can _ fight.”  He grabbed her and threw her.  She rolled over and was on her feet only to feel like a damn train slammed into her.  Her back met the mat as he pinned her. She was slightly dazed. He was like a fucking mass of steel when he hit her head on like that.  He rolled back on his heels and stood, holding out his hand to her. She took his hand and let him pull her up only to use his show of good sportsmanship against him.   She twisted around and threw him over her. He hit the mat with a loud smack. She jumped out of his reach as he rolled to his feet and faced her. 

“Still can lay you out on your back, I see.” She smirked this time. 

Cullen snorted and regarded her.  “I made an error to let you in close like that.  I assure you, it won’t happen again.”

“Ha!” She rolled her shoulders.  It surprised her that she was starting to feel a little less stressed.  She put her fists up and darted forward again. This time, she swung with her right arm instead of trying to get around him.  He blocked her punch with his forearm and swung back. She ducked, feeling the air above her head stir with the force of his swing.  She made a mental note  _ not _ to let him land a hit.  She swung back, he blocked.  He swung, she dodged. They continued this around the mat for several minutes.  She dodged a swing and swung again. He deflected her punch this time and yanked her in close.  His other fist swung up and into her abdomen. She flinched, expecting pain to explode from the hit.  However, he stopped just short and flicked her instead. She blinked at him.

“What?  Did you think I’d really break your ribs during a simple spar?”

“No…” She hedged, his look made her sigh.  “Okay, maybe a little. But it’s not like I’ve not been injured during a spar before.”

“Hn.” He grunted and stepped back.  “Well, I’d rather not deal with your sister after breaking you.”

Shaw snorted as she retreated another step.

“Is it just  _ us _ that wind up on the mats in compromising positions, Shepard?” Garrus asked, his dual tone sounded almost disappointed.

“Guess so.” Jane smirked back at him.

Cullen suddenly looked like he was about to blush.  He coughed and looked away, rubbing his neck. “I should...go.”  He dipped his head in a near bow to Shaw and Jane before he turned and walked from the cargo bay.  He didn’t even grab his jacket. 

Shaw shot Jane a scathing glare before she walked to her boots and shoved them on.  She snagged Cullen’s jacket from the console and followed after him. She punched the elevator button and waited for it to come back down.  She stepped inside and rode it up to the crew deck. She passed the men’s room and heard the shower running in there. She put two and two together.  She walked into their room and folded his jacket as nicely as she could and laid it on his bed. She decided to grab some food. She heated up a basic packaged meal.  Eating it, she stared off into space. Once finished, she cleaned up. She dropped by the room to pick up her datapad and found a quiet corner in the Life Support bay.  She curled up on the floor and picked up where she’d left off on a novel. 

…..

Cullen stood under the cold spray.  Leaning on the wall of the shower, he let the water flood over his head and down the sides of his face.  He stared at the floor. He knew what Shepard’s game was. So why did he still play? He cursed himself. It was nearly eleven months since he’d lost Evelyn.  Everyone, really. Even though that strange dream had basically excused his growing attraction to Shaw, he knew it was far too soon for her. It had been nearly six months since she lost Jay.  And then to add to  _ that _ , finding out he’d not been faithful to her?  Cullen’s teeth clenched before he punched the wall.  The metal, fortunately and unfortunately, did not bend under his force.  He pushed back and turned the water off. He probably overused his shower time.  He didn’t find it in himself to care too much right then. He flexed his protesting hand.  He toweled off, shoving his jeans back on. He threw his shirt over his shoulder and stepped out, moving back to the room.  He tossed the dirty one aside, into the dirty clothes hamper. He grabbed a clean shirt, shrugging it on. He flopped onto his bed.

He draped his arm over his face and released a tired sigh.  His hand still throbbed from his unkind treatment with the shower wall just before.  His left hand grasped his datapad and flicked it on. He sifted through the stories he’d already read.  Something caught his eye. He tapped it and stared at it dubiously. It’s summary was a romance. He groaned dismally before he tapped it open.  He began to read. 

He wasn’t aware of how much time flew by.  The story was an easy one to read at least.  It wasn’t enthralling and honestly it barely kept his mind from wandering.  The only parts he could really enjoy were the fighting. He reached the end and scoffed at the cheesy close.  He looked up as the door to the bedroom opened. Shaw walked in, rubbing her lower back. She caught his curious glance.

“Oh...you’re still awake?”

“I was reading.” Why the bloody void did he feel like he should hide his datapad so she couldn’t see it?  “You seem surprised.”

“It’s late.” She shrugged as she kicked off her boots and tucked her datapad under her bed.  “Figured you’d be asleep.”

He flicked his datapad off and set it under his own bed as well.  “I suppose I lost track of time.”

“That good of a read, huh?”

Cullen froze.  He looked over at her, she looked up at him for his silence.  “It wasn’t good.”

“Then why’d you read it?” She laughed then, shaking her head.

“Passing time?” He answered as though unsure himself.  

“What was it?”

Shit.  “Uh...something about two warriors caught on a strange world.  I didn’t catch the title.”

“...oh?  Your datapad should have it backlogged in the history.”

“It’s not important.”

“It’s really easy to find, Cul--”

“Does it matter?” He snapped back, feeling his face heat in embarrassment.  She studied him before she suddenly grinned.

“Ooooh, was it smutty?”

“W-what?!  No!”

She laughed, “oh, now I’m sure it  _ was _ !”

“No!  It wasn’t raunchy!  It was...stupid.” He sighed, giving up.  “The plot was terrible. The romance unbelievable.  And then they both were truly idiots. Neither were worth being called any title but rookie.  If that.”

“Oh!  I know what you’re talking about!  It’s called  _ Longing for Port _ .  Oh geeze.  That was such a disappointment.  With a name like that you’d think it’d at least be a good porn without plot.  But noooo...it was all this useless prattle about love and feelings and ugh…”

“A  _ what _ again?”

“Porn without plot?”

“Yes.  That. What the void does  _ that _ mean?”

Shaw stared at him in surprise.  “I can’t believe I never explained what that is…”

He stared back at her.  “No, you did not cover that term.”

“Um...it’s...sex.  Explicitly written or video taped.”

“People videotape it?!”

“Yes.  Often, actually.” Shaw chuckled at his expense.

“I...what?!  That’s not meant for...it’s supposed to be…” He was rather flustered suddenly.  Shaw’s giggling didn’t help. He glared at her. “You are taking far too much glee in my horrified discomfort.”

“How can I not?!  You look  _ so _ appalled!” 

Cullen turned and flopped down on his bed, purposefully putting his back to her.  “Goodnight, Shaw.”

Her giggles continued.  He ignored her and the sound of her shifting to lay down was the only other sound besides her mirth.  “Goodnight, Cul.”

Knowing she still had her usual routine of fluffing her pillow and straightening her blankets, he decided to be a  _ little _ spiteful.  He used his omnitool to shut the lights off.  She made a sound of annoyance. He smirked. She’d stopped giggling.  That was enough for him.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something about sparring seems kinda like a version of foreplay whenever I imagine soldiers or fighters edging around romantic feelings. I blame it on the whole "reach and flexibility" talks in Mass Effect 2.


	14. Chapter 14

**Sealed With a Kiss**

* * *

Illium was busy yet also fairly empty as well.  It was such a strange sight. A twang of remorse hummed through Shaw as she walked alongside Jane through the market floor.  She’d only been here once. It was...well, ridiculously busy then. Now? It was definitely not as full. She glanced at Jane and Liara.  Liara shook her head before she found what she was looking for. The asari set to work securing whatever they needed. Jane nodded at Shaw for them to give Liara space.  They walked further from where their friend was busy talking. Sitting down, Shaw looked out over the corridor.

“Our travel back down to the Apien Crest cluster is going to take around a month.”

Shaw looked over at Jane as she spoke.  “First we have to find this mercenary base.”

“Yeah.  Then refuel and head on.”

“I’m more...tentative about the distance from Palaven to Virmire.  And whether or not there’ll even be places to refuel from there.” Shaw clasped her hands together, leaning her elbows on her knees.  

“At least Palaven isn’t too far from Earth, travel time wise.  It should only take us around a week to get back to Earth and refuel there if we have to.  But once we reach Virmire, that’s where the game changes.”

“Virmire is where you lost your crewman, Lieutenant Alenko, wasn’t it?”

Jane flinched and sighed, closing her eyes.  “Yeah.”

“Were you two close?”

“...yes and no.  We were friends. He always wanted more but I…” She shook her head.  “I couldn’t.”

“How long have you and Vakarian been together?”

“...hm…” Jane smirked, looking at her.  “When did I start feeling more than friendship with him, you mean?”

“Well, there is that, yeah.”

Jane chuckled before she shrugged.  “You know, I really can’t say. I guess two, three years?  Maybe four? He and I clicked in a way I’d never felt with anyone else.  He always has my six. No matter what from the get go. He has a knack of always just fluidly matching my pace in battle.  I guess it kind of just...happened. When I was taking on Collectors, it just seemed like it was just  _ right _ .”

Shaw frowned at her hands.  “What does  _ right  _ even feel like?”

“Like breathing for the first time in years after holding it, waiting for the next shoe to drop.”  Shaw looked up at her sister. Jane looked back at her. “You never felt  _ right _ with Jay.  And don’t try to argue with me.”

“I’m starting to realize that.  Now. They do say hindsight is twenty/twenty.”

“Sure as hell is.” Jane lightly smacked Shaw’s shoulder and stood.  “Come on. Liara’s got that look. She got what she wanted.”

Liara met them halfway and nodded her head.  They turned to head back to the Normandy. They were on their way in less than half an hour after.  The planet they got information on was an eery grey-blue color. Lightning raced around the atmosphere.  Shepard, Shaw, Cullen, and Garrus were all armored up and equipped as they prepped to embark the shuttle.  

“Remember Shepard, they might shoot first ask later.  You’ll need to find a way to get to the leader and speak on Aria’s behalf on the deal.”  Liara spoke as she stood back by the elevator. “Also try to find  _ any _ information drives you can and download them for me.”

“You got it.” Shepard nodded.  They climbed onto the shuttle and Liara stepped back into the elevator.  Alvarez fired up the shuttle and eased it out of the docking hanger of Normandy and began to fly down planetside.  The base was five clicks away. Shepard got her shotgun ready. Garrus was looking over his sniper as Cullen had his battle rifle out.  Shaw checked over her pistol first before she checked her Scorpion as well. “Alright. Shaw, Rutherford, you two take the left side of the base.  Whatever you do, try not to engage them unless I signal first. If they shoot first, shoot back. Look out for anything that might kill the deal. Aria wants her throne back.  I want Aria’s ears. So we get her mercenary alliances back, we get all her info. Simple and hard as that. If you see  _ any  _ red sand or questionable shit, deal’s off and let me know pronto.”

“Got it.” Shaw said, holstering her Scorpion.  “So stay out of sight unless needed.”

“Exactly.  But I want a real look at this place and what we’ve got.”

Cullen nodded beside her.  The perpetual rain outside the shuttle was roaring against the walls of the small vessel.  Alvarez swung around, still off radar. 

“This is as close as I can get without being detected, Commander.”

“Good enough.” Shepard nodded to Shaw and Cullen.  Shaw got up and jumped out onto the platform below.  She rolled with the fall and moved to her feet. Cullen followed her.  The shuttle moved on. 

Shaw glanced at Cullen.  “Ready?”

“Let’s go.” He answered.  They quickly made for cover.  Shaw found a side entry door and hacked it.  Cullen watched their surroundings until she was through.  They slipped out of the rain into the compound. She immediately saw several consoles.  

“Ooh, someone left me goodies.” She scanned the room before she holstered her pistol and began hacking the computers.  She snickered darkly. “Whoever built this firewall was a damned amateur.”

Cullen stood behind her, facing the rest of the room.  “That’s a good thing, I’m assuming.”

“Good for me, yes.”

She could hear the smirk in his tone.  “But not for them.”

“Nope!” She answered a bit too cheerily.  She hit the payload. She got through to a few lists of trades they were running.  “They’re trading with colonies.”

Cullen glanced over his shoulder at her.  “You sound surprised.”

“Uh, yeah.  That means there  _ are _ colonies left alive out there.  This means the Reapers didn’t destroy  _ everything _ .” She started going through the lists.  She frowned as ages started to look rather similar.  “That’s not good. There are a lot of kids on this list.  I need to get down to the cargo bays. I need to see if I’m right about something.”

Cullen nodded.  They heard a door open.  Shaw swore and they darted to the door they came in from.  They slipped outside. She looked around. The door beside them started to activate.  Cullen grabbed her. He pulled her to the left and crammed her behind a set of crates and into a tiny divet in the building’s wall.  He shoved himself into the tight space with her. The rain pelted them as they waited with baited breath. 

“What the hell?” A voice came from back closer to the door.  “I could have sworn I locked this. Shit. Gotta be more careful or Carver will have my balls.”

Shaw winced as Cullen’s thigh piece was digging into her outer hip.  He glanced at her and shifted. His thigh piece caught on her armor before it slipped suddenly and his leg was then pressed rather tightly between her thighs.  Her eyes widened. Cullen froze. The smell of smoke wafted over to them. The damn merc was taking a  _ smoke _ break.  Her armor kept her from really  _ feeling _ his thigh, but that didn’t change the fact that they were rather closely wedged together.  

Amber met hazel.  Several raindrops rolled down her face.  In their haste to leave the room neither had thought to put their helmets back on.  She could see that this situation was affecting them both. Cullen’s eyes lowered to her lips where her breath kept coming in short puffs.  Like some kind of magnet, they leaned toward one another. Their lips met. The first touch was electric and ignited the flame. Their mouths were suddenly slanted and moving with a  _ completely _ non-innocent intent.  Shaw’s hands slid up his chest plate, his hands grabbed her hips, pulling her closer if possible.  She barely remembered to muffle her sound of approval. The butt of a hand rolled cigarette bounced off the wall just to the left of Cullen’s shoulder.  They paused and pulled back enough to breathe as the door reactivated as the merc left at last. 

Sudden, crushing guilt slammed down on her.  What the hell was she thinking? Sucking face with her teammate while on a mission?  She looked away and awkwardly shuffled out from the tight space. She quickly shoved her helmet back on.  She heard Cullen step up behind her and heard him clip his helmet back on as well.

“I need to get to the cargo bay.” She uttered and started to walk away.  

…..

Dropping topside, Jane and Garrus both noted how empty it was.  They exchanged a look. Garrus kept his trigger finger at the ready.  Jane sighed, shaking her head. Never easy. She started ahead, also resting her right finger beside the shotgun trigger.  Her biotics hummed in the back of her mind as she kept herself at the ready. Her left hand trembled just barely enough to bug her as she tried to grip her Katana shotgun.  Her limp in her right leg was probably hardly noticeable to anyone else. But she  _ felt _ it.  It made her feel both angry and relieved to be alive.  She moved into the facility and raised her barrel, sweeping the area as she pressed forward.  She paused at a door. Garrus knelt down and began to hack it. 

“This seem a bit too...quiet to you?”

Garrus scoffed, “you think?  This just screams trap.”

“Yeah.” Jane narrowed her eyes as the door slid open.  “I don’t like it.”

Garrus rose swiftly, eying her.  “Yet here we are.”

She stepped through and quickly positioned herself with something between her and the open room.  Garrus did the same on the opposite side of her. Movement below the walkway that circled the room drew both of their attention.  Several armored bodies milled around. It wasn’t that there were mercs there so much as  _ what _ was on their armor.

“Uh, Shepard…?”

“I see it.” Jane hissed.

“That’s not good.”

“No.  No it’s not.” Jane growled, “Cerberus.  Damn.”

“I thought it crumbled after the War ended.”

“Yeah, imagine how I feel.  I  _ watched _ the Illusive Man die.” Jane ground her teeth, she hit her comm.  “Shaw, Rutherford, come in.”

Static answered.  Jane looked over at Garrus.  He returned her look. She tried once more.  “Shaw, come in, damnit.”

More static.  

“Shit.” Jane cocked her shotgun.  “Let’s take these assholes out and find my sister.”

Garrus put his scope up to his eye.  “Say when.”

“ _ When _ .”

The unique sound of a sniper round firing was like music to her ears.  The Cerberus agent dropping was practically art. She did a biotic throw, enjoying the way the blue attack exploded along the ground in a trail until it threw two off their feet.  Garrus sniped each of them. They took opposing sides around the walkway, taking out every single one of the Cerberus assholes they spotted. They found a lift down and lowered to the next floor, moving further into the facility.  

…..

“Shit!” Shaw swore causing Cullen to look over at her.  “Comms are down. Something is dampening them. We need to find that and shut it down.”

“What would it look like?” Cullen asked, pushing aside his confusion over their earlier exchange.  Shaw sighed. 

“Um, like a pillar.  A small one. Lit up and with spinning parts?  A jammer isn’t  _ too _ hard to spot.  Usually, it’s being guarded.”

“Understood.” Cullen nodded and continued following her deeper down into the underbelly of the compound.  Shaw continued to hack her way through doors. “Shaw.”

She didn’t look at him.  “What?”

“What do you suspect is going on here?”

Shaw paused and turned to look at him finally.  Her visor was over her eyes but it still showed her obvious discomfort.  “Mercs dealing with a list of  _ kids _ ...never bodes well.  At best, they’re paying parents for safe transit to someplace.  At worst? They’re being traded.”

“Slaves.” Cullen stated, grinding his teeth at the thought.  

“Yes and no.  More than likely trades for either military purposes, drug testing, sex trafficking, or experimentation.”

“None of those are good options.”

“No.  That’s why I need to see if there are kid  _ here _ .  If there  _ are _ , I  _ have  _ to get them out.”

“ _ We _ will.” Cullen readied his rifle.  They heard gunfire from somewhere in the distance.  

Shaw looked up.  “Jane. Guess negotiations went south.  I’ll take that as a sign.” The door opened and Cullen followed Shaw inside.  

They were all of five steps in before they had to dive for cover.  A huge human-like machine rose up and began to pelt their cover with rapid firing guns.  Shaw spat out a litany of very colorful verbiage. Cullen was almost impressed. The clearest thing he picked out of her speech was,  _ ‘fucking Atlas dick’. _

Cullen saw an opportunity rise and dove, sliding for the next cover.  Shaw watched him, obviously not happy with him for taking the risk. He ignored her glare.  He slowly inched toward the side and scanned for another opening. He spotted and waited for the Atlas to take yet another break.  He made for the next cover. A loud explosive sounded. He slid behind a pillar and glanced back to see that Shaw had thrown an incendiary tech explosive to distract the giant machine.  He could see the pilot from where he stood. If he could get behind it... 

Shaw met his gaze from across the field.  As though reading his thoughts, she nodded to him and jumped up running the opposite direction, diving for cover right as the thing shot a fucking huge round at her that reminded him of what a keg of gatlock powder going off was like.  But, the Atlas turned toward her. Giving him clear view of its back. He clipped his rifle to his back and flicked out his omniblade. He ran at the Atlas’ back and leapt up onto it. The pilot looked up at him then. Cullen slammed the omniblade into the wires and cords that ran along the back of the machine.  Like a spine, he severed the wires. The Atlas seemed to lock down. 

“GET OFF IT!!” Shaw screamed at him.  

It began to beep.  The pilot started to freak out and try to scramble out.  Cullen took that as a sign. He jumped backward off it and sprinted for his last cover.  He barely slid behind when the Atlas exploded. He felt the heat wave from it race past. His arm, however, hadn’t gotten behind cover fast enough.  He grunted loudly as shrapnel clipped his upper arm. It tore through his armor and sliced into his arm. He could feel his undersuit pumping the medi-gel out into the wound.  The pain ebbed quickly and he got up, stepping out as Shaw slammed into him. He stumbled back a step as she threw her arms around him.

“I thought you were--I thought you got thrown…”

Cullen laughed, shaking his head.  “No, but I might’ve if you hadn’t screamed at me.”

“Yeah, well, blown up Cullen is  _ not _ on my to do list.” She sighed, stepping back.  “You good?”

“Better than good.  Let’s keep going. We have something to destroy and something to check.”

“Yeah, we do.” She agreed, turning and starting away.  “This douche was Cerberus.” She paused to kick the dead pilot that didn’t clear the explosion.  

“I’ll have to ask the significance of that later.”

They pushed forward into the next area.  After facing the Atlas, some lesser soldiers with guns seemed rather easy to take down.  Shaw pointed out a device at the back of the room. It was, in fact, a small pillar like structure that sat on a table-like thing.  It glowed. 

“That’s the jammer.”

They were almost to it when two more Atlas’ stepped into the room from both sides.  Shaw turned and shot the jammer. It made a buzzing sound and went up with a blue and red electrical explosion.  Cullen turned as Shaw did. They pressed their backs together. The only cover they could take would put one or the other still in the line of fire.  

“Shaw!  Goddamnit, kid!  Answer me!”

Shaw answered the comm, “Jane!  We took out a jammer, these guys are--”

“Cerberus!  I know! Where are you?”

“Fucked?” Shaw answered, both Atlas powered up their guns.

“Oh, I see you.” Jane’s voice over the comm was suddenly deadly calm.  “Duck.”

Shaw glanced over her shoulder at her partner and he back.  They both hit the deck as bullets rained from above. The first Atlas became riddled quickly before it started to shake and give off the warning beeping.  Chunks of mech, probably pilot, and burning debris launched around before a rocket from above hit the second one causing it to do the same seconds later. Cullen grunted as he pushed himself up, ignoring the angry pain in his arm.  Shaw climbed up next. They both looked up at a walkway around to see another Atlas up there. Jane jumped out and nodded to them. 

“We’ve got to find another way down.  No lift here.” Jane said down to them.

“They’ve got a shipping manifold of kids, Jane.”

Garrus stepped out from a side cover, popping out the heat sink on his own rifle.  “That’s never a good sign.”

“No.” Jane’s face was dark with promise of retribution.  “Let’s find the cargo bay and cripple this operation.”

“With you.” Shaw looked at Cullen.  

“Right behind you.” He answered without hesitation.  

* * *

 

****  
  



	15. Holiday Hiatus Announcement

Ah!  I'm so sorry for the delay here!  I'm not dead, I'm not done, and this is not forgotten. 

 

As I'm the mommy of two little ones both under five, we're focusing on creating memories and instilling the magic of Christmas in them.  As is, my nearly 4 year old daughter is practically bursting at the seems with excitement.  My nearly 2 year old son is blindly joyful without  _quite_ getting why just yet.

 

Thank you for your patience and I wish you all the best of whatever holiday you celebrate this season!  Much love, Amdel.

 

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiatus over. Had a WONDERFUL holiday season with my family. We made so many beautiful memories and even started some planning for the next few years ahead. We also finished our first book of our original series we're working on. So high hopes for that! 
> 
> Due to the fact that I took pretty much an entire month off, I'll be updating this fiction with three chapters for you all. Hope you lovelies all had a great holidays as well!

**Eezo Effect**

The cargo bay was probably the densest area of the Cerberus agents.  Thankfully there was only around ten of them. After taking them out, the four moved into the area.  There were three large storage crates. Jane approached the first and Shaw the second. The moment Shaw opened the one she’d approached, she watched Cullen literally recoil and retreat several steps.  She looked at him, as did Jane and Garrus. She was just about to ask what was wrong when he snarled.

“ _ What the hell is that? _ ” 

Shaw frowned, then she  _ felt it _ .  Eezo.  The tingling, instant crawling sensation over one’s flesh.  She stepped back. “Shit. Jane, they’ve been pumping these kids with Eezo!”

Jane growled and wrenched the storage crate open.  Shaw peered inside. The stench of death was instant.  She held her breath and shone a light into the storage crate.  So...so many dead little bodies. Something inside of her shifted.  She felt raw fury build inside of her. She slammed the door shut and moved for the third crate.  She yanked the doors open and was instantly thrown backward by a uncontrolled biotic push. She hit the floor with a loud  _ thwack _ ; her helmet the  _ only _ thing keeping her head from cracking open.  Jane moved quickly to block with a barrier. 

“Hey, hey, hey!  Stop! We’re not with the assholes who hurt you!”

Shaw rolled to her side, shaking her head to clear her vision.  The impact had clacked her teeth together. She was being lifted by her arm and she looked up at Cullen.  His jaw was tight with obvious displeasure. He checked her over before he looked in her eyes.

“You alright?”

“Yeah.  Just disoriented.” Shaw bent slightly to grab her knees as Jane calmed the surviving kid down.  “Jane, are they okay?”

Jane looked over as the kid stepped out, barely clothed in anything but torn and shredded scraps of clothing.  “Besides starved, no obvious visible injuries.  _ You _ okay?”

“I’ll be fine.  Hey, kid. Nice push.” Shaw smirked at the young boy who looked at her like he was afraid she’d suddenly shoot him.

“I-I’m s-sorry.”

“Naw, don’t worry about it.  You’re scared. I probably scared the crap out of you, huh?”

He nodded and looked at his bare feet. 

“Come on.  We’ll get you some food and have our doctor check you over.  You’re safe now. Jane right there, that’s Commander Shepard.  The one who saved the galaxy from the Reapers. You’re in good hands.”

The boy’s head snapped up and looked at Jane.  Jane shot her a very annoyed glare. “R-really?  S-so you really  _ are _ good guys?”

Jane snorted, “we try.”

“C-can you take me h-home?”

“Where’s home, kid?” Jane asked as she jerked her chin toward Garrus.  The boy followed her as they walked toward where Garrus, Shaw, and Cullen stood.  

“Amun.  O-our colony is of s-survivors who escaped in time.”

“Gotcha.  So just a system over, huh?” Jane nodded, “we’ll get you home.  And check in on the colony. Were there any others here from your colony?”

“Sunny.  Bu-but she...she was the first one to d-die.”

Jane tapped her comm.  “Alvarez, we’re ready for dust off.  We’re down in the lower cargo docks.”

A few minutes ticked by before the shuttle flew down and settled in the open area under the rain.  Cullen took off his helmet and handed it to the kid. The kid looked up at him. 

Cullen smiled at the boy.  “You’re a tough man.”

The kid suddenly smiled brightly.  “Y-yeah?”

“I should say so.” Cullen nodded at him.  “Take it. You need it more than I right now.”

The kid grinned and put the too-big helmet on his head.  He walked after Jane and Garrus. Shaw stayed back to look at Cullen.  

“You big softy.” She smirked and bumped him with her shoulder.  He looked down at her.

Cullen snorted at her.  “Whatever you say, ragdoll.”

“Ragdoll?!”

“You flew like one.” He snickered and walked away.  Shaw stared after him, trying to form words to fling at him in retort.  Instead she snapped her mouth shut and chose to just growl incoherently at him as she stormed behind him.

…..

They settled the kid in the life support area with a cot.  They’d gotten a name out of him at last. Or, Cullen had. He simply looked at the boy and asked.  The boy had looked taken aback before he’d said his name was Lucas. Lucas had then asked Cullen a few questions, like how long he’d been a soldier.  Cullen couldn’t help it. The boy reminded him of a time that seemed so long ago. He’d leaned forward to talk to the boy. He’d told him of how he’d joined the military when he was thirteen and trained hard to get to where he was.  The boy ate up every word eagerly with bright eyes. By the time they’d gotten him settled in with Dr. Chakwas, Cullen felt like he’d nearly told his life story. Well, the summarized version without all the details about magic, mages, templars, and Thedas in general.  

He stepped out of the med-bay and was just about to walk to his room to clean and bandage his arm when he heard the door open behind him.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Chakwas spoke.  

He turned and looked at her with a creased brow.  “Pardon?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, young man.” Chakwas crossed her arms and glared him down.  She looked pointedly at the wound he’d carefully concealed. “I’ve spent decades sewing up stubborn soldiers like you.  Don’t think for a moment that I couldn’t tell you were injured.”

Cullen stiffened.  Maker, did she sound like his mother when he was caught red-handed.  He raised his uninjured arm to rub his neck. “I, er, it’s nothing really.  I’ve had much worse before--”

“Get in here before I tranquilize you and drag you back.”

Cullen saw that she  _ meant  _ her threat.  He swallowed and dipped his head in shame.  He followed her back in like a properly scolded child and hopped up onto the other operating table.  Lucas looked at him confused. 

Chakwas stepped up and motioned at him.  “Shirt off, Rutherford.”

Cullen glared at his feet, complying with stiff movements.  She made a sound of annoyance. “It’s really not that bad.”

“You’re an idiot if you believe that.” Chakwas chastised, moving to clean the jagged wound.  “You’re damned lucky I noticed this. This is  _ begging _ for an infection.  Especially after being in that rain down there.  Do you have  _ any _ idea what kind of bacteria and contaminants are in that atmosphere, pouring down in that same rain?”

“Er...a lot…?”

Chakwas glared up at him.  “Don’t get cheeky with me.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Lucas giggled and turned to look away.  

Cullen shot him a look.  “I’m glad you find my torture amusing, Lucas.”

Lucas turned fully to stifle his continued amusement with both hands.  Cullen couldn’t help the smirk that grew on his face. He jolted and hissed looking back as Chakwas started  _ really _ cleaning his wound.  He gripped the edge of the infirmary bed until his knuckles bled white.  She finished up with that process and started to suture the wound. Several long minutes passed before she spread a bit of medi-gel over the stitches and then wrapped a bandage around his upper arm.

“Try not to open the stitches, Rutherford.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“You’re free to go.”

Cullen hopped down and grabbed his shirt.  He paused by Lucas and reached up to ruffled the kid’s hair.  “Be a better sport than I for the good doctor.”

“Yes, sir.” Lucas smiled back and nodded.  Cullen walked out of the med-bay and started to shrug his shirt back on.  A loud clatter came from the mess. He glanced over as he settled his shirt hem back down.  

Shaw cursed and bent to pick up a spilled mug and began cleaning up what he’d come to know as coffee.  Jane, sitting at the table, snickered rather loudly. Cullen frowned, quirking a brow. He crossed to the kitchen, kneeling to help her clean up.  “You alright?”

She looked up at him, glaring  _ at _ him.  “I’m  _ fine _ , thank you.”

He looked up at her sharp tone, trying to figure out what the hell was her problem.  Then he saw her flushed face. It only took him three seconds to put two and two together.  A slow grin spread on his face. She suddenly looked down and hurriedly continued to clean up.

“ _ Really _ now?” He asked, keeping his voice low so only she heard him.  

“Go away.” She tried to hiss but it came out a little too light and breathy to really have any force.  He chuckled and stood. He tossed the small towel he’d grabbed to help her into the sink. He grabbed a glass of water and decided to leave the teasing at that for now.  He walked away. He took a seat at the large table. Jane held her hand up to him. He stared at her hand, confused. 

“It’s a high five.” Jane explained.  “Hit your open hand on mine like this.”

He lifted his hand and did as she said.  Garrus rolled his eyes. “I had to learn this too.”

“Hey, it’s a congratulatory gesture!” Jane defending, dropping her hand.  “I haven’t seen Shaw get so flustered in a long time.”

“I’m  _ not _ flustered!” Shaw blurted from the kitchen.  

Jane laughed then.  “Riiiight.”

Shaw threw one of the coffee drenched towels at Jane.  Jane made a sound of disgust as the wet fabric slapped the side of her face and head.  Jane stood quickly and ran at Shaw. Shaw made a squeaking sound and took off, fleeing from her sister.  They rounded the hallway out of sight. All the two males could hear was the sound of a shrill shriek followed by Jane cackling loudly and victoriously.  

Garrus sighed, shaking his head.  “That sound is always terrifying.”

“That sounded almost evil.” Cullen looked dubiously toward where the women had disappeared to.

“You’re not wrong.” Garrus chuckled.  

Cullen drummed his fingers on the table, looking over at Garrus.  “What happened to those kids?”

Garrus grunted, setting his glass down.  “Looks like Cerberus was trying to make more super biotics.  Jack is going to be pissed.”

Deciding to ask about this Jack later, Cullen shifted in his seat.  “That...stuff, Eezo? Where do you find it?”

Garrus stared at him before he made a sound in his alien way.  “Ah, that’s right. You’re not  _ from around here _ .  It’s a substance that pretty much is resulted from a star going supernova.  When charged with positive electricity, it emits dark matter. Which is what this ship runs off of.  When hit with negative electric currents, it reverses. Also, ground down into a really fine dust, it can enhance a biotic’s abilities.  It’s been ‘accidentally’ introduced to kids in utero to ‘boost the potential’ of them developing biotic abilities naturally. What Cerberus was doing there, was pumping the kids full of the shit.  Looks like of the dozens they had there, only one of ‘em survived. Probably the only real biotic among them.”

“Ground down to a fine dust…” Cullen repeated, raising his hands to his face.  “It’s fucking lyrium.”

“What?  What’s lyrium?”

“It’s basically exactly what you just said but from my home.  It’s mined in veins throughout the entire planet. Except, there’s one difference I could feel.  It didn’t...hum. Otherwise, you have lyrium here too. What else is similar?”

Garrus rose a brow plate.  “You have biotics?”

“No.  Mages.  And they used lyrium as well to amplify their magic.” Cullen dropped his hands, shaking his head numbly.  “I can’t even fully comprehend this right now.”

“Mages, huh?  That’s...I don’t know if I’d say interesting or scary.  Probably scary. Always safest to bet on scary.”

Cullen couldn’t help the dry chuckle of amusement.  “Depended on the mage.”

“Yeah?  I’ll bet.  Biotics can be scary too.”

“How many biotics blow up entire giant church buildings?”

“...you know...I’m sure I could find  _ one _ who’d be willing to try…”

“I  _ knew _ a mage  _ who did. _  With all the faithful followers within.”

“Damn.”

“Yes, damn.” Cullen agreed.

“What, were they denied entry or something?” Garrus asked half-jokingly.

“No.  He simply believed they were...unjust.  And blew them up with magic. He actually incited a war.  Not that it wasn’t a long time brewing. Mages have never been held very high in esteem due to their...potentiality for disaster.”

“Biotics among turians are rare and often times...mistreated.  They are relegated to a special unit called the Cabals.”

“Do they ever rebel?” Cullen asked, rolling his glass between his hands.  

“Rebel?  No. But they certainly don’t have much faith in the rest of the turian populace.  And I can’t really blame them.” Garrus shrugged. “Kind of hard to integrate into a society that looks at you with distrust and wariness.”

Cullen frowned, pausing his motions.  “No, I imagine not. Which is probably why mages rebelled so harshly.  I was once a templar. The unit made to  _ contain _ them.  We were told pretty lies, of course.  We were there to watch over them, protect them even from themselves, and we were there to protect the greater good.  And to the greater extent of things, we  _ did _ .  But we also were fed the untruths about how mages weren’t people.  Not really. Until one bad instance, one bad harrowing, makes one believe it’s true.  No human would hold such power. But, as usual...we were wrong.”

“Sounds like a bunch of soldiers just following orders to me.”

“Wish it were that simple.” Cullen smiled ruefully.  “Many of us were not simply following orders.”

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned is a damn universal truth,” Garrus leaned his elbows on the table, “is that nothing is cut and dry.  Nothing is just right or just wrong. There are grey areas all over the place. It’s up to us to figure out how to navigate the grey areas and decide where our morals lie in the scheme of things.”

Cullen didn’t know what to say.  In all of his life, he’d really only known what was considered right and what was considered wrong.  When his thinking had been challenged, it had been to be told the other side was right. He sat back, looking at the turian across from him.  “That is the wisest thing I’ve ever been told.”

“Ha!  I’m not sure if I should be frightened about that or flattered.” Garrus chuckled and looked up as Jane rounded the corner looking smugly victorious.  “Ah, she returns.”

Jane grinned broadly.  “Did you doubt me, Vakarian?”

“Not for a second, Shepard.”

Cullen rolled his eyes, taking another sip of water after a snicker.  


	17. Chapter 17

**Dancing With the Devils**

Cold, wet coffee towels were  _ not _ meant to be shoved down one’s back.  Shaw was rather peeved at how soaked her shirt was on the back.  Jane didn’t just shove the towel under her shirt, no. She’d  _ tackled _ Shaw to the floor, pinned her, and  _ then _ shoved the cold, wet towel down her shirt.  Shaw ducked into her room to change her shirt and bra.  She flicked the damp articles into the hamper with a grouse.  

“Asshole.” She grumbled to herself as she picked out a clean bra, clipping it on.  She shrugged on a clean shirt. She’d been caught off guard by the sight of Cullen half dressed, walking out of the infirmary.  To say she was a bit...embarrassed at being caught when she  _ dropped her mug _ , was an understatement.  Shaw wasn’t a prude nor had she lived under a rock.  She was a hot-blooded woman just like the next. So when such a  _ really nice _ specimen of the male physique was so beautifully presented?  What the hell was she supposed to do?

“Not drop your cup like a fucking green-leaf idiot.” She sighed at herself.  She couldn’t tell what was more mortifying. The fact she’d blatantly announced her ogling to  _ Jane _ and  _ Garrus _ by losing her ability to hold a cup?  Or the fact that Cullen had put two and two together far more quickly than she cared to admit?  She flopped onto her bed, covering her face with her hands. “Shit.”

There was no way she could exactly  _ deny _ an attraction to him now.  But, if she was being honest with herself, there’d been a growing attraction for quite some time.  The physical attraction was one thing, yeah. However, the emotional attraction had been there. She dropped her hands.  She could still feel the way he’d pulled her hips forward as their kiss had deepened. She’d nearly lost control of herself there.  The fact they were on a mission and she’d allowed herself to get so distracted…? That rankled her. She was professional. She wasn’t some teenager stealing heated kisses in a back locker room.  So what the hell was she doing? Was it only a physical thing for him? She couldn’t blame him. It’d been damn close to a year since he’d lost his love and going so long without a sexual release was probably nearly painful for him.  She sighed, flicking off lint from her pants. Did she dare even offer the simple comforts of the body knowing it could be only a one-sided thing? 

“I’m an idiot.” She spoke to the empty room.  She stared at the stars zipping by. A ping from her omnitool made her jump slightly.  She growled at herself. Shaw checked the message and stood. 

She met Jane in the conference room along with the others.  Jane hit the comm button. 

“Go ahead, Doc.”

“Your suspicions were warranted, Shepard.  Lucas has a natural affinity toward being a biotic.  The overexposure to element zero, however, has had a rather nasty adverse effect on the poor boy.  It appears the amp they placed in him had been overused and even fried in several locations. It’s something that simply cannot be repaired.  That’s the good news.”

Shaw frowned, “ _ that’s _ the good news?”

Chakwas sighed sadly.  “Unfortunately, yes. The implant itself was...poorly inserted.  It fused in the wrong location. Removing it will kill the boy.”

Jane leaned on the table then, as though she needed the support.  “So, he either keeps a damaged amp that may slowly fry further with use and potentially hurt himself or others...or die by having it removed?”

“That is the conclusion.” Chakwas voiced.

Cullen shifted, “are there...any ways to negate biotics?  A way to clamp off or shut down the amp without damaging him further?”

Jane looked up at Cullen.  Shaw did as well. “That’s…”

“Never been done before that I know of.” Chakwas answered.  “But...there  _ could _ be some creedence to that idea.”

“Go for it, Doc.  If it would help, I give you the clear to try.”

“Alright, Shepard.  I’ll run some more diagnostics and then see what I can do then.”

The comm shut off.  Jane looked around. “My other reason for calling everyone here is that I’m planning to have us return the kid home.  While we’re there, contact the Alliance and update them on Cerberus’ movement in the Crescent Nebula. After we return him home, we head back to Illium, restock, refuel, and head on to Apien Crest.  If the next merc base is  _ another _ Cerberus compound, I’ll be having some words to share with our Mercenary Queen.”

“I highly doubt Aria T’Loak is working with Cerberus.” Liara interjected.

“I doubt it too.  But she’ll want to know, regardless.  If we are dealing with more Cerberus lackees, I want to know.  I also will need to gather as much data and info I can. I’m not letting those assholes rise up again.  Liara, can you start searching for any hints at another leader for Cerberus coming up?”

“I’ll get right on that, Shepard.”

“Good.  Let’s hope we can get a few steps ahead of them before they even realize who’s on their tail.” Jane dismissed everyone.  

Shaw waited out everyone else and punched Jane’s shoulder lightly.  Jane looked up at her, glaring while rubbing her shoulder. 

“What the hell was that for?”

“What aren’t you sharing?”

Jane snorted, looking away.  “Should’ve known  _ you _ would pick up on that.”

“Well?”

“...what if the lllusive Man also survived the Crucible?”

“You said you  _ saw _ him die, Jane.”

“Yeah?  Well, I  _ should _ have died too.  But I’m still here.”

“I’ve read you report.  He was mostly Reaper tech by the end.  You destroyed the Reapers and their tech with the Crucible.  Even the Geth fell. There’s no way he--”

“And if the  _ human _ part of him lived?  Maybe the circuits, or whatever the hell they used cybernetic wise to bring  _ me _ back knit  _ him _ back together?”

Shaw rolled her eyes.  “Don’t make me punch you again.   _ If _ , and only  _ if _ , he did survive, he’d be a drooling vegetable from all the indoctrination his mind went through.  I don’t think Cerberus is being headed up by the Illusive Man. Probably, if anything, it’s the remnants of the psycho, xenophobic jackasses who still believe that humanity should be the supreme race.”

“I hope you’re right.  I just...I feel like something bigger is about to happen.”

“Bigger than the Reapers?”

“...God, I hope not.” Jane sighed, rubbing her brow.  “But something  _ is _ building up here.”

“There’s always something else this galaxy needs saving from.” Shaw snorted, shrugging.  “Maybe it’s time to retire and make someone else be in charge for once?”

Jane laughed, “yeah?  You know, I’d love that.”

“Come on, you know Garrus is probably waiting to corner you with the same questions.”

“Oh probably.” Jane smirked, throwing her arm over Shaw’s shoulders.  They walked together back toward the elevators. “Glad you’re here, Shawny.”

“You know what?” Shaw looked up, feeling an odd sense of gentle happiness for once.  “I’m glad too, Jany.”

…..

Cullen was pleased when Chakwas found him later on that night cycle to inform him she’d found a way to shut down certain active components in Lucas’ amp that would react with strong emotional changes.  By the next morning, she’d accomplished her task. Lucas woke up and she had him test his amp a bit. It didn’t seem to cause him too much discomfort and also his biotic reactions were lesser in potency.  With many warnings and lectures, the boy was released from the infirmary and given his room in the life support room. Cullen needed a bit of a stretch of his muscles. He went to the cargo bay and saw Vega’s exercise setup.  He walked over to the area where the man was hanging out, working on cleaning his gun. 

“Oh, hey Curls.”

Cullen gave him a flat look.  What was it with the nicknames?  First Varric and Hawke, then Iron Bull, and now Vega?  “May I?” Cullen pointed to the work out equipment that he hardly recognized. 

“Yeah!  Go for it, man.”

Cullen inclined his head in thanks and walked over to the stuff.  He flicked open his omnitool and quickly watched a brief vid on how to use the different equipment.  Once familiar with the concept, he sat down on the bench press. Sliding under the bar, he settled his hands on the bar.

“Whoa, hey.  Here, let’s adjust the weight--”

“No need.” Cullen spoke as he slowly lifted the bar up and let it rest before pushing it up, holding it for a five count, releasing his breath and lowering it.  He continued this repetition. Vega stood back, eyebrows raised. 

“Damn.  And I thought only Scars and that krogan runt could bench the weight I do.”

Cullen settled the bar back, sitting up to breathe.  His breathing was a bit labored, but his muscles felt pleased at the burn.  “I’m used to prolonged weight upon my arms.”

“Yeah?  This some of that otherworldly shit Lola spoke to us about?  Like other galaxy level shit?”

“...yes.” Cullen nodded.  So, Shepard  _ had _ informed her entire crew.  He felt...better in a way. He didn’t have to hide here any longer.  “I was a warrior. Sword and shield plus heavy armor. My sword only weighed around two and a half kilograms.  My shield around nine kilograms, and then my armor weighed around fifty-four kilograms. I wore them all day long from my younger years and only barely let up a little of it as time went by.  You get used to heavy lifting after a bit. I could also always lift two times my weight with armor and all.”

Vega stared at him before he sat down.  “You telling me you wore over...what…? One hundred forty pounds  _ every day _ ?!  On  _ top _ of your usual shit?”

“Pounds?”

Vega waved his hand.  “Different numbers, same weight.  Damn, Curls! That’s...damn!”

Cullen smirked but shrugged.  “That,” he pointed to the pull up bar.  “What is that for?”

Vega grinned.  “I’ll show ya.”

Cullen stood and watched Vega grab it and pull up.  He began to do chin ups. Cullen nodded in understanding.  “Ah...pull ups. We used to have to do those upon wooden beams over the training fields.”

“Yeah?” Vega dropped down.  “You any good, Curls?”

Cullen’s eyes sparked with the challenge.  “Best among my group of trainees and even after.  Are  _ you _ ?”

“Ha!  You in for a bet?”

“What is the wager?”

“Winner gets free drinks on our next shore leave.”

Cullen smirked, “I believe I could handle that.”

“You’re on, Curls.  My best is two-hundred without stop.”

Cullen chuckled then.  “I’m afraid you’re about to be beat, Vega.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it, Curls!” 

Both men moved to each end of the long bar and pulled themselves up.  They started at the same point. With a nod, they began to do pull ups, counting them out as they did so.  Cullen didn’t even notice the cargo elevator doors opening as a few people shuffled in. They were rounding the hundred mark when Jane rounded the corner.

“Vega, are you busy--?” Jane stopped, raising her eyebrows.  “Oh damn.”

“Hundred and five.” Vega called out.  

Jane shook her head.  She tapped something out on her omnitool but Cullen didn’t pay any heed as they both pulled up once more.  She dropped her hands to her hips and grinned at the two men. “What’s the wager now, Vega?”

“Winner...free drinks...next shore leave.  Hundred and seven.”

Cullen called out the next number.  “He’s paying.” 

Vega laughed breathlessly, “yeah?  You think, Curls? We’ve only just past halfway!”

“And you’re straining.”

“You wish!”

“I see.” Cullen grinned over before he did the next one.  

“What did you ping me for?” Shaw stepped up next to Jane then.  Cullen nearly slipped. Vega laughed boisterously. 

“Almost lost it there, Curls!”

Cullen shot him a scathing look before he recovered the one he’d nearly lost.  “One hundred and twelve.”

Shaw fell quiet.  Cullen didn’t dare look at her.  They were getting into the higher numbers soon after and Cullen could feel a bit of the strain starting to get to him.  His muscles were quivering a bit. The familiar burn he’d forgotten about was there in his biceps as he lifted himself again.  Vega called out the hundred and ninety mark. Cullen was so close. So...damn...close. He chanced a glance at Shaw. Worse mistake he’d ever made.  The sight of the redhead watching him closely while Jane joked with her quietly where he couldn’t hear. It wasn’t the smirk toying at the edge of her lips, it wasn’t even the fact she was probably making commentary with Jane about the bet.  It was the way her hazel eyes were darkened as she focused on him intently. She flicked her gaze up to meet his eyes and he was done for. His muscles gave and he dropped down. Vega’s cry of victory came before the big man dropped down as well with a whooping cry, arms up in the air.

“Yeah!  Vega wins again!”

Cullen laughed, leaning his hands on his knees to catch his breath.  He could feel sweat gathering on himself. “I concede, I concede. Next time, I’ll beat you.”

“Haha!  I’ll take that bet again!  I’ll kick your ass at this again too!”

Cullen snorted and straightened.  A small hand towel appeared from his right.  He looked over at Shaw. She held a towel out to him.  He took it with the flash of a smile. She then held a water bottle out to him.  He took that gratefully and chugged several gulps down. He wiped his brow and neck of the stray sweat that had collected there.

“You actually challenged Vega?” She asked with slight astonishment in her amused tone.

“He challenged me, rather.  But yes. I was close.” Cullen took another swig of water.

“I saw.  I’m actually damn impressed.  I don’t know anyone who can beat Vega at pull ups.”

Cullen knew he shouldn’t.  The warning bell was ringing, deafeningly, in the back of his head.  But before he could filter himself, his words just spilled out. “I could see that.”

Shaw’s eyes widened just barely before the slightest blush crossed her cheeks.  She snorted, as though to brush away his observation. “I was just wondering when you’d give up.”

“If it weren’t for the distraction, I wouldn’t have.”

Shaw looked up at him again.  She pulled her bottom lip in between her teeth.  He squeezed the water bottle to keep himself from grabbing her and pulling her to him right then and there.  She cleared her throat and waved at him vaguely. “You should probably go grab a shower. I’ll get some dinner prepped.  Oh, and we should be arriving at Lucas’ colony sometime tomorrow afternoon.”

Cullen nodded and turned, tossing the towel over his shoulder.  He held his hand out to Vega. “Good challenge, Vega. I look forward to kicking your ass at a later date.”

Vega snickered and grabbed his forearm, pulling Cullen in for a strange form of chest bump.  Cullen awkwardly followed along and laughed, shaking his head. They parted and Cullen headed straight for the bathrooms.  He paused at the room briefly to grab some spare clothing. He took a brief shower, scrubbing himself clean before he toweled off.  He stepped into his briefs and pants. He was about to pull his shirt on when a wicked idea flitted through his head. He  _ was _ still rather overheated from his work out.  Would it be  _ so _ terrible to enjoy a little fresh air?  He bit back the devilish smirk he felt tugging at his lips.  He held his shirt in one hand and walked out. He rounded the corner.  Shaw’s back was to him. She was, thankfully, the only other person in the mess hall area.  He hooked his shirt over the chair back. 

Shaw turned and froze.  He watched her eyes travel over his chest before she snapped her gaze back up.  She glared at him. “Are you going to finish getting dressed?”

“I’m still hot from the work out.” He shrugged as nonchalantly as possible.  

She stiffly walked over, sliding his plate to him.  She flopped down, looking peeved. He suddenly felt shitty.  Was he pushing it? He was about to put his shirt on when he saw the way she kept looking over his chest and blushing.  She licked her lips as discretely as she could but he still saw it. Her eyes weren’t innocent in their roving either. He felt a bit of satisfaction at the look she kept giving him.  He, however, felt he’d had the impact he’d sought. He pulled his shirt on quickly. He didn’t miss the sudden longing that crossed her face before she feigned happiness.

He sat down and began to eat.  He was famished. He realized he’d not eaten since that morning.  He ate the meal with great relish. A soft feminine chuckle sounded, making him look up.  “What?”

“You just look like you’re in heaven while eating that.”

Cullen felt his own blush.  “I enjoy a decent meal after a long day.” 

“I wasn’t teasing you.” Shaw put her hands up.  “I was just noting how--”

She suddenly cut off and looked away.  He raised a brow at her. “How…?”

“Just...drop it.”

“If you say so.” He took another bite and it wasn’t long before he’d finished the meal.  He sat back, rubbing his stomach. “Thank you for preparing that for me. I appreciate it.”

Shaw looked at him oddly.  “You’re welcome.”

“Shall we head to bed?”

Shaw’s cheeks lit up.  “Oh, uh...yeah…”

He decided to ignore the way she was acting for now.  He stood and grabbed her empty plate, walking to the sink to wash their dishes.  She was beside him in a moment. She reached for the wet dish with a drying rag in her hand.  He obliged, handing it over. She seemed like she was thinking something over as she moved about.  Once they finished the dishes, they both made their way to their quarters. Once the door was shut, Cullen secured it.  Not that anyone couldn’t hack their door in a moment, it just was nice not to have the door open wide whenever someone walked past and activated the sensor.  

“Cullen…?”

He turned from the door, looking at Shaw.  “Hm? Did you need something?”

“I...there’s...um…” 

“...are you alright?” He asked, stepping closer to her.  She wouldn’t look at him. “Shaw?”

She closed her eyes and clenched her fists.  He frowned at her. She took a deep breath. “Do you want to have sex?”

Cullen stood stock still.  He was still processing what he was certain he had heard incorrectly.  “C-come again?”

“Do you want to have sex?” She repeated, finally opening her eyes.  No. No, he had  _ not _ heard wrong.  

Cullen stared at her, wide eyed, and absolutely unsure of what  _ the fuck to say _ .  “I--”

“Before you answer, I know it’s...been a long time for you.  Since...well, yeah. And that can’t be easy. So I’m offering this with  _ absolutely _ no strings attached.  One night to get some needed stress relief and then no need to ever even talk about it if you want to forget it happened.” 

Cullen had been sucker punched in the gut many times as a youth, recruit, soldier, and even as the Commander of the Inquisition.  He’d been punched in the face, slammed into the ground, had the wind knocked out of him...but none of those compared to the complete lack of air he was currently suffering from.   Shaw looked up at him expectantly. He was on the verge of feeling like an utter damned fool. But he saw it. Deep in her eyes. She was scared and also hopeful. She was offering herself, trying to pretend she could walk away without an issue.  He finally managed to breath. The sound that came from that breath was a surprised laugh. 

She frowned at him.  “I don’t...see what’s funny.”

Cullen smiled at her, moving his hands to rest on her upper arms.  “What makes you think I’d want to just have sex without strings attached?”

Shaw swallowed and looked down at their feet.  “I know it’s been a little under a year since you lost Evelyn.  I don’t expect--”

“Shaw.” Cullen moved his hand to tip her chin up to look at him.  “I will never  _ not _ miss Evelyn.   _ But _ , I also know she would have me move on without her.  To pursue  _ something _ to be happy again.  Without her. The question is not if I want to have sex with you.  The question is...are  _ you _ ready?”

Shaw stared back at him.  She seemed to be searching his eyes for the truth in his words.  He knew she could see the truth there. She was stalling. With a slightly sad smile, he slid his hands back and stepped back to give her space.  He had his answer. 

“When you  _ are _ ready, I’ll be waiting.” He turned away and walked over to his bed.  He kicked his boots off and rolled into bed. He pulled his covers over himself and closed his eyes.  He could hear her when she finally moved to her own bed. Her bedtime routine was a bit slower than usual but she finally shut the lights off.  

“Goodnight.” She whispered.

“Goodnight, Shaw.” He replied, and forced himself to ignore the sniffled from the other bed.  He’d done the right thing. It sucked. But he knew she had to be fully ready before she threw herself into whatever it was that was perpetually dangling before them.  


	18. Chapter 18

**It Started Out with a Kiss...**

Dropping Lucas off went as smoothly as it could.  The Alliance was informed of the colony there. It was a tiny little installation that was hidden among debris.  The fact that they’d managed to hide there was a miracle in and of itself. All in all, there were maybe around fifty colonists aboard.  Shaw helped Jane with giving the people supplies from Normandy. They would be resupplying soon enough. They were able to spare most of their food rations, some fuel, and medical supplies.  They spent a good day and half there where Chakwas did some basic medical checkups. They were on the way soon after. Lucas gave Cullen a huge hug before they set off. 

Illium was uneventful.  Shaw stayed aboard while everyone else acquired the supplies.  She threw an old softball up into the air and caught it. It was from the days when she’d been a tiny girl, playing ball in a field with her dad.  Jane and their mom had always been closer. They were military to the core. A fact they could understand and appreciate in one another. Shaw had always been Michael’s little girl.  He’d taught her most of what she knew when it came to science. It was actually during her times with him that he realized her potential to read people. He’d helped her find books on the science behind people’s reactions, emotions, and responses therein.  

She threw the ball back up and caught it again.  With a breath that vibrated her lips, she sat up.  She’d analyzed, overthought, and over analyzed once more...every little nuance of her exchange with Cullen the other night.  In the nights since, she’d been alone in her own bed, wondering what the hell to do. She was supposed to be able to read people.  How had she missed something like that? When did Cullen stop seeing her as a friend and as...more? It wasn’t a physical itch for him.  She’d seen it clear as day that night. He didn’t look a her like a man who just wanted a little physical companionship. He didn’t look at her like a friend denying another friend for their friendship sake.  No. He looked at her like...like a man who was very sure what he  _ really _ wanted and wasn’t about to push that issue until she was ready.  If she’d ever be ready. He’d laid all the cards on the table. Now she was left with the hand she’d been dealt.

It wasn’t too much longer before everyone came back.  They were on their way for Palaven next. It’d be another month of travel.  She dreaded that month. Oh did she dread the next month. 

…..

_ “Uh, Commander, you’re not going to believe this.” _ Joker called to her in her cabin.  Jane set down her datapad.

“What is it, Joker?”

_ “There’s not only a fuel deposit station still functioning in the system we’re entering.  But our sensors are picking up a distress signal on one of the planets. It’s even Alliance.” _

“...I feel like I’ve heard this song and dance before.”

_ “Yeah.  Me too, what do you want me to do?” _

“You know as well as I.” Jane sighed, tossing the datapad down.  “Take us planetside. I’ll go take a look.”

_ “You got it.” _

Garrus snorted, rolling over from where he was still trying to rest.  “If it’s another thresher maw, you can count me out.”

“Aren’t you supposed to have my six?” Jane teased with a smirk.

“Yes.  And if I remember, I had your six, your seven, your eight, your nine...all of your sides just a few hours ago.” He purred at her.  Jane walked over and crawled on her knees over him. She nuzzled his nose and bumped his forehead with hers. 

“Oh, I remember quite well too.”

“Good...can’t have you forgetting  _ that _ so soon.”

Jane laughed and sat back.  “If it’s a thresher maw, you have my permission to run.”

Garrus made an indignant sound, getting up and grabbing his clothing.  “Yeah. Right. And leave you alone with one?”

“Aw, you’re so romantic.” Jane slid off the bed with a chuckle.  

“I try.”

…..

Shaw sat in her armor in the shuttle as they flew down to where the signal was going off.  Cullen was across from her. He and Garrus were discussing something that she was pretty sure wasn’t mean to for her to overhear anyway.  She looked at Jane.

“It looks like the drop zone is coming up.”

“Looks that way.” Jane returned.  “We’ll go in, check the signal, figure out what’s going on, then leave.”

“Simple enough.” Shaw answered.

Jane shot her a look. “Let’s hope.”

They reached the landing zone and dropped down.  The four moved toward where the beacon was going off.  They crested a hill and spotted where the signal was coming from.  There were two buildings nestled in the basin below them. However, that’s not all that was there.  

“Is that...what I think it is?” Garrus asked, staring down in both confused shock and horrified intrigue.

“Well...shit.” Shaw spoke staring down as well.

“I don’t even know what to say.” Jane sighed.

Cullen cleared his throat.  “What the hell is  _ that _ ?”

“That,” Garrus pointed to the first, “is a dead thresher maw.  And that’s a dead Reaper it’s wrapped around.”

Jane nodded and smacked her gun.  “Well, we have two facilities to search.  Shaw and I’ll take the one on the left, you two take the one on the right.”

Garrus nodded, looking at Cullen.  “You ready?”

“After you.” Cullen gestured with his gun toward the low bunker on the right.  They all started to carefully head down the embankment until they split off in their respective directions.  

Shaw and Jane hacked the locks on the door and stepped inside.  They stepped through the decontamination scanners before they were cleared.  Once fully inside, they both took note to how...empty the facility was. They shared a glance and pushed forward.  Sweeping the entire facility they could get to without having to leave into another portion, they found next to nothing.  Shaw picked up a cup that had soured coffee or something inside. Setting it down, she looked at Jane. 

“Whatever happened to these people, they left in a hurry.”

Jane looked down at the datapads and computers strewn about.  “These are all dead. Like they were just tossed down while still on.”

“Should we check the hard drives?” Shaw asked, walking over.  

“Yeah.  You rip the datapads, I’ll rip the computers.”

They set to work immediately.  Once they had the hard drives, they clipped them into their ammo holders.  Jane nodded toward a back area. They hacked those doors and pushed forward.  Jane’s comm activated.

“Hey, Shepard?”

“Yeah, I hear you.  What is it, Garrus?” Jane stopped, holding her hand up to her comm.  

“We found the beacon.  It was barely still broadcasting.  Whoever set it is long gone. There’s no evidence of anyone being here for a long, long time.  My guess? The lovely house guests outside drove them out.”

“But to where?  Couldn’t exactly slip past them out the front door.” Jane frowned.  “We just found a back area out of this bunker.”

“Huh.  We’ve got nothing but this.  What do you want us to do, Shepard?”

“Head back to the shuttle.  We’ll radio back once we clear this next area.”

“Gotcha.” Garrus comm link shut off.  Jane started forward again with Shaw following.  Shaw set to work hacking the door at the end of the underground corridor.

“This is a  _ lot _ of security locks to activate.  What were they locking out?”

Jane tapped her fingers rhythmically on her gun.  “Hard telling. Guess we’ll find out.”

Shaw opened the door and they stepped through.  They walked into a huge room with turrets all aimed toward the opposite end of the room at another door.  Each turret read zero. Shaw quickly scanned each to make sure they weren’t about to be shot in the ass passing by them.  They got to the last door. Jane stepped up and touched the panel. It was an elevator. They hit the button and both shifted to level their guns at the doors as they dinged and slid open.  Jane and Shaw both stiffened at the sight of bloodied handprints smeared all over the inside. They stepped close enough to peek in, up, and around. There was nothing. With a dubious air, they climbed in and hit the button for up.  The ride was slow. Once they finally reached the only stop, they stepped out. The outside sunlight was almost too bright. 

Shaw turned, ensuring they weren’t about to be attacked.  She lowered her gun. “Whatever did this, isn’t here either.”

Jane’s boot kicked against some debris.  “Maybe the hard drives we pulled will have  _ something _ .”

A strange, out of place chitter sounded.  Shaw swung around to aim her gun at the top of the elevator, where the mechanical shaft had been built into a hillside.  A turquoise colored animal sat atop the elevator. It had a large set of eyes, wide mouth, button nose, and large ears. It looked almost marsupial in nature yet also akin to a bobcat or something feline.  It’s ears twitched before it stood on all fours, parting its snout mouth to snarl with jagged, sharp teeth. It then emitted a painfully shrill shriek that pierced their ears. Jane and Shaw both grabbed at their helmets.  The ground began to rumble. Shaw began to back up slowly, still aiming at the creature. Jane joined her. That’s when they saw the horde rushing up the sides of the hill; toward them. Jane barked out an order.

“Run... _ run!”   _ Jane spun on her heel and Shaw was just a blink behind her.  They sprinted across the platform and then up the other side.  “Alvarez! Shepard to Alvarez!”

Static crackled then Alvarez came over the comm.  “This is Alvarez, Commander. Where are you?”

“Sending you our location now!  We need evac  _ now _ !!”

Alvarez confirmed he got the location.  “Coming to get you now! Where will you be?”

“Look for the horde of ravenous alien animals!!” Shaw yelled as they crested the hill and began running for a cliffside.  “Uh, tell me you’re almost here!!”

“We’re running out of space to run, Alvarez!!” Jane bit out, panting with their exertion of running up the slanting landscape.  

A roar of engine rushed over them as the shuttle swung over and then dropped level with the cliffside.  The side door opened. Both Garrus and Cullen started shooting behind the two women. Jane didn’t pause or hesitate as she ran up to the edge.  She launched herself into the shuttle, rolling. Shaw turned to shoot a few of the creatures before she also ran the rest of the way, jumping into the shuttle.  Garrus quickly slammed the door shut right as the creatures jumped at them. The sound of small bodies thudding on metal rang out as Alvarez reared the shuttle away and punched the accelerator.  

Jane and Shaw laid, shoulder to shoulder on the shuttle floor, staring at the door before slowly giggles began to bubble up from both of them.  They leaned on one another as the giggles turned into full on laughter with tears down their faces. They only managed to calm when they reached Normandy.  They climbed out of the shuttle.

“What now?” Garrus took off his helmet, casting a look in Jane’s direction.

Jane looked over, “we pulled hard drives.  We’ll see what else happened there if there’s anything on these.”

With the adrenaline fading away, they made their way to the war room.  They plugged in the hard drives one at a time. Shepard even asked Tali to come up and help them go through the mountain of drives.  Shaw showed Cullen how to set it up and sift through the information. She was thankful for how fast he picked things up. She didn’t have to show him twice before he was reading over the information himself with ease.  Shaw stared over the documents and files. Another personal datapad. She sifted through the personal emails and ignored the twist in her gut when she read over the owner’s personal information. A thirteen year old girl.  She sighed, sitting back in the chair she’d sunk into earlier. 

“I think I just found what happened to the colonists there.” Tali suddenly broke the heavy silence.  “And it is  _ not _ good.”

“Reaper forces?” Garrus guessed as he turned to look at the quarian female.  

Tali shook her head.  “No. Those things you said were chasing you?  Well, they were genetically modified creatures.  This here is from the lead experimental scientist.  They were playing around with genes. Here…” Tali stepped aside.  Jane crossed over to her and began to read through the notes. 

“...they created an aggressive crossbreed between a human mammal and an alien species.  With no natural predators.” Jane sighed, raising her hand to pinch the bridge of her nose.  “That’s why those things attacked us on sight.”

Shaw frowned, spinning the chair around to face them.  “But...how were there so many then?”

Jane flicked through the files and snorted.  “Because, they chose an alien species that was not only aggressive but had a fast reproductive cycle.  Idiots were dicking around in shit they didn’t understand and wound up killing everyone there. They didn’t  _ have _ to worry about Reapers and thresher maws.  They killed themselves off long before the Reapers arrived.”

Shaw glanced back at the information drive behind her.  It was like reading the emails of a ghost. She flicked the hard drive off and stood, quickly excusing herself.  She made it to the conference room before she had to stop and steady her breathing. She grabbed the wall and leaned over.  The burning sensation behind her eyes was hard to fight. She turned to leaned her forehead on the hull’s interior wall. A thirteen year old girl with her whole life ahead of her...probably ripped apart and eaten by rabid hybrid creatures that  _ her colony _ made.  Why did people have to muck around in things they just didn’t understand?

She started when a hand settled on her shoulder.  She turned, looking at Cullen. He didn’t say a word and just pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her.  She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply. His scent had changed a bit since she’d first met him. The lingering scent of leather had mostly disappeared.  But the richer, spicy scent that was  _ him _ was still very present.  She couldn’t place the other woodsy, almost floral scent that was not feminine but warm and soothing.  

“The emails were--”

“Don’t.” He cut her off.  “Don’t think on it.”

She breathed deeply again and nodded.  After a bit, she pulled back. He took the hint and released her.  He squeezed her upper arms and gave her a small smile. “Go. I’ll handle the rest here.”

Shaw blinked up at him before she agreed.  “Thank you.” She turned and left. 

Shaw found a hidden corner in the starboard storage bay by engineering.  She opened the snagged bottle of whatever the hell kind of asari alcohol she’d barely looked at and gulped down a few greedy mouth fulls.  She tucked her feet up onto the crate she’d found to sit on. She laid her head back against the wall. Closing her eyes, she wound up dozing off without trying to.  She woke with a startled jolt. She looked around dazedly before she recalled where she was. She frowned, wondering what woke her until she looked down at the bottle on the floor.  It fell with a clatter and woke her up. Luckily, it hardly spilled much and it was still intact. She slid down and plucked it up, capping it once more. With a sigh, she rubbed her forehead and decided it was time to  _ do _ something other than just pout and wallow in pity.  She tucked the bottle safely into a little crevice in the room.  Then Shaw rode the elevator down to the shuttle bay where the workout equipment was.  A bit of a workout would do her some good. She checked her omnitool for the time and was a bit surprised to find it was so late.  

Shaw walked into the shuttle bay.  Her feet carried her to the workout area, pausing at the sound of weights jangling together.  She wondered if Vega was up late too. Not that she didn’t think the guy was nice and all, but he was a bit of an uncomfortable flirt.  She groaned internally and hoped he wouldn’t start in tonight. However, it wasn’t Vega she saw at the weight bench. Her stomach made that little flip that made her feel a little  _ too _ warm as she watched Cullen push the bar up and down.  He set the bar on the hook and looked over at her. Surprise flit over his face.

“You’re up late.”

“Kind of a hypocritical statement, don’t you think?” She returned with a smirk.  She turned to the pull up bar. “Don’t mind me.”

She didn’t catch whatever it was he mumbled to himself as he sat up, taking a drink of water.  She jumped up, gripping the bar, and spun herself to hook her knees onto the bar, dropping her upper body down to dangle upside down.  She crossed her arms over her chest and took a deep breath, pulling herself up into a vertical sit up, releasing her breath as she did so.  She dropped back down and then continued into the next one. The sounds of the weight bar and both of them heaving breaths as they did their workouts, were the only sounds in the shuttle bay beyond the humming of the Normandy’s flight through space.  Shaw made it to fifty before the burn in her stomach was too much. She dropped back and dangled freely, with her arms down toward the floor. Cullen was still bench pressing. He seemed to realize he was being watched. He glanced over and brought the bar back into its resting spot.  He slid out from under it and sat up, looking at her. 

“What?”

“You’re really brave.  Bench pressing that much weight without a spotter is incredibly stupid.”

Cullen quirked a brow at her over his water bottle.  “Says the woman hanging upside down like a bat.”

Shaw snorted, flipping him off.  “I’m just saying it’s really dangerous.  Imagine if that much weight slipped from your grip and slammed into your neck?”

“I appreciate your concern for my safety.” He smirked at her, the motion tugging his scar up.  “I shall take it under advisement next time.”

“Why  _ are _ you down here at this time?”

Cullen tossed her a look before he quickly averted his gaze.  “A form of working out some stress.”

Shaw stared at him, feeling her face heat.  Oh. Right. She let her gaze drop to the mats below her.  She lifted herself up to grab the bar and unhooked her legs.  She dropped to the floor and moved over to Cullen. She held her hand out, “may I?”

Cullen held his water bottle out to her.  She took it, turning and sitting with her back to him on the bench.  The small bench made the space between them reduce into barely a few inches.  She heard him inhale sharply behind her. She took a few swigs before she leaned back against his chest.  It didn’t even take him a full second before his arms came to rest around her waist. Like they sat this way all the time.  He dropped his chin to her shoulder. Shaw’s right hand settled over his and began to make small designs into the backs of his hands with her fingertips.  He turned his face. His lips pressed to her neck. He paused as though waiting for her to push him away or tell him to stop. She tilted her head to the side and he seemed to take that as the correct signal.  He began to press open mouthed kisses along the column of her neck. Her eyes fluttered, she set the bottle down and raised her hand to run her fingers through his curly hair. His mouth curved into a smirk against her flesh that she could feel.  He pulled back and softly pecked her cheek before he slid his arms away from her and rose up, stepping away from her. She watched him as he moved around to grab his water bottle. 

Her eyes held an edge of curiosity as she watched him.  He looked at her, holding his hand out to her. She took his hand and gasped as he pulled her up swiftly.  She stumbled, colliding into his chest. He looked sheepishly down at her.

“Sorry…”

“No.  Don’t be.” She shook her head.  She cleared her throat and stepped back.  “You’re pretty damn strong, I should have known that from when you caught me back on Omega.”

Cullen stared at her oddly, looking down.  “I’m also sorry for taking such liberties with your person.  I didn’t ask.”

Shaw blinked at his subdued tone.  She counted back from five before she hit his shoulder with hardly any force.  “Idiot.” He looked up sharply. “Do you  _ really _ think I would just let someone touch me if I wasn’t okay with it?”

She quirked a brow up at him, lifting her arms to cross over her chest in challenge.  She was waiting for his answer. His eyes moved over her face. She saw the answering gleam to her challenge.  He tossed the water bottle aside, wrapping his other arm around her in the same moment. He pulled her to him and picked her up.  She looped her arms around him as his mouth connected with hers. He walked backward a few steps before he broke the kiss, swinging her around to carry her like a classic lady in the old vids from the cheesy movies she’d seen as a kid.  


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! See end-notes for more information, placations, explanations/excuses as to why it's taken me bloody damn FOREVER to update.

**Chapter Nineteen**

**My Lips Are Sealed**

With the time it was on the Normandy, they had no prying eyes as they stumbled into the elevator, lips locked in a very heated kiss.  Tongues battled, lips pulled and crushed, hands roaming freely over persons.  Cullen had her pinned to the inside of the elevator, running his hands over her hips, her sides, her breasts.  At her gasp and press of her chest forward, he grinned against her mouth.  He cupped her fairly ample bosom.  A groan of need escaped him as he felt their weight in his hands, running his thumbs over them.  Her nipples pebbled underneath her shirt.  The dull sound of the elevator stopping on the floor registered in the back of his mind.  He pulled her out with him as he backed out.  She followed him, eagerly keeping contact with him.  She paused and looked up at him.

 

“Showers.”

 

Cullen felt his lips twitch into a smirk as he steered them toward the men's room.  She glanced at him questioningly as he opened the door and pushed them inside.  “Garrus showers with Shepard, Joker showers just before the night sleep cycle, Alvarez showers just before the morning meal, and Vega showers every other day.  He showered earlier today.”

 

Shaw blinked up at him.  “You memorized the men’s bathing schedules?”

 

He shrugged.  “I’d rather not have an awkward situation.  Sharing barracks and bathing rooms was _not_ a highlight I enjoyed in the Order.  Besides, it makes this far easier.”

 

Her eyes warmed at the way his voice dipped as he locked the door and pushed her up against it.  Their mouths locked once more, warring for dominance.  Neither relenting; neither giving in yet losing themselves in one another.  Shaw’s hands tugged his shirt up and pushed it over his head.  He lifted his arms.  The fabric dropped somewhere to the side.  His own hands dropped to relieve her of her own shirt.  He made a low sound of approval at the sight of her lacy bra.  His hands smoothed over her breasts before he slid to kneel.  His mouth moved to her scantily clad mounds.  His eyes looked up at her as his mouth opened and settled over one of her nipples.  She didn’t break eye contact.  The sound she made sent another rush of blood south.  His arousal straining already and that just made it twitch in response.  Her fingers moved into his hair.  His tongue swirled experimentally around the textured lace covered pebble.  She moaned again, tugging his hair lightly.  He pulled back, tugging the bra down to expose her fully.  His tongue flicked out over her nipple once more, enjoying the way she boldly watched him taste her.  He looked forward to seeing how she handled him tasting _other_ parts of her.  His mouth trailed to her other breast, paying the same attention there.  He lightly grazed his teeth over her nipple and she hissed. 

 

“Do that again.” Her voice was dripping lust and he chuckled lowly as he leaned forward to drag his teeth over her nipples each.  She pushed her breasts further against his mouth each time. 

 

His hands slid up her thighs and around to the front clasp of her pants.  He tugged her trousers down and growled at the same lacy type of undergarment.  He looked up at her.  She smirked.

 

“What?  I like to match _sometimes._ ”  Shaw kicked off her boots and wiggled her hips to rid her pants off her completely.

 

A knowing look settled on his face.  “Mmhm…” He hooked his fingers into the sides of her tiny scrap of lace that kept her mostly concealed from him.  He tugged them down as well, helping her step out of them.  She moved her left leg aside, opening herself to him with the faintest blush on her face.  He licked his lips.  Evelyn had always clamped herself shut and acted mortified to have him down there like she’d never had anyone taste her before.  Shaw was...well...he smiled as he leaned forward, using his right forefinger and middle to spread her lower lips to his hungry gaze.  She was truly stirring his blood to levels he’d not felt in a long _, long_ time.  She made a soft sigh.  He pressed his shoulder under her left thigh.  She took his signal and draped her thigh over his shoulder, her fingers still buried in his hair.  His tongue dipped just far enough to edge around her sex.  Her breath came out in a sharp sound.  He couldn’t help it, he _had_ to look up at her.  She watched him intently.  His cock made another twitch at the heat in her gaze.  Damn…

 

He sealed his mouth on her slick folds, groaning at the taste of her on his tongue.  She moaned low in her throat, throwing her head back yet still staring down her body at him.  He rolled his tongue around her folds before he paid special attention to her little hooded gem.  She rocked her hips against his mouth and he made a low growl.  His fingers released her and pressed into her up to his knuckles.  She gasped and reacted at once with a single rock of her hips.  He curled his fingers to press against the inside under her clit and began to piston his fingers inside of her heat.  His tongue flicked and swirled as he alternated between sucking her roughly and just lapping at her clit.  She whined deliciously as her eyes fluttered.  He felt her walls flutter around his fingers once or twice before he increased the pace of his thrusting digits.  She moaned loudly, her fingers clenching almost painfully in his hair.  He chuckled against her and she suddenly gasped out a choked moan as her inner walls clenched his fingers, attempting to milk them.  He suctioned his mouth on her clit once more before pulling back with an audible popping sound.  She panted and let her leg fall back to the floor. 

 

Cullen rose, withdrawing his right hand from her.  She surprised him by grabbing his wrist and pulling his fingers up to her lips and licking them clean while watching him closely.  He nearly lost his composure.  He swore under his breath and quickly began shedding his pants.  He needed to be inside her or he’d--

 

She bat his hands away and removed his boots and pants swiftly.  At his briefs, she lowered to her knees and tugged his erection free from his undergarments.  Her eyes rose to stare up at him before she bent forward, running her devilish tongue from the base of his member to the tip where a bit of precum beaded.  He leaned forward, bracing his right arm on the wall with a light grunt of surprised pleasure.  She blinked, staring at him in surprise herself. 

 

“W-what…?”

 

She didn’t answer him, instead she circled his length and pulled the head of him into her hot mouth.  He groaned loudly, clenching his right hand against the wall and fisting his left at his side.  She rolled her eyes while her lips were wrapped around him still.  He wasn’t certain why that little motion made him want to just thrust deeper into her mouth.  She grabbed his left hand and moved it to her head.  She swept her tongue around the head of his cock at the same moment.  He gasped and instinctively grabbed her hair.  She hummed in a way that he realized meant she was approving of his action.  She slowly slid him further and further into her mouth.  She began to bob her head back and forth slowly while pumping the lower part of his shaft.  He rolled his hips, unable to hold back.  She picked up her pace, sucking on him hard enough to make his eyes damn near roll back in his head.  His balls tightened and he pulled back, forcing her to break off of him.  She made a soft cry of dismay.

 

“N-not...that _that_ doesn’t feel fucking amazing...but I want to finish somewhere else.” He managed to gasp out.  Shaw suddenly smiled and rose to her feet.  He pulled her against his front, unable to keep his hands off of her.  His mouth claimed her and she moaned into him as he backed them up to the shower.  He fiddled with the dials blindly before he managed to get the water flowing and the correct temperature.  He broke their kiss long enough to grin.  “Ten minutes per person…think twenty minutes is enough time?”

 

Shaw’s eyes flashed wickedly at the challenge.  “Mm, I wonder...is it _too_ long?”

 

Cullen glared at her, grabbing her right thigh and hefting it up.  He pressed the head of his cock to her entrance.  She licked her lips and hooked her right leg around his waist, tugging him forward.  He sank into her heat with a low, grumbling moan.  She made a most delicious sound, running her hand up his water slicked chest.  He gave an experimental thrust.  She made a very encouraging sound in her throat.  He rocked into her once more.  She sighed breathlessly before she looked up at him, ignoring the water dripping over her face.

 

“I’m going to need you to speed the hell up and be a _lot_ harder.”

 

Cullen stared back at her before he adjusted his hold on her leg and angled his hips.  “Are you sure about that?”

 

He waited for that eye roll he loved to tease out of her.  Right as she did, he slammed his hips into her.  Her back smacked the wall with a wet slap.  She made a loud moaning cry and grabbed onto him. 

 

“Oh... _yeah_ …” She nodded her head.  “Like _that_.”

 

Cullen chuckled huskily.  “As you desire.”  He pulled back and slammed home again and again.  He set a brutal pace that had her crying loudly.  The shower barely drowned out their noises.  Between the wet slapping of their flesh and their voices sounding out their pleasures, they filled the men’s room with lots of echoes.  Shaw’s head made a dull thud as she dropped it back to the wall behind her.  Her body moved with a renewed fire.  He slid his hand between them, dipping his thumb to her hooded nub.  He pressed and rubbed against her hidden gem in time with his thrusts.  She made a choking sob of a moan. 

 

“C-Cul!” She cried out as her body began to clench around him.  He dropped his forehead to her shoulder, panting out heavily as his balls tightened. 

 

“Maker, you’re so tight.” He growled, nipping her shoulder.  She suddenly tensed.  A keening mewl of release erupted from her.  He couldn’t stem his own spend any longer.  He thrust repeatedly into her fluttering heat until he felt his release crush him.  A few broken movements later, he buried himself fully inside of her and groaned her name low in his throat. 

 

They both stood, heaving breaths.  The shower was suddenly almost too loud in comparison.  Cullen slowly slid her leg down and helped her stand as he held himself up with his arm.  She looked up at him with a content expression.  She pushed from the wall and he stepped back into the warm spray.  She turned and dipped her head back into the shower.  He wrapped his arms around her from behind and helped her wash off.  She reached over and turned the shower off and Cullen gently squeezed the excess water from her hair. 

 

“Cul…?”

 

He smiled at the nickname, loving the way it sounded from her.  “Hm?”

 

“We forgot towels, didn’t we?”

 

Cullen paused and dropped his head to her shoulder again.  She snorted out a giggle and he sighed.  “Yes...yes, we did.”

 

“Guess we have to make a naked dash for the room.”

 

“I suppose so.” He stepped away from her and approached their discarded pile of clothing.  He began to gather them up.  “At least it’s only three yards.”

 

“True.” She trailed her fingers down his bare back.  He turned to look at her, she blushed as he studied her.  She opened the door and checked both directions before she made the first dash.  Cullen decided then and there that Shaw’s ass was perfection.  He grinned and made the second dash for their room.  He made it into their room, the sound of her giggles making his heart soar.  He dumped their clothing in the hamper.  She was grabbing clean undergarments. 

 

“Shaw.”

 

She turned, “hm?”

 

“Sleep with me.”

 

She paused her motions and smirked.  “Didn’t we just do that?”

 

“That had _nothing_ to do with sleep.” His voice dropped into a huskier note as he reached for her.  She dropped her underwear on her bunk and let him drag her over to his bed.  He laid down and she crawled over him and laid beside him, partially draped over him.  She hummed as he drew the blanketing up over them.  He pillowed his head on his arm and hooked the other around her.  He closed his eyes. 

 

“Goodnight, Cul.”

 

“Goodnight, Shaw.”

 

…..

 

Shaw awoke warm and wrapped in a form of comfort she couldn’t remember feeling for so long.  She slowly blinked awake.  The expanse of flesh under her hand wasn’t a surprise.  She certainly didn’t have _any_ issue recalling _how_ she got where she was currently.  She smiled at Cullen’s sleeping face, enjoying the way his arm held her close to his side.  Then a rather uncomfortable thought crossed her mind. 

_Did he hold_ her _like this too?_

Jealousy pressed into her, making it hard to breathe.  She frowned.  She had to fight this feeling.  She slid her right leg over him and lifted herself up.  She bent and began to trail kisses down his jaw slowly.  She could feel his morning wood already poking her in the rear.  His lips twitched into a rather sexy, slightly crooked smile. 

 

“I could get used to waking up like this.”

 

“Oh, you could, could you?” Shaw teased, lightly nipping his earlobe.  His eyes opened, his eyes already that golden whiskey color.  His hands slid up her thighs.  She shifted back to roll his tip along her seam teasingly. 

 

His eyes darkened with warning.  “Don’t tease me, Shaw…”

 

She dipped down just enough to take the head of his cock before pulling away completely.  He growled suddenly and moved her back down onto him.  She didn’t fight him when he impaled her on his shaft.  She bit her bottom lip at the sudden fullness.  She rolled her hips and moaned as his pelvis ground in just the right way against her.  She repeated the motion, shivering as his hands slid up to cup her breasts.

 

“Maker what a sight.”

 

She looked down into his eyes.  “A good one?”

 

Cullen gave her a simpering look.  “A beautiful woman riding my cock in the morning with her breasts swaying before me?  You really have to ask?”

 

She blushed at his words.  Not that she was a prude or anything.  But just...hearing Cullen say cock was both surprising and an odd turn on for her.  She lifted up and began to bounce a little with her movements.  Cullen made a rather long groan in his throat.  She grinned victoriously. 

 

“Like that, do you?”

 

Cullen growled up at her.  “Very much.”

 

“Well then...can’t have you left wanting.”  She shifted so that she was resting her weight mostly up on her knees, bracing her hands on his abdomen.  She groaned at the feel of his muscles flexing with his movements below her bouncing hips.  Her fingertips feeling the dips and stretches of his flesh.  He shifted then, making her pause.  He sat up, tucking her legs around him while he crossed his legs beneath her ass.  It put them face to face.  He wrapped one arm around her and leaned back on the other.  His first hip rock made her suddenly love this position.  She clung to him and started to move with him again.  She could feel her orgasm coming on.  Cullen was watching her face as he rolled into her. 

 

“Try to lay back on your elbows.”

 

She listened to him, laying back and using her elbows to hold herself up.  She gasped at the way he was angled inside her.  His fingers found her clit and began to press and work her up as he used the arm around her waist to pull her onto his cock as he rocked forward.  She let her head fall back.  Her body fell apart into a sea of ecstasy as she came around him.  Her moan of release was low and breathy. 

 

Cullen chuckled and shifted up onto his knees, he plunged into her and she used her hooked ankles to urge him faster.  She just came but his movements and his fingers didn’t stop playing with her.  She looked up at him and his sexy grin.  That grin melted into a face of pleasure as he picked up his pace and she felt her own second orgasm building quickly again.  As soon as he came inside of her, she unraveled again.  She didn’t have the breath to even make sound.  Cullen slowed to a still and pulled free from her. 

 

She collapsed on his bed.  “...damn…”

 

He smirked and sat back.  “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

 

She laughed breathlessly.  She was cut short as the intercom went off.  “Uh, if you two are done...Shepard’s calling everyone to the conference room.”

 

Cullen glared over at the intercom.  Shaw, however, felt her anger simmering.  “Moreau...were you fucking _listening in_?!”

 

“No!” Joker answered far too quickly to be purely innocent.  “Well, _not intentionally!_ I was trying to page you and then...well...yeah...but I turned it off _right away!  I swear!”_

“I’m going to punch you, Glass-Man.”

 

“Hey now!”

 

“Shut it!” Shaw snarled and rolled off Cullen’s bed.  She grabbed one of the towels and wiped herself clean between her legs and set to getting dressed.  Cullen also dressed quickly.  Once decent, she stepped over to the door.  “You coming?”

 

Cullen paused, looking up at her with a very amused look.  “Really?  _Am I coming?”_

Shaw caught on and blushed, laughing at her choice of words.  “Well, I _know_ you came.  I’m asking if you’re _following_ now.”

 

Cullen stepped up to her, dipping his mouth down by her ear.  “Gladly.”

 

She shivered at his deepened voice and decided it was in her best interest to just...go.  She walked to the elevator and stepped inside with him.  They leaned side by side and then walked to the conference room.  She saw they were the last ones to arrive.  She forced herself to remain professional. 

 

Jane eyed them both closely as they stepped in.  “Glad you could join us.”

 

“Sorry.  Late start.” Shaw answered without batting an eyelash.  To his credit, Cullen didn’t even look the least bit flustered or like he’d just had morning sex. 

 

Jane snorted.  “Well, since you’re finally here.  We’re T-Minus thirty minutes to landing on Palaven.  Besides finding the merc base and making sure we’re not facing _another_ Cerberus insurgence, I need all eyes out there assessing Palaven’s conditions.  In other words, I need to know what kind of damages have been done.  What’s needed.  Etcetera.  Whatever information we can get to send back to the Alliance so they can send a message to the Turian Fleet as well.  Whatever you do...don’t piss off the locals.”

 

Garrus chuffed.  “Yeah...about that…”

 

“ _You_ ,” Jane pointed at him, “still have to behave too.  Even if it is your home world.”

 

“Yes, ma’am.” He sighed.

 

Shaw bit back the snicker at his resigned tone. 

 

“Let’s make sure we keep our best foot forward, people.  These are our allies and they might need our help.  Let’s get to it.” Jane clapped her hands together.  She then turned, grabbed Shaw’s arm, and hauled her from the room and to the war room.  She spun on Shaw and made sure the door was shut.  “Seriously?”

 

“Seriously what?”

 

“You have a hickey.”

 

“What?!” Shaw grabbed at her neck before she saw the shit-eating grin on Jane’s face.  “I don’t, do I?”

 

“No, but that was pretty damn telling.”

 

“I hate you sometimes.”

 

“Eh, you’ll get over it.” Jane shrugged before she turned serious.  Shaw braced for it, holding up her hands.

 

“Look, I know it’s technically fraternization among ranks.  But since he’s not really an Alliance Commander...and also not from here...and--”

 

“Shaw.  Shut up.” Jane sighed, shaking her head.  “I’m not exactly the poster child for non-fraternization.  I don’t give a shit.  _But_ , I _do_ need to ask if you’re implant is still active and working.”

 

Shaw blinked before she released whatever breath she’d been holding in.  “Yes.  I had it checked back at the hospital.  Back when…”

 

“Okay.  Good.  Not that I don’t ever want nieces or nephews, mind you...but not now.  Not like this.  Not out here.”

 

“I’m not that irresponsible.”

 

“I know, Shaw.  But I have to ask.  That aside, I need to find you two a better room.”

 

“We’re fine where we are.” Shaw looked away, unsure of where Jane was heading with this line of conversation.

 

“Yeah...no.  I’m going to talk with some mechanics, if I can find them, on Palaven.  They helped design the Normandy, so I suspect turians would be able to help redesign that room into an actual room.  After all, the Alliance made space for Liara and her entire set up.”

 

“...why are you...doing this?”

 

Jane stared at her before poking her nose.  “Because.  I’ve never seen you this content.  So whatever I can do to help you two morons keep this shit together, I’ll do it.”

 

“Morons?”

 

“You’ve been painfully obvious yet oblivious to one another for too damn long.  Seriously.  Then again, I’ll bet that’s what everyone felt about Garrus and I.” Jane shrugged.

 

Shaw looked at her feet.  “Thank you, Jane.”

 

“While on this ship, with this crew, you are _safe to be you_ , Shaw.  Remember that.”  Jane squeezed her shoulder. 

 

“Shepard, we are planet side in five.” Joker spoke up.

 

“Good.  Bring her down gently, Joker.”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right, lovelies! 
> 
> So. One. I suck.   
> Two...my hubby and I ACTUALLY finished our book, completely. 70k+ words, baby! We ALSO sent it to a publishing company and are awaiting further notice from their board of editors. Fingers are crossed, toes are crossed, eyes are crossed, pretty much everything we can possibly think to cross...we've crossed!   
> Three...I've been writing everything on my little tablet. It is a cute little tablet. I call it Tabby. It also, unfortunately, SUCKS to write on. It was also, however briefly, a bridge gap between my deader than a doorknob Lenovo and my new...BEAUTIFUL gaming laptop with Word doc, full version, BUILT IN BECAUSE I MISSED IT LIKE HELL AND I WAS GOING TO PAY FOR THAT SHIT TO MAKE ME HAPPY. So, here I am...new lappytop. And I JUST finally got all my docs moved over so...UPDATES are COMING enmasse!! 
> 
> See? I love you! I didn't forget about you! I just suck. Royally. But I love writing. Tis my passion.


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter Twenty**

**Family Ties**

Not long after docking, the crew disembarked the Normandy.  This was his home world.  This was where he was born.  Yet, he couldn’t be farther from feeling like he was home.  Garrus walked through the docking bay.  To say that his human crewmates were met with a bit of...hesitation, would have been an understatement.  Some, on both sides, couldn’t seem to get past the First Contact War.  However, that wasn’t even the main reason for the younger Vakarian male’s discomfort.  He knew that the moment anyone heard who had landed on Palaven, their tunes would change.  It was the email he received upon arrival that had his stomach in a riot.  Castis Vakarian was planning to meet them in person at the processing building.

 

Shepard let him lead the way.  He could feel his pulse hammering.  Any turian they passed could hear the worried subharmonics vibrating from him.  He ignored any glances and cleared his throat as soon as they reached the doors.  He took a deep breath and clamped down on his subharmonics as much as he could.  The door opened and they stepped through.  A very broken trill made him look up, wondering when the hell he’d started staring at the floor under his feet without realizing.

 

Solana Vakarian, his beloved little sister came sprinting across the lobby.  His mandibles clenching tightly with emotion as he took several long strides before bracing.  Solana collided with him.  He caught her, barely, hugging her back.  She made subharmonic keens that were the best description of crying like humans did. 

 

“Garrus!” She made a choked sound, stepping back and immediately inspecting his face.  His scarred right mandible drew a small trill of upset.  Her blue-green eyes, more like their mother’s, looked into his blue ones.  “You’re mostly in one piece.”

 

Garrus choked out a strangled laugh.  “You sound disappointed.”

 

She flared her mandibles in a smile, stepping aside, turning to look back at their father.  Somehow, during the chaotic sibling reunion, Castis had come to stand a few feet away.  Castis scanned Garrus with that cold, calculated look he always had.  Garrus felt his throat go dry.  What the hell did he say?  Castis inhaled, Garrus flinched just barely.  Castis caught it; of _course_ he saw it. 

 

“It’s...good to see you, son.” Castis managed.

 

Garrus stared at his father, unsure of how to respond.  An elbow into his side made him look down at a pointed look from Jane.  He looked back at his father.  “I...yeah.  You too.”  Well.  That sounded stupid.

 

“You must be Commander Shepard.” Solana piped up, stepping over to Jane.  She inspected the human and looked satisfied.  “You’re very beautiful for a human.”

 

Jane made a sound of amusement, “thanks.  You’re, uh, fringe is very...symmetrical.”

 

Garrus snorted as Solana laughed.  “Smooth, Shepard.”

 

“Hey, at least I _tried_.” Jane crossed her arms and tossed him a look. 

 

“Thank you.” Solana replied and gestured behind her.  “We’ve prepared some more comfortable accommodations for the night for you and your crew.  And procured some food for you as well.”

 

“You really didn’t have to go to such lengths for us.” Jane started but Castis cleared his throat pointedly.

 

“Palaven owes you a favor, Commander.  It’s not much, but we want to do our part as well.” Castis turned and gestured for them to follow like good little soldiers. Garrus clucked his tongue and stiffened. 

 

Jane grabbed his hand and drew his gaze quickly.  “It’s okay.”

 

Garrus sighed and nodded, feeling the loss of her hand keenly as they stepped apart once more and followed his father.  He noted how everyone took in the less than lovely sights around.  He took in the debris, the damage, and came to the conclusion that his home world though not nearly _as bad_ as Earth, had been hit damn near as hard.  He must have made a sound because Solana sighed and nodded beside him.

 

“It’s bad.  But it could have been worse.  Just...just don’t look in mom’s gardens.”

 

Garrus froze, halting his steps and looked at Solana.  “...her gardens were…” He should have known.  He ground his jaw and nodded curtly, ignoring the looks he received from his crewmates and mate.  The climbed into a transport and rode the rest of the way to his once-upon-a-time home.  The silence was stifling. 

 

“Your world is very intriguing.” Rutherford stated, breaking the tension.  Garrus could have kissed the man if there weren’t several things wrong with that whole scenario.  “I’ve not seen it’s like.”

 

“I take it you’re fairly new around here.” Castis stated, not asked.

 

“No.  I’d never left my own world before all of this.” Rutherford answered honestly without revealing anything more.  Garrus found a bitter satisfaction in the fact that Rutherford might be the first human Castis _couldn’t_ figure out easily.

 

“Really?  I thought most _humans_ had left their home world.  At least to the Citadel once or twice.”

 

“No, sir.” Rutherford smiled thinly.  “At least not until recently.  You must be proud of your son.  He’s an amazing warrior.  I’ve not seen his like in most of my years.  Your training of him shows.”

 

Castis fell deathly silent.  Garrus turned to look at his father, finding himself rather pleased to see the shocked expression on his face.  Then the professional mask slammed back into place.

 

“I appreciate the compliment.  But I only helped teach him to shoot, the rest he learned on his own…” Castis looked away from Rutherford then. 

 

Cullen shot Garrus a knowing look.  Garrus had to turn away to keep from outright laughing.  The damn man _knew_ he’d just insulted Castis Vakarian without outright insulting him obviously.  Garrus decided to keep a mental record of the event. 

 

“We’re here!” Solana announced a bit too brightly.  They climbed out and followed the eldest Vakarian into their home.  Garrus looked over the cracks, fissures, and chunks that had been taken out of his childhood home.  He stepped inside last and was hit with such a strong nostalgia.  He was choking.

 

Solana was giving everyone else a tour and showing them rooms.  Castis wasn’t too far off to the side, observing her skills with that appraising way he did everything.  A bit of a vindictive streak drove through Garrus.  He moved to stand close to Jane.  His hand slid over her waist and pulled her into his side.  He took in the reaction of Castis’ as he did so. 

 

“Shepard and I share quarters.  So we’ll just take one room.”

 

Solana turned to him with wide eyes, immediately flicking her gaze to their father and back.  “S-sure.”

 

Castis met Garrus’ challenging look.  “Garrus, a word.”

 

“Of course.” Garrus stepped aside and bent quickly to nuzzle Jane’s hair.  “Be right back.”

 

Jane was blank faced.  She was keeping herself from showing whatever it was she was feeling.  He knew though.  She was both surprised, pleased, and also a bit pissed at him for the blatant disrespect of his father.  He’d deal with her anger later.  He followed Castis out through the living room and to the same gardens Solana had told him _not_ to look at.  He didn’t have time to brace for the devastating scene.  The tree his mother was buried under was...in shreds.  Her flowers she’d carefully kept during her years alive were nothing more than flattened remnants of memories.  The statues of the Spirits she prayed to were little more than bastardized piles of marbled stone. 

 

“Wha--” Garrus managed before his father turned to him.

 

“The Reapers hit us hard.  We housed many refugees.  Far enough away to keep _most_ of the damage at a minimum, close enough to the fight for the soldiers to return to their battle.” Castis stepped further into the gardens, his hands unlocking from behind him.  “Galelia...she loved this place.”

 

Garrus shook his head, looking away from the gardens.  “Would you just get it over with already?  Tell me what a failure I am.  Tell me I’m a disappointment.  Tell me that you hate my decisions and reasons and...whatever the hell _else_ I’ve fucked up in your eyes.  Just... _do it already._ ”

 

Castis was so quiet, Garrus nearly yelled and threw something.  “You’re not a failure.”

 

There was a damn good chance that Garrus could have snapped his own neck with how fast he turned to look at his father.  Castis still kept his back to Garrus.  “I--I’m afraid I didn’t hear you correctly.”

 

Castis sighed loudly and turned just enough to look at his son.  “You’re not a failure, Garrus.  You’re not a disappointment.  I don’t hate your decisions or reasons.  You played a pivotal role in this war.  Without you or Commander Shepard, the Reapers _would_ have wiped us all out without a chance to fight back.  I’m...proud of you, actually.”

 

Garrus gawked at Castis.  For once, he was at a loss for words.  He didn’t even have a smartass remark ready.

 

Castis gave him a small turian smirk.  “What’s this?  No smart comeback?”

 

“I...you just...I mean…” Garrus snapped his mouth shut. 

 

“Are you...serious about the human commander?”

 

Garrus straightened and leveled his eyes with Castis.  “She’s my mate.”

 

Castis hummed and looked back to the ruined tree.  “Hm.  And she knows this?”

 

Garrus chuckled, leaning in the doorway.  “Shepard isn’t exactly the woman you get into a relationship without her being in full awareness of every key detail.  So...yeah.  She knows.”

 

“You know that...you won’t be able to reproduce.”

 

“Reproducing isn’t everything.” Garrus tapped his foreclaw on his armored upper arm.  “But, if we ever decided on something like that...we’d probably adopt.  Or something.”

 

“Or Solana could surrogate…”

 

“Uh...what?”

 

“She’s already spoken with me about that, you know?  She seemed to already know you were with someone.  Someone...not turian.  She even told me if the time came she’d willingly surrogate for you.  If you ever asked.”

 

“...she...I...damn.” Garrus shook his head.  “I guess she put it together, huh?  I never _told_ her who I was with.  But…”

 

Castis snorted, a sound very unlike the man Garrus knew as a child.  “Sol is nothing if not resourceful and incredibly quick witted.  If there’s something she wants to know, she’ll find out.”

 

“Huh.  That’s terrifying.”

 

“Tell me about it.” Castis’ subvocals revealed his dismay on the subject.  “I’m glad you’re here.  All of you.  Proof that we _did_ win after all.  And that there’s still hope.”

 

“As long as Jane’s alive, there will always be hope.” Garrus pushed away from the doorframe.  “I’m sorry.  For earlier.”

 

“No.” Castis turned, walking back.  “ _You_ have nothing to apologize for.  Well, not to _me_.  I’ve spent many long nights wondering if I’d lost my son forever because of my foolishness.”

 

Garrus frowned and lowered his gaze.  “No, dad.  You didn’t.  And...thanks.  For Omega.  For taking that call…”

 

“If I missed that call and then lost you after, I would have been joining your mother in that garden.” Castis clapped Garrus’ shoulder as he passed.  “Get settled.  Solana is making steamed varguul.”

 

Garrus watched his father go, feeling a bit more at home than he’d been in a long, long time.

 

…..

 

Jane sat in their room, her boots set by the door, with her feet propped up on the windowsill.  Her fingers tapped out a rhythm only she could discern.  The chair she sat in partially faced the window and the bed.  Her grey-hazel eyes stared up at the ceiling.  Dinner had gone fairly well.  Solana Vakarian was very bubbly and curious.  She seemed to want to ask so many questions.  Many of them Jane wasn’t sure how to answer.  It was apparently that Garrus and Solana’s mother had died from a disease.  She remembered when Garrus had mentioned it in passing once.  She’d never pushed him on it. 

 

The door opened and her turian stepped into the room.  He looked at her with the look of a scolded school boy.  He cleared his throat, “so...about earlier--”

 

“You two seemed a bit...strained.  I didn’t realize how bad it was.”

 

Garrus sighed and crossed to sit on the bed, his knee brushing hers as he moved by.  “Yeah...well, we’ve not really seen eye-to-eye since I left home.”

 

“I’m not mad you didn’t talk about us to him.”

 

“Could have fooled me.” He met her eyes then and she frowned back.

 

“I’m mad that you threw it in his face like that.  He’s still your dad.”

 

“I know.” Garrus ducked his head in shame.  “I shouldn’t have done that.  I know.  But...I just...I couldn’t stand it anymore.  That judgmental tone.  But, then we talked.  And I...he...it’s better.  Not perfect, not really great...but...better.”

 

“Better is _something_.” Jane dropped her feet to the floor, turning to grab his hands.  “I’m really glad we came here.”

 

“Yeah?  Funny you should say that.  He said that too.”

 

Jane shrugged, “great minds think alike.”

 

Garrus snorted and leaned forward to tap his forehead to hers.  “You’re such a dork.”

 

“And proud of it.  Come on, let’s get some sleep.  We’ve got work to do tomorrow.”

 

“Ugh...work.  Have I ever mentioned that I don’t care for _work_?”

 

Jane smirked and tugged him with her as she moved to lay down on the bed.  “Oh shut up.”

 

He snickered and pulled her to him as they settled for bed.

* * *

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter Twenty-One**

**Something New to Dread**

“Cerberus base number two.” Jane snarled, throwing her helmet down on the bench.  Shaw cast a wary glance at her sister.  Garrus approached her with caution as they shed their armor and placed weapons back in the armory.  They’d barely made it to the landing zone on a small space base that was mostly intact before they’d been met with instant resistance.  The rest of their time there was finding whatever they could off the mostly wiped computers and fighting the Cerberus agents there.  At least they hadn’t had Atlas mechs there. 

 

Shaw had to admit to the lack of surprise.  Cerberus seemed less and less like the fabled hell-hound of ancient human Greek lore and more like the hydra creature.  Every time they cut off one head, two more sprung up.  The good news, however tiny, was that they were _very_ disorganized.  The chances of them rising up as a heavy power in the galaxy again was looking less and less likely. 

 

“Hey…” Garrus started, touching Jane’s arm.  Shaw watched her sister’s jaw clench and grind.  “At least we have an idea now what we are facing in the next base too.”

 

“Every time I turn around, it’s _fucking_ Cerberus.”

 

“And they aren’t even strong.  They have no leadership and seem a little too eager to shoot up their own base at the sight of newcomers.  Not the most intelligent of enemies.” Garrus spoke to her sister in soothing tones. 

 

Jane sighed and hung her head.  “Yeah, I know.  But I’m so sick of dealing with them.”

 

“Once we check out the next base, we’ll just send Aria a _‘hey, so your dudes were either Cerberus in disguise or killed off, bye!’_ ” Shaw shrugged as she set her firearm into her locker. 

 

“‘Cause she’ll just _love_ that.” Jane snorted and continued disarming herself.  “After we stop off at Palaven for another supply top-off and fuel-up, we’ll just head to the next spot and get this shit over with.”

 

“Sounds good to me.” Shaw agreed, stepping back from her locker and exchanging her boots. 

 

“Besides, Shepard,” Tali threw over her shoulder as she set her shotgun into her own locker.  “You had to _know_ things wouldn’t go according to plan.  _Nothing_ ever goes smoothly for this crew.”

 

“Thanks for the reminder, Tali.”

 

“You’re welcome!” Tali chirped.

 

Shaw bit back a snort and moved to the elevator.  She rode up to the crew deck.  She was level with life support when an arm snagged around her middle, yanking her backwards into the room.  She didn’t even have time to make a surprised cry before she was pressed against the wall beside the door.  She looked up into amber eyes and felt her lips quirk into a smile. 

 

“Miss me?”

 

Cullen chuckled and released her.  “A little bit.”

 

“Only a little bit?” She asked, disbelief coloring her tone. 

 

“Just a little bit.” He confirmed with a teasing smirk before his face looked a bit more serious.  “How did it go?”

 

“Cerberus again.” Shaw frowned, shaking her head.  “They wiped the drives as fast as possible before trying to kill us.  We didn’t find any cargo or anything.”

 

“What purpose could that serve them?”  Cullen mirrored her frown.  “There would have to be something they felt deserved hiding to do something so drastic.”

 

“That’s the question, isn’t it?”

 

Cullen turned to lean on the wall next to her.  He crossed his arms, laying his head back to look at the ceiling above their heads.  “Something isn’t adding up.”

 

“What do you think it could be?”

 

“...in my experience, when the enemy is hiding things and being overly cautious...things are about to get _very_ complicated.” He looked at her. 

 

Shaw rifted a hand to rub her face.  “Great.  Just what we need.  Well, can’t be worse than Collectors and Reapers, right?”

 

Cullen gave her a very skeptical look.  “Never doubt the universe’s ability to bugger things up further.”

 

“...that’s not reassuring.”

 

“Reality rarely is.”

 

…..

 

_“So, two Cerberus bases.”_ Aria’s hologram rolled its eyes.  _“Why am I not surprised, Shepard?”_

Jane rolled her own eyes as well.  “Any indications given that’s what they were to you?”

 

_“Do you think I’d bother trying to work with them if I_ had _been given any indications?”_

“Fair enough.  Chances are the last one will be Cerberus too.”

 

_“Figures.”_ Aria crossed her legs and arms.  _“Just when I thought maybe we were getting somewhere in this fucked up mess.”_

“We’re heading out first light on Palaven to check out the last base you received communication from.”

 

_“I don’t forget my friends, Shepard.”_ Aria pointed out and nodded to Jane.  Jane returned the nod.

 

“I’ll do what I can.  But I don’t expect much at this point.”

 

_“Later, Shepard.”_

Jane cut the call off and tapped her right foot.  She frowned at the computer.  “What the hell is Cerberus trying to pull here?”

 

“Galactical dominance?”

 

Jane turned to consider the other person in the room.  She sighed, rubbing her face tiredly.  “What else is new?  Something about Cerberus’ actions just aren’t right.  What the hell am I missing?”

 

Garrus pushed off the wall and walked over to her.  “I don’t think it’s necessarily what you’re _missing_.  It’s more like what puzzle piece have we not found yet.”

 

Jane smiled up at him, her eyes still a bit distant with her thoughts.  “I’m not liking this puzzle.”

 

“Me neither.”

 

“Let’s get back to Palaven, make sure we’re at the fullest capacity before we head out again.  At least we know it’s taking us about a month or so to get almost a quarter around the Milky Way.”

 

“With just a little over half of our resources.”

 

Jane nibbled her thumbnail then.  “Yeah...and if there’s no fuel sources or anything around Virmire?”

 

“We all knew it was a gamble.  So far, our gambles pan out somehow.  Dumb luck, I guess.” He teased, bumping her shoulder.

 

“Yeah?  How long until that dumb luck runs out?” Jane grumbled.  Shaking her head, she bumped him back.  “Come on, big guy.  We still have work to do.  Then I’m going to need some help... _calibrating_ something.”

 

Garrus made the turian equivalent to a snort.  “I _do not_ say _calibrating_ that much!”

 

“Oh, yes you do.”

 

“Do not.”

 

“You do.”

 

…..

 

The Normandy was on her way once more.  After filling up on supplies-honestly more than they probably _needed_ -the crew said its goodbyes to Palaven and the Vakarian family.  Thus far, their flight through space was going smoothly.  Uneventful was good in some cases; positively boring in other cases.  At least two weeks passed by with ease.  By the third week, they were all starting to go a bit stir crazy.  Without Alliance orders coming in every damn day to keep them busy here or there or everywhere possible, it was simply droll.  Jane instigated several arm wrestling matches and terrorized everyone with terrible puns with Joker’s help, Garrus and Cullen spent far more time than necessary in the gun battery working on calibration software together, Tali challenged everyone to random galactic trivia battles, Vega just plain challenged _everyone_ , Dr. Chakwas busied herself with her medical reading materials, while Shaw and Liara spent time combing through data to see if they’d missed anything from any of their hard drive information that’d been gathered thus far. 

 

It was roughly another two weeks from that when Joker announced their arrival.  Jane went up to the cockpit and observed the viewing monitor as they neared Virmire’s orbit.  Her hand clenched the back of Joker’s seat.  Joker cleared his throat and looked up at her over his shoulder. 

 

“You okay, Shep?”

 

Jane swallowed thickly, “it’s...yeah.  I’m okay.”  She pushed those memories into the back of her mind for a later time.  “Where did the signal originate from?”

 

“Well, _if_ Aria’s info is _right_ \--” Joker sobered up instantly at the warning look from Shepard, “uh, yeah.  It’s supposed to have come from where the Salarian camp was on Virmire.”

 

“So...we have to go _down_ there.”

 

“Looks like it.  I doubt there’s much left of the actual facility down there, but if I were to guess?  That’s where they’d try to set up in as close as possible.  But, Shep...you’re going to have to be really damn careful.  I know the combat gear suits are _really_ awesome with filtration, but even they can’t fully block out radiation.  Why the hell did they choose to be here, this close to where we blew up a nuke?”

 

“It’s meant to be a slap in the face, Joker.” Jane sighed.  “Let’s get this shit over with.  Take us in.”

 

Joker puffed up his cheeks and blew out a long breath, nodding.  “You got it, Shep.”

 

Jane turned and called over her shoulder.  “Ping everyone to meet me in the commons.”

 

“Already done.”

 

Jane continued through the command deck to the elevator.  The emptiness of the area always stung her a bit.  Not that it was a big deal.  She’d rather not have a bunch of people milling about who might not come back from this mission than see the hustle and bustle of the past.  She stopped just for a brief second to drag her fingers over the console that Traynor used to stand at.  She shook her head, smiling at the bittersweet memory of the way Sam stumbled over herself when talking to EDI at that last hoorah party on the Citadel.  The AI was missed, oddly enough.  Then again, EDI had become far more than just an AI to the crew.  Swallowing the swell of guilt she always felt over _that_ since waking, Jane squared her shoulders.  She had a job to do. 

 

…..

 

Shaw checked her guns, making sure they were prepped.  Cullen stood to her right doing the same thing.  They were already decked in their armor.  Dr. Chakwas had personally inspected everyone’s armor to be certain the filtration systems and the medigel reserves were operational.  Shaw kept glancing up at Jane.  The Commander kept pacing the floor of the shuttle bay.  Cullen leaned over. 

 

“I don’t suppose you could enlighten me as to what is bothering Shepard?”

 

Shaw glanced up at him.  “One of her more famous mission stand-offs with an enemy easily four or five years ago now went down on Virmire.  She...lost a longtime friend and crew mate there.”

 

Cullen’s eyes clouded over with understanding.  He leaned back.  “I understand now.”

 

“This is kind of like returning to his grave only to find some jerks pissing on it.”

 

Cullen’s jaw clenched as he nodded once.  “Then, we simply kill the jerks.”

 

Shaw should have found his simple statement of killing disturbing, but it didn’t bother her.  Instead, it seemed like a natural thing.  Then again, maybe it was.  Maybe everything was grayscale now.  She slapped her ammo clip into the magazine holder and stepped around the tables and strolled over to where Jane kept pacing.  She could hear Cullen’s slightly heavier footsteps behind her.  Jane paused and turned to those going with her.

 

“Okay, so, refreshers.  We go in, we try to find whatever we can and get the fuck out of there.  There are radiation meters on our suits thanks to Doc.  No matter what, as soon as those meters get into the red, we bug out.  Nothing in there is worth getting radiation poisoning over.” Jane spoke, her eyes darting over each face. 

 

“Since I’m probably the best suited for radiation, I’ll take lead.” Garrus spoke up, snapping his sniper rifle back into place on his back after finishing pre-mission inspection.  Jane nodded at him.

 

“And then radio back what you find first.”

 

Shaw shifted and crossed her arms.  Joker’s voice come over the comms loud and clear that they were clear to go.  Jane gave the order and they went for the shuttle.  Jane, Garrus, Shaw, and Cullen climbed in.  Due to the nature of the mission, Garrus took the shuttle pilot’s seat and flew them out of the docking bay and down onto Virmire.  Jane’s good knee kept bouncing in anxiety.  Shaw reached over and put her hand on her sister’s knee. 

 

“Hey...we have our parameters.  We won’t waste time.  Okay?”

 

Jane looked at her, her eyes looking haunted.  “Yeah.”

 

Shaw squeezed Jane’s knee affectionately before sitting back.  Garrus found a safe landing zone and set the shuttle down. 

 

“All right.  Here we go.” Jane jumped up.  Everyone made sure their helmets were on and secured before she threw open the shuttle door.  Garrus and Jane exited first.  Shaw stepped up to the door.  Cullen stopped her with a quick tug of her against his chest before releasing her.  She glanced over her shoulder at him before jumping down the two feet to the ground.  Her boots kicked up a bit of sand as she landed.  Cullen dropped beside her. 

 

Garrus went ahead several yards.  Jane tapped her gun impatiently with her left hand.  He finally signaled back to them and they trudged forth.  The area had several half-ruined buildings and plenty of leveled damage all around.  Shaw took in the sights with a quiet respect for those who died there in the fight against Saren and the first Reaper they crossed paths with, Sovereign.  They made their way into the building before them.  The geiger meter bleeped as they moved forward.  Shaw pulled it up on her omni tool screen.  Her eyes bored into the numbers before she began to stride forward into the complex.  Jane barked out a warning demand but Shaw ignored it.  She moved right up beside Garrus and past.  The turian’s protest didn’t even register.  Shaw drew up short and turned to look at Jane. 

 

“It’s clean.”

 

Jane was stalking after her like an angry krogan.  “What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”

 

“Jane, _look_.” She held up her geiger meter.

 

Jane paused long enough to look.  She did a double take.  “That’s not possible.”

 

“Yet it’s reading no radiation.  We’re still within a mile of the blast zone, aren’t we?”

 

Jane shook her head as she spoke, “we’re a lot less than a mile.  I would say easily an eighth of that...if not less.”

 

“So then...why is there no radiation?  It’s only been four years.  It’s should take at _least_ a decade to clear even _part_ of the radiation left behind.”  Shaw questioned, scanning their surroundings.  “Something’s off.”

 

“Could the geiger meter be wrong?” Cullen asked as he stepped closer to the sisters. 

 

Garrus shook his head.  “Shouldn’t be.  I helped Dr. Chakwas with it myself.”

 

Shaw clucked her tongue and gestured.  “Let’s keep going then.  See what we can find.”

 

Jane nodded and took the lead instead.  They walked deeper and deeper into the facility, their geiger meters still reading no radiation.  Shaw and Jane pried open a door and stepped inside.  Garrus and Cullen drew up behind them.  All four soldiers stared at the mess that laid before their eyes.  Cerberus bodies littered the entire room.  Jane walked up to a body and knelt.  She looked over the dead man’s body at the wounds. 

 

“What the hell did this?” Garrus spoke as he nudged a dead body with his boot, using his sniper barrel to nudge the body over. 

 

Shaw bent to look at a body herself.  She studied the wound and frowned deeply.  “I’ve never seen a wound like this before.” 

 

Jane looked over to Shaw.  “Me neither.  It _looks_ like a heat round or a laser wound but it’s…”

 

“Weeping.” Shaw made a face.  “It almost looks like it’s moving.  But this has to be hours old...if not more.”  Shaw pulled out a small case and plucked a couple of vials.  “I’m getting samples for Chakwas.”

 

Jane looked back at the body at her feet.  “Take multiple samples from different bodies.”

 

Cullen was squatting beside a body not far from Shaw.  “Wounds do not typically look like they are burnt yet perfectly preserved as though fresh.”

 

“No, they don’t.  If they aren’t festering, they are usually less...goopy looking.” Shaw finished taking a sample, capping it, and moving with a fresh vile to the corpse by Jane.  “While I do this, why don’t you guys start looking around for any computers or anything--”

 

Garrus activated a security camera on one of the bodies.  Screaming came from the footage, men and women, along with gunfire.  A garbled voice came over the cacophony.

 

_“What is that?  What is that?!  W-wait!  Murphy!!  Don’t you leave us!!!  You fucking bastard!!”_ The sound of a shuttle taking off just barely cut over the other sounds.  _“Oh God!!  No!  No!  NO!!!  Ahhhhhh!!!!”_

Static crackled after a deafening crack like a round shredding through armor filled the audio.  Garrus back over.  “That...didn’t sound good.”

 

Jane stood slowly.  “Did it show what he was talking about?”

 

“No.” Garrus sighed.  “I’ll rip the video and audio for Liara to examine further back on Normandy.  But there’s one thing I _can_ tell you…”

 

“What?” Jane asked.

 

Garrus gestured to the bodies, “whatever killed these people...terrified the hell out of them.”

 

“He said _Murphy_.  Sounds like someone got away.” Shaw stood after collecting another sample. 

 

“Let’s get back to the Normandy and check in with Aria.” Jane sighed.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you ever get to the endnotes, knowing you had something to say and then...poof! It disappears? Yup. That's me. I've been DYING to get this chapter to you guys. Things are finally getting a wiggle on!


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter Twenty-Two**

**Twice Bitten, Thrice Shy**

_“You’ve got to be shitting me.”_

“Unfortunately for both of us, no.  I’m not.” Jane sighed as she pinched her brow.  Shaw watched her sister from by the comm room door out of Aria’s direct line of sight. 

 

_“All three Cerberus bases?  Someone’s fucking with me.  And I **hate** being fucked with.”_   Aria’s tone left no room for interpretation.  _“I’ve gotten all sorts of dossiers on people rushing to Omega that any one of them could be possibly a Cerberus agent fleeing.  You said the name was, what?  Murphy?”_

“That’s what the video audio picked up.”

 

_“I’ll run the name and see how many fucking Murphy’s there are on Omega.”_

 

“We’ll be there as soon as we can…” Jane shifted her weight to her left leg. 

 

_“If they didn’t come here, I’m afraid I don’t have a damn clue where else the damn Cerberus bastard could have gone, Shepard.”_

“I understand.  Shepard out.” Jane disconnected the comm call.  She turned around to lean on the console.  “What do you think the chances are this escapee flew to Omega?”

 

“Considering Omega is the closest, non-Alliance base known for being a place to lay low or hide on?  I’d say the chances are incredibly high.  If they _aren’t_ there, I’d be more surprised.”

 

“That’s what I thought.”

 

Shaw walked over and jerked her chin toward where Jane had just been talking to Aria.  “If they are there, let me handle questioning.  It’s what I was trained to do.”

 

“You think you can get them talk?”

 

“No.” At Jane’s frown, Shaw let her confidence show in her smirk.  “I _know_ I can.”

 

“I’ll believe you.” Jane yawned, “if only this shit was easier to handle.  Looks like we’ve got a little under half fuel reserves left.  Joker’s scanning for fuel depots around just in case we start running l--”

 

On cue, Joker’s voice rang out.  “Uh...Shepard?  You...you might want to come see this.”

 

“Did you find one?” Jane asked the room, frowning. 

 

“Again...I think you should come see this…”

 

Shaw rose a brow and shrugged, following Jane out.  They made haste to the cockpit.  Once there, Shaw swore colorfully.  Joker turned to look at them.  Jane’s face was frozen in terrorized shock. 

 

“I--is that...is it…?” Jane couldn’t seem to form her words properly. 

 

“Is the Mass Relay up and running?  Why, yes!  Yes, it surely is!” Joker answered with a hint of hysteria in his voice.  “I thought we destroyed them with the Crucible with, you know, the _fucking Reapers!!_ ”

 

Shaw shook her head slowly.  “But...we saw them all shut off.  And we saw the aftermath of the Relays too!  How--?”

 

“Someone’s found a way to turn them back on.” Jane deadpanned.  “The question that begs answering is, _who_?”

 

Joker looked at the screen.  “Well, boss.  What now?”

 

Jane squared her shoulders.  “Set the course for Omega and let’s jump with the Relay.  If we happen to find out who did this, then that’s technically part of our mission.”

 

Joker cleared his throat, “if we die, just know, I’m going to spend the rest of my dead existence telling you how bad of an idea this was in the afterlife.”

 

“Duly noted.” Jane rolled her eyes.

 

…..

 

Cullen stepped into the room, towel drying his hair as he did so.  It was less than twenty feet to the door from the men’s lavatory, so he’d left his shirt in the bedroom area.  Shaw was sitting on her cot, chewing her thumb while lost deep in thought.  Her eyes were trained on a few items of fabric laid out before her.  Cullen drew up beside her, looking down at the items.  A brow rose in question as he assessed what she was studying. 

 

“Does the answer you seek lie somewhere in the rumpled material before you?”

 

Shaw looked up at him then.  “Har, har.  You’re _so--”_ Whatever she’d been about to say died on her lips as her eyes scanned over his exposed torso slowly.  A jolt of pride and desire made his blood rush south at the way her mouth parted slightly as she openly admired his body. 

 

“Was there an end to that statement?” He couldn’t help the teasing smirk from tugging at his mouth. 

 

“Um...yeah…” Shaw cleared her throat and kicked the clothing items aside.  She rose to her feet and turned to face him.  Her hands lifted to slide over his torso as she lifted her face toward him.  “But you kind of distracted my brain.”

 

“Is that so?” He growled appreciatively as his hands grasped her shapely hips, pulling her flush with him.  The hitch in her breath told him she felt his hardened cock in his pants.  She shifted to roll her hips in a teasing rub across him.  His eyes narrowed at her.  He bent over her, forcing her to bend back with him.  “Are you certain you want to test how far my patience stretches?”

 

“If it leaves me stretched out under your naked body, then hell yes.”

 

Cullen nearly lost himself.  Shaw was a very bold woman.  Nothing like the women of his world.  Most of his experience were with women who, although warriors and soldiers alike, were still rather modest when it came to such topics.  He had to admit...he was _very_ pleased with how responsive Shaw was without holding back.  Cullen slid his hands down to her thighs.  He got a grip. 

 

_“Here we are.  Jumping through the mysteriously functioning Mass Relay in three, two, one…”_

 

Cullen’s annoyed grunt turned into a sound of surprise as he lost his footing from the way the Normandy shifted with the slip-jump.  Shaw squawked as they both tumbled ungracefully to the floor.  Her body hit the floor with a jarring thud, her hipbone digging into his groin.  Cullen rolled over with a hissed moan of pain, grabbing his crotch and biting his cheek.  Shaw gasped and moved to her knees, hovering over him. 

 

“Oh hell!  Are you okay?”

 

Cullen didn’t dare to speak in case whatever came out was less than impressive and intelligent.  He managed to get himself under control and moved up to his right hand and knees.  “...ow.”

 

“Shit...did I...um…?” Shaw fussing over him like that made him suddenly blurt out a laugh.  She sat back with a frown.  “Now you’re starting to really worry me.”

 

“Forgive me.  It’s just...amusing how concerned you are over the welfare of my body parts.”

 

Shaw blinked before she snorted and lightly shoved his left shoulder facing her.  “ _Some_ of them are more useful than others, apparently.”

 

Cullen looked up at her.  Her eyes sparkled with that glint of humor.  He glared at her completely in jest, “ah.  I see.  So all you desire from me is my body.  Good to know.”

 

Shaw laughed and moved to her feet, holding her hand out to help him up.  “In my defense, you _do_ have one hell of a fine ass body.”

 

Cullen’s cheeks flushed as he took her hand and rose without really using her aid.  “Can’t complain about your figure either in my own defense.”  He watched her bite her lower lip.  Maker save him…

 

_“Um...yeah.  So, we made the first jump.  Three to go.”_ Joker’s voice cut in again. Cullen was suddenly very tempted to break every single comm speaker in their room.

 

_“I want everyone ready to go.  We don’t know if the next jump will land us in a system with or without a working relay.  I want us all prepped for a fight just in case.”_ Shepard came over the comm system. 

 

Shaw swore colorfully as she stepped back.  Cullen shot her a look as she muttered something obscenities along the lines of blocking and a cock.  She cast a longing look over him once before she turned and started for the door.  “So much for a little _relief_ before all this shit.”

 

Cullen raked his hand through his mussed curls and cast a look around their shared quarters before he sighed.  Shaking his head, he snagged his t-shirt and frustratedly tugged in onto his body.  At least he knew he wasn’t the only one left wanting and dissatisfied.

 

…..

 

Shaw clipped her armor on methodically while studiously ignoring a certain man’s movements out of the corner of her eye.  That was proving to be far more difficult than anticipated.  Every flex and motion Cullen made caught her attention and just stoked the fire burning deep in her belly.  Clenching her jaw tightly, she came to the realization that all the times she’d been with Jay...not once did he made her feel so... _flustered_ just by looking at him.  Vega’s whoop of excitement actually startled her out of her distracted mind.  She jumped a bit and cursed herself for letting her libido get to her so intensely.  Straightening her back, she turned on her heels and caught the amber colored gaze that raked over her form appreciatively.  Fuck.  That...that really didn’t help quell the desire she was suffering.

 

Cullen finished donning his own armor and weapons.  Together, they walked over to the shuttle bay and sat down where all but Joker, Shepard, and Garrus sat waiting in limbo as they made the next relay jump.  Vega was drumming on the bench and his knees, half beat-boxing and half grunting out a tune that Shaw wasn’t sure if she should be able to place.  Liara stared at her omni tool while Tali fidgeted in her spot. 

 

“Hurry up and wait, huh?” Vega chuckled, continuing to drum and nod his head to the tune in his head. 

 

“Better to be prepared than sorry.” Liara hummed as she set her arm down and looked up. 

 

Cullen nodded next to Shaw.  “With no idea of what we may face or...where we may wind up, Shepard is correct in assuming and preparing for the worst.”

 

“Well, aren’t you just Sunshine Susie.” Vega snorted in good humor. 

 

“No.  Simply aware of what _could_ go wrong.” Cullen shrugged and glanced away. 

 

Shaw shifted so her back was to his right arm.  She leaned back on him and let her head fall onto his shoulder.  “So...this volus walks into a bar--”

 

“Oh, Keelah, you _are not_ about to tell _that_ bad joke!!” Tali shook her head, pointing at Shaw. 

 

Shaw snickered, feeling Cullen’s shoulder shake slightly with his chuckle.  “Come on!  It’s funny!”

 

“Uh.  No.  It’s really not.” Liara sighed, sounding like a tired mother.

 

“I’ve not heard this one…” Cullen drawled pointedly. 

 

“Ha!  All right.  A volus walks into a bar and says, _‘-gasp- I’m here -gasp- to -gasp- **lighten** the mood!’_ ”  Shaw chuckled at the joke.  Liara groaned and put her face in her gloved hand.

 

“I...I’m lost.” Cullen admitted.

 

“‘Cause, you know...Volus breathe methane gas and it’s lighter than air…?” Shaw explained, feeling her cheeks flush with embarrassment. 

 

“It’s a terrible joke either way.” Tali shook her head, unable to keep the amused tone out of her voice.

 

“You guys suck, you know that?” Shaw grumped, looking away again.

 

Cullen lightly bumped her head with his.  “At least you’re a better fighter than joker.”

 

Shaw blinked before she blurted out a laugh.  “Now that’s not very nice, Cullen!  Joker’s not to blame for being a bad fighter!”

 

Cullen shoved her.  “Oh, shut up.  You know what I meant.”

 

Shaw giggled and leaned back against his arm again.  “See?  I think I’m quite _hilarious_.”

 

Liara snorted before her cheeks flushed a bit with purple coloring.  She cleared her throat and straightened her posture.  “Yes, we can see that.”

 

The ship made that familiar lurching feeling of activating a Mass Relay jump.  Within the span of five minutes, the slight jolt of slowing down indicated they’d successfully jumped.  All breaths were collectively being held.  No alarms were going off yet.  That was a good sign, wasn’t it? 

 

_“You can breathe now.”_ Shepard spoke through the comms. _“We made the jump to another active relay.  I just checked with Aria and she says the relay there was just reported as being activated.  No ships were in the area of their relay.  So whoever, or_ whatever _, is fixing them...doesn’t seem to be staying around.  Keep ready just in case, but we should reach Omega by the end of the day.”_

“Keelah…” Tali sighed loudly, her voice trembling a bit through her suit speaker.  “I’m not sure I like the sound of this…”

 

“Tell me about it…” Vega grumbled.  “This ain’t soundin’ right.”

 

Shaw gnawed on her bottom lip.  Her mind racing over the possibilities.  “Besides...what we knew from limited communications...I...I suppose it’s _possible_ not all of the reapers were wiped out?”

 

“That ain’t a good joke, Little Lola!” Vega frowned at her.

 

“It’s not a joke.” Shaw sat up straighter.  “It’s...not _beyond_ the realm of possibilities.”

 

“No more so than being from a galaxy without technology and instead magic.” Liara added, looking at Cullen.

 

Cullen frowned, looking down at Shaw.  “It seems to me that they were difficult to defeat once before.  Would it be possible a secondary time?”

 

Shaw could actually feel her skin chill as the blood drained from her face.  “It took...an entire galaxy to pull itself together and fight as one, building a giant machine last time.  The same machine that was...destroyed when it was used.”

 

“...shit.” Cullen sighed, closing his eyes.

 

“Yeah…” Shaw frowned deeply.

 

…..

 

“So.” Garrus spoke, his dry tone nearly cracking in the very area.  “Any takers on the bet of how you’re going to die _this_ time?”

 

Jane shot him a dark look.  “I didn’t _die_ last time.”

 

“Oh, right.  Because comatose for months on end was a mark of complete health.”

 

“Garrus.” Jane started with that warning tone.

 

Garrus growled back at her, spinning on heel and marching out of the cockpit.  She mumbled something to Joker and followed him out.  Her small, five fingers hand grabbed his elbow.  He spun suddenly, knowing he’d catch her weak side.  She hitched harshly onto her bad leg and began to stumble sideways.  He caught her and yanked her until he had her pinned with his larger mass to the nearest wall.  His voice came out in a garbled, dual-toned, angry snarl.  “No.”

 

“No, what?” She sighed, glaring up at him.  “I haven’t even said--”

 

“You’re going to spew the usual fucking bullshit about how it will be okay.  Don’t tell me that shit again.  I lost you _twice_ , Jane.  _TWICE._   I’m your _mate_.  I will never, ever be okay with even the _thought or hint_ of losing you even once.  The first time, I didn’t even realize how much--” He broke off, closing his eyes.  He took a deep breath to steady himself.  “You are more than my lover.  You are my closest, most trusted friend.”

 

Cool, soft hands cupped his mandibles.  He opened his eyes to stare into her green ones.  He hissed in anger at himself as he saw the tears shining at the edges of her eyelids.  “You.  Won’t.  Lose.  Me.  Again.”

 

“You can’t promise that.” He sighed, keening softly in his subharmonics.  “You aren’t the woman to stand aside and let the galaxy burn.”

 

“No...but you’re not the turian to step aside either.  We’ve saved this galaxy _three_ times.  You know why?  Because we were _together_.  You and me.  Always.  There’s no Shepard without Vakarian.  Understand?  I came back because I have a stubborn ass to return to every time.”

 

“Jane…” He dropped his head to press their foreheads together.  He said with that motion everything he couldn’t vocalize aloud.  Jane pressed back, holding his face tenderly. 

 

“I love you, Garrus Vakarian.  Bet on that instead.”

 

He couldn’t speak, so instead he let his subharmonic speak for him.  She shivered slightly.  He smirked, knowing that since she’d updated her translation implant to a new prototype for humans to feel turian subharmonics, she could feel what he was saying.  She may not understand all the subtle nuances, but she could feel them.  They stood that way for longer than either of them knew.  It wasn’t until Joker cleared his throat and drew their attentions that they separated enough to look at him.

 

“We, uh, we’re about to exit the last relay to Omega…” Joker gestured over his shoulder with his thumb.

 

“Thanks, Joker.” Jane nodded at him.  Garrus stepped back to give her the room to adjust herself before slipping back into her Commander role.  She gave him a smile that made his stomach warm with that familiar ache that he always had around her.  He dipped to bump her nose with his quickly before nudging her toward the cockpit.  Her soft, musical giggle made him grin.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As much as I love writing Cullen loving...I love writing Shakarian just as much. There's just something about Shepard and Garrus that makes my soul happy. 
> 
> More development! Dun, dun, dun... Sometimes I feel like Joker is my spirit-animal. I missed that unique camaraderie in Andromeda. Along with many, many, MANY other things. But that's a rant for another time.


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter Twenty-Three**

**Numbers Don't Lie**

Omega looked...exactly the same.  Shaw wasn’t certain why that seemed _odd_ to her.  She shook her head as they prepped for their next steps.  Jane stood with her, leaning on the wall of the quarters Shaw and Cullen shared.  The elder Shepard had her arms crossed as Shaw was squatting before her bin of clothing she’d acquired last time on Omega.  Jane tapped her finger on her arm.

 

“You sure about this?”

 

Shaw rolled her eyes.  For the hundredth time it seemed.  “First off, yes.  For the last time, _yes_.  I’m _sure_.  I’m the best suited for this.  You are far too recognizable.  Anyone associated with Cerberus would peg you from a mile away.  Secondly, I’m not only unrecognizable to most of the galaxy...on purpose... _I’m trained_ in... _persuasion_.  I wasn’t dubbed the _‘Closer’_ by accident, Jane.”

 

“I know.  I get that.  I just...I’ve never seen you in this kind of shit before.  So excuse me for being a big sister and worrying about you.”

 

“I won’t excuse you.” Shaw smirked over her shoulder at Jane.  “There’s no way to excuse you from being _you_.”

 

“I...feel insulted and flattered.”

 

“Good.” Shaw stood finally with the one piece of fabric in her hand.  “There.  Found it.  Besides, Cullen with have my back.  He’s about as conspicuous as anyone _can_ be since he’s...you know...no even from our galaxy.”

 

“And how’s he going to handle hearing you possibly flirt or seduce another man into an interrogation?”

 

“...what are you getting at with that question?”

 

Jane rose a brow at her.  “Seriously?  You think I don’t know you two have crossed the line from friends to fucking?”

 

“Whoa!  Hey!  Language!”

 

“Pfft.  Riiiight.  _That_ bothers you.” Jane rolled her eyes, pushing away from the wall.  Shaw watched her expectantly.  When Jane just stared back, Shaw finally caved.

 

“...where’s the speech?”

 

“What speech?”

 

“The, ‘don’t let it affect your performance’ one?”

 

“I watched that man risk falling to a very painful, gruesome death to save your ass without compromising anyone else.  I’ve seen his precision in battle.  Yes, he’ll do anything to save you...but he’ll also make sure everyone gets back safely.  Even if it means he doesn’t.  I can see how he earned his credentials as a Commander wherever the hell he’s from.  I don’t _need_ to say it.  Besides, I’m not a hypocrite, kid.  I don’t give a rat’s ass about fraternization.  When you find real love and devotion, you don’t stop fighting for it.  Ever.”

 

Shaw pulled her lip between her teeth before she released it and flopped back onto her cot.  “How...how do you _do_ it?”

 

“Well, oddly enough, turian penises aren’t all _that_ different--”

 

“ _Not that!!!”_ Shaw threw her hands up, waving them to shut Jane up.

 

Jane snickered evilly before she shrugged.  “Garrus and I were friends first.  Then we became best friends.  The rest kind of just...fell into place.  Honestly, I think I always loved him.  I sure as hell respected the shit out of him.  Not everything is cut and dry.  Some things just...happen.  Some things that seem so right, so perfect...just don’t.”

 

“You’re referring to Jay, aren’t you?” Shaw asked dryly.

 

Jane moved to where Shaw sat and lowered to sit beside her.  “Yes.”  With a sigh, the older woman rubbed her thighs.  “Look, you and Jay...it was always too fucking perfect.  You were always too ready to just settle.  And apparently he never thought to stay completely loyal to you.  Knowing how he was, he was probably expecting you would just forgive him because of your past and move beyond it all when it _did_ come out.  At least...until a baby came into the picture.”

 

“I feel like I never knew him after all.” Shaw frowned, shaking her head.  “But...then here’s this...this man.  Who drives me absolutely insane!  And then...I can’t _stop_ thinking about him when I’m not around him.  And when I’m with him, I just feel...I feel…”

 

“Complete.”

 

Shaw looked at Jane.  Jane smiled back, knowingly.  “Is that...what it’s like with Garrus?”

 

Jane nodded.  “Yeah.  And a little piece of advice?  Don’t wait too long to figure out how you really feel.  In this line of work, in _our lives_ , tomorrow isn’t always guaranteed.”

 

Shaw watched Jane rise and walk out of the room.  Taking a deep breath, she stood and headed to the bathrooms.  After changed, she raked her hair up into a high ponytail.  Teasing her hair into a fluffed-up look, she set to work on her makeup.  The bodysuit fit her snugly.  The black, lycra like material parted from the hollow of her throat down to her navel with very transparent mesh.  The back also opened up in the same pattern from the base of her neck to the very base of her spine with the same mesh.  The thighs were exposed with the mesh material open all along the sides of her hips to her ankles.  She put her heeled boots on that went to her knees.  She turned and stepped out of the bathrooms to drop off her civvies.  Cullen stepped from the men’s room at the same moment.  She froze at the sight of him in a deep burgundy colored shirt with completely mesh sleeves in the same color with an odd black tribal like design that almost made him look tattooed underneath.  His black leather pants fit him like a damn fitted glove.  His jacket hung from his right index and middle off his right shoulder.  He glanced her way and she felt her breath hitch at the way his eyes trailed over her.  He groaned audibly as if in pain.

 

“Uh…” She started lamely.

 

“This is beyond unfair.” He growled, spinning on his heel away from her.  “Let’s get this damned thing over with.”

 

Shaw watched him walk away.  And she couldn’t even be _truly_ disappointed as the pants cupped his ass in a way that made her mouth water.  That backside could be stamped with a grade A prime logo.  She suddenly hoped no other woman had eyes or a sex drive as they made their way off the ship and onto Omega.  They had to walk far away from one another.  It wouldn’t due to let the Cerberus be tipped off that they were together.  Her earpiece activated, making her jump as she realized she was still staring at his ass as he walked a good thirty paces ahead of her. 

 

_“Is this really necessary?  I don’t see why I must wear these...ridiculously snug trousers.”_ Cullen’s voice sounded beyond put-out.

 

She bit back a smirk.  “Because, if our target happens to swing towards men...my particular display won’t do us a damn bit of good.”

 

_“...so I am bait.”_

“We both are.  So hush.” Shaw spotted several asari as well as a few women and even men eying Cullen as he disappeared into Afterlife.  She quickly swallowed her jealousy.  She had a mission and she couldn’t let her own personal feelings get in the way.  It hit her then, making her nearly stumble.  She was jealous.  Beyond a reasonable amount for someone in just a physical relationship.  She stopped in the walkway up to Afterlife, going onto autopilot in the entrance line.  Jane was right.  Shaw had never felt so utterly screwed.  She flashed her ID and got her entrance stamp.  Sauntering into the club, she immediately felt the deep bass beat thrum over her flesh.  She didn’t even see Cullen.  Which was probably a very good thing. 

 

_“Okay, I_ have _to say it.  As your older sister.  What the_ hell _are you wearing?”_ Jane came over the comm. 

 

Ah.  So Jane had eyes on the entrance.  Shaw moved for the bar and hailed the bartender, ordering a drink.  Using that as a cover, she spoke into the comm mic.  “I told you, I know what I’m doing.  Now shut up and let me do my thing.”

 

_“...I’m going to pretend you didn’t just tell your commanding officer to shut up.”_ Jane teased, half-heartedly.

 

_“To be fair, Shepard...she was talking to you as an older sister.”_ Garrus corrected.  _“It’s a sibling thing.  Trust me.  I know.”_

 

Shaw paid for her drink and drank a healthy swig.  She then used it as an excuse to walk around, looking more like she fit in.  She lifted it to cover her talking.  “Yeah, yeah.  You going to dance, Rutherford?”

 

_“I don’t dance.”_ Cullen replied tightly.

 

“No?” Shaw took a tiny sip, discretely spitting it back into the glass.

 

_“No.”_

 

Okay, so he was _not_ in a conversational mood.  She could respect that.  She sidled up toward the dance floor.  Standing on the outer perimeter, she hovered by an empty table.  She scanned the crowded club. 

 

_“To your left.  Back corner of the dancefloor.”_ Cullen suddenly spoke up.  _“He’s watching everyone nervously.  He also keeps glancing in your direction, Shaw.”_

 

Shaw rolled her head, spotting him in the process.  She could see the Cerberus logo on the jacket draped over the side of the bench he sat on.  That was definitely him.  She set her glass down and walked onto the dancefloor.  She moved to the spot closest to him that was open enough.  She swayed with the beat a bit before she started to dance.  Another dancer, alien race, stepped closer and she feigned a step back as though she wasn’t pleased by their proximity.  The alien glared at her before stepping away again.  She could see the man suddenly sit up straighter in interest at the obvious show of xenophobia.  Fake or otherwise.  She turned so that she didn’t see the rest of the dancers.  She made a face, shaking her head.  Then, she caught his gaze with her own.  The man flashed her a smile and a nod.  She tucked a stray bang behind her ear and smiled shyly, nodding back.  He raised his right hand and beckoned her closer.  She pointed to herself and he laughed, nodding more. 

 

Shaw slid off the dancefloor and moved over to his seat.  He moved for her to sit.  She sat down and smiled at him.  “Hi…”

 

“Annoying how they just take over the whole damn floor, huh?” The man nodding toward the dancefloor.

 

“Tell me about it.” She sighed, rolling her eyes.  “I can’t even dance in peace.  But, since I kinda got stranded here after all...you know…”

 

“Seems like a lot of us were stranded.  I just got here a couple weeks ago myself.” He sighed, leaning back. 

 

“Really?  How?  I thought the relays were destroyed.”

 

“Hm?  Yeah.  Well, ships can still travel outside them.”

 

_“Interesting...so they weren’t up yet when he came…”_ Liara’s voice come into Shaw’s ear.

 

“Why’d you come _here_ though?  I mean...this place has only gotten more... _crowded_ , if you know what I mean.” Shaw gestured to the others around with her head.

 

“I...saw something.” The man shivered.  “Shit ain’t completely right.  Fucking Shepard or not.”

 

Shaw had to bite her tongue.  “Take it you’re not a fan?”

 

“You kidding me?  I mean, sure, she saved the galaxy.  But there were _better_ ways.  Don’t believe everything the extranet says.” He shook his head.

 

“Mm.  I hear you.  I heard a rumor.  That we might have been able to work with the Reapers.  You think it’s true?” Shaw asked, baiting him a bit.

 

_“Shaw…”_ Jane warned through the comm.

 

He suddenly leaned forward.  Shaw blinked, pretending that she was a bit intimidated.  In reality, she was a second away from throat punching him.  “I _know_ it’s true.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah.” He leaned back.  “Hey...you want to step out of this place?  It’s a bit...crowded.”

 

Shaw smiled coyly.  “I thought you’d never ask.”

 

He chuckled and stood, holding his hand out to her.  She took his hand and let him lead her out of the club via one of the back exits that led to the back warrens and market.  He walked along the vendor stalls and shops.  He ducked into a walkway that led to one of the sky car depots.  They paused before the sky car depot as he swiped his credit chit to rent one of them.

 

_“Shaw, stall.  Don’t go with him alone without backup.”_ Jane ordered.  Shaw ignored her.  Then someone drunkenly slammed into her from behind.  She stumbled forward. 

 

“Whoa!” The man moved to the side.  Shaw hit the floor on her hands and knees.  She turned to look over her shoulder.  She nearly fucked up as she spotted the _drunk_ who stumbled into her.  The man, however, saved her from giving herself away.  “Hey!  Watch where you’re going, dick!”

 

Cullen drunkenly drawled in a thick Scottish brogue.  “S’rry mate…” He fumbled off just out of sight.  The man held out his hand to Shaw.  Shaw pushed up to her feet and let the man help her up. 

 

“What an ass.” He grumbled as he released her hand and pointed to the sky car.  “Ready?”

 

“Yes.” Shaw answered as she slid into the sky car.  She could feel the small GPS chip Cullen had stuck on her. 

 

_“Shaw!  Damnit!”_ Jane snarled into the earpiece speaker.

 

_“I’ve got it covered.”_ Cullen replied smoothly.  _“Tracker on her.”_

 

The man started the sky car and flew out of the port area.  “So, what’s your name?”

 

“Becka Hartford.” Shaw answered easily.  “And you?”

 

“Garret Murphy.”

 

Bingo. Shaw smiled for real then.  They pegged the right guy.  “So where are we going?”

 

“My ship.” He smirked back at her.  “If I didn’t read you wrong.”

 

Shaw smirked back.  “Not at all.”

 

The flight didn’t take too long.  He docked the sky car and they slid out.  He gestured to the small freighter type ship.  She followed him to it.  Right at the door, she scratched her back and unclipped the tracker.  She ‘tripped’ and caught herself on the ship entrance doorway.  The tracker stuck to the metal surface under her hand.

 

“Whoops!  That drink hit me a little harder than I thought…” She giggled and straightened. 

 

Garret grinned and backed into the ship.  “Really now?”

 

She ignored the hiss of the door sliding shut behind her.  He activated the lock and motioned her to follow him.  “Is it just you here?  I, uh, kind be kind of loud.  You know?”

 

Garret paused and looked back at her.  She bit her bottom lip.  His eyes focused on her lips.  “Just me.”

 

“Mm.” Shaw gestured to the bench seat in the commons area of the ship.  “Well then...let’s have some fun, shall we?”

 

Garret rose an eyebrow as he moved to sit.  “Yeah?  You like to ride on top?” 

 

“Doesn’t every girl?”

 

“...can’t say I’ve noticed.” He shrugged. 

 

Shaw slid to straddle his lap.  She lowered her voice and purred into his ear.  “Well this girl...likes the top.”  She shifted back, sliding her hands up her sides and over her breasts to her ponytail.  While her right hand was in her hair, she drew his attention back to her chest with her left hand, dragging it back down slowly.  She withdrew a hidden vial just barely the length of her pinky and just as wide around from her hair and uncapped the tiny syringe on the end.  Leaning forward, she draped her right arm back around him, shoving her chest right before his face.  Her left hand slid over his stomach before she stabbed him in the back of the neck, injecting the serum in one quick plunge.

 

“Mm...yeah baby, that’s what I--what the fuck?!” He threw her off him. 

 

Shaw quickly jumped off of him and smirked darkly at him.  He reached for the back of his neck but his arm suddenly fell limply to his side midway there.  “Didn’t momma ever teach you not to take strangers home?”

 

“...what...what the fuck did you do to me you bitch!?”

 

Shaw sauntered back up to him.  “Hmm...yes.  What did the nasty bitch do?  I gave you a little...shall we say, _liquid courage?_   At least that’s what I like to call it.  It’s really neat.  See, it enhances _every_ nerve ending.  So touch…” She dragged her fingers lightly over his chest and over his nipple.  He hissed and arched into her touch.  “Can feel _really, really good_...or…” She pinched his nipple.  His eyes went wide and he screamed loudly enough to almost hurt her ears.  “Hurt worse than anything you can imagine.”

 

“W-w-what...what do you want?”

 

“See?  So simple!” Shaw dropped the teasing instantly.  “I want answers.  Oh, and don’t try to lie to me.  This also messes with your neurological patterns that allow the brain to come up with false information.  It basically _slows_ that party of the brain.  So if you _try_ to lie...it will give you the mother of all headaches.  Instantly.  Ouch.  So!  Let’s start with a basic one.  Is your name Garret Murphy?”

 

He glared at her.  “You already _know_ that.”

 

“Exactly.  Call it a test.”

 

“Yes.” He hissed angrily.

 

“Where were you born?”

 

“...colony...in...Arcturus Stream cluster.” He winced. 

 

“Did you...did you seriously just try to lie to me?” Shaw rolled her eyes.  “You’re dumber than you look.”

 

“Fine!  Earth!” He groaned and laid his head back. 

 

“Why were you on Virmire?”

 

Garret paused before he took a deep breath.  “Business.”

 

“No shit, Sherlock.  _What_ business were you trying to perform?”

 

“C-Cerberus.  We were trying to...set up a base there, okay!  No one would look there!  All we had to do was figure out how far away from the radiation zone we needed to be!  We set up a bunch of geiger counters and really new equipment some guy who gave the order higher up sent us.  We were there for a couple month, tested out signals and that shit…”

 

“Who sent the orders?”

 

“I don’t know!  Nobody knows him!  Like the Illusive Man before, he doesn’t really _reveal_ himself to us!  We just follow the orders.” Garret scoffed. 

 

“I find it hard to believe there’s no name he goes by.” Shaw crossed her arms.  “Try again.”

 

“...you’re such a fucking bitch.”

 

“Wrong answer.” Shaw punched him.  He howled in pain, hanging his head and whimpering.  “Try shit like that one more time, Murphy, and I’ll go below the belt.”

 

He looked up, real fear in his eyes.  “Okay, okay!  Uh...he...he went by...by…”

 

“One...two...three...four--”

 

“Phantom!  He called himself Phantom!”

 

“What the hell is up with Cerberus and it’s stupid ass code-names?” Shaw grumbled.  “Is that _all_ you know about him?”

 

Garret ground his teeth, looking away. 

 

“Not answering is as bad as evading the question.  I don’t have to kill you.  In fact, I plan to make you _beg for death_ if you don’t give me what I want to know.”

 

“He used to work for the Illusive Man himself!  He supposedly was killed by Commander Shepard back before the Reaper shit happened!  Then...he turned up after the dust started settling.  Issuing orders in place of the Illusive Man.”

 

Shaw frowned, turning information over in her head.  Jane, however, supplied the next reply through the earpiece.  _“Son of a fucking bitch!!”_

 

“Take it you know him?” Shaw asked her mic.  Garret frowned before he realized what she was doing.  He began to swear colorfully.

 

_“You think?  Kai Leng.  The Illusive Man’s personal pet assassin. Well, now we know who’s behind the Cerberus game.”_

Shaw pursed her lips as she rolled what she knew through her head.  A certain piece rose up.  “You said you saw something, earlier this evening, before you came to Omega.  What was it?  What had you fleeing Virmire?”

 

He looked at her then.  She felt dread pool in her gut at the incredibly potent, true terror in his gaze.  “I...don’t know _what_ it was.  I...I only saw a _part_ of it.  As I ran away.  It...it wasn’t...normal.  Nothing like what we’ve ever seen.”

 

“...wait...you didn’t clean Virmire’s radiation, did you?”

 

“No.  _It_ did.  _It_ landed from the sky.  Just _It_.  And _It_ planted these...these...machines...and then they just cleaned the air!  Like that!  And then it saw our engineers.  I...I’ve never...I’ve never seen people...m-melt before…”

 

Shaw stared at him.  His eyes were haunted.  She cleared her throat.  “How many of you were there?”

 

“...thirty?  Yeah.  We started with thirty.”

 

“...we only found ten or fifteen at most…”

 

“Yeah, well, it _melted_ at least five of them.  And it wasn’t quick.  I could hear them screaming and then the--the smell...and their gurgles…” He shook his head.  “I ain’t proud of leaving the rest behind.  But I...I couldn’t wait for them.  _It_ was coming.  And I...I wanted to _live_!  We just survived the fucking Reapers!  You know?”

 

“You...left your men behind because _you wanted to live_.” Shaw repeated slowly.

 

“Yeah!”

 

“You know, I bet they wanted to live too.” Shaw shook her head in disgust at him. 

 

“They were slowing me down!  I couldn’t--”

 

“You couldn’t be bothered to _wait_!!  _You_ are just as much to blame for their deaths as whatever it was that attacked you!”

 

“What would _you_ know?!  I bet you’ve left so many to die too!  Everyone has!”

 

“...no.” Shaw sighed, “people like Jane Shepard...never leave people behind.  Not if she can help it.  She paid the ultimate price for our survival.  For the whole _galaxy’s_ survival.  She _barely_ lived.  And a piece of shit like you...you’re just a waste of breath.”

 

_“Shaw, we’ve got what we need.  We’re almost there to pick you up.”_ Jane sighed into the earpiece.

 

“I’ve got to finish tying this up.”

 

_“What?  He’s given us all he can on Cerberus and what happened on Virmire.”_

“I’ll be outside the ship waiting for you.” Shaw reached up, flicking off the earpiece mic and comm.  The last thing she heard was Jane trying to ask her what she meant.  “Now, last couple of questions.  How many alien species have you killed for Cerberus?”

 

“What?” Garret looked up, confusion on his brow.  “What the hell does that have to do with anything?”

 

Shaw glared at him, stepping closer.  He began to stutter.

 

“H-hey now!  I mean...w-who keeps count?!  Right?”

 

“Three hundred twenty-nine.” Shaw spoke flatly.  “Three hundred twenty-nine people, human or alien.  That’s how many I’ve killed in my life.  Most of them were bad people.  There were innocents among them.  Those were Alliance orders at the time.  The only ones I didn’t keep track of were Reaper forces.”

 

“...see?  Orders!  Innocents, guilty...they’re all orders in the end!”

 

“You’re right, you’re right.” Shaw held her hands up placatingly.  “I mean, a little enjoyment here or there…”

 

“Exactly.” He sighed.  “Besides, most of them are guilty in the first place.  Aliens always push further than what they should.”

 

“Thank you for making this easier for me.”

 

“Uh...y-you’re welcome?”

 

Shaw reached into her boot and withdrew a secondary vial.  She moved swiftly, stabbing him in the chest with the second vial.  He screamed and looked at her.  Then his eyes bulged before he began to convulse violently, choking and flopping like a fish out of water.  Stepping back and chucking the empty vial to the side.  She walked away, hacking the door and stepping out.  “Three hundred thirty.”

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been enjoying the FINALLY sunny weather up here in the PNW with my family. I think we hit the upper sixties or lower seventies today. So nice. Can't wait to start my vegetable garden! Hope you guys are holding out well!


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter Twenty-Four**

**Fears Renewed**

Cullen landed the sky car roughly.  Releasing the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding, he looked over to see Shaw enter the ship.  He was desperately trying to ignore the suggestive comments and...breathy way Shaw was speaking to _that man_.  He stepped out of the sky car once they were locked inside.  He walked over to the ship and leaned on the outside. 

 

  _“Is it just you here?  I, uh, kind be kind of loud.  You know?”_   Cullen narrowed his eyes at Shaw’s comment.

_“Just me.”_

_“Mm.  Well then...let’s have some fun, shall we?”_  His jaw clenched at the way she purred through the earpiece. 

 

  _“Yeah?  You like to ride on top?”_   Maker’s breath, he wanted to snap the man’s neck with his bare hands.

_“Doesn’t every girl?”_  That was it.  He couldn’t hear anymore.  He reached up and turned off his earpiece.  He leaned his head back against the ship hull and closed his eyes.  Forcing himself to breathe deeply and evenly.  He...was so damn screwed.  If he couldn’t do a simple mission of information extraction without being disabled by his own jealousy issues...what the hell good was he?  However, no matter how hard he tried not to...he couldn’t stop picturing Shaw naked with another man.  It made his blood boil.  The grip he hand on his own upper arms would probably leave bruises.  His jaw was beginning to ache from the angry grind he was torturing his teeth with.

 

A ping sound made him look down.  He opened his omni tool.  A message from Shepard popped up.  _Lost your connection.  You good?_

Cullen snorted angrily.  He nearly sent, _what the hell do you think?_ Instead, he typed out a brief message, _just needed a...quiet moment._

 

_She’s almost done extracting.  If the guy’s screams of pain are any indication…_

 

“Pain?” Cullen quirked a brow at that.  He reached up and turned his earpiece back on.  On cue, a howl of pain erupted from the man. 

 

_“Try shit like that one more time, Murphy, and I’ll go below the belt.”_

Cullen couldn’t stop the smirk from spreading on his lips.  He kept quiet, however and listened as she got the information out of him.  Up until she turned her earpiece off.

 

_“Damnit!  Damnit, damnit, damnit!  Cullen, are you nearby?  She’s going to kill him.”_ Jane sounded worried. 

 

Cullen glanced at the door and hesitated.  Why was he hesitating?  _“I’m nearby.”_

 

_“Stop her if you can.”_

 

Why?  He froze at the stray thought.  He frowned deeply at himself.  He wouldn’t have hesitated in the past.  Would he?  Had Evelyn needed him to stop her from murdering someone out of a misplaced sense of judgment...he would have.  Wouldn’t he?  So why...did he want to let Shaw?  He pushed away from the hull.  He turned right when the hissing of the ship door proceeded Shaw.

 

“Three hundred thirty.” She spoke so softly he almost didn’t hear her.  He stepped closer and she turned to look at him.  “Cullen.”

 

He glanced at the door.  Reaching up, he turned off his earpiece for the second time.  “You kill him?”

 

“...” She glanced behind her.  “Yes.”

 

“Why?” He asked, with true curiosity and no judgment.

 

“Two reasons.  He killed alien species just because they weren’t human.  Then...leaving him alive...made a loose end that whether Jane likes it or not...would cause big problems.  Such as this Kai Leng finding out that we now know who he is.”

 

Cullen stepped up to her and pulled her to him.  He felt it then.  She was trembling just barely.  Damn him.  He should have stopped her.  “I would have done it for you.”

 

“I know.” She whispered.

 

“You didn’t have to shoulder this alone.”

 

“...I know.”

 

Cullen pulled back and kissed her forehead.  “Go get in that sky car over there.” He pointed to the one farthest from them where he’d _landed_ earlier.  She nodded numbly and walked over there.  Once she was to the sky car, he turned and approached the ship.  He pulled the tracker off the side and stepped into the ship.  He didn’t bother looking at the dead man with bloody froth in his mouth lying, wide eyed, and lifeless just a handful of feet to the right.  He turned to the cockpit and set to flicking on the console.  He reviewed the information he’d been taught by Garrus.  Setting the engine information to ignite and accelerate while the ship wasn’t prepared to disengage the dock clamps.  Once he was satisfied, he quickly left the ship.

 

He ran to the sky car and jumped inside.  He quickly lifted off and started to fly away.  He turned his mic on.  “Shepard...there was an issue with the ship’s engines.  It’s going to blow.  He tried to trap Shaw in the ship, I just got her out--”

 

On cue, the ship exploded behind them.  The shockwave nearly knocked them out of the air.  Shaw looked at him wide-eyed.  He cleared his throat. 

 

“And it just went up…”

 

_“We just saw that from here.  You the sky car heading away?”_

 

“Yes.”

 

_“Shit.  Head back to Normandy.  We’ll reconvene there.”_

“Understood.”

 

Shaw cleared her throat as he turned off his comm again.  “Why…?”

 

“I told you.  You don’t have to shoulder this alone.”

 

“You know...she could have you court-martialed for this?”

 

“I’m aware of the repercussion of my actions.  And yours, _lieutenant_.” He shot her a loaded look.

 

Shaw turned away from him with a heavy sigh.  “Twice…she’s going to kill me.”

 

“Once.  What she doesn’t know won’t kill her.”

 

“You’re planning to _lie_ to Command Jane Shepard of the Alliance, Hero of the Galaxy?” Shaw looked back at him with a shake of her head.  “Damn.  _You_ have balls of pure titanium, sir.”

 

“You would know.” He smirked, keeping his eyes forward even as his cheeks warmed.

 

Shaw cleared her throat.  She blushed a very attractive shade of pinkish-red.  He chuckled at her sudden embarrassment.  A small quiet fell over them before she took a deep breath and released it slowly.  “You know...all of that talk was just for show, right?  I didn’t mean a word of it to him…”

 

Cullen’s hands tightened on the steering mechanism.  His lips thinned in distaste.  “Yes.  I am aware.”

 

“Are you...upset?”

 

“...I’m not pleased.”

 

She licked her lips and shifted to look at him better.  “Why?”

 

“What do you mean, why?” He asked incredulously.

 

“Why...are you not happy?”

 

“Are you bloody serious?” He looked at her as if she had grown a second head.  “On _what_ plain of existence would I be _okay_ with the woman I’m intimate with _flirting suggestively_ with another man?!”

 

She studied him closely and he sighed in exasperation. 

 

“Stop it.” He growled.

 

“Stop what?!” She sat back, a peeved look on her face.

 

“Stop dissecting my expression to see if I’m telling you the truth.  I _am_.”

 

Shaw blinked before she laughed, almost sounding nervous.  “Damn, you can read me well.”

 

“I’ve spent a rather extensive amount of time with you.  I would hope I’d picked up _some_ nuances.”

 

“Hey...um...how did you pull of that Scottish accent so well earlier?”

 

Cullen frowned at her.  What the hell was she talking about?  “Scottish accent?”

 

Shaw waved her hand.  “You know...when you playing at being a drunk, bumping into me and planting the tracker?”

 

“...Oh!  That was a Starkhaven brogue.” He quirked a brow at her.  “You have...something similar?”

 

“Well, yeah.  Can you do it again?”

 

Cullen’s confusion turned to a grin.  “You liked it.”

 

“What?  No!  I just...wanted...to see if it was...really the same thing…” She blushed dark red.  He’d caught her red-handed and she knew it.  He laughed.

 

“You did!  Admit it!”

 

“It’s not--you--” She huffed and sat back as he laughed at her expense.  He regained control of himself and cleared his throat. 

 

“Aye, lass.  I can pull a Starkhavener from time to time.  Me captain and friend, Rylen, was from Starkhaven.  Ye get a bit used to the sound after a bit.” He said, mimicking the Starkhaven tone he’d remembered hearing from Rylen.

 

Shaw stared at him, looking damn near awestruck.  “Fuck.”

 

He laughed, shaking his head and dropping it.  “That does it for you then?  My normal voice isn’t good enough then?”

 

“Oh, you’re damn sexy as hell with your British accent.  The Scottish one just...I don’t know.  From anyone else it’s...meh.  But from you?  Damn…”

 

“I’m not wearing a damn kilt for you.  Sorry.”

 

Shaw laughed, throwing her head back.  “That’d be _quite_ the sight.  So I take it Starkhaven must be like our Scotland on Earth.”

 

“I suppose so.  Since you know what a kilt is.”

 

“Mm, yep!  I wonder...what else is similar or even the same with just different origin names.”

 

“Maybe we can find out.” Cullen smiled warmly at her as he approached the dock for the sky cars.  His face drained of color then.  He’d barely landed this thing the first time.  And that had been in an empty dock.  This one was crowded.  “Uh...Shaw...we may have a slight issue.  I’m unsure as to how to properly land this thing.”

 

“...you’re joking?”

 

“Afraid not.”

 

Shaw snorted and started to shift around until she slid over into his lap.  He leaned back as she took control of the wheel and stretched to push the different pedals with her feet.  She guided the sky car down and with a little effort on both their parts, managed to land it with a little jolting motion.  He breathed out a sigh of relief.  She snickered and opened the door, stepping out first.  He followed her out. 

 

“You know, for your first time flying one, you did well.”

 

“Yes well...let’s just not do that again.  Hm?”

 

She smirked at him.  “Or maybe I should take you out and teach you the proper way to fly.”

 

“Maker no!” He shook his head.  “Once...once was enough.”

 

…..

 

Jane drummed her fingers on the table as they went over the dossiers Liara dug up on Kai Leng and coincidentally, what finite amounts were out there on the Illusive Man.  It would have helped had they any idea what the hell the Illusive Man’s name had been _before_ he became his code name.  Liara finished up voicing her findings.

 

“So...he’s an Earth born Alliance boy.  One who had some xenophobic views.  I can see why he was basically pushed to resign.” Jane sighed.  “He took up the Illusive Man’s mantle.”

 

“At least we have an idea of what he’ll aspire to do, for the most part.” Garrus shrugged. 

 

Vega grunted, “yeah, whatever kills anything not human fastest.”

 

Jane’s lips thinned.  “And what better way to do that, then to make it look like other species are taking advantage of humanity’s weakened state right now.  Earth was the final battleground for the Reaper war.  If he can make it look even a _little_ like _any_ of the other species are trying to exploit that fact…?”

 

“As much as that sucks.  I’m a bit more concerned with the fact there was something with weapons that literally _melted people into non-existence._   We didn’t find those bodies on Virmire.  Not to mention the fact that Chakwas found strange readings in the samples we took.  _And_...adding to even that...there is no known technology in _this_ galaxy that can clean nuclear radiation in seconds.” Shaw began to fidget in place.  “The species war can _probably_ be contained.  All it will take is a few communications to the main parties talking galaxy wide, warning them about what this Phantom douchebag could be up to.  A possibly foreign galactic species with the type of tech that makes even the asari look like mewling toddlers is a _bit_ more pressing, I think.”

 

“I have to agree with Shaw on this, Shepard.” Liara frowned, tapping at her datapad.  “I also suspect the lifeform this Murphy believes he may have glimpsed or at least ran from...may be the same ones responsible for the relays being fixed and reactivated.  It certainly seems well within their abilities.”

 

“This is sounding more and more like another situation similar to chasing Saren.” Tali sighed.

 

“At least now the galactic powers _should_ listen to us.” Garrus pointed out.  Jane shot him a disbelieving look.  He held his hands up in defense.  “I _did_ say, _should_.”

 

A knocking sounded on the frame of the doorway to the conference room.  All eyes turned to the door as Dr. Chakwas stepped inside.  “I finally have a few answers for what caused the type of damage you found on those bodies on Virmire.  And it’s not going to be joyful.”

 

Jane’s brows pinched together.  “I’m somehow not surprised.  What did you find, doc?”

 

Dr. Chakwas walked up to the console and activated it.  She inputted her code and pulled up her files she’d collected.  A chemical compound showing the protons, electrons, neutrons, and tying strands that made up the composition of a substance sprung up before them all in the middle of the table.  “This is a very complicated base substance.  It is incredibly far into the base end of the acidic index.  In other words, it is akin to any of the strongest hydroxides.  Lithium hydroxide, sodium, potassium, rubidium, barium, calcium…”

 

“What are you getting at?” Vega asked, looking over at Chakwas.

 

“One...look closely at this composite.  These here…” She gestured to some of the ball figures, “these are almost the same amount and placement as strontium.  Except, it has two more.” She looked around at each face.  “This is _new_ to our galaxy.  Nowhere in our galaxy does this exist.  Not only that...I also found something both...intriguing and honestly a bit terrifying.”

 

Jane quickly shot Chakwas a sideways glance.  Dr. Chakwas activated another image.  Jane looked at it and tilted her head to the side.  “What is that?  A diagram of a machine?”

 

“Fucking hell.” Shaw said, her face going pale.  “Is...is that a nanobot?”

 

“Yes.  It is, lieutenant.” Chakwas sighed, pointing to it.  “And _it_ is quite a terrifying little piece of technology.  I believe you all recall how indoctrination works, correct?  Affecting the mind?  _This_ is just a version of the actual nano-robotics used.  I looked into some of the samples taken from tissues gathered by Earth doctors after the Reapers fell from the infected species.  Each and every one had something _similar_ to this.  Un-noticeable at first.  Just an odd blip on the chemical compound charts.  Which are usual in death subjects as bodies release all sorts of chemicals that react and do all sorts of unpleasant things.  However, upon closer inspection...those were dead nanobots.  The Crucible killed them.  Fried them.  These...these are healthy and were learning.  These weren’t meant to create but to destroy and learn from what they were eating.”

 

Vega made a gagging sound and turned away.  “I think I’m gonna be sick.”

 

Garrus stared at Chakwas, his mandibles lax on his face.  Tali’s glowing eyes stared blankly at the image.  Shaw turned and walked out.  Liara’s hand covered her mouth in horrified silence.  The only one left looking the least phased was Cullen.  Jane leaned forward onto the table. 

 

“...just when I think...I’d seen the worst this universe has to show…” Jane closed her eyes.  “Doc...do you believe these things could very well likely be connected to the Reapers?”

 

Karen Chakwas, the pillar of ease through most of the levels of hell they’d seen, swallowed thickly.  Clearly, visibly shaken.  “I would stake my career on that bet.”

 

Jane grit her teeth.

 

Liara made an odd gasping sound that nearly sounded like a sob.  She turned and left the room after Shaw.  Vega shook his head, pacing in place before he made a strangled growl and stormed out.  Tali quietly sidled out.  Garrus moved to stand beside her, squeezing her arm before he too walked out.  Probably to go work on arithmetic and calibrations to ease his mind.  Even Joker’s comm was eerily quiet.  Dr. Chakwas eventually cleared her throat, uttering a soft ‘excuse me’ before departing. 

 

Cullen, however, stayed.  Jane looked up finally, hating the fact she had tears gathering behind her lashes.  He stared back at her resolutely.

 

“I watched my entire world fall to an insane magister who believed himself a god.” Cullen stated softly, “I watched two circles of mages crumble.  I was a prisoner in one to blood mages.  I’ve seen horrors beyond comparison.  Men and women twisted into vile, bloodthirsty monsters from demonic possessions. This…” he nodded to the image, “although it looks beyond hope...is not unstoppable.  Everything has a weakness.  I _will not_ watch this galaxy be destroyed, Shepard.  No matter _what_ I have to do.”

 

Jane swallowed the lump in her throat.  Her voice cracked when she spoke.  “You may not have a choice…”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just the idea of Cullen mimicking a Starkhaven brogue makes me all aflutter. And...blushy. And Cullen flying a skycar and scaring the crap out of himself makes me quite happy. Many a snorts and giggles occurred while I wrote that. The hubby kept shaking his head at me and asking if I was torturing the poor Commander again.


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter Twenty-Five**

**What Goes Up...**

The cold bench in the portside rec room was as uncomfortable as the disquiet in her heart.  Shaw stared blankly at the shuddered window.  She held her hands clasped together while her elbows were resting on her knees.  She ignored the sound of the door sliding open.  The bench dipped slightly to her right. 

 

“By the Goddess…” Liara sighed, leaning forward, burying her face in her hands. 

 

“I just read all the files Chakwas compiled.” Shaw replied, monotonously.  “I should have known better than to believe we could have succeeded.”

 

Liara dropped her hands to her lap and slid back, reclining against the couch back.  “I wonder what lives we would have led if we’d never come across a Prothean beacon?”

 

“Bliss is ignorance, they say.”

 

“Is it?” Liara asked, frowning at Shaw.  “Are we not better off knowing what is coming?”

 

“Death shouldn’t come pounding on your front door at three am, demanding everything you own.  It should come like a thief in the night, when you least expect it.”  Shaw looked at her feet.  “Remember the horror we all felt when we heard what the Collectors were doing to humans?  When the galaxy dismissed Jane for the second time?  Now, at least, I think I have a few answers left in the air as to _how_ they liquidized people into simple genetic goo to form a reaper.  How many other species out there have they done this to?  How many people have watched their entire worlds crumble?”

 

“I am not certain that’s an answer any of us really wish to know.”

 

Shaw nodded in agreement with Liara.  She didn’t.  She really, really didn’t want to know the answer to that loaded question.  Liara stood and gently squeezed Shaw’s shoulder as she passed.  Tapping her right forefinger on her knee, Shaw blew out a long-suffering sigh and rose as well.  She needed an escape.  So her feet led her to her shared quarters where a certain blonde man sat, shirtless, on his cot reading something on his datapad.

 

…..

 

Jane didn’t look up as Cullen passed by her.  Instead she waited until she’d finally been left alone.  She released the quivering breath she’d been holding.  Her knees buckled and she fell to the floor.  Only her white knuckled grip remained on the table above her head.  Her vision was blurred over.  Numbness settled in the pit of her roiling stomach.  Just how much...what _more_ was she going to have to give.  She wasn’t a selfish person by nature.  But wasn’t it enough already?  When was it _fucking enough?_   She couldn’t say.  She didn’t know.  And she didn’t know where to begin.  Like the moment before she lost consciousness over a random planet, watching her ship blow up in pieces before her dimming gaze...she was adrift in a sea of space with no idea of where she ended and it began. 

 

_“Look...I’m no good at this whole...motivational speech shit.  But, uh, if anyone can figure out a way to stop this crap fest from going down...it’s this crew, Shep.”_

 

Jane sniffled loudly, dropping her hand to wipe away some of her tears and even nose drippings.  She blurted out a wet laugh.  “Yeah...I know, Joker.  Just, uh, pretend you didn’t hear or _see_ this.”

 

 _“You’re not a God, Jane.”_ Joker sighed.  _“Remember to be_ human _too.”_

Jane looked up then.  Blinking her tears away she pulled herself up.  Regaining herself, she turned sharply.  “You’re right, Jeff.  Thanks.”  She marched out of the conference room.  Her feet carried her easily to where she _needed_ to be.  If anyone spotted her unseeing flight, she didn’t give a damn.  The main battery door slid open.  She stepped inside and barely locked the door behind her before she strode up to the turian general turning to regard her.  He didn’t bother to ask.  He could see it in her face and she knew it.  The datapad in his taloned grip was dropped as she launched herself into him.  He plucked her smaller form up and spun, setting her backside on the console behind him.  The same precious console he did all his fucking calibrations on.  Well, he’d have one more _calibration_ to add to his list there.

 

Their mouths collided; soft flesh against hardened plates.  Jane didn’t register the clunks of armor hitting the metal flooring.  She also didn’t notice the dull thwack of her boots slamming against the wall beside the door.  A small blip of awareness went off in her subconscious mind at the small burst of chilled air against her bare backside.  It was then swallowed back into the overflowing feelings she was drowning in.  Everything sharpened into a pinpoint focus as her mate stretched and filled her completely.  Her head fell back, a purely primal noise bubbling forth from deep within her.  The sharpened points of turian teeth dragged over the column of her throat, the rough texture of tongue swiping along in swirling patterns.  The instinctual feeling of being prey was completely absent and replaced with a shiver of complete carnal lust.  Then he began to move within her slick folds.  Jane couldn’t tell what was coming from her lips.  Were they cries of pleasure?  Sweet nothings?  Dirty secrets?  A newfound language she’d never remember?  It was inconsequential in the tide of motions.  Something, barely coherent, crossed the forefront of her mind and she spoke something without ever thinking it thoroughly.  But it was something from deeper within her than she’d ever know and it was as though some form of truth just...came out of her.  And she’d be damned if she knew what the hell it was.  Her hip rocked and rolled with Garrus’ every thrust until she spoke.  He stilled, frozen for a split second.  Her muddled brain tried to restart from scratch.  She looked at him, trying to form words to ask why he stopped. 

 

Garrus made a snarl so vicious and sudden that it actually startled her.  His hands shifted, lifting her hips so quickly before he began to furiously pound her into oblivion.  She barely scrambled her hands in time to support herself before she was howling in bliss.  The pace and force coming from her mate was just on the cusp between glorious, toe-curling pleasure, and pain.  She couldn’t catch her breath as she made sounds that would make an ancient asari matriarch blush.  Garrus met every single one of her keens with a growling groan that matched her desperate race for completion.  And she did.  Oh...did she.  She came harder than she could probably recall.  She even saw stars and closed her eyes, drinking in the euphoria of her orgasm.  Her voice failed her, her lungs nearly stopping for a handful of minutes.  She didn’t even have to heed the usual warning of staying still as Garrus completed, buried to the hilt inside of her.  His member swelled within her as he spent himself fully.  She was so bone tired and limp, she probably would have fallen backward off the console if not for the heaven-sent bar that was located above the console and currently pressed into her shoulder blades. 

 

When her brain finally began to turn over again, she breathlessly asked him, “what the hell did I say…?”

 

Garrus pulled back from where he’d rested his face in the crook of her neck.  His blue eyes were unguarded and completely full with an awestruck quality.  “Do...do you remember...back when we...were making the final push for Earth?”  His breathing was ragged, causing him to take deep breaths as he spoke.  She frowned and looked to the ceiling for a moment.  Then, like a small clearing in a foggy night, she nodded slowly.

 

“Yeah...you said something my translator didn’t pick up.  Mid-motion.  You told me it was something you’d explain someday but that wasn’t the time…”

 

“...it’s…” Garrus sighed, looking lost for a moment.  “It’s an _old_ superstition among turians.  That...a life mate is something that is...hm...predestined?  If the mate is truly a life mate, something will be spoken unconsciously to seal the deal, basically.  I really didn’t...I mean…”

 

“...I just said the thing, didn’t I?”

 

Garrus laughed, out of breath.  “Yeah.  You said the thing.”

 

“Well...damn.  I don’t...I mean, I’m flattered.  And really proud of that.  But, how is that possible?”

 

“Beats the hell out of me.” Garrus pushed his forehead against her sweaty one.  She smiled, closing her eyes.  “When I said it, I never thought you’d ever say it back.  It’s not like you would have known the words or whatever the hell it was.  Plus...you’re from Earth.  A human.”

 

“I’m not a superstitious person.” Jane stated bluntly.  “But, if I were to start believing in something...I think this is a damn good place to begin.  Would make a hell of a lot of sense considering what we’ve gone through together.”

 

“Yeah…it would.” Garrus breathed in deeply.  “Now that I know we have a universally destined and grounded thing here...I’ll be damned if I let some stupid microscopic robots take it away from me.”

 

Jane snorted, sitting up as they slowly pulled back enough to right themselves.  She felt the loss of him within her keenly.  She shifted on the console with a slight sheepish grimace.  “Sorry about your calibration station.  It’s a bit...sticky now.”

 

Garrus grinned back at her.  “You know...if I thought calibrating stuff would get me thoroughly laid as an adult, I’d probably have stopped trying to hide that geeky side of me so much.”

 

Jane burst into laughter, unable to stop herself.  She dropped her head to his shoulder, losing herself in her mirth.  Garrus’ shoulder moved with his own laughter.  This was where she was supposed to be.  Joker was right, she was still just human.  But she was also not going to throw in the towel now.  It wasn’t in her nature to give up.  And she’d be damned if she didn’t try to figure this puzzle out.

 

…..

 

“Now that I understand a bit better exactly what we were talking about in there…” Cullen spoke, looking up at Shaw as she walked into the room.  “It isn’t too dissimilar to the Blight, I believe.  It taints and takes over the host and--Shaw?”

 

Shaw didn’t stop her approach.  Instead, once in front of him, she took his datapad out of his hand and moved to straddle him.  He leaned back enough to allow her space to sit on his lap.  He felt a bit of heat flush through him.  She leaned forward and began to trail small nibbles and kisses along his stubbled jaw.  He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply through his nose.  She began to slowly grind herself on his lap.  His eyes flew open and he moved his hands to his hips.  He’d planned to stop her, but his damnable libido flared up.  He could feel himself harden quickly in response to her undulations.  Her teeth dragged over his earlobe and he made a strangled moan in response. 

 

“Oh...fuck it.” He growled, rolling to pin her down.  He ground forcefully against her clothed core.  Shaw arched and gasped; her fingers dug into his back.  He began to pepper her face and throat with his own kisses and love nips.  His right hand pulled her shirt to the side, giving him more access to her supple flesh below.  The swell of her breasts brushing his chest in a tantalizing way.  The way she rolled just right against his cock made his breathing become a bit haggard.  She moaned in just the right tone to set his blood aflame.  If this kept up...he’d finish without ever fully undressing.  He wasn’t certain if he liked the idea or not. 

 

Shaw shuddered then with a small whimper, stilling her hips.  He pushed up and looked down at her, she was breathing heavier and staring up at him.  He saw the haunted, desperate look in her eyes.  Guilt slammed him like a shield bashing into his unguarded side.  He closed his eyes and forced himself to extricate from her.  Her hands locked around him.

 

“Where are you going?  You haven’t--”

 

“This is not the right way.”

 

A weighted silence impregnated the air.  She slid away from him then, but didn’t leave his cot.  “...no.  It’s not.” She sighed in resignation.

 

Cullen opened his eyes and looked at her.  She stared at the ceiling blankly.  “What were you saying about...about the Blight or whatnot?”

 

Clearing his throat and his thoughts, Cullen turned to look at her.  “This technology acts in a similar fashion to the Blight from my world.  It’s a...a disease.  It takes over the host, controls them, and hooks them into a hive mind.  Led by a mangled demonic dragon, mind you...but still.  Similar still the same.”

 

“And...how does one stop the Blight?”

 

“...with...tainted warriors.”

 

“...I beg your pardon?” Shaw sat up then.  “With _tainted warriors_?  What does _that_ mean?”

 

“There are men and women, mostly criminals, but others conscripted out of obligation or duty, called the Grey Wardens.  They...ingest tainted, Blighted blood.  And then...they are tied to it.  _But_ , they can sense the Blight as the Blight can sense them.  And unlike Blighted creatures, Wardens are _alive_ still.  It does, eventually claim them.  But until that time, they can actually _kill_ Darkspawn.  One doesn’t easily _kill_ Darkspawn without a Warden.  Only the _Blight can kill the Blight_.”

 

Shaw frowned at him.  “I...don’t follow.  Not in a way I want to think I am.”

 

Cullen held his hands up as though to show her what he meant in the palms of his hands.  “Don’t you see?  To stop these...these nanobots, you must _use them against them_.”

 

“...destroy nanotechnology with nanotechnology.” Shaw deduced.  Cullen nodded at her, glad she was catching on.  However, she then sighed and averted her gaze.  “That’s...a really great idea.  But there’s one _big_ problem here.  No race in the Milky Way Galaxy is to the point of utilizing nanotechnology the way Reapers can, Cul.  We’re back at square one.  But with less hope.  There’s no Crucible to save us this time.”

 

“Perhaps not, but we _have_ the technology just there.  In Dr. Chakwas lab.  Shouldn’t it be simple enough to study it and attempt to learn it?”

 

“It’s not that simple!” Shaw snapped, glaring back at him.  Tears began to fall from her eyes.  “Don’t you get it?  By the time we get a _slight_ understanding of what they’re using, it’ll be too late!  Once more, humanity is going to be butt up against a force that wants to wipe us out.  _Your_ world was destroyed!  _You_ of all people should understand this!”  She stood up and walked to the window area and began to pace. 

 

Cullen was about to speak when she softly said something that made his own ire swell.

 

“Maybe...it’s just time humanity ends…”

 

Jumping to his feet, Cullen glared at her.  His fist balled at his sides.  “So you would give in that easily?  You would just give up?  _Oh, it’s hard...we can’t do it...so let’s just accept death._   Bullshit!  You know what your problem is, Shaw?  You lack faith.  Of any kind!  You view the world with such...fatalistic eyes!  Is there _nothing_ worth fighting for to you?” His voice lowered as he asked her the last question.  He needed to know.  He _had_ to know.

 

Shaw had stopped pacing.  She was watching him like a startled fennec.  Frozen, unsure of his next move.  Then her face began to melt into a pained expression.  He held her gaze.  Even if her next words ripped his heart out.  He waited with baited breath as she opened her lovely lips to seal his fate.

 

“I lost the first man I loved to war.  What makes you think I have it in me...to lose _you_?” Shaw’s voice cracked on the last word.

 

Cullen crossed the room to her and pulled her to him.  She didn’t fight him.  She met him halfway as their mouths met.  The kiss wasn’t chaste.  Nor was it gentle.  She wrapped her arms around him tightly, trying to draw him closer to her.  Impossibly close.  And Cullen held her just as tightly.  One hand fisted in her hair, the other pushing her as close as he could by the small of her back.  He could taste the salt of her tears.  He could feel the hiccupping rhythm of her heart against his chest.  He breathed her in and breathed for her at the same time.  They only parted to breathe before they reconnected again and again until their jaws couldn’t move anymore.  He held her head to his chest as she nestled into him. 

 

“Then put your faith in _me_.  I did not survive one extinction to allow another.”

 

Shaw trembled in his arms.  She nodded against him, continuing to just hold him to her.  He bent carefully, hooking his lower arm on her legs and swung her up into her arms.  She allowed him.  He was no fool.  Shaw didn’t let anyone do anything she didn’t want.  Smiling to himself at that thought, he carried her to his cot and sat down, cradling her in his arms.  She sighed and shifted a bit in his lap.  She finally withdrew a few inches to look at him. 

 

“You’re still hard.”

 

“...yes.” He answered, feeling his cheeks warm.  “It’s...not something you need to worry over.  It’ll go away in time.”

 

Shaw rolled her eyes.  “I got there.  It’s only fair if you do too.”

 

“You did?” Cullen raised his brows, feeling a bit proud of himself. 

 

Shaw blinked at his expression before she threw her head back and laughed.  He frowned at her.  He didn’t find it _that_ funny.  She looked back at him, shaking her head.  She stood from his lap and dropped to her knees beside his cot.  “Here, let me.”

 

Cullen watched her start to undo his pants.  “I-it’s really unnecessary--”

 

“I _want_ to.  Besides...you taste kind of...sweet.” She bit her lip adorably as she admitted that little fact.

 

“I what?”

 

“You---never mind.” She grumbled and freed his hardened length.  She bent down and swirled her lovely tongue around the tip before she began to take him into her hot mouth.  He groaned low and deep in his throat.  His hand moved to her hair and carded his fingers through her locks.  Shaw made a small humming sound around him as she took him deeper into her.  His eyes fluttered shut.  Maker save him...if he died right then...it’d be worth it.  He reached the back of her throat.  Then she swallowed.  He tensed so as not to thrust too harshly into her.  Her throat vibrated rhythmically and out her nose.  Did...did she just...giggle with him fully sheathed inside her mouth?  She pulled almost all the way off before she slid her lips back down his shaft.  She pulled fully off of him with an obscene little popping sound.  “I’m not a delicate little flower.  You can fuck my mouth, Cul.”

 

Cullen groaned loudly again, this time in torture.  “You say such dirty things and it makes it hard to be a gentleman, Shaw!”

 

“I don’t _want_ a gentleman.  I _want_ you.  Completely.  As a man, a carnal creature, and as a sexual being.  So don’t hold back with me.”  With that, she took him into her mouth again.  He hesitated for a full second before he finally released his breath; and with it, his restraint.  He began to do as she’d instructed.  His hips thrust into her pretty little mouth.  His hand fisted a bit tighter in her hair.  She moaned loudly and began to bob her head with more fervor over his cock.  Cullen was so close, so fast, he couldn’t have stopped himself if he’d tried.

 

He grunted brokenly as his seed shot into her mouth.  She swallowed greedily and even suckled and licked him clean.  He leaned back on his elbows, panting as he watched this vixen literally claim every last drop of his spend.  She hummed and suckled his tip to ensure she’d gotten the last bit before she lifted her head with a devious little smirk. 

 

“See?  Better now, isn’t it?”

 

Cullen smirked lazily back.  “Yes.  But next time, I’m going to make _you_ scream.”

 

“Mm...I’ll hold you to that.”

 

“I taste sweet?” Cullen mused suddenly.

 

Shaw just giggled and climbed up beside him as he righted his smalls and pants back into place. 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little bit o'smut there for you all. 
> 
> Liara is an interesting mind to delve into writing. Vega? Easy. Joker? Easy. Garrus? Um, yeah. His voice is pretty much always in my head. Yes, I know how that sounded. No, I don't care. I'm not sane. I admit it. I'm funsize crazy for all your travel needs! I also come in pocket size! 
> 
> Okay, so my brain and I are apparently at odds with one another. Five to six hours of sleep, ONE sad cup of coffee, and two kids under five later...I have nothing left but this dazed and confused state of being. In other words, I love you. I'm sorry I'm a space case and rambling. And it's two forty-two am here right now. Enjoy zee chapter!


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter Twenty-Six**

**Prepared to Sacrifice**

Jane rolled over and frowned.  Blinking her bleary eyes as she woke, trying to find what had disturbed her sleep.  A blinking light and beeping sound from her email console drew her from the warmth of bed and Garrus’ arms.  He groaned and muttered out several curses that she really couldn’t make out at present.  She walked up to the email console and opened up the message.  Frowning and squinting just enough to read the nearly painfully bright letters, she read over the email.  Sleep quickly left her.  Straightening quickly, she moved to where her clothing was stashed and retrieved her civvies.  Dressing quickly, she moved to rouse Garrus.  He opened one eye to glare at her.

 

“We _just_ got to sleep, what?  Three hours ago?  Can’t this wait?”

 

“No.” Jane deadpanned.  “Admiral Hackett just sent word that one of his fleet ships found an activated relay and since jumping through, they’ve lost contact.”

 

Garrus sat up and looked at her.  “Where?”

 

“The relay that jumps from the Exodus Cluster to the Horse Head Nebula.”

 

“...Noveria.”

 

Jane nodded, stepping back.  Garrus rose from the bed and moved to where he’d begun stashing his own clothes.  He yanked on the under-armor he wore under his heavy armor.  “I’m beginning to wonder if this is a weird backward game of chase.”

 

“That means Feros is among the next places these things might hit.”

 

“It is possible.”

 

They quickly exited their quarters and made their way down to the command deck.  Jane shook Joker awake after walking into the cockpit.  He jumped and swore.  Once he realized who it was, he sighed and rubbed his face.

 

“Sorry, Shep...I guess I dozed off.”

 

“That’s what auto-pilot is for.” Jane mumbled before she bludgeoned ahead.  “We have a situation.  We need to head for Noveria asap.  A few Alliance Fleet vessels found the Exodus Cluster relay up and jumped then promptly stopped communicating back with the main fleet.  We’re going to investigate it.  Wake the crew and have them prep for a potentially hostile situation.”

 

Joker stared at her before he inhaled sharply and turned, hitting the open comm button.  “Rise and shine everyone.  Time to get our asses prepped for SHTF.”

 

Jane leaned over the comm.  “We have a few missing Alliance vessels to go check out.  This may get bumpy, folks.  I want everyone suited up, geared up, and ready in t-minus fifteen.  We’ll start the jumps in five.”

 

Joker deactivated the comm.  “So much for a little shut eye, eh, Commander?”

 

“Joker,” Jane waited for him to look at her.  “If things get bad, take the Normandy and book it back to Earth.”

 

“...what?  As in, abandon you down there?  Are you kidding--”

 

“That’s an order.” Jane looked back at him sternly.  “You get this ship, and whatever crew you can back to Earth and you tell them everything.  Are we clear?”

 

“...yes, ma’am.”

 

“Good.” Jane turned to walk away.

 

“Shep…” Jane paused and looked over her shoulder.  Joker was frowning back at her.  “If this is really another Reaper situation, shouldn’t we send word to Hackett and the Council?”

 

“I’m heading to do that now.  But if they do what they always do...they’re going to need evidence and what better evidence than a potential K.I.A. Commander Shepard?” Jane continued out of the cockpit.  She didn’t glance at Garrus as she passed him and went for the war room video comm. 

 

…..

 

Shaw was woken roughly by the intercom.  Sitting up slowly, she rubbed her face.  So much for sleep.  Cullen sat up beside her.  His large, warm hand settled on her shoulder.  Glancing over said shoulder, she met his gaze.  They shared a understanding look before they rose and quickly prepped.  The first jump was slightly disorienting after waking up.  The next succession of relay leaps were smooth enough.  Cullen kept in step with Shaw as they made their way down to the cargo bay.  The entire mood was somber as they settled in with everyone else. 

 

Tali sat on a high crate, tinkering with her omni tool.  Liara sat on one of the benches in the workout area, eyes closed and looking to be deep in meditation.  Vega was checking his guns over and running diagnostics on all the armor sets of everyone present.  Garrus leaned against the shuttle, feigning nonchalance as he fiddled with the eye visor over his left eye.  Shaw and Cullen settled side by side on the floor, backs to Tali’s large crate.  Alvarez was sitting in the shuttle cockpit, idly spinning a screwdriver around his fingers. 

 

Normandy made that slight hesitation whenever she left slip space jump.  It came just fractions of a second before the elevator opened as Jane disembarked into the shuttle bay.  She was already decked out in her armor and weapons.  Her face was a mask of cool indifference.  That’s exactly how Shaw knew how unsettled Jane really was.  The Commander of Normandy SR2, first human Spectre, and universal hero strode forth with purpose.  Shaw hardly listened to the orders she began to issue.  All she could see was the ten-year-old that held her hand and told her everything would be all right.  That she would always be there to protect Shaw.  Even though she had tears in her eyes; tears she refused to shed.  Shaw was frozen in place and lost in time.  A harsh nudge to her ribcage brought her back.  Blinking away the ghosts of her memories, she glanced to the side.  Cullen gave her such an understanding look.  Inhaling sharply, she raised her hands and smacked her cheeks.  The sting woke her up.  Both rose to their feet and fell into line. 

 

While everyone else was boarding the shuttle, Shaw leaned over to whisper to Cullen.  “What did I space out on?’

 

Cullen’s brief confusion was quickly replaced as he translated her meaning.  “Shepard and Vakarian in the front, you and I take up second position with Liara, Tali and Vega take the rear.  If shit goes bad, we all book it back to the shuttle and hightail it back to Normandy.”

 

Shaw nodded.  “Thanks.”

 

“Nothing to mention”

 

A soft snort burst from her.  “It’s _‘don’t mention it’_.  So damn formal, Rutherford.”

 

“Forgive me if I still am acclimating myself to your cruder form of linguistics.” A smirk twitched on his scarred lip.

 

Shaw swung a light punch at him that he easily dodged and used as the perfect moment to jump into the shuttle.  She followed quickly and settled across from Cullen with a glare leveled at him.  The shuttle doors shut and locked.  They were on their way in the blink of an eye. 

 

“Joker?  Got eyes on our ships?” Jane spoke curtly.

 

_“Yeah.  Still and silent, Commander.  I don’t like it.”_

“Me neither.” Jane tapped her fingers on her thigh.  “Whatever we face out there, I want everyone to play it safe.  No heroic bullshit.”

 

“That’s rich coming from _you_.” Shaw shot back.  It earned her a very pointed warning look. 

 

“Don’t make me have Alvarez fly your sorry ass back to Normandy.”

 

“Yes, _ma’am._ ” Shaw wasn’t very keen on Jane’s attitude. 

 

Jane rolled her eyes back at Shaw.  “Just try not to get shot?  Okay?”

 

“You say that like I _try_ to get shot!”

 

“You don’t?” Cullen asked with that damnable tilt to his kissable mouth that showed his humor clearly. 

 

“NO!” Shaw snapped.

 

Jane tried to stifle a small laugh.  Good.  Doom and gloom wasn’t a good state of mind for her.  “Cover her ass, Rutherford.”

 

“Will do.”

 

“I’m sure you will.” Vega grinned as he added his two cents. 

 

Shaw turned and kicked his shin guard.  Vega overacted his _‘injury’_ , grabbing it and cursing her ancestors in Spanish.  Liara leaned over to scan his leg for show and properly chastise him for being such a big baby over nothing.  Alvarez cut in over the commotion. 

 

“…uh…C-Commander Shepard…?”

 

Jane turned to look at him as the shuttle fell silent.  “What is it?”

 

“I…there’s…”

 

“Keelah…are those…bodies?” Tali spoke so softly yet in the hushed atmosphere, it was like she shouted.

 

“Maker’s breath.” Cullen swore under his breath.

 

“Alvarez, find us a port and set us down.  I want everyone’s enviro-suit system up now.” Jane sat back and began to setting her own.  Everyone followed suit.  Visors slid over faces and seals activated.  Oxygen began to pump from their filtration tanks.  “Seal off the cockpit, Alvarez.”

 

“Aye, aye, ma’am.” The thick steal, reinforced door slid shut between them.  The shuttle set down inside one of the docking bays that was wide open.  Cargo and bodies littered the open space as they each stepped out carefully and locked down their grav-boots.  Cullen was the only one who had a slight difficulty with it at first, never having used that system before.  But once it was locked in, he managed very well.  Shaw and Tali both set into the hacking the doors so they could shut the cargo bay doors.  After a good ten minutes, the huge doors shut and the decompression systems kicked on.  As soon as it was safely locked up and vented, Jane turned to regard her crew.

 

“The ship’s generators are still functional.”

 

Shaw frowned deeply at that.  “How long are Alliance vessels supposed to be able to run without core drive or crew to maintain it?”

 

“If I had to guess, maybe two days, three at most if stretched long enough.” Garrus answered for her.  “Turian fleet ships are good for two to three days at most in emergency float situated.  It’s a security feature in order for rescue operatives to arrive.  At least, that was _before_ the relays were destroyed.”

 

“With crew?” Jane asked him, looking at her mate.

 

“…my guess would be a month or two.  But eventually they’d have to shut down sectors one at a time to maintain it until the generators go cold.” Garrus looked toward the doors.  “What are you thinking, Shep?”

 

“That nothing is making any damn sense here.  We got that message hours ago.  They lost communication with the ships four or five days ago.  So if we have crew left aboard…why didn’t they respond to Joker’s radio communications?”

 

Shaw drummed her fingers on the barrel of her rifle.  “Well, only one way to find out for certain.”

 

“Guess so.” Jane turned and nodded for them to press ahead.

 

…..

 

Watching Shaw work in tandem with Tali at cracking the locks was fascinating.  Each of them seem to read into the other’s operations and easily accommodate the other.  They reached room after room, deck after deck of the frigate only to come up empty handed each time.  No crew to speak of.  But signs of battle were everywhere.  At least, that’s what he was told.  Cullen usually associated blood stains and splatters _along_ with scorch marks as indications of battle.  There was not a single drop of blood to be found.  Many scorches, yes.  But no blood.  They reached the next level and there were three separate doors to take.  Jane turned to them.

 

“Looks like we need to split up.  Vega, Liara, you two take the right side.  Shaw, Rutherford, you take the left.  Garrus, Tali, you two with me.  Radio if you find _anything._ ” 

 

Cullen nodded as the others gave mumbled affirmatives as they all split up.  He moved with Shaw falling into step with him.  They cleared the first hallway.  Shaw knelt beside the only other door to take and began to hack the doors. 

 

“This is a _lot_ of effort to go to.  Locking everything down…?”

 

“They were trying to keep something out.  Or… _in_.”

 

Shaw paused to look at him.  He returned her look.  Neither liked the sound of that.  Shaw turned back to her task as he paced.  The door clicked and hissed open.  The lights were actually on and everything looked in good condition inside the huge open space.  They moved inside, weapons at the ready.  They must have been in some sort of garden keeping space.  Plants were growing from big planter boxes all throughout the room.  There were lockers and rows of crates piled up not far to the right of the door.  A tingle raced up his spine.  The kind he’d not felt in _a long time_.  He acted on pure instinct.  His arms grasped Shaw as he raced for the crates and dropped down behind them, pressing his back to the furthest one back.  He pulled Shaw’s back flush with his chest and caged her between his upturned knees.  She must have gotten the idea as she scooched as far back as she possibly could, tucking her feet back with his as they both held their breath. 

 

A thud vibrated the flooring beneath them.  Cullen felt an ache blooming in the very center of his temples and spiderwebbing outward.  A sound unlike any he’d ever heard before preceded the next thumping set of footsteps.  A whirring, buzzing, clicking, and _heavy breathing_ noise all meshed together as something _walked_ with the weight of a pride demon toward them.  Shaw readied her weapon.  They both chanced to look up enough as an enormous shadow appeared on the wall just ahead of them.  The footsteps stopped.  The shadow was so large it couldn’t fit on the easily twelve-foot-tall wall.  It turned.  It looked slimmer in the middle, bulky on top, possibly more than two arms; it was hard to tell from their angle.  It was, however, bipedal.  It began to walk again.  This time, the shadow receded.  Cullen dared to breathe.  They waited with baited breath until it was completely out of sight and no longer heard. 

 

Shaw began to pull away.  Cullen tightened his arms.  She whispered to him, “we need to go before it comes back.”

 

“It’s a farce.  A trap.” Cullen whispered back.  “On my word, run for the door.  Do not look back nor hesitate.”

 

“What?  I’m not—”

 

“Shaw.  I don’t have the patience nor do we have the time for this.  Whatever _that_ is…it is presumably _not_ friendly.”

 

“Well, _that_ much I get but—”

 

He grabbed the back of her helmet and pressed her visor to his.  _“Don’t.  Hesitate.”_

Shaw froze.  She inhaled but he didn’t give her the chance to reply.  He readied a grenade and his rifle.  He looked at her, wishing there wasn’t a damn visor between their faces so he could see her properly.  Then he leap from cover yelling a singular word, “go!!”

* * *

 


	27. Chapter 27

**Chapter Twenty-Seven  
** **Lost in the Tide**

“Go!!”

It was a fucking curse and a damn fire under her ass.  Shaw leapt up and ran for the door.  A crackling screech that sounded in between a geth and a wounded animal made her flinch.  She was through the door and turned.  She couldn’t see whatever it was Cullen was shooting at while running.  But what she _did_ see made her heart stop beating.  A blast flew from where the thing was.  It clipped Cullen.  His run was disrupted as the force of the hit threw him into the crates.  The impact of his body was enough to actually knock the huge metal container over.  Like dominos.  Those were the crates that had to be moved by loaders.  Shaw screamed.  It was unintelligible.  But it was loud and she knew her mic was on.  She tore back toward where Cullen was buried.  A blast skimmed past her.  She dove and rolled, pulling out her Scorpion.  She fired blindly into the smoke and debris that was already present from Cullen’s grenade. 

She ran for the crates and frantically began trying to dig for him.  She couldn’t move the crates.  But chunks of them she managed to lift and push.  Gunfire opened up making her startle and jump.  Jane, Liara and Tali stood in a defensive line, shooting the same direction that Shaw had.  Garrus and Vega both gently shoved her aside and began to heft the debris aside.  Cullen’s body began to show up in the rubble.  Blood coated a few pieces of debris.  Shaw began to breath heavily.  The vision of Jay’s lifeless body began to superimpose itself over Cullen’s body.  Hands grabbed her and dragged her away.  She shook her head and felt her legs give out.  Nothing made sound in her little world.  Everything was silent.  Without warning, everything rushed in at once.  Sound, words, pain.  Lancing through her.  Wincing and recoiling from the hands that gripped her, Shaw opened her visor. 

“Shaw—!”

She promptly vomited on the floor.  Once it was clear, she slid her visor back in place and took deep breaths of oxygenated air again. 

“Shawny…we have to go.  Now.” Jane spoke firmly but gently to her.

“He’s…” Shaw’s eyes flooded as she looked at her sister.  “Janey…”

“Maferath’s balls!”

Shaw spun to see Cullen being held between Vega and Garrus.  His entire left side was gushing blood.  But he was alive.  She could have sung and danced.  But instead, she fell into her soldier form.  Listening and obeying.  They were running.  Shaw and Jane stopped several times to throw grenades behind them as they fled.  Whatever that _thing_ was, it wasn’t dead yet.  It kept chasing them.  Nobody could get a clear visual on it.  But they were hitting it with everything they could throw while trying to get out.  Then Shaw had an idea. 

“I’ll get the doors open!  You guys get ready!”

Jane looked back at her.  “You sure that’s a good idea?”

“Do we have a choice?”

“Not a big one.” Jane conceded.  “Hurry it up, soldier.”

“Yes, Commander.”

Shaw rushed to the terminal by the back wall and clicked her grav-boots on.  Taking a deep breath, she waited.  The doors leading in began to glow.  It was hacking the door.  She began to tinker with the code on the doors. 

“Any day now!” Jane hollered into the radio.

“Just trust me!”

“…what?!  Open the bay doors and move, Shaw!”

“I have a plan!  Just…just _trust_ me, Jane!  For _once_ , trust _me_!”

Shaw unlocked the doors leading into the cargo bay from the main ship.  The door slid open.  As the thing stepped forward, she put in the emergency shut down code.  Hitting the activate code sequence, the doors then slid shut.  _On_ the thing.  At the same the doors slammed shut on it, the space hatch doors opened.  The suction of space was intense.  It yanked Shaw backwards by five feet.  She yelled in surprise and grabbed the nearest object that was bolted down.  She looked up and stared at whatever the thing was.  It was wedged in the doors.  The head portion was twice the width of a human’s head.  The shoulders were like those of an Elcor.  It was heavy and bulky on top with four arms.  Each arm had a three fingered, one thumb hand.  Its head was shielded.  Like a visor over the majority of it.  Then the waist was long and tapered in comparison to the rest.  But what really stood out to her was the very middle of the alien.  It was…sparking.  Wires.  Like Geth.  Yet…also…bleeding.  Then the vacuum of space rent the bottom section of it from the torso.  The legs flew outward.  Directly at her.  She cursed and crouched low, praying they still missed her.  The roar of the shuttle’s engine distracted her before the legs slammed into her, knocking her off her grav-boots. 

She felt helpless in that moment.  Flying into space with no way to stop.  She basically spaced herself.  The irony would have been laughable…if she weren’t going to die.  She closed her eyes and tried not to think of how bad atmospheric entry would feel when she finally was pulled down by the nearest planet’s orbit.  There wasn’t a Cerberus to bring _her_ back like they did Jane.  A blinding explosion of pain hit her so hard that she didn’t have time to even register it all before she was out cold.

…..

Cullen hissed as Doctor Chakwas applied more of the antiseptic substance on his open wound.  The searing pain of the mangled flesh was hard to deal with.  It was akin to a mage’s immolation spell going awry.  But it stung and burned in a way that was indescribable.  The good doctor had taken her time to collect samples of whatever substance he’d been shot with.  Then she’d set to work on clearing and cleaning.  And he was not beneath yelling out in agony every so often.  It hurt worse than some of the tortures he’d survived at the hands of the desire demon at Kinloch.  He couldn’t say how much time had passed.  The worst part of it all was the fact that during all of this…he couldn’t check on Shaw. 

His heart stopped when he saw her go flying.  Thank the Maker for the shuttle pilot’s amazing reflexes and quick thinking.  Alvarez swung the shuttle around and boosted dangerously close to the hull of the frigate with the open shuttle door to her back.  She flew into the shuttle and hit with such a violent slam that the entire shuttle rocked.  Jane slammed the shuttle shut.  Alvarez took off for Normandy.  They arrived in minutes and Joker automatically set a course to leave.  They hit the relay right as the sensors started blaring that they had company.  Whatever Joker did to evade them was beyond Cullen’s ability to comprehend.  He blacked out a few times before waking in the infirmary with Chakwas extracting samples from him. 

“Almost through, Commander.” Chakwas stated gently as she moved around to grab something else.  When she returned, she began to tug at his wound.  He could only assume she was suturing the worst parts of it.  Oddly enough, it wasn’t that painful in comparison. 

“Is—” he grunted at a particularly uncomfortable stitch, “is Shaw--?”

“Hush.” Chakwas ordered as she examined her work.  The cool and tingling feeling of medi-gel spreading into his flesh jolted him.  She set a gauze bandage over the injury and carefully taped it into place.  “Can you sit up?”

Cullen cleared his throat and took a steadying breath as he gingerly shifted around until he managed with her help to sit up.  She then began to wind bandage wrappings around his torso.  With his new position, he finally could see the rest of the infirmary.  Without the blazing light in his face, he could focus past his little bubble of awareness.  Laying on an examination bed two down from his, Shaw was hooking up to a series of tubes as well a machine.  He watched her closely.  Relief flooded him as he watched her chest rise and fall in rhythmic motions.  She was alive.  And breathing. 

“Thank the Maker…” He sighed, sagging bonelessly.  Chakwas made a sound that should have been highly humorous were it not for the situation at hand.  The half-squawk, half-yell echoed in the med bay. 

“Rutherford!”

“Forgive me.” He spoke with a grimace as he righted himself once more.  He felt the shifting of the bandages with his movement.  No wonder she’d been put out by his motions.  He’d nearly undone a portion of her hard work. 

“As you can see,” Chakwas began in a less than friendly tone, “Lieutenant Shepard is _just fine_.  _You_ , however, are another case entirely!  We can’t know what this substance could do to you.  We _also_ haven’t been able to do a full scan of your blood in order to find out if anything got into your bloodstream directly.  So, if you dare move anything I don’t explicitly say to move…I’ll have your hide.  Are we clear, Commander?”

Cullen felt the weight of her threat.  Blood drained from his face.  “Y-yes…ma’am.”  This woman could have made Meredith piss herself.

“Good.  Now.  Lay back down so I can start the diagnostic scans and draw some blood.  I’m going to get you some blood boosting packets.  You will drink every last drop.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“I’ll be right back.”

Cullen didn’t reply as she walked away for a few minutes and returned quickly enough with two pouches in hand.  She opened them with what he’d come to know were referred to as straws.  He took them and did as told.  Even though they tasted of swill.  He choked down the first and held his breath while he chugged the second.  Then he lied back and let the doctor do her work.

…..

Jane prowled the command deck.  She looked for all the universe like a silent, enraged panther.  Stalking the length of the deck without a word before turning about face and marching right back.  Even Garrus had elected to give her space.  Joker kept throwing wary glances back down the corridor from the cockpit.  He could almost _taste_ her bitter anger.  Worst part was, no one was entirely certain who she was mad at the most.  There was a very hushed bet going around the ship.  Joker had his money down in the betting pool on herself.  It would certainly fit Shepard.  Then again, Shaw _did_ have a knack for getting her elder sibling riled up. 

“Stop it.” Jane growled.

Joker jumped in his skin, looking at her cautiously.  “Me?”

“Yes, you!  Quit looking at me like I’m going to rip your fucking head off.”

“…is it safe to point out the obvious irony of that statement right about now…?”

Jane glared daggers at him before she raised a hand to her nose and pinched the bridge tightly enough to turn the skin white.  “Fuck.”

“…look, I don’t know the whole reason for your…aggravation.  But I’m just gonna level with you here.  You’re making the entire crew…nervous.”

“I know.” She sighed and dropped her hand, walking the distance to where he was and flopped into the co-pilot’s seat.  “I just…how did this just _happen_?  Am I cursed?”

“Cursed?  Huh.  Never thought about that possibility before.  Probably.”

“Gee, thanks, Joker”

“You asked.” He shrugged.

“I did.  I’m aware.”

“You know she’s in the best hands the entire human race has to offer.”

“…yeah.” Jane frowned, picking at non-existent detritus on her fatigues.  “But that’s my kid sis in there, you know?  And here I am.  Dragging her along behind me, through _my_ messes, once again.”

“Pretty sure she volunteered.”

“And you’d be okay with your little sister volunteering for a deadly mission beside you?”

Joker put his hands up in surrender.  “I didn’t say I agreed.  Just the facts.”

“I wish I could ask how we got here, but I already know.” Jane let her head fall back against the seat.

“Heroes.  We get the shit end of the stick, huh?”

“That we do.”

Jane’s omnitool lit up with a small ping sound.  She lifted it and opened the message within.  “She’s waking up now.  I’m going down.”

“Don’t kill her.” Joker threw over his shoulder as she rose and began to walk away. 

“I won’t.  Yet.”

“I really don’t want to inform Admiral Shepard of her children murdering each other.”

“That’s _if_ she could hit me back.” Jane smirked as she hit the elevator button. 

“…damn.  That’s harsh.”

…..

Why did everything hurt again?  Obviously she was alive.  No way she’d be in so much discomfort if she wasn’t.  Time to take stock of inventory.  Lungs breathing?  Yes.  Although, ow.  Deep breaths made her chest angry.  So, probably a broken rib?  Oh, _oh_ , definitely check.  That inhale hurt…  Legs?  Check.  They ache but still move.  Arms?  Same as legs.  Eyelids slid open slowly.  Bright lights made her flinch.  A hiss whistled through her clenched teeth.  Flinching was not a good idea.  Her back was screaming from the movement. 

“Take it easy, lieutenant.” Dr. Chakwas spoke as she stood over Shaw’s medical bed.  “You took quite the beating.”

“Yeah, remind me not to do that again, will you, doc?”

“Like you’d listen.” Came the sharp retort.  Shaw slid her eyes to the side.  Jane sat in a chair to her left, glaring heatedly at her.

“Refresh my memory.  What happened after I hit the open bay door button?”

“You flew into space,” Jane seethed, “if it weren’t for Alvarez and his damn quick piloting instincts, you’d be dead.  The velocity you hit the inside of the shuttle with was enough to snap your fucking spine.  It’s only by a miracle that you hit the way you did.”

“That and Rutherford’s quick thinking even while injured.”

“…yeah.  That too.”

“What?” Shaw blinked then gasped.  “Wait!  Where is he?  Is he--?”

“Shh!” Chakwas hissed.  “He’s resting.  Don’t wake him.”

“He’s okay?”

“He’ll live, if that’s what you’re asking.” Chakwas smirked as she slumped back, breathing again. 

“He threw himself into the way.  He had a concussion when we got back.  Lucky for us, he’s a tough bastard,” Jane sighed, shifting her chair so Shaw could see the man resting on the bed behind Jane.  “You pretty much body slammed him into the shuttle hull.  There’s even an impressive dent there.”

“He got shot by it,” Shaw blurted.

“Yes.  And I’ve since managed to clean, clear, and treat the wound sufficiently.  Whatever was used on him, wasn’t the same as what was used on the last poor souls.  It wasn’t breaking his cells down in the same manner,” Chakwas turned and grabbed a datapad nearby.  “The odd bit about it all, however, is that it _should_ have been.”

Shaw took the datapad offered her.  She scanned the medical scans and report.  Her eyes lifted to Chakwas, stunned to silence.  The doctor inclined her head to the unvoiced question.  Somehow his biology stopped the process.  But how?  Why?  She looked back at Cullen; so many questions buzzing through her head.  She recalled the many times he mentioned magic.  Could that have something to do with his seeming immunity to the composite?

“I’ll be damned,” Jane breathed, leaning over to read the datapad in Shaw’s hands.  “He was right.”

“About what?” Shaw looked back at Jane.

Jane’s smirk grew into a grin.  “That we would find a way to beat this.  He may hold the answer.”

Shaw felt like she’d just dropped from orbit.  Her stomach flopped.  She turned to stare at the sleeping man just feet away from her.  In that moment, she felt absolutely certain that she was going to have to say goodbye to another love.  All for the sake of the galaxy.  She _knew_ he’d sacrifice himself without a second thought.  It was who he was.  It was only a piece of the puzzle as to why she’d fallen in love with him and she couldn’t stop him. 

“Yeah…” Shaw managed thickly and turned away from him.  She closed her eyes.  “I need a nap.  Hope you don’t mind.”

“…no, kiddo.  Get some rest.” Shaw felt Jane’s lips press to her forehead.  Chakwas also excused herself.

The lights dimmed overhead, signaling they had left.  Shaw quietly cried herself to sleep.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the shorter chapter folks. There's a bunch of stuff I need to get formulated and written for the next sequence. Like usual, where I KNOW I want this to go and WILL go is a fixed point farther out. Everything in between kind of just...decides itself. I had a plan. While writing, that plan decided it needed reworking and became something else. So, TADA! This is just how my brain works with writing. Stick with me! Love ya!


	28. Chapter 28

** Chapter Twenty-Eight **

**  
Silver Linings**

Water trailed over her naked back.  Her head was hung as she stood under the cold, numbing spray.  She’d been let out of the medical bay the night before.  Four days stuck in a bed was not good for her mental state.  Cullen was released a day before.  Whatever the hell that man had, he was healing freakishly fast.  Maybe it was medi-gel.  Maybe it was just his DNA.  Maybe it was just the way it was.  A sigh blew past her lips.  She knew she’d used far more than twenty minutes worth of water.  She’d probably hear about it later.  But it didn’t matter right then.  Her entire back was still mottled with bruising.  At least it was mostly tolerable with the pain meds Chakwas allotted her.  She hit the off switch.  Her body shivered; her teeth clattered as she reached for her towel.  She dried off without a thought to what she was doing. 

Shaw stiffly dressed herself, growling in frustration as the articles stuck and clung to patches of wet skin she’d not been able to dry properly.  After achieving some modicum of victory, she towel dried her hair just enough to keep it from dripping down her back.  A few feet.  That’s all she had to walk.  It was suddenly daunting to even think about to returning to her room.  To him.  How could she look at him and not see him slipping away from her?  He’d already thrown himself into harm’s way for her.  She couldn’t face that again.  Not.  Again.  Grinding her teeth, she forced herself to step out.  Every intention she had was to turn right and go hide behind the mini-bar, drinking.  Fate decided otherwise. 

Her downcast eyes stilled on a set of familiar boots.  She dragged her vision up.  Cullen stood, leaning back against the door opposite the women’s restroom.  His arms were crossed over his broad chest.  But that’s not what made her heart stop.  The guarded look on his face was one thing.  But his eyes were ablaze.  Inhaling to speak, what she was going to say, she didn’t know…but it didn’t matter.  He pushed off the wall and stalked right up to her.  She stumbled back a step and fell into the wall.  A broken whimper of pain made it past her control.  The bruises on her back were _not_ happy with that.  One of his hands slammed beside her head on the wall.  He leaned over her.  Was he always this tall?  Why didn’t she notice this before?  Damn him.  Why did he have to smell so good?  Why did he have to _look_ so good?  Even pissed beyond reason, he was a damned dream to her.  She swallowed thickly.

“We need to talk.”

All Shaw could manage was a dumb nod.  He jerked his chin toward their room.  Pushing away from her, he turned and walked away.  He expected her to follow; like a good little soldier.  She hated herself right then.  There was no way she couldn’t follow him.  That pissed her off.  She wasn’t some little bitch in heat who had to bow to the alpha male.  She’d _never_ been that woman.  But here she was, trailing after him like she was. The doors hissed closed behind her.  Her green eyes followed his form as he paced the length of the room.  Tension in every motion bled out to her like a siren’s call.  Tucking her hands behind her back, she clasped them together painfully tight. 

“First of all—”

“You threw yourself into the line of fire to try and save me.  You played hero first,” Shaw bluntly pointed out to cut him off right away.

“Maker’s breath, woman!” He growled.  With a spin, he stalked right back toward her. 

Instead of recoiling, Shaw straightened her back.  She wasn’t going to cower this time.  No.  She would fight.  Sliding a foot back just enough, she prepared to do something.  What that something was, she didn’t really know herself.  Cullen drew up short before her. 

“ _Fuck_.” He ground out, grabbing her and pulling her flush to his body.  His mouth covered hers.  Shaw immediately pulled back.  She actually caused him to stumble slightly.

“What the hell!?  You’re all pissy at me then kissing me?  What the fuck is this?!”

“I—I’m sorry.  That wasn’t fair.” Cullen stepped back, dropping his hands. 

“ _Nothing_ is fair!” Shaw wept, wrapping her arms around her middle. 

“Shaw…?” Cullen reached out toward her and she shook her head, stepping further away. 

“ _You_ have _something_ in your anatomy that either stops or cancels the nanobots in that alien’s blast thing!”

Dropping his hand, Cullen stared at her without blinking for a long moment before he laughed faintly.  “So _that’s_ why I was sent here.”

“…what?”

“Don’t you see?  The Maker sent me.  I’m not through yet.”

“…you’re saying your _God_ sent you here to die…”

Cullen frowned at her.  “You don’t know that.”

“And _you_ don’t know that it’s not true!”

“Why are you so angry with me?!  This is not something I can exactly _change_ , Shaw!”

“Because you’ll sacrifice yourself, _again_ , to save everyone!!  It’s just like you two!!” Shaw shouted, taking up his former activity of pacing the room.  “You both just have to be the fucking hero!  Throwing yourself out there for everyone else’s sake and I hate you both for it!! I hate that I love you both so goddamn much that I can’t stand the thought of losing you!!  But I have to.  Don’t I?  Because anything else is _selfish_ and _wrong_ of me to deny everyone else because _I_ can’t be alone!!!”

Arms banded around her, stilling her frantic motions.  Shaw choked on a sob, collapsing in his arms.  She hated herself.  The tears that scored her cheeks filled her with rage that only fueled her helplessness.  She felt Cullen lower them to the floor, cradling her.  She could feel him rocking them but she couldn’t.  She just couldn’t.  Why was she cursed to love and lose?

“You are not cursed…” Cullen whispered against her head.  She must have spoken aloud.

“Then why do I keep seeing everyone I love die?”

“Shaw, Jay was…I am uncertain how to word this delicately,” Cullen’s mouth moved against her head and she could tell he was frowning.

“Losing Jay isn’t what I’m talking about.”

“…then who do you speak of?”

“My dad, my sister,” Shaw buried her face against his shoulder.  “And now I can feel in my gut I’m going to lose you too.”

“Jane is _here_.”

“She’s died before.  Cerberus brought her back with technology that was far beyond our capabilities.  It was based off of Reaper tech.  And here we are…she’s here, yes.  But I still lost her.”

“You seem so certain you’ll lose me,” Cullen’s sigh stirred her hair, “but I have no intentions of going anywhere.  All my life, I have given everything.  Given my all to whatever cause I have believed in.  For the first time in my life, I feel selfish.  I don’t want to give you up.  I _won’t_ give you up, Shaw.  I loved Evelyn.  But there is something profoundly different in the way you set my very soul ablaze.  You terrify the bloody void out of me.  The power you have over me?  You could destroy me with just a single breath.  I have _never_ given so much of myself to another.”

Shaw slowly pulled back to look into his eyes.  Her hands rose to cup his face.  “Cullen…I love you.”

“I love you, Shawna.  Maker take me, but I would do anything for you.”

Shaw’s whole body shivered from the conviction in his voice that reflected through his eyes.  “I would leave everything behind to walk beside you.”

Cullen closed his eyes, pressing his forehead to hers.  “I would never ask you to.”

“I know,” Shaw breathed.

Cullen nuzzled her nose with his.  She tilted her head and he took the hint.  His lips settled over hers.  She melted into his kiss.  Shaw slid her arms up around his shoulders, lifting herself up to straddle his lap.  Cullen grunted and slowed the kiss to a stop. 

“As much as I desire to make love to you right now, you nor I are in proper health to attempt such activities.”

Shaw nodded, setting her head on his shoulder.  “I know.  My back is aching.  I’m sure your side can’t be feeling too great.”

“Admittedly, no.  As soon as we are both in better condition, I will see to it personally that we amend this.” Cullen’s voice dropped into that huskier note that made her quiver. 

“I’m going to hold you to that.”

“Good.  See that you do.”

…..

“How far did we jump?”

Joker turned to regard Jane, “three relays.  I got us to…well…”

“Spit it out, Joker.”

“Feros.”

“…why am I not surprised?”

“It was the best I could figure under pressure.”

“No, you did good.  You got us out of there.  But now we have to try and figure out _what_ the hell we’re up against.  It was sentient.  Whatever the hell that thing was.”

“Yeah…about that.  I’ve been thinking about some of the shit we’ve been finding.”

Jane tilted her head, motioning him to continue, “go ahead.”

Joker took a deep breath and blew it out from his puffed cheeks.  “Remember the Reaper we stopped the Collectors from making?”

“How could I forget…?”

“Well, that means Reapers were _made_ yeah?”

Jane’s face turned ashen as her stomach dropped out.  She turned and quickly sat across from Joker.  “You think that has to do with what we’re facing.”

Joker shrugged, “I don’t know but it’s as crazy an idea as any.  I mean, they’re using highly advanced tech beyond stuff even Cerberus figured out.  I don’t think Cerberus could be behind this.  This is…bigger than them.”

Jane dropped her face into her hands, swallowing the bile that was threatening to overtake her.  “Fuck.  If you’re right, then we’re royally fucked.”

“Not necessarily, Shepard.”

Joker and Jane both looked up at Doctor Chakwas.  The elder woman approached, tapping on her omni-tool.  Various stats rolled over the projected holographic screen above her left arm.  She held out her arm for the two seated to read.  Jane’s eyes scanned the information; a frown etching deeper upon her face the more she read.  Joker sat back, shaking his head at a loss.

“What am I reading, Doc?”

“A possible silver lining,” Chakwas isolated some text and graphs, “our foreign friend seems to have a unique immunity to the nanorobotics.  The sound he received _should_ have created _far more_ damage.  Possibly killed him.  Instead, something unique in his DNA coding nullified and shut the technology off.”

Jane stared blankly, “what exactly does this entail in the long run?”

“That _is_ the loaded question, unfortunately.  A few samples could be extracted for study, should he agree.  With any luck, perhaps we can figure out a way to inoculate the crew as well.  If _possible_ , finding what particular deviation in genetics creates the nullification could open new possibilities.”

“Or create more questions,” Jane sat back, shaking her head.  “I’ll only sanction this if Rutherford agrees, completely aware of all that’s being asked of him.  No surprises.”

“Of course not, Shepard.”

“Suppose we should go ask him, then,” Jane rose to her feet.  She held her hand out, “shall we?”

…..

Resting his stubbled chin atop his hands, Cullen frowned across the table at the two women seated opposite him.  Shaw stood with her back pressed against the partition between the kitchen galley and the elevator hallway.  Her arms were crossed as were her ankles.  A rather displeased frown had settled on her face.  He glanced her way before returning to the Doctor and Shepard.  The decision laid in his hands.  He tapped his right index finger on his left knuckles.  A few vials of blood, at first, for study purposes.  Then from there, once more, it’d be up to him on how to proceed.  He wondered if this is how it felt to have everything seemingly dangling off of one’s shoulders.  Is this how Evelyn felt that first few moments when she awoke to find out she was quite possibly the only one capable to saving their world?  Of closing demon-spewing rifts?  He dropped his hands to the table and leaned in on his elbows.

“I don’t see much choice here.”

“There’s nothing _but_ choice.” Shaw argued with a glare shot at Jane.

Jane held her hands up placatingly, “you _have_ a choice, Rutherford.  You don’t _have_ to do this.  It’s a hunch and—”

“Forgive my rude interjection here, but no.  I don’t.  If by some chance your hunch is _correct_ and my blood _is_ , in fact, the key to potentially saving many lives?  How could I possibly say _no_?  However, I do have…stipulations.  I am no stranger to sacrifice.  But I have an oath to keep.  If we are able to find a way that doesn’t involve dying on anyone’s part here to put a stop to the madness, I will strive to see that end over any other.  First.  Not last.”

Chakwas smiled patiently, “I have no intention of killing you, Rutherford.  But I can see your hesitancy.  Both of you.”

Shaw shifted, rolling her eyes.

Chakwas continued with an amused tug on her lips, “it really will be only a few vials to study.  And _only_ study.  If I cannot find what I’m looking for, that will be the end of it.  If I can, I will try to use the samples to produce a type of inoculation that may be able to grant immunity to their nanotechnology.  Or at least a barrier of sorts to slow it down.  Of course, that also will have many other complications between species and whatnot.  However, I feel confident we will be able to find something worth the effort.”

“Then let us get this over with.  The sooner you can study, the sooner we can see results.” Cullen stood.  Chakwas also moved to her feet.  He followed the doctor to the med bay.  It only took a few minutes, really.  A slight poke, five vials later, and a very stern order to drink the nasty pouch handed to him, Cullen was back on his feet and in his room to rest. 

He’d been lying down for less than ten minutes with his eyes closed.  Fingers carded through his hair, massaging his scalp.  A damn near indecent groan escaped him.  The soft giggle he heard sent ice through him.  He sat up sharply, his lungs heaving.  The room was dark.  He’d left the lights on when he’d lain down.  He checked the time on his omni-tool.  It was a good four hours later.  He turned and set his bare feet down on the floor.  When did he take off his boots and socks?  He pulled his blanket from him.  He also didn’t recall the blanket.  The hiss of the door opening made him look up.

Shaw came in, toweling her hair.  One look at him was all it took.  She was quickly by his side, kneeling between his knees.  “Hey, you okay?  You’re so pale.”

“Did you…place the blanket upon me?  And take my boots off?”

“Yes.”

“And…massage my scalp?”

Shaw shook her head, “I don’t remember doing that.  You were out within five minutes from hitting the bed.  So I took your boots off and tucked a blanket on you.  You’ve been sleeping for the last four hours.  Did you dream about someone massaging you?”

“…I’m unsure.  But I could have sworn—never mind.  It’s of no consequence.”  He felt guilty.  He was certain he’d heard Evelyn’s giggle.

“Oh stop it,” Shaw huffed irritably.

“Stop what?”

“Stop trying to act like I’m made of fucking glass.  You dreamed about Evelyn massaging your head.  So what?  She was your love too.  I’m not going to pretend she didn’t exist, Cul.”

Cullen reached over to cup her cheek.  “You can’t tell me it doesn’t bother you.”

“That you were dreaming of your ex-lover?  Only a tiny bit.  But I’m the one here now.  That’s all that matters.  As long as you don’t call me Evelyn while we’re fucking, we’re good.”

Cullen breathed a laugh at her crass words.  “Believe me, I don’t believe that will _ever_ happen.”

“Mm.  Good.” Shaw slid her hands over his thighs. 

“How is your back?”

“You know…I think it’s doing a bit better…”

That gleam in her eyes made his stomach tighten in anticipation.  A knowing grin spread on his lips, “oh?  That’s good to know.”

“And your side?”

“I think it’s doing quite better now…”

“That’s good to know,” she mimicked as she pressed closer to him.  Cullen slid his hands over her curves, moving around to cup her luscious backside.  He tugged firmly once and she was deposited in his lap.  Her lips found his.  He eagerly replied to her passion with equal fervor.  Her shirt slid off her body and was carelessly flung somewhere into the room.  His followed within seconds.  Pants were tugged off and smalls removed quickly.  There was no need for any foreplay tonight.  The need each had was too great to hold back.  Cullen held her hips up and aligned his length with her heat.  She sank down on him.  Both hissed and sighed at the feeling of one another. 

“Maker, you’re so tight…” He murmured against her throat as they began to rock together.  Her breath came out in pants against his forehead.

“Mm…you feel so good inside me.”

“Can’t complain from here either.”

Shaw laughed; the sound sexy as hell as she threw her head back.  The laugh croaked off into a deep, low moan as he thrust up into her just right.  It didn’t take much to pick up the pace.  Shaw was bouncing in his lap, grinding against him just so.  Cullen suckled upon her neck and collar in-between grunts and groans on his own.  Just as he could feel his balls tighten for release, Shaw stood up completely.  Cullen made an embarrassing sound of protest.  She turned around and lowered back down, taking his hands in hers.  She held his right up to cup her right breast and the left to press down on her clit.  She sank back onto him with his name falling from her lips. 

Cullen suddenly loved everything about this idea.  He shifted just enough to get a better position for his legs.  He snapped his hips up into hers and thoroughly enjoyed the fact that Shaw dropped herself down to meet him.  With her weight moving up and down over him, her breast bouncing in his hand, and his fingers playing her like an instrument, his end rushed him quicker than he’d like to admit.  The sounds she made could only be compared to a Desire Demon’s creation.  His thrusts broke as he spent himself inside her.  Shaw was breathing heavily, crying out his name repeatedly until her walls fluttered around him, clamping his cock in a vice that only made his orgasm feel more intense.  She swore as she came, arching her back. 

His side was aching terribly but he really couldn’t give a damn.  Sweaty and spent, he wrapped her in his arms, kissing her back.  Shaw hummed and let her head fall back onto his shoulder. 

“Best…sex…ever.”

Cullen laughed against her back.  “I’ll take that for the compliment it is.”

“Take it.  It _is_ a compliment.”

“Mm.  I agree.  Best sex ever.”

Shaw giggled and he grinned, nuzzling her flesh.  No matter what was to come, this was where he wanted to be.    

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kids make writing difficult. Especially on days when they both are fighting and screaming for mommy. But I finally got this chapter done! Ta-da! Only took forever.


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter Twenty-Nine**

**Hitting the Fan**

Bittersweet memories plagued the better part of the Normandy crew.  The planet Feros was before them.  The landing continued forward according to plan.  The landing party was geared up and prepped.  Joker brought Normandy in nice and easy.  Docking was simple enough.  Jane nodded to her shore party and led the way.  The moment they stepped food outside, it was made abundantly clear that something was off.  There was no sign of life anywhere.  They pushed forward anyway.  The colony structures still stood.  However there was not even one soul among them.  Spreading out to search each building, they all came back empty handed. 

Tali broke the silence first, “you don’t suppose…the Reapers did this…?”

“There’d be signs of fighting,” Garrus answered as he kicked an empty crate over.  “There’s nothing here.  No sign of a fight, no sign of people being here for…well, a while.”

Jane ground her teeth, meeting Garrus gaze.  “Then the mysterious assholes who keep fucking things up.”

“Looks like,” he agreed.

“I’ve got something.” Shaw called out from the second area that led out toward the skybridge.  Jane quickly crossed to where Shaw was crouched down.  Shaw lifted a piece of debris up and held it out to her. 

“A thermo clip…”

“Empty,” Shaw nodded.

Jane held up a hand to her radio, “calling anyone out there.  This is Commander Shepard.  We’ve come looking for survivors.  I repeat, this is Commander Shepard seeking survivors.”

Static filled the radios.  Jane dropped her hand, shaking her head.  What the hell happened here?  A crackle came onto the line.  Jane quickly moved her hand back up only to scream out in pain as a high-pitched feedback sound exploded into everyone’s headsets.  Throwing their helmets from their heads, they all grabbed at their ears. 

“ _Santa mierda!_ ” Vega bellowed, “the hell was that shit?!”

Cullen raised his rifle, “find cover!  Fast!”

“Move it!” Jane echoed his call, dashing for cover herself.  Just as the last person ducked behind something, a huge, hulking shadow filled the exit.  Jane peaked out just enough to make out the figure enough.  A cloud of grey-black smoke billowed out.  A smokescreen.  She swore softly to herself.  But just before the figure shrouded itself completely, she spotted a behemoth looking arm covered in a strange armor with a four fingered, clawed gauntlet covered hand. 

A chirping, clicking sound came from the opening.  Another answered from further in.  Jane felt sweat bead on her neck, trailing down into her armor’s collar.  A third sounded from the entrance they’d come _in_ from.  Dread suddenly filled her gut.  They were being surrounded.  She looked around at her people desperately.  That’s when she spotted Rutherford.  He and Liara were speaking in hushed tones.  Liara glanced over at the entrance and nodded once to whatever he was saying.  Jane had a bad feeling about this.  She was just about to signal to catch their attentions when both jumped up.  Liara threw out a massive warp field.  Cullen, however, dropped to a knee and placed his palm down on the ground.  She couldn’t tell what the fuck he thought he was doing out in the goddamn open like that, but then the things made a new sound.  A scream.  Similar to how the Rachni sounded when injured, honestly.  Liara threw out a barrier in time to deflect sudden gunfire from the two opening out of the Feros Colony encampment.  Jane saw the smoke retreat a few feet as well. 

“GO!  HEAD TO NORMANDY!  MOVE!  MOVE!  MOVE!” Jane barked out.  She watched as they all ran for it.  All but Rutherford.  He was hardly holding himself up.  She dashed to his side and with Liara’s help, lifted him.  It was then she noticed his nose was gushing.   He looked dazed and out of it.  The two half-dragged, half-led the man through the corridors to back to the docking bay.  Vega noted their absence and ran back with Garrus.  Both larger males took Cullen with a bit more ease and they all ran for the Normandy.  Hitting the docking bay door control, Jane felt Joker begin to take off.  Not wasting any time. 

Once they were through decontamination and within the secured bay, Jane spun on Cullen.

“What the literal fuck did you think you were doing?!”

“Theorizing…” Cullen replied, a bit too glibly for her taste.

“Theorizing?!  You fucking damn near passed the hell out on the goddamn ground, soldier!  That’s not a risk _worth_ taking!!  You hear me!?”

“With…all due respect…you’re not my…commanding officer.” Cullen managed to stand on his own, wiping his nose.  Jane lunged.

Garrus caught her and hauled her back, “hey!”

“MY SHIP!” Jane snarled, “MY SHIP, MY CREW, MY RULES!!”

“It was a risk yet it paid off, didn’t it?” Cullen frowned back at her.  “Believe it or not, I _can_ strategize.  I had a theory.  I took a risk, yes, but in the end…we now know they can’t get around mage—er—biotics.  Nor can they handle templar abilities.”

“Templar!?  What the fuck--?”

“What I was before I wound up here!” Cullen finally snapped back at her.  No long able to keep his calm demeanor.  Jane shoved away from Garrus. 

She pointed at Cullen, “pull another stupid stunt like that _with my crew_ , without my fucking say so…and I’ll drop your ass planet-side at the first opportunity.”

She shot Garrus a very peeved glare before she stalked off.  Nobody dared to speak to her and she was quite all right with that.  Slamming her fist into the elevator button, she crossed her arms, cocked her hip, and waited until the doors were firmly shut.  Once in her own room, she really let her temper fly.  She picked up one of her model ships and threw it as hard as possible.  It sailed through the air and shattered into hundreds of tiny pieces; raining down all over her floor.  She tore her armor off piece by piece and threw it.  She finally sank to the floor in the middle, heaving heavy breaths before she threw her head back and screamed. 

Her fault.

She led her team into that shitstorm.

 _She_ did that.  _She_ nearly got them all killed.  _She_ didn’t have a clue of how to get out of it.  _She failed._

Hot tears burned down her face.  The hissed open behind her.  She frantically scrubbed at her tears and bared her teeth.

“Was it not _fucking obvious enough_ that I wanted to be _alone_?!”

“Since when have I ever taken your hints to heart?”

Jane turned to look over her shoulder at Shaw.  “Never.”

Shaw didn’t say a word but gave her a small smile before she walked over and flopped down next to her.  Jane stared at her baby sister who just sat there, staring ahead at the wall.  Turning to regard the same wall, Jane felt her tears betray her control. 

“He did something really stupid,” Shaw began slowly, quietly.  “Even I’m mad at him.  But…he was also right, you know?”

“He was.”

Shaw frowned and looked at her, “so then why--?”

“Because _I_ nearly got my team killed.  _I_ didn’t have a backup plan.  _Me_.  _Jane Victoria fucking Shepard_ …didn’t have a _backup plan_.  What the hell was I thinking?!”

“…you were _thinking_ of doing what you do best.  Figuring shit out.”

“By putting all of you in jeopardy?  Rutherford figured it out.  He _did_ something when I…” Jane choked on her emotion, “I froze.”

“Everyone freezes sometimes.”

“I have _never_ frozen, Shawny.  Not like this.  I’ve always charged right in, backup plan in mind, and done what needs doing.  I’ve never felt so…helpless and utterly out of my league before.”

“You don’t always have to be the hero, Jane.”

Jane felt her shoulders fall.  _Don’t always have to be the hero._ That was what she’d had to be, wasn’t it?  “I don’t know how to be anything else…”

“You do.  You just forgot.  When the whole galaxy hung it’s dirty laundry and bullshit on you, you had to be what they needed.  But you don’t _have_ to be the hero.  Not alone.  You never did.  You have the most loyal crew known to the galaxy.  I would know.  I’ve served on several ships and not one Commander nor Admiral garnered such blind loyalty and devotion from their crew.  Mom’s actually a little jealous.”

Jane scoffed out a laugh, “no she’s not.”

“Yeah, actually.  She is.  Her crew is great, but they don’t have the same type of devotion to her that the Normandy does to you.”

“When did you become the pep talk type?”

“Since you started blubbering like a baby on the floor.”

Jane shoved Shaw over, the latter cackling as she caught herself with her elbow.

“Shut up.”

“You first.”

“Brat.”

“Bitch.”

“I’m still your commanding officer.”

“And my older sister, so…”

“Asshat.”

“True,” Shaw giggled, rolling over and wincing.

“You okay?”

“Oh…uh…yeah.” Shaw turned a rather bright shade of pink.

“…you pulled something during sex, didn’t you?”

Shaw gawked and made a sound akin to a squawking bird, “you—I—no!!”

“Yes, you did.  Your denial is all over your face.  Little hint, rub a little diluted peppermint oil on the sore area.  Smells good and helps kick the pain down a notch.”

“I don’t _have_ peppermint oil.”

Jane stood up and crossed to her nightstand, she dug out a small bottle and tossed it at Shaw.  “There you go.  I have a few in here.”

“You’re so embarrassing, you know that right?” Shaw said as she unfolded herself from the floor.

“Would you rather have mom telling you this stuff?”

“No!  God, no!”

“There you have it,” Jane grinned, feeling a bit better. 

“Should I tell Garrus he can come up now?  I think he’s worried if he tries to come up, you’ll change his gender.”

Jane snorted, “yeah.  Tell the big guy he can come up.  I’m no longer frothing at the mouth.”

“I’m _so_ going to tell him that.  Exactly.  Just to see the confused look on his face.”

Jane snickered, “please do.”

Shaw left Jane alone in her room.  Taking in the mess she made, Jane turned and began picking up her temper tantrum aftermath.  She got her armor set back in the closet and started on the figurine pieces when Garrus walked in.

“You know…I’m beginning to wonder if having Shaw aboard is going to be detrimental to my mental state.”

“Oh?  What makes you say that?” Jane hid her grin as she was bent, picking up parts of her once-upon-a-Destiny-Ascension. 

“She said something that was a very…disturbing image to think about.  Something like…foaming at the mouth…?”

Jane laughed, unable to keep it in.  “ _Frothing_.  Like foaming.  It’s a term for being so angry, one begins to basically make spittle form.  It’s also an elusion to an infectious disease called Rabies that makes animals and people literally foam at the mouth and animals very aggressive.”

“… _that’s_ what she said you were no longer similar to?  Sheesh.  And I thought Sol could say some pretty harsh things about _me_.”

Jane made a snorting chuckle sound as she set the broken pieces of her model ship.  Garrus picked up a stray piece from where it had landed near where he was now standing.  He eyed it and then her.  She knew that look.  He was studying her.  She tilted her head and rose a brow at him; a silent dare.  Her implant upgrade picked up the warning growl he emitted.  A small, almost imperceptible smirk toyed at her lips. 

“I’m…somewhat all right now,” she answered the unvoiced question.

Garrus dropped the piece of model ship on the desktop and stepped closer to her.  “You know…you _used_ to be a decent liar.”

“Ha!” Jane threw her head back, “you and I both know that’s bullshit.  I’ve been a shit liar since the start.”

“True, but at least you managed _some_ tact before.  You’re not okay.  And don’t try to tell me otherwise.  I know your scent well enough to tell when you’re upset.”

“…shit, I forgot that was another perk turians have over humans.”

“Unless it’s one we’re close to, no.  We can’t just easily pick up on human scents and different emotions the same way.” Jane watched as her mate maneuvered over to the bed and sat down.  He leaned onto his upper legs and looked up at her, “so you ready to talk to me?”

Yet another reason why Jane ran to this turian every single time she felt broken or insecure.  She moved to him and more than happily let him pull her into his awaiting lap.  She wasn’t an overly feminine woman.  Nobody looked at Jane Shepard and thought, _‘what a lovely, dainty, graceful little lady.’_ She wasn’t called the Hardass Bitch in basic by chance.  But in this place, in her turian’s arms…she felt petite and beautiful.  The way Garrus caged her in his arms and pulled her side flush to his chest, tucking her legs over his hip to dangle off his lap.  She inhaled deeply and released her breath slowly.

“I feel like such a screw up.  I damn near got people killed.  Again.”

Garrus made a soft groan and dropped his head to knock against the top of hers lightly.  “Why didn’t I guess you were blaming yourself?  Again?  Jane…”

“Garrus, I’m serious--!”

“So am I,” Garrus snarled, “you _have_ to stop this every time something goes wrong.  People get hurt; sometimes _good_ men die due to bad calls.  Isn’t that what _you_ told _me_ when I was hung up over Omega and my own fuck up?”

“…do you _have_ to use my own arguments against me?”

“When you’re being such a stubborn asshole hell bent on being miserable?  Hell yes.”

“You’re one to talk…” She grumbled, glaring at a spot on the wall over his arm.

“Exactly.  We _all_ are in this heaping mass of crap together.  It’s not about who’s right or wrong in the end.  It’s about who’s alive and who’s at our side still.”

“Huh, Winston Churchill once said something similar.”

“…uh…” Garrus shifted, “is this a name I should know?  Because I’m going to pretend to be omnipotent then and say… _yeah…yeah that guy.”_

Jane laughed, shaking her head.  “No.  I’d be shocked if you _did_.  He’s a historical figure from _centuries_ ago during a huge period of time when humans were at massive wars with one another.”

“Ah.  Long before us sexy turians showed up to really make life interesting?”

“VERY long before…”

“I know you and you’re not going to just up and stop beating yourself up over things you can’t control.  But would at least _try_ not to let it eat away at you so much?  There’s not a soul on this ship that doubts you.  Nor would anyone here blame you if the worst _did_ happen.  So don’t try to think about what _didn’t_ happen and make yourself miserable over it.”

“Yes, sir, General Vakarian.”

“As if you’d ever listen to _my_ orders.”

“I would too!” Jane argued, sitting up to glare at him.

Garrus gave her a look.  “Really?”

Jane averted her gaze, “ _if_ you were my superior in the Alliance…”

“Ha!  See?”

“Oh shut up.”

“But you love my babbering.”

“ _Blabbering_.”

“…oh sure, it’s okay for _you_ to correct me but _I_ can’t give you orders…”

“And don’t you forget it.”

“Believe me, Shepard…forgetting anything about you is damn near impossible.”

Jane blushed and smiled, leaning back against him at the warmth in his voice. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can't help it! Shakarian makes me smile! Sorry if this feels a bit...disjointed. It was written over several weeks. A lot I need to focus on and didn't want to neglect a piece due to distractions in the forms of children. Hopefully it won't take me AS long to write the next couple chapters.
> 
> Also, I know it's a short one. So, sorry for that!


End file.
